AIBU wanting to cut DSD hair?

[Reallyevilmuffin]

DSD is 7, and I really want her to have a haircut. Her hair is lovely, a bit longer than shoulder length. This is nothing to do with the way it looks however. I do every school run each morning, and each evening activity getting her out of the house. My partner looks after the baby twins mainly whilst I do this. We have been together 5 years and DSD is treated as mine.

Her hair gets very knotty. Each morning it is a good 10minutes with the tangle tamer, and 5 before going out. It isn't the time however that bothers me, but the tears, crying, running away and hysterics that occur. EVERY MORNING. It kills me. Gets everyone in a bad mood.

We have tried multiple brushes, sprays, showers v no showers, leaving a bobble in. Have tried getting her to brush throughout the day or do it herself (she is a little helpless even for a 7 year old). I am at my wit's end.

We reached this point a year ago and the partner agreed, but regretted it due to the look. She rarely deals with the brushing. Before Xmas I made her brush it every day as she was refusing to get it cut, and she got annoyed with DSDs actions too.

Each morning when crying I offer DSD the 3 choices - either haircut, brush it yourself throughout the day ((no time in the morning for her anaemic attempts) or put with it. She is consistenpy asking for a haircut and now saying that I don't take her when she asks for one.

When done last time she liked it until was told repeatedly by partner that she didn't.

I am at the point where for my early morning sanity I would prefer to take a week or 2 of silent treatment to save DSD pain and agitation each morning - or AIBU?

My grandma used to tell us it needed brushing 99 times at night and in the morning. We’d have to count to 99. Normally get bored beforehand but it was just a little game she had us do.

Its a horse product but I found Car Day Martin's mane and tail conditioner fab on my daughter's long hair when I wanted to brush it and get the tangles out quickly.

We used to get screams every morning and I just can't deal with it.
DD's hair is thick and straight and just seems to knit together. She had it cut to shoulder length which looked fab, but we still had the same problem, just as knotted but shorter! That also meant that we couldn't plait it so it made the problem worse.

Due to dreaded Nits appearing regularly at school, DD's hair is kept permanently plaited, and this is the only thing that stops it getting knotty.

We plait it every morning and then the following morning, we comb and replait. The only other option is to wash her hair every day which she doesn't want to do.

Avon detangling spray is brilliant too and often on sale 5 for £5 if you can get it.

Plaiting is definitely the way to go. 😊

Went though same thing ,try washing at night use plenty of conditioner comb through and plait tight easier to brush come morning . We also found that Avon do a really good detangling spray for kids worked really well better than supermarket ones . Hope this helps

Oddly, long hair can be very practical as it needs little styling & is versatile for various plaits & ponies.

Long long ago before conditioners, tangle combs & even electric light... Auntie recalls long hair being tatt free by sleeping in plaits - as did Mater d’Auntie & others of yore - with careful combing/brushing as technique mentioned by previous posters.

So informal sectioning/grab a clump of hair, start at end of tail & comb/brush through working up tail to tangles WITH a hand firmly holding tail above the sectioned being worked so the force of the combing/brushing action is buffered & does not reach the scalp (otherwise it ‘effin’ hurts). Pater d’Auntie, whose hair length never ever reached his collar, adopted this technique as well so that he was as an effective hair care mensch as mum. Once all hair is tangle free, make sure to brush whole barnet from top through to tails several times over to distribute natural oils through hair. Drop of Argan oil sounds a nice touch,

Then came along Creme Silk conditioner & everything changed.
You had to be there. Many years later, came those nifty detangling brushes.

In more recent times, after many many years of a MaryQ bob, mum had the long hair she’d always wanted so she could twist it up. She could not look after it well by herself, so I had the honour of detangling using the technique passed down. Loads of conditioner helped.

Interesting, one of her care assistants of her age would plait her hair at night to keep her lovely long snow white hair tangle free, & it pleased my mum as it was just as her mother did her hair.

Everyone telling OP how easy it is to learn to plait is missing the fact that he isn't around in the evenings to do it, and it obviously won't help if he has to do it in the mornings.

I think you simply have to tell your partner that if she doesn't want her daughter's hair cut she needs to take over responsibility, and also explain to DSS why she can't have her wish to have it cut.

