What do you expect them to do before school?

[IsThisNormalBehaviour]

Name changed for this post.

What would you expect your 14YO DS to do when getting ready for school.

14 year old DSS is driving me nuts every morning he is with us (3 out of 5 school nights most weeks). He will get out of bed 20 mins before he needs to leave for school.. after being woken several times. He then will get dressed into the school clothes hung ready for him and then sits on the sofa waiting for his toast or cereal for breakfast while watching tv. He then has to be reminded before he leaves to do his teeth.

He never washes his face, never does anything with his hair! He does at least shower every evening after being told to do so.

I've spoken to DH about this and also DSS's mother as well (as we get on ok) They both seem to think this is pretty normal for his age.

DH leaves for work at 5am so I am the one who has to deal with this while trying to get myself ready for work also.

At this age I had to set my own alarm, get myself up, breakfast, washed and ready!

AIBU to be expecting the same?

My 8 year olds get themselves up or I wake them if they're not up by a certain time. They get their own breakfast and help their younger sibling if there's no adult in the kitchen when the youngest wants breakfast.

I tell them when it's time to get dressed, if they're not already dressed. They get their own clothes out of their cupboards or raid the laundry pile if the cupboards are empty.

They pick their own bags, get their own food/drink and then put the telly on when everything is ready to go.

I am helpful, but they don't expect me to do anything for them in the mornings. I don't expect this to change once they're teenagers!

My DS is 14 and gets himself up, showered, breakfasted, dressed, packs his schoolbag and takes anything else he'll need that day (eg games bag, musical instruments etc), takes responsibility for having enough cash to catch the bus and locks the door behind him.
His dad and I leave the house before him and to be honest I think it's great for him to be so independent. I was doing the same from a lot younger than 14.

Ds(14) gets up, showers, goes for a poo (15 mins!!), dresses, gets breakfast (cereal, fruit juice), brushes teeth, finishes dressing (tie, jumper, shoes) and then walks to bus stop.

He gets his uniform, bag, pe bag, money sorted the night before.

Dd (13) gets up after the second shout, gets dressed comes downstairs, makes her breakfast, eats goes upstairs washes her face, brushes her teeth, leaves her room tidy and makes bed, back down does dishwasher.
She has learned that if these thing aren't done by 8.15 she won't get a lift to school and will have to walk as that's what time I leave with the three younger kids to take them.
No jobs done no lift.
It's a twenty minute walk and she hates walking in the morning.

Stop babying/enabling him. None of you are doing him any favours.

I don't think I've ever washed my face in the morning, just how dirty has it got since the shower the night before? Is breakfast eating particularly messy? (Also not sure what "hair" a 14 year old boy would normally have to do, but that does at least depend on their chosen style, they may have some attention required)

Getting up and out the door within 20 minutes is quite normal, if anything it's rather slow and leisurely.

I leave the house at 7. Since she was about 11 i have shouted her as i leave to wake her up and she just sorts herself out. She always has breakfast, locks up and is never late for school. She's 16 now and hates it if anyone else is in in the mornings when she is getting up

He waits for his breakfast?! Mine are 10 and 12 and been making their own breakfasts for years 😳

" after being woken several times. He then will get dressed into the school clothes hung ready for him and then sits on the sofa waiting for his toast or cereal for breakfast while watching tv. "

Wtf??

How has that mess come about?

Just leave him, he's more than old enough to sort himself out, maybe when ther children start commenting about his smelly breath and unkept apperance he might change. And don't make him breakfast, my own were sorting themselves out (under my supervision) at 7 years old.

We wake ours up
They get 10 minuet shouts - ten to o’clock etc

They do everything else - food clothes bags etc - I do remind on medications but it’s rarely forgotten and saves me a round trip to drop it up to school.

Stop babying him.
He needs to get up on first call, make it as loud as necessary. If he can't or won't, he needs to go to bed earlier.
He can make his own breakfast, are you crazy??
Turn off the television until he's ready, including teeth brushed. He's pathetic.

15 year old DD is completely independent. She sets alarm and gets up, dresses and washes, walks the dog, makes her lunch and sets off for the bus. I leave whilst she is walking the dog and DH leaves whilst she is making her lunch. She is responsible for locking the house and getting herself to the bus stop on time.

