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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

608 replies

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 09:39

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 11/01/2019 12:28

Write down all those reasons on a piece of paper. Fold it up and carry it with you. Whenever you feel weak take it out and read it!

There's something strengthening about seeing it all written down in list form.

k1233 · 11/01/2019 12:30

Totally agree with annasgirls suggestion - what have you been wanting to do but haven't? For me it was horse riding. Had ridden a little as a kid and always loved horses. First weekend post breakup I found a place to go riding. I was so excited I couldn't sleep Grin Rode every weekend for a couple of years and then got my own horse.

Sondela · 11/01/2019 12:35

You've never rented?
And would you want to live for free in a house paid for someone else? Even in hotels, do you think you just pay for the service?

I've never rented but if I were to rent there'd be a contract outlining my rights. The landlord couldn't evict me because we've broken up or had an argument.

I would never pay a partner 'rent'. I'd split every other bill in half and pay my own way but their asset is their responsibility. I would never sign up to be anyone's lodger with benefits.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 11/01/2019 12:40

Oh OP. This is more than £100 a week - if he's not on the same page as you, you'd be prolonging the agony getting back with him and then spending years waiting for a marriage he might not ever want, or splitting and going through this anyway.

Have you got plans this weekend? Being busy really will help, but it will hurt. That's natural. It'll pass, too. I'd second giving the things he's left behind to a friend or someone so they can handle giving them back - you don't want him sending you back to square one making contact or turning up. He doesn't get to do that anymore.

You'll get through this Thanks

Movinghouseatlast · 11/01/2019 12:52

30 is nothing! You will be fine, there is LOADS of time to meet someone else and be happy.

You need to assess what went wrong in this relationship so it doesn't happen next time.

You said he paid for all the food shopping. And always paid when you went out. Is that right?

I think in future relationships it is a good idea to formalise money right from the start. You need to have an open discussion at the start about what is fair for both of you.

It sounds like you were both resenting each other around the amount of money you were spending. Instead of talking about it the resentment builds up.

He definately should have paid half the bills at least. Then a share of the food shopping. We had (before marriage) a joint credit card that we used for household expenses. We then paid a proportion each, so there were no arguments about who had paid for what.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/01/2019 12:52

Op don't waver, write down the reasons why you split up. It would leave a bad taste in my mouth and be a dealbreaker, that he does not seem to think he should contribute to the running of the house that he is living in, sounds like he wants to live with you for free. Like you said, he wasen't committed long term to you, whereas you wanted that long term commitment from him. If you get back with him, the same issues will resurface, add a child in the mix, try getting money from him. No, you have done the right thing. If he contacts you to arrange collection of his things, have someone there with you, so you don't waver and take him back.

Juells · 11/01/2019 12:56

...and even in the unlikely event that he manages to shmooze you into seeing him again, don't ever let him move back into your house - no matter how gradually.

offle · 11/01/2019 13:00

Why do people give advice on here so aggressively?
'You need to assess what went wrong in this relationship '
'don't waver'
' don't ever let him move back into your house' etc etc. It's really odd. Is it that you can be more forthright when you are anonymous?

Poor OP, my advice is not to take advice on mumsnet, lots of people here just want to cause drama.

Movinghouseatlast · 11/01/2019 13:05

I wasn't being aggressive! Not at all.

I was simply stating that we all have to learn from experience. Arguing about money is awful and does lead to resentment. My partner and I argued about money quite a lot until we got the joint credit card. So I was advising someone using my own experience.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/01/2019 13:10

Not really Offle op came on here for advice as she was unhappy with the situation, and that is what we are giving. Would you advise Op, that she take back somebody who is happy to freeload off her, and not contribute to the running of the house that he is living in, despite being more than able to afford 100 per month. He would paying a lot more than that, if he rented, or was staying in a hotel.

nauticant · 11/01/2019 13:24

I agree with offle that some of the advice on MN is given in a hectoring tone. When an OP is feeling very bruised I sometimes wish posters could tread a little more lightly.

Smallhorse · 11/01/2019 13:26

offle

———Why do people give advice on here so aggressively?'You need to assess what went wrong in this relationship '
'don't waver'
' don't ever let him move back into your house' etc etc. It's really odd. Is it that you can be more forthright when you are anonymous?

