AIBU wanting to cut DSD hair?

[Reallyevilmuffin]

DSD is 7, and I really want her to have a haircut. Her hair is lovely, a bit longer than shoulder length. This is nothing to do with the way it looks however. I do every school run each morning, and each evening activity getting her out of the house. My partner looks after the baby twins mainly whilst I do this. We have been together 5 years and DSD is treated as mine.

Her hair gets very knotty. Each morning it is a good 10minutes with the tangle tamer, and 5 before going out. It isn't the time however that bothers me, but the tears, crying, running away and hysterics that occur. EVERY MORNING. It kills me. Gets everyone in a bad mood.

We have tried multiple brushes, sprays, showers v no showers, leaving a bobble in. Have tried getting her to brush throughout the day or do it herself (she is a little helpless even for a 7 year old). I am at my wit's end.

We reached this point a year ago and the partner agreed, but regretted it due to the look. She rarely deals with the brushing. Before Xmas I made her brush it every day as she was refusing to get it cut, and she got annoyed with DSDs actions too.

Each morning when crying I offer DSD the 3 choices - either haircut, brush it yourself throughout the day ((no time in the morning for her anaemic attempts) or put with it. She is consistenpy asking for a haircut and now saying that I don't take her when she asks for one.

When done last time she liked it until was told repeatedly by partner that she didn't.

I am at the point where for my early morning sanity I would prefer to take a week or 2 of silent treatment to save DSD pain and agitation each morning - or AIBU?

I think you've done the right thing in giving DSD the choice, and your partner is unfair to override her. At seven, she should be allowed to choose her own hairstyle, especially when having a different one has pain, annoyance and hassle associated. If your DP feels so strongly about long hair, she should grow her own rather than subject her daughter to this rigmarole against her will.

I wouldn't go against your partner's wishes if I were you, but I would keep on at her until she agrees! If you reach an impasse then I might go on strike from hairbrushing duties. Let her be the one to cajole, brush, and soothe tears.

Also, I disagree with what the others are saying. I find it gets much less knotty when it is short. Might depend on the person though. Did you find it easier last time she had it cut short?

Is the child’s hair curly? This sounds like my daughter’s hair which is curly. If so a good trim will help as the ends get wiry and clump together. You also need to wet the hair thoroughly and add a good spray conditioner to get through it easier. I’d also say plait it for school as all of the playing and running about means more tangles, so you don’t want to go too short else you can’t put a plait in it. I’d say even if the hair isn’t curly a good trim will help with the ends getting raggy and tying itself in knots.

I'm there before bed 2-3 schoolnights a week so not hugely an option for me to do consistently with work otherwise I would give it a go. (The trade-off being there during the day to help with babies) I would happily depagate the plaiting to my partner but I don't think she would regularly do it... Same with a hair wash before bed with when I am out for work and getting partner to ensure it is done. She sleeps before DSD every night.

I think it's thick hair, I really don't know though. Definitely striaght. Any hair is thicker than mine. It was definitely much easier last time when short and minimal crying.

I am brushing right from the top, it seemed the obvious way to brush. I will try differently now though!

This is a mad and totally unnecessary situation.

When did it become compulsory for girls to have long hair?

My current weeknight shifts are out at 1800, in 0030. Consistently working every Sunday night currently.

DD has v thick wavy/curly hair. It's in plaits nearly all the time for this very reason.

Becuase the DSD wants her hair cut doesn't meant she'll like it when it's shorter or that it'll be easy to manage.

Tears and crying is likely because not gentle enough. It's described as antics when really it's a reasonable reaction if it's painful.

Ultimately you haven't found the hair routine that works for your DSD's hair. At some point DSD will need to know how to take care of her hair and it'll be useful if mum can pass on that knowledge.

I didn't know how to plait hair either until my daughter's hair needed plaiting. I learned it. It's not rocket science, and not something that only women can learn.

