What do you expect them to do before school?

[IsThisNormalBehaviour]

Name changed for this post.

What would you expect your 14YO DS to do when getting ready for school.

14 year old DSS is driving me nuts every morning he is with us (3 out of 5 school nights most weeks). He will get out of bed 20 mins before he needs to leave for school.. after being woken several times. He then will get dressed into the school clothes hung ready for him and then sits on the sofa waiting for his toast or cereal for breakfast while watching tv. He then has to be reminded before he leaves to do his teeth.

He never washes his face, never does anything with his hair! He does at least shower every evening after being told to do so.

I've spoken to DH about this and also DSS's mother as well (as we get on ok) They both seem to think this is pretty normal for his age.

DH leaves for work at 5am so I am the one who has to deal with this while trying to get myself ready for work also.

At this age I had to set my own alarm, get myself up, breakfast, washed and ready!

AIBU to be expecting the same?

I should add though, that they are responsible for all their school stuff, they are expected to have school clothes out night before, I only wash what goes in the laundry basket, and they have to have bags packed and ready the night before.
Anyone running downstairs saying "I don't have any clean socks" gets a blank look from me!
They also shower in the evening, and we have never had TV on in the morning.
dd at 13 had her phone downstairs overnight, collects it as she runs to the car
ds has his in his room, but he isnt on it, he doesn't have time!

My 2.5 year old pours some Rice Krispies into a bowl for himself and puts his own pants on!

For those who have younger kids, it changes at 13. With ds, pretty much overnight!
dd2 is 11, she does everything for herself, including alarm clock and getting herself up. Ds and dd1 did too at that age!

Teenage is a developmental stage and it requires a little different handling at times.

My 15 year old ds sets his own alarm for 05.30. He showers, sorts his afro, gets dressed and gets his own breakfast. He makes his bed and feeds the dogs and cat. He makes me a cuppa as I walk through the door from a night shift and I drop him off at the bustop at 07.00.

My 17 year old dd lies in bed watching shit on her phone, gets up 15 mins before she needs to leave and rushes out the door for work without having a drink or breakfast 🤷‍♀️

My 12 year old dss would look like an absolute scruff off I let him. I have to march him up stairs to do his teeth and comb his hair. Drives me nuts.

steppemum - it doesn’t have to change at 13 - it didn’t for my DS and it never did for me or my siblings either. It might have been harder for us to get up in the mornings, but there were expectations which had been set from when we were young and those didn’t change. It’s the same for DS - he simply knows what’s expected of him and yes, we recognise that at 14 he is growing fast and hormones are going crazy, but that doesn’t mean we expect less of him - it means we recognise that he has to put a bit more effort in to being a responsible human being and member of the family and that’s just life. Schools don’t allow kids to be late for class because they are teens, those with jobs don’t get grace because they turned 13/14 overnight - they expect them to behave responsibly and appropriately - it’s part of growing up.

13 yo

Extra school (cooking/sewing/art/swimming) stuff and after school stuff for the next day ready as soon as we get home. I ask her to go and sort out piano books or violin etc and put them by the front door because I prefer it done and by the door so I can tick it off my mental list, she would do it later or in the morning and is very organised so would rarely forget anything, but it would be me that has the inconvenience if she forgets stuff (especially the after school stuff) and it’s ‘in my head’ so I make sure it’s ready.

She sets her own alarm, gets up, dressed (prefers to shower st night), teeth, hair, curtains, straightens bed, jammies in the wash etc.

I make her breakfast for in the car. We have a 30 minute drive and she’s not a big, or morning, eater, but will eat it in the car. I make it because I’m in the kitchen anyway making coffee, emptying the dishwasher etc. If I have other stuff to do she’ll happily make her own.

She has school lunches.

When she had a hamster she was very good at sorting out the cage, food, water etc without being reminded. Both morning and evening. Cleaning it out properly we did together at the weekend.

We leave for school calmly and in a good mood at 7:30.

However, a LOT of it is nature, not nurture.

Other DC were not the same and there were days where I swear I said ‘hurry up’ or ‘NOW’ or Put Your Socks and Shoes ON’ etc so many times every day I was fit to burst by the time we got in the car it was not calm 🤬

Oh and anyone who thinks they’ve cracked it because their small child does it, I hate to burst your bubble, but...🤣😂🤣😂. Some of them change. A lot. You’ll swear it’s an imposter.

I expect my DC (y5 and y9) to:
Sort their school bags the night before and hang uniform up
Get up (I wake them)
Get dressed
Make their own breakfast and drink, and clear away afterwards
Brush their teeth
Feed pets
When all this is done they can go on their ipads

I give 5 minute warning to the younger child to put shoes and coat on.
I help the ASD child with their hair.

I expect my 9 and 11 year olds to get their clothes ready and shower at night, pack their bag for the next day. And get their own breakfast. They get themselves ready in the morning.

Give him a list of what’s required. Then hit him where it hurts. Money off allowance / time off screen time / change the WiFi password if it isn’t done.

Chocolateismynemesis

what an incredible pompous post.
Obviously, I have no expectations of my teensdon't. Obviously your family was all perfect.

you do know the tag line for this site is about parents SUPPORTING parents. So, you know, when people are finding their teens hard work, you can just tell them what a bad job they are doing

No, not all teens are the same, and some are natural morning people, and some not, and no size fits all etc. Good for your ds and you and your siblings that you all foudn teenage years so easy.

