What do you expect them to do before school?

[IsThisNormalBehaviour]

Name changed for this post.

What would you expect your 14YO DS to do when getting ready for school.

14 year old DSS is driving me nuts every morning he is with us (3 out of 5 school nights most weeks). He will get out of bed 20 mins before he needs to leave for school.. after being woken several times. He then will get dressed into the school clothes hung ready for him and then sits on the sofa waiting for his toast or cereal for breakfast while watching tv. He then has to be reminded before he leaves to do his teeth.

He never washes his face, never does anything with his hair! He does at least shower every evening after being told to do so.

I've spoken to DH about this and also DSS's mother as well (as we get on ok) They both seem to think this is pretty normal for his age.

DH leaves for work at 5am so I am the one who has to deal with this while trying to get myself ready for work also.

At this age I had to set my own alarm, get myself up, breakfast, washed and ready!

AIBU to be expecting the same?

My 13 yr old gets himself up and sorted most days. Sometimes I have to wake him up as he’s falken back to sleep.
He makes his own breakfast if he wants it. I’ve stopped trying to nag him to eat breakfast as most days he doesn’t want any.
I make his packed lunch.
No tv as he’d get distracted by it.

Blimey, I thought mine were bad! My two (10 and 8) get up, find uniform, get dressed, make breakfast, eat it, clear plates, brush teeth, pack bags and they're done. If they're not ready at leaving time, then no screen that evening. There's still sometimes a bit of hassling and reminding, but I don't actually do any of it for them. Definitely ditch the morning TV for a start, and make him make his own breakfast!

My DD is 11, I make her porridge and put on kitchen table and make her sandwich, she does everything else and get's herself to school for 9, I leave at 8.30. I also nag to wash hair, but face and teeth she does anyway.

Mine was roughly the same at that age!!
They wouldn't have breakfast so I insisted on a smoothie.
We never have tv on in the morning though. Never did from when they were born to now and one is 23 this year!!

Not being unreasonable. However my 16 year old does not get up by himself. I wake him up 3x. All he then has to do is get his uniform on and brush his teeth.

I pack his bag and make his breakfast. I make his lunch. I have to remind him to brush his teeth every single day.... aaarghh!

I tried for years to encourage independence. In fact at 10 he used to get himself up and make his own breakfast. (Still didn’t brush his teeth without being asked).

I tried consequences. I tried just leaving him (he was late every single day for school). He just can’t do it without help. He would go until 5pm before eating anything. He’s basically not coping well with growing up!

So I made a deal with him - do your work at school. Revise. Do your homework. I’ll make sure you get there on time, have eaten breakfast, have brushed your teeth, have your lunch.

Then when you get a job. Or go to college. Good luck! I’m done.

y7. Hangs blazer/skirt up when comes in from school and packs bag for next day.

I get up for school (1 hour before she leaves)but she does have an alarm set which I am gradually phasing in the use of. I make her breakfast and packed lunch because I like to. She has a wash/shower, does teeth, brushes hair and gets dressed immediately after breakfast. No tv in the morning, ever. Checks phone for messages when she is ready and only when ready which is usually about 10 minutes prior to her leaving the house.

Sounds like me in the morning. I'm not a morning person!

My 14 yo - gets up after being called twice. Sits half asleep on the sofa. Gets dressed. Then gets redressed when I tell them to change the t-shirt they wore yesterday (they insist on wearing one under their school shirt) and then to bed, might put deodorant on. Sometimes they eat breakfast, sometimes not. Goes in the bathroom, I know not what they do in there! Puts shoes on and leaves.

I remain on the sofa snuggled in a blanket sleepily shouting reminders about deodorant and leaving the house!

At the completely opposite end of the spectrum, and this may not sound believable but is genuinely true....
My DS was in nursery with a child who I'll call "Ben"
Ben's mum bought him a TV and DVD player (~2004 when these things were desirable!) for his bedroom when he was 3. Ben's mum did everything for him, including breakfast in bed from when he started school. Every day. Breakfast in bed, then dressed him and took him to school.
When he went to secondary school, rather than let him get the bus home (loads of kids did, it was basically a straight road for about 4 miles), Ben's mum used to come into work early, then use her lunchbreak at 3pm to drive to Ben's school, pick him up, drive home, then come back to work.
Ben did not make any effort to do anything, including school work and didn't pass his maths and English GSCEs (he was capable, just didn't bother). Ben's mum has now cut back on working hours so she can drive him to and from 6th form college to do re-sits. He doesn't speak to her.

I honestly think that kids that do a bit of stuff for themselves and do their best to be organized are happier and just get on better. No one was ever disadvantaged by getting a bowl of cereal when they were hungry.

Sounds normal to me, and my memories of adolescence mostly involve being so knackered in the morning that I could barely get out of bed.

However, he should probably do his own breakfast and keep a toothbrush at school. Unless he's so tired as to be a liability with the toaster - that's your call.

