AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

[Moneys2Tight2Mention]

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

Best RTFT, daddy.
He's gone

You will be fine OP, you need some time to get over the relationship. But it does not stop you from dating and enjoying life.

In the long term you will see the split was the right thing as things would only have gotten worse and you know it. He has a lot of growing up to do.

Thank you everyone.

I am feeling very wobbly today. I'm missing him a lot. Other than the aforementioned, I thought we had a great relationship. We used to speak a lot throughout the day, he was my go to and I was his, so feeling very lost and leaning on my friends quite heavily at the moment. Feel like a part of me is missing!

My little cat is being a little star and hasn't left my side, has even slept on the bed with me the last two nights which is totally unheard of for her - she must know.

Cats are awesome.

It's natural that you will miss him and mourn what you had (or thought you had).

I really do think you have done the right thing though.

So why have you actually split up? Because he didn’t want to pay the £100? Who actually ended it?

It'll be okay with some time.

Unfortunately, all of the things he was paying for were fun things that he wanted to do, and he felt that because he was also paying for you, he was contributing. It's obvious when you brought up 'adult' things like having to budget ("maybe we could stay in once in a while now that I'm not earning as much" essentially saying that money could be better spent elsewhere) and he balked that he's just not interested in paying for grown-up life. The fact that he previously lived with a GF in her apartment, and then his parents' house, just backs that up. He's only interested in spending money on fun things, and saving, presumably for other bigger fun things. Not boring things like rent and council tax.

In the long run, you'll be better off, unless he wakes up to the facts of adulthood. I mean I suppose that's possible, but as long as he has his parents available to live with between GFs it's unlikely. It'd help if they gave him the boot, considering he's making a decent wage and can clearly fend for himself.

So what was the final reason for the split?
Was it because he wasn't prepared to pay the money you asked for or was there some other reason?

He's a manchild. Happy to spend money on going out etc but not on serious things. Maybe he just isn't ready to commit yet. He's having a great time, not having to pay the market rate for rent anyway, not contributing to bills and having a good time going out etc while appearing generous because he pays for all those extra things.

I found it like quitting smoking in so many ways -it's definitely the right thing but it was habit that punctuated your whole day, when something good happened, something bad happened, so it takes a while for the habitual stuff to fade away, for you not to "miss it" but it does and it is all about your mindset, focusing on what you've gained rather than feeling like you've lost something. And the time will come when you will realise that this was a brilliant life lesson and experience that has freed you up to be that independent kickass woman and to meet the right person on your terms. Don't rush into trying to replace him - get yourself sorted first. But of course there are wobbles along the way and course you are leaning on friends right now but they won't mind. I don't know where you live but worth getting out to free stuff (and there is always lots of free stuff on if you look, exhibitions, events, exercise, meet ups etc.) and doing some different things from the norm. You are of course allowed to feel sad but you are also allowed to make some time to feel grateful, hopeful and positive.

We'd ALL love to only spend money on fun exciting things and save the rest, no-one skips out of bed at the prospect of paying bills! Unfortunately that's part of life, it cant all be just "fun money".

So why have you actually split up? Because he didn’t want to pay the £100? Who actually ended it?

Because we want different things from life. I wanted to get married within the next couple of years, with all of my focus in life geared towards that. His attitude of "I don't want to pay off your mortgage" just speaks volumes to me that he wasn't geared up towards the same thing. If we were to marry as I had hoped, he would have greatly benefited to "paying off my mortgage" as he saw it (which was absolutely not the case anyway!) as my house would have become a marital assest.

Doesn't stop it hurting any less - this is the man I thought I was going to marry!

I just feel so anxious? Pit of my stomach sicky feeling, shaky hands, teeth clenching anxiety. Have tried to eat but only managed a banana so far (and had to cut it all up!). Trying to focus on work but it's like a wave of pain comes over me every few minutes and reminds me. Awful.

One positive is that I have been on time for work every morning as I haven't had anyone distracting me - have just been able to get up and go!

Do you have a weekend plan OP? Make sure you have people around you. Possibly go for a walk, even that level of exercise can be therapeutic when you're upset and anxious.

One thing to really keep in mind is how vulnerable you'll be if he gets in touch and starts talking about getting back together. It would be very tempting but it's not what you want fundamentally.

