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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

608 replies

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 09:39

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

OP posts:
Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 11/01/2019 15:47

And I might just put a Simply Red album on later whilst I'm having a bath! ;)

OP posts:
MaryMcCarthy · 11/01/2019 15:51

I might have the wrong end of the stick here, but aren't you going to be worse off now seeing as the bloke was paying for all of your food and your social life?

Doesn't it trouble you how many posters are labelling the bloke an immature man-child for relying on his parents, when that's precisely what you're doing now?

I get that you wanted different things from life and the breakup was necessary, but there are so many bitter responses directed at your ex in here are equally applicable to you. Given that you're going to be poorer in his absence, how can anyone seriously say he was cocklodging?

nauticant · 11/01/2019 15:57

Yes, you have the wrong end of the stick. In fact many sticks.

flameycakes · 11/01/2019 16:03

You'd be able to splash out on your own night's out if you weren't subsiding his free lodgings xxx

stayathomegardener · 11/01/2019 16:09
Thanks Glad you have your lovely cat. You deserve better.
Consolidatedyourloins · 11/01/2019 16:09

So I do think it's important to exercise a little sensitivity in some cases.

OP, you've had over 550+ responses and very few insensitive posts. I find it odd that you're focusing on that.

I would be very happy with the response of this was my thread.

abetterplace · 11/01/2019 16:10

That being said I do think that even though you may not know me an OP and therefore not worry about upsetting them, it's important to recognise that there is still a real person with the same real emotions and feelings behind the post, the same feelings that someone you would know in "real life" would have. So I do think it's important to exercise a little sensitivity in some cases.

I definitely agree, however, i think if you want people to just agree and comfort you, then really speak to your friends, if you want (mostly) helpful advice, then MN is where to go

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 11/01/2019 16:13

Thank you for all of the responses, they have all been helpful and offered different insights.

I will be bowing away from mumsnet now so I can move forward.

Thanks again x

OP posts:
nauticant · 11/01/2019 16:20

Good luck OP. I hope you find you can start looking forward to the future at some point soonish. Keep resolute!

MaryMcCarthy · 11/01/2019 16:28

Yes, you have the wrong end of the stick. In fact many sticks.

Please explain what I've got wrong. Is she going to be better off now he's gone? Because that's certainly not what it sounded like. Despite many posters in here suggesting as much. Why does she now need to rely on her parents if the boyfriend was "poncing" off her?

Isn't it troubling how bitterly people refer to him relying on his parents given that's what she's doing? Rather than sensitivity I think what many posters in here are missing are the senses of logic and consistency.

cstaff · 11/01/2019 16:36

He didn't pay any money towards rent or bills. She did. The only money he paid was for nights out, restaurants and food. Firstly she will only be feeding herself and secondly she can chose what she wants to eat i.e. eat cheap if she has to and also if she cant afford to eat in a fancy restaurant she doesn't have to. She can go to Aldi or Lidl and eat sensibly if that suits. There is no point in eating in fancy restaurants if you cant afford the bills. Also her bills i.e. electricity and gas will be down as there is only one person in the house.

And while it is not perfect and may be a bit tight for a while at least she doesn't have a tight assed dick (man child) to look after.

StarJumpsandaHalf · 11/01/2019 16:36

posters are labelling the bloke an immature man-child for relying on his parents, when that's precisely what you're doing now?

The OP pays £1,200pcm as the cost of living, covering mortgage (interest only) and bills for the home. She's only taking help from her parents now as tougher times have come. The boyfriend has paid for food for them both and going out, so half of that cost is a variable contribution to her.

They argued over a new £100 a week contribution to household expenses. £100 that would go towards bills. He said he'd see that as dead money if they were to split up in the future, particularly as he could 'live for free' at his parents' home, so it appears that he wants the roof over his head to always be there for no cost, but he's not made steps to buying or renting anywhere of his own. In essence he wants to spend what he chooses and when he chooses without the obligations that other independent adults have to comply with.

This is not the logic of a responsible grown up, particularly one who earns 3-4 times the amount of the woman he lives with for a food and entertainment budget only. A mature adult would have discussed it calmly and reached a solution that suited both parties, or, parted on good terms, not thrown the toys around and run back to mum and dad.

MaryMcCarthy · 11/01/2019 16:43

So she is going to be worse off, despite many posters in here suggesting otherwise?

And she is relying on her parents, despite many posters labelling him a pathetic man-child for doing exactly that?

I think he'll regret being arsey about paying the £100 a week, she'll regret crowdsourcing her response to a domestic squabble on Mumsnet and they'll end up back together.

SpikyHedgehogg · 11/01/2019 16:44

His attitude of "I don't want to pay off your mortgage" just speaks volumes to me that he wasn't geared up towards the same thing. If we were to marry as I had hoped, he would have greatly benefited to "paying off my mortgage" as he saw it (which was absolutely not the case anyway!) as my house would have become a marital assest.

But why would someone pay off someone else's mortagage? On MN the advice is pretty consistent against doing this.

Sometimes its a blessing to be able to say what you are thinking and not have to worry about upsetting the OP (like you would have to fanny around the subject if it was face to face) its kinder in the long run as you dont have to reassure and 'make nice'

Why would anonymity mean you don't have to be kind?

nauticant · 11/01/2019 16:44

Isn't it troubling how bitterly people refer to him relying on his parents given that's what she's doing? Rather than sensitivity I think what many posters in here are missing are the senses of logic and consistency.

I'll leave you to your soapbox. The OP has already said thanks for all of the advice and has now stepped away from the thread.

SpikyHedgehogg · 11/01/2019 16:46

You'd be able to splash out on your own night's out if you weren't subsiding his free lodgings xxx

How does that work? Her mortgage costs haven't decreased now he's moved out.

whatsthestory123 · 11/01/2019 16:48

good luck op and have been in a similar situation.he ended up coming back after realising that he couldnt match me asking for £20 a week for everything
I didnt take him back he was a user, please dont take him back and fully expect him to back down once he realises how well of he was even by paying £100

cstaff · 11/01/2019 16:48

She is better off without a leech like him in her life.

flameycakes · 11/01/2019 16:49

Maybe it doesn't work, but paying for ones self instead of for someone else's upkeep is a hell off a lot more satisfying x

MaryMcCarthy · 11/01/2019 16:50

I'll leave you to your soapbox. The OP has already said thanks for all of the advice and has now stepped away from the thread.

I know, I've only felt comfortable saying this knowing that she's left the thread. I don't want to upset anyone and it’s clear she was already upset.

I think Mumsnet has provided some genuinely bad, mean-spirited advice here, fuelled by a lot of chips on shoulders and some shocking hypocrisy.

"Oh he's run off to mummy. Manchild needs to grow up"

"Glad your mum and dad are supporting you"

Could the double standard be any more blatant?

flameycakes · 11/01/2019 16:50

Leeches are just so unattractive x

MaryMcCarthy · 11/01/2019 16:51

She is better off without a leech like him in her life.

If he was leeching, why is she now worse off financially?

flameycakes · 11/01/2019 16:54

Did you not read the ops post and how she's drained her savings to subsidise him!

SpikyHedgehogg · 11/01/2019 16:55

Did you not read the ops post and how she's drained her savings to subsidise him!

I read that she'd started reaching in to her savings because her housing costs had gone up.

SpikyHedgehogg · 11/01/2019 16:56

And in fact, she's still in this position, only will now have to be buying her own food and nights' out.