Poor OP, my advice is not to take advice on mumsnet, lots of people here just want to cause Drama———

This x 10. I cannot believe the nasty vitriol on this thread directed at the boyfriend ...and his mother !

But it’s worse than just causing drama. The default advice here is LTB

Wotev · 11/01/2019 13:32

Aw that's a shame.

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 11/01/2019 13:34

Yes some advice is a little overwhelming "you must do this etc" eeek, I am just trying to get up, put on a brave face, not cry and get through the day! Haha. But I know the advice comes from a good place so thank you.

Most replies have been really reassuring so I am glad I originally posted. I am hugely struggling but people go through much worse so I am trying not to feel too sorry for myself. Also, I am trying to tell people about the split (without delving into too much detail), so I am less likely to take him back. The more people that know, the more final it is in my head, the harder it will be to make a U turn.

I've met my mum for lunch and managed to eat a few chips and had a coffee. I have made it to lunchtime. I have a few hours more work to get through, then I am going to the gym later with a friend. Then I can run myself a nice bath, snuggle up with my little cat and watch some trash on TV.

Just one hour at a time.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 11/01/2019 13:36

Oh goodness, op came here for advice, and decided herself that the situation was too difficult for both of them, hence him leaving. What do you guys suggest, that they stay in the same situation that they are both unhappy with! It was the right decision that he left, as he was begrudging contributing to the running of the house, even after he said he would pay, he was not happy about it, op described it as being like the elephant in the room that it was quite awkward after that. Obviously op was not happy for him not to contribute, hence her coming on here for advice.

Wotev · 11/01/2019 13:40

Do you think you may have jumped the gun here a little OP? Did you actually discuss where you saw each other's futures going?

Aeroflotgirl · 11/01/2019 13:40

You can do it op, take one day at a time, and just look after yourself Flowers.

Yes at the end of the day it is up to you what you do, nobody has to do anything, but op and her ex had a chat and decided themselves to split up, as they felt it was the right thing.

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 11/01/2019 13:51

Wotev - I'm not sure there was any other option for us after we discovered that we both wanted different things from our relationship. I'm 30 not 20, and although I'm not totally over the hill yet, there's no point dating someone for the sake of it :(

OP posts:
seriouslylong · 11/01/2019 13:53

I honestly don't think asking for £100 per week is unreasonable! Like you said in some of your posts if your bills were fully covered you could pay more money towards the social side of things!

Having another person in your house will cost you more in bills and I would expect any self respecting man would want to pay his way and wouldn't have let you away with refusing him making a contribution

abetterplace · 11/01/2019 13:55

When an OP is feeling very bruised I sometimes wish posters could tread a little more lightly.

Sometimes its a blessing to be able to say what you are thinking and not have to worry about upsetting the OP (like you would have to fanny around the subject if it was face to face) its kinder in the long run as you dont have to reassure and 'make nice'

its more truthful

wink1970 · 11/01/2019 14:03
Flowers

OP I have read the whole thread and came here to say I also started again at 30 and it was great! It's a fab age, and you clearly have a lovely supportive family, so get out there and raise hell!

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 11/01/2019 14:07

Sometimes its a blessing to be able to say what you are thinking and not have to worry about upsetting the OP (like you would have to fanny around the subject if it was face to face) its kinder in the long run as you dont have to reassure and 'make nice'

That being said I do think that even though you may not know me an OP and therefore not worry about upsetting them, it's important to recognise that there is still a real person with the same real emotions and feelings behind the post, the same feelings that someone you would know in "real life" would have. So I do think it's important to exercise a little sensitivity in some cases.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 11/01/2019 14:07

OP I have read the whole thread and came here to say I also started again at 30 and it was great! It's a fab age, and you clearly have a lovely supportive family, so get out there and raise hell!

Thank you for taking the time to read it, your words mean a lot. x

OP posts:
wink1970 · 11/01/2019 15:38

No worries! Love the Simply Red name reference!

Juells · 11/01/2019 15:45

And there I thought we were all being encouraging and helping the OP to weather the storm, that she wanted other posters to help her to stick with her resolve.

Oh well, you live and learn.