AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

[Moneys2Tight2Mention]

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

Also, I've been in the same position as the OP. DP moved in with me, we split bills 50:50 (£115 each a month) and the shopping 50:50 (typically £140 each a month). I paid for the mortgage and insurance myself, because the house is mine. He put money aside for his own savings. Him not being financially dependent on me was important to us both.

The thing is, I think that moving from "frequent guest" to "permanent feature" is a blurred process. Lots of potential for resentment or misunderstandings to creep in when it comes to money, housework etc.

At 30 I was desperate to start again and get shot of my dickhead husband! By 32 I had done it and had started dating a wonderful man! Now in my 40s happily married to the same person I started dating and we have a family of our own. Turning 30 rocks!

Hi OP, I've cone to this thread late and you don't need another person to tell you you are well shot of this freeloader.

I came on to say that £1200 for an interest only mortage sounds like you're on a very poor rate. Ours is less than that and I'm guessing our mortgage is waaaay bigger than yours.

Speak to an IFA as a priority and see if you can get that down.

His mother ????? Oh dear...

Well done OP you will def be better off without him. Glad your parents are being wonderful. They rock.

Please don't take him back, if you are wavering. He sounds like a right knob.

I'm sure his mum is nice but she has a vested interest in a reconciliation
she wants you to sort things out so that he can live with you and you can be his mummy

Dodged a bullet there.

Ha ha she thought she'd got rid of him onto you, now he's back home scrounging off them.

Yep, damn betcha! She may be 'lovely', but she has a very vested interest in you two getting back together.

You're done. You're through. You shouldn't be needing to hear from him, her, or any member of his family. Maybe I'm mean, but I'd block them all. The future is forward, not back.

Bless your parents! But it may be that with him gone and not sponging off you, you may be able to meet your outgoings now, with some hard retrenching and going without.

It was the right thing to split

All the ins and outs aside, you wanted different things. You’re wanting to stay in more and focus on the future but he’s all about spaffing money going out and doesn’t see a problem. He could have responded to your financial worries in a much nicer more constructive way, he could have come up with the pp’s solution of renting your place out and getting a new one together, he could have asked if you’d consider putting him on your mortgage when it changes to repayment, he could have offered to split bills more fairly - there are lots of things he could have said that would have made you feel like he was on the same page as you, but he was just a bit about it from the sounds of it. There wasn’t much sense of him thinking of a future with you, and i think that that upset you more than his attitude to money. Splitting was the right thing and 30 is no age at all. You might feel like you’re starting all over again but you’re not, you’re a home owner, you’ve properly got your shit together, way more than a lot of 30 year olds (including me at that age)

Oh you poor love.

I think you're right that he'd be a knob about money; anyone who would rather break up than contribute £100 a month for a little while is not worth your attention.

You had said that the mortgage would be sorted in a few months and then you could renegotiate the financial side, so he was objecting to giving you, what? about £300 in total for his board and lodging? He deserves to be living with mummy&daddy until he's 50 at least!

If my partner had spoken up and said I am worried about money, I would have said I love you lets see what we can do. Swings and roundabouts, you want to help the person you love and vice versa.

OP anything is better than a compromise. Never make do.

A lot of nasty extrapolation about this man on here.
Op hope you are ok.
Do what you think is best

When my boyfriend moved in to my house he used his full wage to not only contribute towards my mortgage, but to also feed and clothe my sons and pay their nursery fees and pay off my debts. The poor sod never saw a penny of his own money and never complained once! I worked f/t too and we split all expenses down the middle. When we later got married we sold the house and I had no qualms using the profit as deposit to buy our joint home together. It's always been 50:50 even though he was childless and I had 2 kids. I could never be with a selfish man who spends money only on his terms. This individual seems badly brought up and his parents are reaping that. How can he begrudge contributing towards the roof over his head??

I personally empathise with him a bit and would never pay rent in a house where I had no legal rights and could be made at any moment with no notice. It's either we're partners and we've taken steps to ensure I have sufficient legal protections should things go wrong in our relationship or it's more casual and I'm only responsible for my own costs. You never said how much he was spending on you per month so it's impossible to say if he was a cocklodger or not.

I'm not sure living with your parents makes you a sponger like most posters seem to think. Maybe his parents mortgage free and don't need him to pay rent so he just pays for his share of bills and expenses? I wouldn't charge my children rent if I didn't need to. He's lived with a partner and paid bills (including rent to a landlord) before so I'm not sure why posters are adamant that he's a manchild with no understanding of adult life.

I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out but it seems like you moved quickly in the beginning and perhaps you weren't very compatible. It's great to hear that you have very supportive parents so can make do without him and hopefully your job situation improves soon!

Honestly I think there were mistakes on both sides. You never had a formal discussion about moving in or the level of expected commitment, and until your financial circumstances changed you were OK with the situation. His response seems to have been immature but if you had confronted these issues in advance you'd have known already that he wasn't prepared to contribute as a shared partner in your household.

One of my friends had a similar situation, her BF was long distance and he took an internship in her city so came to live in her place for the summer. They were both postgraduate students neither earning much money. She didn't ask him to pay rent or contribute but assumed he'd chip in for consumables like food, bills, etc. In 2.5 months he bought groceries only once. They had a big row because he responded that she never said in advance what she wanted him to pay so why was she angry about it at a later stage. As you can imagine this relationship has ended, but honestly I think my friend should have established ground rules. However it was good in the long run in that she learned her BF was cheap and immature.

I think the split is best for the long run. So many women post on here about horrible relationships that they won't or can't leave because of kids and financial arrangements.

Love the response from your parents ❤

would never pay rent in a house where I had no legal rights
You've never rented?
And would you want to live for free in a house paid for someone else? Even in hotels, do you think you just pay for the service?

Hold on, you are out all the time and have a good social life, and he picks up the bill. He also pays for the shopping and food. He is contributing financially in other ways. Does he run a car and do you use it, are you a passenger in it. Does he do maintenance or gardening for free. Has he decorated. I think you can get too hung up on money and not value other contributions that would cost £££’s.

Oh god, however nice his mum is, I wod just delete her number and block and move on now. His upset is not your problem. Thing is he is grudging contributing to the running of a house he is living in, that is a big one. Plus, it is a drop in the ocean according to his 3k a week salery, that indicates meaness, which coud because problem later on.

Imagine going through life only having to worry about your savings pot and paying for dinner a couple nights a week!!
Imagine living with someone who was struggling financially when you're well off and not wanting to contribute to the fixed costs! Watching your partner struggle.
He sounds like an entitled dick, and it sounds like you're better off without him.
Your parents sounds great. I hope things work out for you in the future.

Starting to wish I had never brought it all up.

This is from one of your first posts and the reason he acted like he did was so you'd backtrack on the £100 and get his own way. Manipulative man.

Sorry you are feeling crap but from my outside point of view it is for the best although that doesn't help you one bit

He earns £3k a WEEK and can’t contribute £100?!

Well done dumping him!

Honestly I don't think it's even about the money, I think he didn't want to commit so as long as he wasn't officially living there - in his mind that means no rent or bills but cash for food and going out - then it was OK.

He was enjoying having a girlfriend with her own place at no cost to him but not more than that.

No reason he shouldn’t pay half the interest, bills and food. Sounds like a t* - do you really want to build a life with him?