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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU wanting to cut DSD hair?

143 replies

Reallyevilmuffin · 09/01/2019 10:24

DSD is 7, and I really want her to have a haircut. Her hair is lovely, a bit longer than shoulder length. This is nothing to do with the way it looks however. I do every school run each morning, and each evening activity getting her out of the house. My partner looks after the baby twins mainly whilst I do this. We have been together 5 years and DSD is treated as mine.

Her hair gets very knotty. Each morning it is a good 10minutes with the tangle tamer, and 5 before going out. It isn't the time however that bothers me, but the tears, crying, running away and hysterics that occur. EVERY MORNING. It kills me. Gets everyone in a bad mood.

We have tried multiple brushes, sprays, showers v no showers, leaving a bobble in. Have tried getting her to brush throughout the day or do it herself (she is a little helpless even for a 7 year old). I am at my wit's end.

We reached this point a year ago and the partner agreed, but regretted it due to the look. She rarely deals with the brushing. Before Xmas I made her brush it every day as she was refusing to get it cut, and she got annoyed with DSDs actions too.

Each morning when crying I offer DSD the 3 choices - either haircut, brush it yourself throughout the day ((no time in the morning for her anaemic attempts) or put with it. She is consistenpy asking for a haircut and now saying that I don't take her when she asks for one.

When done last time she liked it until was told repeatedly by partner that she didn't.

I am at the point where for my early morning sanity I would prefer to take a week or 2 of silent treatment to save DSD pain and agitation each morning - or AIBU?

OP posts:

steppingout · 09/01/2019 10:35

We had the same issue with DSD's hair - we couldn't cut it as she/her mum didn't want to. We ended up brushing it in the evening when it wasn't so bad and then plaiting it over night. Have you tried that? Then just had to wait for her to get older and now she can deal with it herself! It does sound like cutting it is reasonable if DSD is happy with that, but only you can decide if it's worth the upset...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2019 10:37

If DSD is actively asking for her hair to be cut, why would you NOT do it?

Also, swap so your partner does the hairbrushing/deals with the crying while you look after the twins?

bringincrazyback · 09/01/2019 10:39

If DSD herself wants a haircut and it would save all this tears and hassle, it sounds like DSD's mum is the one who is BU!

bringincrazyback · 09/01/2019 10:40

Sorry, just realised you said it was your partner who didn't want it cut. Still think they're BU though.

Twickerhun · 09/01/2019 10:40

Yanbu to want to but I suspect you would be unreasonable to without her mothers input. I have a DSD and would love to have cut her hair at that age but I just couldn’t do it .

Chamomileteaplease · 09/01/2019 10:44

I am sure if you swap and let your partner look after his own child, while you look after your twins, then he will soon want her to get her hair cut!

(To be honest I was a bit confused by the end as to who wanted what.)

LL83 · 09/01/2019 10:44

I would plate it at night and during the day, won't get tuggy that way. But cutting it is the ideal solution.

WhirlieGigg · 09/01/2019 10:44

You’re not the parent and have no right to cut her hair. Her mother would be quite rightly annoyed if you did. Just wash your hands of it. Tell her mother either it gets cut or she can deal with it herself every day. Job done.

Seeline · 09/01/2019 10:46

If she wants it cut, get it cut. It will soon grow back if she changes her mind.

The only thing that worked with my DDs hair was to plait it tightly every day, and keep them in overnight. Having it loose or in ponytail/bunches was disastrous.

BloominCold · 09/01/2019 10:48

Plait it and use a silk pillowcase xx

Littlechocola · 09/01/2019 10:51

What does her mum think?

SuperNappyBaby · 09/01/2019 10:53

Why don’t you look after the twins for the 10 mins it takes to do her hair and let your DP do the brushing.

I would let the mum and dad make the decision on her hair - it could create bad feeling if you took her off for a cut yourself.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 09/01/2019 10:53

I would make your partner brush it if Sh will not agree to having it cut.
Is your partner the mother? (You refare to her as she) and does dsd live with you?
If the answer is yes I'd probably just take dsd to have it cut, if there is a mother somewhere with input then I'd step back at make partner des with it.

Bluestitch · 09/01/2019 10:54

Tell her mum she can deal with her hair from now on if she objects to it being cut. Not fair on you or DSD.

TheDropBear · 09/01/2019 10:55

I think some people have read it wrong and your partner is DSDs mum. Is that right?

I suppose if you can just say fine if you don't want it cut you have to deal with the brushing. But at the same time if DSD herself wants it cut she should be allowed.

Original poster

Reallyevilmuffin · 09/01/2019 10:55

Sorry but I confusing here. I am stepdad, I have limited knowledge of how to manage girl hair other than brush and then either let down or ponytail. No idea how to plait or anything. My partner is mother who deals with our twins. She has no contact with her actual father.

I often work late into the evening so she is asleep when I get back, as a trade off to being around during the day to help with the babies.

OP posts:

BruceAndNosh · 09/01/2019 10:55

When done last time she liked it until was told repeatedly by partner that she didn't

Your DSD is old enough to decide if she likes something.
Your partner's (the child's parent?) opinion does not trump DSD's

floodypuddle · 09/01/2019 11:00

I would tell her that either it gets cut or you are not doing it. Either way this is not a problem of your making so you shouldn't have to deal with it everyday.

FlaviaAlbia · 09/01/2019 11:05

It's not like women are born with an instinctive knowledge of how to do hair styles, you can learn and it sounds like it will be far by the easiest option for everyone all round.

If you can tie a shoelace you can plait hair. Try using YouTube for tutorials.

Ethel36 · 09/01/2019 11:09

Just take her to the hair dressers and get a lovely bob cut. It's only hair...it will grow again in no time.

Mookatron · 09/01/2019 11:10

Learning's not the easiest option all round - letting her get her hair cut is. If she wants to have it cut she should have it cut. How she feels about it is all that matters (disregarding brushing pain which this would sort out). She's not a doll.

Queenie8 · 09/01/2019 11:11

Get a "wet brush Pro" they are far superior brushes to the tangle teasers. My dc has very thick curly hair. What I find helps is once washed and conditioned (twice a week), I then brush it through completely whilst damp, then add a pea sized amount of argon oil, brush through again, either blow dry or dry naturally. (the initial cost of the brush and oil can seem steep but a bottle lasts approximately 8-9 months for us)

Hair is brushed completely before bed and tied up in either a ponytail or plaited. I also learnt to French plait / fancy plaits (you tube videos), and her hair is plaited every day for school.

A trim every 3-4 months helps stop the straggly knotty ends.

CoraPirbright · 09/01/2019 11:15

Plaiting is really easy to do and I am sure you could learn either from her mother or from you tube in a couple of minutes. It is the only thing that saved my sanity with dd’s hair. She was similarly shrieky when brushing and it tangled so badly!!

SnuggyBuggy · 09/01/2019 11:15

Definitely plait. I plait every night for the same reason. Look up French braid on YouTube

Madders45 · 09/01/2019 11:20

I have limited knowledge of how to manage girl hair other than brush and then either let down or ponytail. No idea how to plait or anything

Then learn. Plaiting is so easy.

There’s a YouTube channel called ‘Cute Girls Hairstyles’. Some of their videos are called ‘Daddy Do’s - they’re hairstyles that complete beginners can learn to do on their daughters.

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