PIL disowning DH for double-barrelling our surnames

[doublebarrelled]

NC as outing (spoken to a few friends & family about this) and I shall not drip feed (intentionally anyway!)

Anyway…

2 years ago, just before I gave birth to our DS, (now) DH & I discussed about how we would give DS a double-barrelled surname as that is what we would likely do when we marry. This certainly came up in conversation with the PIL and they did not cause a fuss about it.

For background, DH was the one who wanted to double-barrel as he believed that his surname with my name sounded stupid (tbf it does sound a bit odd) and he liked the sound of our two names together. At the registering of DS, I checked he still wanted to double-barrel as I was happy just to give DS his name with the view, we could either a) change all our names later or b) that I would take his name.

Fast forward to the 6th January. DH is in hospital with suspected meningitis, he has the rash on his limbs and is finding it hard to stay conscious. MIL looks through his medical notes (she works in the hospital and has a good understanding of medical stuff, she has actually been really useful to have around for my medical issues when I have had to go into hospital) and she notices that DH’s surname has been double-barrelled.

She then proceeds to have a hissy fit at DH, who cannot do much but lay there, and then texts shockingly at me too. Previous to this she had already text me how she feels DH is ill because he works too hard and I must take care of him more. DH & I work just as hard as each other and actually had a super chilled festive break!

(Just an FYI, DH doesn’t have meningitis but is still ill, he has been discharged but still under consultant care as he is having extreme headaches and is passing out)

Monday, PIL try telling DH & I that we have illegally NC our surnames by double-barrelling them without deed-poll and even then it is a dangerous game to double-barrel as most places will not recognise us. When we explain to them that we have actually changed our name everywhere bar our passports they then have a full fit about how DH is going to be in serious trouble with the law.

Yesterday, DH gets a text saying that MIL has booked all our tickets to France and just a reminder to transfer money across. We are super grateful she booked it up for us as means we all shall be able to sit together on the Eurotunnel and makes sense for us all to travel together.

But it suddenly occurs to DH that MIL might not have booked our tickets as our actual double-barrelled name… He was correct! She bloomin booked them under their surname! So now our tickets will be invalid as they will be in the wrong name!

MIL states she booked them in our actual names as stated on our birth certificates and that our passports will be rejected as no one can actually double-barrel their names unless its by deed-poll and even that is tricky and even then, men are not allowed to change their surname!

BIL then gets involved (he lives with PIL still) and states that we are both wrong, legally and ethically.

FIL then snatches the phone and tells DH that unless the double-barrel name goes then he will be disowned from the family!

DH then throws his phone across the room and cries (never seen him like that ever, but think with him being in so much pain from the headache issue and the horrid statement from his Dad I cant be surprised!)

I have always wondered if PIL actually likes me being part of DH’s life. I recall when MIL cried to DH that she didn’t like how another woman has replaced her and she isn’t happy with the life he now has (this was a couple months after I gave birth to DS). MIL always tells DH to only have DS with me and no other children, she cried when she found out we were having #2 and when that ended in MMC she was very “ah well that was for the best”.

I told DH that he shouldn’t take it personally. That PIL aren’t really choosing their pride or name over their love for him and it is probably just misplaced love / jealously / hurt ?

What would you do in this situation? AIBU to not want us to change our surnames again to make PIL happy? AIBU to think we have changed our surname legally by getting married?

obvious from marriage and birth certificates regarding passports therefore doesn't need deed poll

James Jones marries Sally Smith

1. stay as above
2. Sally Smith becomes Sally Jones
3. James Jones becomes James Smith

4, both become Smith- Jones

1. both becomes Jones-Smith

not obvious surnames becoming Smithson or Roberts changing to Jim and Sarah therefore will need deed poll

Your DH sounds very unwell - shocking that they would behave like this especially when he had suspected meningitis (although it's lucky that it didn't turn out that way)

Erm can she even book them without the new passport numbers? Also you can just pay to amend the booking name like every other travel company?

Why so much fuss?

Could it just be they are crazy right now because I somehow upset them..... They will come round right?

I think you’ve upset your mil by existing. It sounds as if she has issues with him having a normal and loving relationship with another woman.