Since I've had a baby all I need to do is wake my 10 year old DD up. She does her own hair, gets dressed, gets breakfast, brushes teeth and gets snack and drink for school sorted. If she has time she also makes me a cup of tea or coffee! (I don't ask her, she just surprises me). For a 14 yr old that behaviour is just lazy and I wouldn't accept it as ok

OP, if he's keen on his morning TV, how about flipping it around to become a reward? Tell him he can put the TV on for a bit once he's ready to walk out of the door (having made his own breakfast etc)? I used to do this with mine when they were little.

my 14 year old generally gets herself up, ready and out of the door by 7.30am. Occasionally running late, skips breakfast or grabs something to eat on the way to the bus stop, but for the most part can organise herself. Has been doing this herself since year 8 (age 12)

Mine are boh 17 now but since 11-ish they have got themselves up after one call, showered, cleaned teeth, dressed (they put their clothes out the night before), had breakfast and a drink which they get themselves, walked to school. No TV in our house before evening. I would not expect to be reminding them about teeth or anything "usual" obviously I would remind them if they had something special like a trip or a piece of project work to take in.

Sounds normal, not unlike me (I shower too but can get everything done in 20 mins and be in the car!)

Its not typical teenage behaviour in my experience of these things! Maybe take any screens out of his room at night?

Stop laying his clothes and stop getting his breakfast!!!

Do remind him about washing face/teeth - this part is fairly normal!

To put into a different, at that age we were expected to get up, shower, dressed, make our beds, leave bedroom tidy, get breakfast ready and do breakfast dishes before leaving. I'll say one thing it's served us all well for the future and out own homes.

Ds is 14. He gets up, showers, cleans face, brushes teeth. Gets dressed, gets own breakfast, finishes packed lunch (will have done some bits the night before). Makes bed, check bag, goes to school. He gets up an hour and a half before he needs to leave. If he's ready early which he often is, he does homework or more often watches TV or games.

Dd (10) pretty much organizes herself and does similar, but she showers after school, I make part of her lunch, and I do her hair, coz it's past her bum.

My DS sorts himself out - why is anyone having to put clothes out for a 14 yr old? Thats weird.

Sometimes I do make breakfast for him - to be nice but not matter of course everyday. And why's the telly on?

14 yr old DS here

• alarm goes off at 6.15am
• shower (which has a timer set to 15min because otherwise he would stand in there for over half an hour)
• he usually appears downstairs sometime around 7ish and gets a bowl of cereal for breakfast
• after much time wasting he eventually finishes his bowl of cereal and goes back upstairs to do his hair and brush his teeth around 7.40ish
• he does the above (as well as making sure his bed is made, curtains/blinds pulled and windows opened), packs his bag (with packed lunch he has made the night before) and leaves by 7.55am

It is a ridiculous length of time to get ready but if his alarm goes off later than 6.15 he simply won’t be out on time.

I do not nag, I do not remind, I do not help - he is responsible for getting out on time in a clean, hygienic way, with all his belongings.

I have 3 younger DC who have to leave by 8.50 - younger two will time waste until DS has left but once he’s gone they then have 45min to read/do some extra maths/tidy their room.

Middle DC is generally very efficient in the mornings but when stressed she doesn’t sleep well and is like a snail. This morning is good - she has breakfast while DS was in the shower then had her shower afterwards inc washing her hair - was done by 7.30am and has just spent half an hour on the piano and and is now reading before school. I wish they were all like that every day!

I should say that I do nothing in the mornings for any of the DC except for tying up the younger two’s hair. Other than that they are on their own - it’s been that way for a long time - no way am I making breakfast/chivvying them along - they won’t ever learn responsibility otherwise. (Youngest two are 8)

Get up, get washed, clean teeth, iron his uniform if it needs ironing and check his pets are fed and watered and have breakfast. Sometimes he irons, sometimes I do. Whoever isn't ironing puts the kettle on and makes the drinks.

My only just 15 year old does this each morning and is always ready to leave on time.

It's easier when they are in their own home though as they are probably more comfortable there and are used to the routines - your DSS might feel he has to ask before doing stuff whereas my DS will just do it. He wouldn't do it in someone else's house though.

Perhaps he could be encouraged to shower-might help him feel refreshed & less sluggish?

Him sitting waiting for breakfast to appear before him obviously isn't right, but there's nothing wrong with helping out by say getting breakfast stuff out whilst he's showering/getting dressed.

OK, in theory, both my teens are perfectly capable of getting themselves up and dressed and out of the door.

In practice, I do much more for them than when they were 10/11/12.

I recognise that as teen they actually do find it really hard to get out of bed in the morning. I also feel that supporting them in this one way is giving them a bit of support.
dd (13) doesn't really eat breakfast
ds (16) HAS to eat a huge bowl of cereal or he can't function.

I wake them both at 7 am. Leaving time (car to station) is 7:30.
We then give them 5 minute time warnings. I insist on a conscious reply each time. dd gets up at 7:15-7:20. ds gets up at 7:22.
They both appear in the kitchen at 7:25.
ds shovels in a bowl of cereal and they run for the car.

They eat school dinners, but I make extra sandwiches for ds, and a roll for dd, which she eats in the car for breakfast.

I think it is normal for teens!

That sounds like mine but without the late wake up.Hes 4! At 14 I think maybe he should be getting his own breakfast and sorting his own clothes tbh