What do you expect them to do before school?

[IsThisNormalBehaviour]

Name changed for this post.

What would you expect your 14YO DS to do when getting ready for school.

14 year old DSS is driving me nuts every morning he is with us (3 out of 5 school nights most weeks). He will get out of bed 20 mins before he needs to leave for school.. after being woken several times. He then will get dressed into the school clothes hung ready for him and then sits on the sofa waiting for his toast or cereal for breakfast while watching tv. He then has to be reminded before he leaves to do his teeth.

He never washes his face, never does anything with his hair! He does at least shower every evening after being told to do so.

I've spoken to DH about this and also DSS's mother as well (as we get on ok) They both seem to think this is pretty normal for his age.

DH leaves for work at 5am so I am the one who has to deal with this while trying to get myself ready for work also.

At this age I had to set my own alarm, get myself up, breakfast, washed and ready!

AIBU to be expecting the same?

My nearly 15 year old dd sets her own alarm and sorts her own breakfast etc. Its her responsibility to leave the house on time for the school bus.

Mine are younger but I was great in the mornings when younger, used to do piano practice, chat eating breakfast, would be dressed in five minutes. My younger sister would sit on the side of the bed in a trance with one sock on til about five minute before we'd need to leave. Only when my mothers voice reached a pitch of death would she finally move.

He's a teenager. What are you expecting

The only bit that would bother me is the “waiting for his toast or cereal”. He can get his own breakfast surely?

He’s trained you really well!

How about just not doing it and letting him experience the consequences?

You could tell him that girls aren’t interested in smelly boys.

Would a visual timetable help? It's his choice to not style his hair. But he seems to need a lot of reminders to use the bathroom, get dressed, and eat breakfast. Or, does being at your home throw his usual routine out of sync? Maybe there's a small change that could be made to standardise his routine at both homes and foster more independence? It's not unreasonable to hope that you can encourage/teach better personal skills to help prepare him for adulthood. x

14 yo DS - is similar in mood and attitude to yours. However he is expected to:
Get clothes out night before and have a shower/Bath.
Pull curtains - if he doesn’t do this two days running he has money deducted from his allowance.
Ideally he has breakfast - even if only a slice of toast and butter.
Puts his pack lunch or lunch money in his bag and Pe Kit ( or he doesn’t get lunch and will get a late for no Pe kit)
I’m reasonably confident he does teeth and face.
But some mornings he will get up very late - 20 mins before leaving time. I try to discourage that. I have memories of my Mum pulling duvet off me to get me out of bed.
I feel your pain OP

Mine are 11 and 12 and they get themselves up on their alarms, find clothes, (shirts often still in laundry cupboard!)
Check bags/sportskit.
Get breakfast
Son lets his dog out, brings him in, feeds and waters him
DD cleans her Guinea pigs, feeds and waters them
DD is out the door to the train at 7.15am
Son has later drop off (8.15am) so will do music practice and often homework, with just a brief reminder.

I have been training them since 5 yrs old!! but think it is very important..(and l cannot cope with stress and rushing first thing!)

If you're not happy with doing everything for him.... don't do it for him?! I'm struggling to see any other "solution" here...

My mum still wakes my 19 year old brother up most days, even though he has alarms set, she'll come in 10 min before - but she likes doing it, he's the last baby.

Both my parents would leave for work early, so I had to get myself up, make myself some breakfast and my packed lunch then take myself to school. I was doing this from the age of 11! Your dss is very lazy!
The only thing I do for my ds8 and ds7 is wake them up and take them to school, they pack their own lunch boxes ( I do make the sandwiches though) and snacks. Brush their own teeth and off we go.

15 yo ds sorts himself out. Will wake him with 30 minutes to go if I haven't seen him.

Would he care if he got in trouble for being late? Stop waiting on him, let him face the consequences for being lazy. I was the same as you when I was that age. Teenagers are usually not morning people, true, but they don't need to be pandered to.

DD yr7 here and quite persnickety. Leaves for bus at 7:30am and walks to end of road. She sets her own alarm for 6am which allows for pottering/snooze. Gets up in her own time but pretty sharpish. Dresses, comes down for breakfast which sometimes she makes or sometimes I help. Packs her bag with specific books for the day and sorts her PE kit.