What she said about your MC is horrid and it’s very interesting that she doesn’t want you to have another child when she had two children herself. It seems as though perhaps she sees the capacity of love your dh has for her is diluted and diminished with ever new meaningful person. Deep down I think she believes as she gave birth to him she owns him.

It’s good your pil have a nice relationship with your Ds. However as he gets older do be careful of the influence they exert on him. I catch my mother more and more treating dd as she used to treat me. I stop it immediately. But I’m aware of it. I’m not sure your dh is even remotely aware of what his mother and father are actually like.

How did your dh react to things being said to you / about you? As your life partner he needs to be aware of just how messed up her / their behaviour is.

As for the holiday. I think now would be a good time to make a stand and not go and not pay for the tickets. They have created this situation and they need to stick with it. In your dh’s position I would be refusing to talk to them until they apologise. The conversation to be “hello, yes I’m feeling better. Are you ready to apologise? No? I’m sorry about that. Let me know when you are. I love you and I’m hanging up now”. Their behaviour needs reining in even without this latest outburst.

As for your bil. It’s very telling that he’s ganging up on your dh against you. It says a lot about the family dynamic and not in a good way. My family is similar. Against me.

I mean can you just imagine the conversation they have with their friends?

Friend - How is double-barrelled ds? Has he recovered?
Pils - Idk we havent been in contact with him for a while as he was very disrespectful.
Friend - oh dear that sounds dreadful, what happened?
Pils - we found out when he was ill because he dB his name and have disowned him.
Friend - (unless they’re equally narcissistic)

I wish to be known as MyVisions Comefrom-Soup", no formalities whatsoever.

But do they really come from soup?

Also no deedpoll is ever actually needed you're just paying for a document. And as long as you dont intend to defraud you can call yourself whatever you like.

Also one way around the deedpoll rubbish is to just change your name on your next passport application. Which unless it's recently changed, you never needed a deedpoll to be able to do

The passport thing has definitely changed in the last year. It said that if you married you could either keep your maiden name OR use your DH surname anything else needed a registered deed poll.

No, it hasn't. DH and I double barrelled on marriage over 20 years ago, we have had no issue whatsoever getting all official documentation in the 'new' name with just the marriage certificate. Only one bank caused a slight issue on DH changing his name (they were fine with me) and soon agreed after I accused them of sexism.

let's get this straight for about the 100th time YOU DO NOT NEED TO DO A DEED POLL IF YOU DOUBLE BARREL YOUR NAMES ON MARRIAGE

Sorry OP! You will be fine and your passports will come back fine. As for PIL, they are bonkers and you won't be able to use the tickets they booked unless they change the names to your proper names.

Yeah they sound crazy! It's nothing to do with them for a start. My husband and I double barrelled both our surnames when we got married and he officially changed his by deed poll just because it's easier to have the paperwork but there are other less involved options too! I don't need anything but my marriage certificate. Our DD also shares our joint surname, we are a family and we wanted to all have the same name. Of course men are allowed to change their name what's wrong with her? Sounds like she has some issues she needs to deal with and FILs comments were way over the top, would he seriously disown his own son for changing his own name? There are way more important things to be worried about in life!

Could it just be they are crazy right now because I somehow upset them (not sure what though...). They will come round right?

Stop looking to blame yourself. Its nothi g you have done.

They are crazy. His mum hayes yiu because you have 'taken her baby away and let him.be an adult with his own mind' instead of her baving control over him.

I would go NC in a heartbeat after the way they have treated you and your dh. Its emotionsl abuse and not 'concern' nor just a 'heat of the moment' its bern ongoing for some time and needs to stop.
Do.not subject your child to this kind of emotional blackmail. Who knows whst they will say about you when you arent there to him. Imagine him.finding out they were glad you lost a potential sibling for him?

Nothing you can say justifies thier behaviour and harassing your son while he is ill is vile.

Tell them to cancel your tickets why on earth would you give these people the time of day never mind go.on hols with them?

Sorry your dh is ill hope they get to the bottom of it and fix it pdq.

Btw both my ex pil were in the nursing/medical professions and never once asked for personal medical details from ex or myself. Its a complete no no. I would report her and get her disciplined. cause she is an interfering bitch

@2019Newname seriously I didn't need it for anything else but when my new employer kicked up a huge stink I looked at every website in great detail including the passport one. It was there in the small print.