Aussies 3 minute leave in conditioner is the best! It’s a bit pricy, but it works, I fill her hair with it and then it’s easy to brush. It’s the only thing that has worked for my 5 year old. That and also no Letting her sit back down in the bath after her hair is rinsed

By the way, OP, a lot of people on MN don’t really bother reading all your posts, so as annoying as it is having people continually posting to plait it at night when you have already explained you are working then, just ignore them. It’s irritating, but part of MN life I’m afraid.

My grandma used to tell us it needed brushing 99 times at night and in the morning. We’d have to count to 99. Normally get bored beforehand but it was just a little game she had us do.

Not a little game.
Brushing gently a while with a bristle brush morning & night really does make a difference.

I tried this for a while & people commented on how good, thick & lustrous my hair looked. When my hair looks a bit unloved, I get back to the bristle brushing & overall condition improves.

Off to get bristle brush...

This isn't cheap but you don't need much, you just apply to each section and it's amazing

https://www.simplymoi.uk/products/soultanicals-knot-sauce-coil-detangler

Your partner needs to take responsibility for the plaiting or the DSD will need to have it short. If the OP isn’t there in the evening mainly there’s no other options. Plaiting will only take a minute. I had the same thing with DD lots of hair but got knotty cue screaming and running off. We jointly decided to get her a longish bob. It’s much easier to dry and brush now.

BlackCatSleeping it doesn't need plaiting at night though. Just once in the morning, will last until next morning.

I did read all of the OP posts, it didn't change what I did to stop the morning problems, which is to keep hair permanently plaited.

OP could to pick an evening when he is there as he states he is there 2-3 evenings a week, wash and plait the hair, then keep it plaited ongoing from then. Do you leave the house at 6pm OP or start work at 6pm? Do you have time between school and going to work, to plait it?

or, OP, why can't your partner plait the hair in the evenings when you are not there?

It has been suggested by so many people as the perfect solution, so it would be great if you could work out a way of doing it.

Use proper shampoo and a ton of conditioner ie not kids all in one stuff. Plait overnight. Dts had a bob - it was a nightmare, they looked like wizbit and still had tangles.

Get a spray in, leave in, conditioner, really helps with tangles. just have a quick spray before you brush, it has made mornings much nicer in our house!
www.boots.com/johnsons-no-more-tangles-conditioner-spray-200ml-10097596

Plait it as part if normal bedtime routine, 1 plait each side. We had this problem with dd's hair too, and my own when I was a child. The answer is plaits.

Okay, your'e getting good advice re starting to brush from the tips and move up. Take a wonder around Boots/Superdrug and get some kind of leave in conditioner for tangles. The kids stuff is pointless, so aim for something that is fairly natural or organic but for grown ups.

Having said all that, if DSD wants her hair cut short, I'd cut it. And tell your DP that she needs to be positive about it for DSD's sake. It's her hair and she's the one struggling with the maintenance and if your DP isn't going to step up, then she doesn't get to complain about the decisions you and DSD make for her hair. I have told DP that if he doesn't start stepping up to look after DD's hair (he's her primary carer) will be having it cut as I'm tired of spending 30 minutes attempting to comb it or wash it while she cries because he hasn't done it for 4 days. He's on his final warning (he wants it long because it looks pretty but I don't give a rats arse if it's causing problems for DD and me).

Brushing gently a while with a bristle brush morning & night really does make a difference. I tried this for a while & people commented on how good, thick & lustrous my hair looked.

What do you think was happening here? Can brushing really make the hair thicker? I am always really wary of brushing my crap fine hair too much as I assumed it was breaking it.

Ok, fair enough, just loads of people are still suggesting things to do at night even though the OP has explained he’s not there at night, or saying that cutting might not help, even though he said it did help last time. 🤷‍♀️

I read that brushing helps spreads the hairs natural oils around, not sure if it’s true or not.

Honestly plaiting is not always the answer.

It sounds like your partner is making the decision that dsd mustn’t get her hair cut but isn’t doing anything to help you when you’re both struggling?

Plait overnight works wonders. But it could just be brushing technique.

You have to start brushing from the bottom with knotty hair, if you start at the top you just snag it more and it HURTS. hold the hair together in one hand at the nape, then brush the ends out (meaning the bottom 2 inches). Then keep inching higher and higher while brushing until you reach your other hand. Then you start brushing from 2/3rds of the way down the head, then halfway up the head, then finally from the top of the head.

Doing it this way means hardly any snags, hardly any pain.

Try watching this video for brushing technique.

Take over the babies and let her mother sort her out.

People are really weird about long hair on girls, just get the bugger cut if you're stuck with it.