DD2 (yr4) often comes down in plenty of time for breakfast with DD1. Sometimes needs me to wake her but then manages all of above - dressing, packing, breakfast.

What time is your DSS turning off screens/going to bed. My DDs are quite young for their ages so lights out by 9pm. Over the holidays, they can easily sleep past 7am.

My 12 year old gets up when his alarm goes off, gets in the shower, gets a uniform out (and will stick one in the tumble drier if the only clean sets are on the drier and still damp), gets his breakfast, makes his bed, packs his bag, makes his lunch. Once clothed, clean, packed and fully dressed he can have screen time till he needs to leave to cycle to school.

I have to nag him to wear his reflective coat and check if he is wearing uniform socks and has cookery stuff if its that week but he is pretty good in the mornings mostly.

My DD (14) sets her alarm for 0645, gets up just after 7am. She needs to leave by the time the 8am news on Radio 2 finishes. In that hour she feeds the cats, has a shower and spends 30 minutes on her hair and has a milky coffee and a bowl of cereal (gets her own). She’ll also make her bed and on occasion wash her mug and bowl. She also manages to spend most of the hour on her phone too.

I pity his future partner if he expects this kind of babying at 14. And how would he cope at uni or in adult life in general?

My 11 yo dd started high school in September. She sets her own alarm, gets in the shower, gets dressed, joins me and her siblings for breakfast, dries her hair, does her teeth and off she goes. It's her responsibility to make sure she has what she needs for school. I was her clothes and put them in a pile on her bed for her to put away. She's more than capable of getting her own breakfast but we all eat together so I do it most of the time. However if they aren't down by a set time they get their own.

Sounds like a fairly average 14 year old morning zombie routine to me. Ds had bed to school down to 15 minutes at one point. You could back off and let him sort himself out, but he'll be late/ miss the bus a few times while he adjusts. You could also work on his sleep hygiene (as well as the other sort) so he can face getting up

My DS is 14. He sleeps through several alarms and has to be called several times before he gets up. I put his clothes out for him and make his breakfast. He does his hair and teeth, gets his stuff together and is really good at getting out of the door on time.

Turn the bloody tv off for a start

How long has he been staying over 3 nights a week? It might be that he feels, I don’t know, but sort of awkward? Like that feeling we all sometimes get when staying at a friends house for the weekend and you’re up and about in the morning and scared of getting in the way of what they’re doing as it’s their house...if that makes sense.

YABU to expect him to be any different if you’re mug enough to wait hand and foot on him in the morning.

Just tell him straight that he’s far too old to have his breakfast made for him, and let him deal with the consequences of being late for school and/or hungry.

You’re really not doing him any favours. He’s fourteen, not four.

My 17 year old DS gets up about 30 mins before college, quick shower, clothes on, teeth, hair and out the door. Once he reached his teens I stopped trying to make him eat breakfast.

14 year old DS is exactly the same except I don't do any pandering (so I wouldn't do the waking up or sorting out clothes or breakfast).

He basically gets up at the last possible minute, drags on some clothes and and leaves. We do make sure he brushes his teeth as he's had some issues with them, but washing is a bit of a pipe dream (to be fair, he does have a shower at night). He doesn't eat breakfast unless it's to grab a banana or piece of bread on the way out as it "takes too long".
He was much better as short a time as 3 months ago. I'm hoping it is a short phase (but maybe not judging by answers on here).

Why are you making his breakfast?

I’ve got a 15 year old and 12 year old. The 12 year old only has a shower under duress, but the 15 year old gets one every morning, then styles his hair. Me or DH wakes them up, but then it’s up to them to get washed, dressed, prepare breakfast if they want it, brush teeth and make sure they’re at the car putting their stuff in by the time I’m leaving! What you’re describing would not be tolerated...and they know I mean business, because the times they’ve tried something like that on, I’ve gone to work and left them to get themselves to school. Once it’s lighter in the mornings, the 12 year old will be setting off on his own, on his bike to catch his school bus - no hand holding, it’s not good for them!