The guidelines for a new passport have changed (no idea about renewing) in fact the set up of the pages have changed so they have been reviewed recently.

All this when their beloved son is so ill 😞

It’s all about control of DH isn’t it. Not love. Control.

Odd too that they haven’t realised if DH obeyed their wishes, he and his DS would no longer have exactly the same surname. That’d likely be the next step to airbrushing you out of the picture OP.

This is all about control, they're not worried about you breaking the law (I bet they wouldn't be as concerned if you went over the speed limit when driving).

They're completely disrespecting your right to be known by whatever name you choose.

In your shoes I'd seriously reconsider going on holidays with them; your MIL behaving like this in a hospital is utterly atrocious, and her comment about your miscarriage is disgusting.

Perhaps help your DH to read up about boundaries, obviously your in laws are seriously challenged in that area. In future, every time you do something they don't like, they will have an extreme over reaction. It's a horrible way to live and the sooner you address it the better.

I'm waiting for this thread to turn up on Gransnet, on one of the "my daughter in law is a bitch, who controls my precious son who needs me more than life itself particularly when he's ill" threads.

You and your DH are being emotionally abused by this pair of horrors. Of course your DH loves them. Doesnt mean contact with them is good for you though.

I actually can't believe that you didn't disown them after what they said regarding the miscarriage! Why would you ever want someone like that around you? To hear that their grandchild has died as being "for the best?"

This.

An mmc is horrendous. Can't believe either of you want to go on holiday with someone who said that. I'm not one for advising going NC but you do need to get some perspective on this and the way they speak to and treat you. It's disgusting.

Don't go NC with them - let them go ahead with their threat to "disown" your family if that's what they choose.

Don't go NC with them - let them go ahead with their threat to "disown" your family

Well, it's slightly easier than that.

The OP and her husband maintain their surnames as it stands, and drop the rope with his parents. No phone calls, no visits.

If challenged, the answer is simple: "you said we were disowned if we kept the name we have chosen, we have kept the name we have chosen, so..."

The ball would be entirely in their court. Let them make the next move.

They sound utterly vile, of course, and the name thing is the least of the problems.

Well you are being a bit unreasonable not telling them you have changed your name when you know they are booking holiday tickets for you!! They need to know that!

Apart from that though they sounds god awful and you are also being unreasonable for wanting to go on holiday with people like that. She was glad you had a MMC?! I'd want nothing to do with them.

Name/holiday business aside, these people are HORRIBLE to you. That'll be an awful thing for your DC to see. Never mind the negative impact on you and DH.

I agree with a pp that said your son loves them because he doesn't know any better.

How can you & your husband bear to have anything to do with them after the miscarriage comment?

Apologies if this has already been linked to (I skipped a couple of pages) but the advice on gov.uk for obtaining a passport in a double-barrelled name is to provide the marriage/civil partnership certificate - no mention there of a deed poll. There's separate advice on when you need a deed poll.

Apart from that, there's nothing left to say. Parents of adult children often get possessive and territorial about names. My very good friend is cross with her daughter for changing her name on marriage, even though that's what she did. Your PIL, though, are on a different level of unreasonable.

We got married and double-barrelled last year.

The law in England is that a woman can take a mans surname with just marriage certificate, but to go double barrelled they must either have the man deedpoll before the marriage, or both deed poll after.

So DH changed his surname by deed-poll to our new double-barrelled one before our marriage (our marriage certificate says his new name, and in brackets previously old surname). I could then legally go double barrelled immediately on our marriage because it was his surname.

They was talks of them changing the process to make it easier.

For what it's worth OP, my in laws drive me up the wall as they 'forget' to call DH or me by our double barrelled surname and insist on calling him by his old one, or me Mrs his-old-name. Pisses me right off all the time, but then they're a funny bunch too. We're currently expecting so when we have our first little one if they still get the name wrong then I will officially lose patience with them.

The law in England is that a woman can take a mans surname with just marriage certificate, but to go double barrelled they must either have the man deedpoll before the marriage, or both deed poll after.

No it isn't. You are, at best, misinformed.