Your son, OP, seems to be very reliant on you and could possibly benefit from being a bit more independent and responsible for his own actions.

Blimey, even my youngest (7) can do their own cereal and pop a piece of bread in the toaster -if I were you I’d stipulate he makes his own or goes without! Also not up to you to get him up - either he learns or gets only alarm clocks for birthday...could be a useful carrot?!

Some 14 year old boys are constantly exhausted. Hormones do play a part. Is he really doing this to annoy or is he just dozy and wondering why he's always in trouble and doesn't know where to start?
I agree its a bit much making you do everything. However, maybe consider
Is he finding life at school difficult and really doesn't want to go in?
Is he finding it difficult swapping homes.
Does he feel uncomfortable helping himself in the kitchen? Does he even really know where everything is kept Mine are always asking where things are. Maybe he thinks thats just the way it is in your house and goes along with it without questioning and doesnt know you'd really like him to get his own breakfast.

Its tempting to let him just drown and suffer the consequences, but sometimes this can make things at school considerably worse for him. He's probably having exams in January and may be struggling. This might also make him really resent you if he gets into trouble.

Some boys are intelligent but really need help with organisation. It might be that he needs to have a routine planned out for him as some just live in quite a haphazard way. Think of this as weaning and helping him to be more independent.

I would suggest. A calendar on his wall. Reminders in his phone. A list on his bedroom wall of what he needs to pack and the rule is it has to be packed before bed every night. A wrtten morning toutine on his wall. Does he have his own labelled coat/bag peg...
Get him to plan a breakfast menu (start of with things he really wants) but he has to make it himself and set it out the night before hand. Cooking together and teaching him how to cook makes a huge difference to both their independence and confidence.
I'd also try hard to do this in a very friendly way. Apparently it takes 21 days to learn a new habit.. if he can fix even two of the things you mentioned in the next two weeks - its progress and shows he can get there.

Mine is 6 and gets herself dressed (I do leave her clothes out for her though), makes her own breakfast (cereal), and often makes me a cup of tea, then will brush her teeth and her hair, then I'll style it. Been doing this for at least a year. Needs very little prompting.
I would stop mollycoddling him and I'd let him have natural consequences. If he doesn't set an alarm he'll be late, doesn't make breakfast will be hungry!

At that age I would knock on their doors to ensure they were up.

They got themselves washed/dressed as necessary, got their own breakfast and got themselves to school or ready in time for a lift.

I did, and still do, make packed lunches which is my choice not an expectation.

At times I’ve done breakfast for them and do make tea for the youngest. Again, my choice not an expectation.

Erm... he's having you on OP 😂

Grow a spine and tell him he sorts himself out.

Start slow

Leave cereal milk and bowl and tell him to help himself

Then reduce to bowl and milk - leaving cereal in the cupboard - if he’s hungry he’d do it

Natural consequences. Just leave him to it. He’ll learn!

At that age I did my own washing, made my breakfast and certainly didn’t expect a wake up or reminder....

at 11 made own breakfast. was reminded what to do afterwards.
at 12 something has kicked in and she now does breakfast, drink, hair, finds own clothes, teeth , inhaler, dresses, packs own bag the night before.

10 year old, asd, woken, given breakfast drink, clothes, reminded to dress, bag packed for them, handed tie, does own tie. executive skills will kick in later than NT usually. this is the easiest way to get to school without having a total utter meltdown.

backward chaining is one way to go, ie you do everything until the last step, which they do. gradually reduce the steps you do.

No telly in the morning and get his own breakfast. If he wants to get ready in twenty minutes and leave his hair I wouldn’t be bothered to fight that battle and concentrate on yourself.

Sounds like a typical teenager to me 🤷 you don't have the make their breakfast. Perhaps I'm a push over but I wouldn't mind doing cereal or toast for a teenager. Most teenagers I know have no breakfast or pick up an energy drink on the way to school...I'd prefer to spend 2 mins giving them something.

My 2 teenagers (17 & 15) do everything except make their lunches in the mornings. I wake them, they sort they're bags the night before, get breakfast, dressed and washed. I do have to remind my 15 year old to do his teeth properly. My 9 year old still gets everything done for him.