In case you also haven't worked out any tricks for brushing out tangles without pain, what you do is grab a bunch of hair near the top of the head and hold it very tight in your left hand, then brush the part hanging down. That way it doesn't pull the hairs at the root, as they are hanging loosely behind your left hand, and only the part hanging down is pulled taut.

As a step-parent I'd stay well away from the scissors.

Mookatron I don't know, short hair still gets knots and had more of a tendancy to stick up in all directions overnight than long hair. Plus you've got the emotional fall out of it being done against the mums wishes.

I'd sort out the morning situation first and then if the daughter still wants her hair cut without being tortured by the hair brush on a daily basis, I'd discuss that then.

My oldest has waist length hair that he prefers to wear down and we just don't brush it in between washes. It gets washed every couple of days with loads of conditioner combed through and then left to its own devices until next time. It's reduced the angst and drama over it.

Get some of this

Also having regular trims will make a big difference, doesn't have to be a huge amount off but getting rid of any split ends will make hair less likely to tangle.

And yes , start at the bottom and then work your way up. Starting from the top just makes the knots tighter.

Also hold hair tightly at the top when brushing so it doesn't tug her scalp.

Are you holding the hair at the top whilst brushing to stop it pulling at her scalp.
If you are just pulling the brush through the hair from top to bottom it probably is really painful for her.
I think a good trim and regular plaiting is a better solution than a bob which will have to be worn “down” all the time.

I've got thick long hair which can get a bit knotty. I use a leave in conditioner. I would also suggest finding out about getting a little bit of layering put in her hair by the hair dresses - mine is much less tangly if it is layered (layering lets you keep the length without having the hair thick all the way down) - obviously you need partner and Dsd to agree but it might be a compromise they would agree to.

Other than that I agree with plaiting over night, or your partner has to take over hair brushing duties.

I’ve never understood mothers who insist on their daughters having long hair, it’s impractical for young children. If the child wants it cut then why not?

Your DSD wants it cut, then do it. The decision is hers.

Cutting it only really solves the issue short term.

It sounds like she has thick hair that grows quickly and at some point she needs to learn to manage it. My hair is the same so is DDs

We wash it with conditioner first and brush through while the conditioner is still on. I've found this helps a lot. Then rinse it out and shampoo. Once dry give it a brush.

I've also found in the morning it helps to brush it in smaller sections rather than just going over the whole lot in one go.

Even trimming the ends would probably help with the knottiness. I would think hard before doing a short bob that can't be tied back though, you may need styling product/ clips to secure it back out of her face and control any messy bits.

I second the Wet Brush that someone up thread suggested. I never really get excited about beauty products but it's amazing for my knotty, wavy hair.

My DD is 7 with very wavy tangly hair. About a year ago we'd had enough of the battles and strops. She hated me brushing it and it was horrible way to start the day. So I stepped back, she was old enough to look after it herself.

First few weeks she brushed ineffectively and got one tiny dreadlock that I had to cut out. After that she has brushed it properly herself every day. She puts a little argan oil through it before brushing if there's any tangles. If she wants help with it she'd ask me.

If she wanted it cut she'd ask. It's up to her. She's growing it at the moment.

Kids only learn to be less helpless by practice.

...yanbu in my opinion though op... I think if feel the same in your situation. It's complicated. But 7 is old enough to deal with your own hair and make decisions about it, and I would encourage this.

I also plait dd’s hair but just a normal one before bed that way it isn’t knotty in the morning.
Dd wanted her hair cut into a bob but even then it still got knotty but I couldn’t plait it anymore so don’t think it’ll be a magic fix as it probably won’t

Not sure your DSD really wants her hair cut. Sounds more like you want the hair cut so that you don't have to deal with the antics.

Would DSD still want her hair cut if you leant how to do hair without pain?

Just plait it, it's not hard. Watch a YouTube video or two.

Dds hair is super fine and past her bum, I just plait it every morning. She sleeps in that plait at night.

Get a bob cut. I had long thick hair as a child. It was painful to brush it esp when someone else did it