Smoothies and soup help with that. It is completely normal - this has all just happened now, you've had no time to process it. Lean on your friends if you need the comfort of people who love you. Try a yoga class, go for a walk/run, get a relaxation/meditation app on your phone and if you need to take yourself off to the loo at work or whatever to listen to a 5-10 minute deep-breathing/meditation do it any time you feel panicky.

He may be the man you thought you were going to marry, but you’ve found out he’s not the man you thought he was. That’s invaluable, to find out before rather than after.

Being party to you being late for work in the mornings also shows his immaturity.

his parents shouldn't give him the boot, if they can keep him with them for another 10 or 15 years he can be their carer when they get old

i think you are better off without him!

As I have also said, my boyfriend earns 3 or 4 times what I earn at circa £2-3k a week. I don’t feel that £100 of that to help me out is a huge problem

he earns £2,000 to £3,000 a week and wont give you £100 to pay for his bed? wanker

And yes it does it like he was trying to sabotage your career doesn't it
Making you late for work every morning

Thanks nauticant. Already had a massive wobble this morning wanting to call him and get him to come round later/forget everything yadayadayada. I know that if I did this he would come back and it would take away this sicky scared feeling. I had to call my best friend and get her to talk me out of it! I know it's not the right thing, and have to keep reciting over in my head the reasons why he is not here. It doesn't make it any easier though, I am terrified I will cave in, especially as our friends and family are all interwoven.

My friend is coming round on Saturday night. I haven't really got any other plans but will try and keep busy. He has left a few things that he couldn't take straight away so I know he will be in touch again shortly - the anticipation of this makes me feel sick too.

I would suggest that the reason he stormed off crying to mummy is that he feels he has a good amount of leverage and you will plead with him to come back

Those things that he left behind, they represent his foot in the door
you should gather them up right now and give them to someone else to give to him

If you have friends in common and assuming you're not talking about a load of stuff, could you make an arrangement for a mutual friend to collect his stuff? It would help considerably if you didn't have the anxiety of waiting for him to get in touch and not knowing how you'll react on meeting in person.

Oh you poor girl, I am so sad you are going through this but it is so much better to find out now, rather than in another 10 years.

Try to plan to do some things you love that he hated - I always found that helped me to get over someone. Also, you are lucky to have such a lovely cat!!!

Keep your friends close to you and perhaps plan a weekend later on doing something nice with them. Also use this time to focus on your career and get it back on track.

Good luck - the worst is over and you are surviving, every day will get a little bit easier.

I started again at 30. Met my now DH, married within 2 years of meeting. Two kids and 16 years later, we have 4 properties, two of which are mortgage free, having had none when we met. So, you are already in a better place than I was at 30, think where you could be in 15 years!

I was struggling to get past a man who earns £2-3k per week (£100-150k per year!), yet still lived with parents (or girlfriend) without any financial contribution.

You are well rid unless he grows up and is prepared to have an adult conversation about how things should work in a relationship. Don’t wobble, or at the very least, don’t let him move back in by stealth again. If you decide to try to work it out, do it with eyes open, and a full, frank discussion about the future.

OP you are explaining the exact same relationship I had with my ex. I was renting and he gradually just moved in, stayed more frequently till he was there full-time. I loved him and I'd be paying the rent if he was there or not. Same with the bills. Got to the same stage as you, not being able to support the living costs of two adults (one of whom was a bottomless pit when it came to food). Same conversation about him contributing to cost, same outcome - we broke up . Years on and I cannot believe I was such an idiot. Know better now.

It hurts because you love them. You feel if they loved you they would contribute to your life together. They don't want to as they are not in it for the long haul. He is saving his money while living off you for free. At a minimum, he should share 50% of food, water, electricity, internet, gas. In addition he should pay rent, just like any lodger does. How much is up to you. I see property cosys like rates, mortgage and insurance as yours, but if he's contributing to ongoing daily costs, those would be manageable.

Cudos to you parents helping you out. It's wonderful they can do that for you.

Yes, if possible I would try to pack up his stuff and either send it to him or get a friend to take it to him and then block his number/social media for a while. That way you know he can't pop up when you're not expecting it and that will take away some of the anxiety and uncertainty. It puts you back in control of any contact.