But the teenage brain is going through a massive re-ordering stage and it does effect them.
A bit of love and support in the areas they need is also being a good parent.

YANBU to expect him to do more.

So make him.

Stop hanging his uniform up. Stop making him breakfast. Switch the TV off.

You're not doing him any favours by waiting on him hand and foot.

DD (17) - gets up 30 mins before leaving the house so she has time for breakfast, cleaning her face & teeth plus getting dressed. Gives her school bag a final check. Sends several hundred Snapchats!!!

DS (14) - gets up at the same time as DD but leaves for school 30 mins later. Does pretty much the same (minus Snapchat) plus a bit of piano practice and occasionally the last few bits of homework.

Both of them shower in the evening as there's never any time in the mornings.

My ds is 16. I bang on his door if I don't hear him moving around and yes I make his breakfast as otherwise he would't eat any and I think it's important he is fueled before school. He gets himself dressed and cleans his teeth. Washing his face? In a parallel universe.

"making his breakfast" = putting cereal in a bowl so hardly onerous.

When mine were that age (not very long ago), they got up at their allotted shower time; showered and dressed; ate breakfast- made by either them, or whoever was in the kitchen (sometimes I made eggs, sometimes they ate cereal), at the table; collected their packed lunches and packed their bags; went for respective buses (DD’s comes to the door as she has sn).

Nobody uses the sitting room in the morning- it’s the only room with a tv in it.

Reading through the thread, I think we’re unusual in being morning showerers though!

I wouldn't pander to my 7 year old the way this 14 year old is pandered to. I help my 7 yo make her breakfast as a 6 pint milk carton is heavy. But she can do it herself. She gets her own school uniform out of the drawer to get dressed. My 11 and 15 yo both get themselves up, make their own breakfast and get everything sorted that they need for the day. The 15 yo has taken himself out of the house at the correct time for his school bus since he was 12.

for all the ‘my toddler gets his own breakfast’ replies....the difference between toddlers/small kids and teens is the little ones LIKE doing things for themselves. It’s fun. My kids all fed and sorted themselves as smaller, then they hit puberty and regress. It’s also true that teens biologically want to be up late/sleep late so getting up in the morning is often hard for them.
That said my daughter (15) wakes herself mostly, sorts her hair/make up/teeth/clothes. The 11 yo needs waking but is then pretty independent, but my son is useless in the morning. He needs to be woken. Told to dress, told to brush teeth, brush hair, etc. He does have mild learning delays but honestly he’s just not a morning person. I’d stop making him breakfast but the rest I’d cut him some slack.

At that age, I set my alarm for about 7.30, had a shower, got ready and made my own breakfast before walking to the bus stop.

My 12 year old sleeps straight through any alarm so we do have to wake her, but only the once. She gets herself dressed, teeth cleaned etc and is responsible for making sure she has what she needs in her school bag.

My kids are not completely self-sufficient in that I still put their hair up each morning so i do think it is fine to do some things to smooth the morning along. The bit from the OP that I wouldn’t put up with is the sitting on the sofa waiting for breakfast to be delivered. Get him to get his own and to eat it at a table without screens. You may find that without the goggle box he is better at remembering to clean his teeth etc.

Alarm goes off at 7.25. I shout upstairs about 3 times to get up.

He does.

He showers and washes hair.
Get dressed.

Sits for ages at the kitchen island eating his breakfast (which he gets himself - cereal/toast/bagel) unless DH is also milling around and sometimes he will get him something with his earphones in and looking at his phone.

Does not reply to anything (earphones) until signal made.

Goes upstairs to brush teeth (but always takes a very long time and not really sure what else happens in that time).

He self monitors leaving time to cycle to school.

Has done all this since year 9 - now year 12.

My lads were both totally different from each other at 14 ( and to a certain extent still are) with morning routines.
DS1 was and still is at 22 up early and in the shower for ages singing at the top of his head waking everyone else up!
DS2, well it is like rising the dead!

We had to push him in to the shower saying ' get in lad, you bloody well stink' Thankfully teenage hormones have settled!

Neither wanted breakfast and still don't but I insisted that they had at least a smoothie that I made with protein powder and almond milk and other stuff.
To be fair at that age I was the same as DS2 and I'm still no good in the mornings no matter how much sleep I get. It's like DS2 says, his body resets it's self after he has been up for a while and then he is ok. DS1 just thinks he is nuts and doesn't understand why DS2 doesn't get up and hit the ground running first thing in the morning!

There's a lot of examples on here about how organised and independent some children are. But they didn't get that way overnight. I think you'd get more progress out of him if he believes that you are on his side so I don't agree with the swim or drown advice.
He's clearly not going to undergo an instant transformation. But if you give him clear small ahievable targets, he might start trying to do them and you will both be on the road to both improving your relationship with him because he feels you have his back in emergencies, but he will also gain confidence from being independent.
Disorganised boys often have a lot of trouble at school because they forget things or are late etc.. and sometimes it can be overwhelming because they dig themselves into a hole and don't know how to dig themselves out. It cant be easy learning to commute between two homes.
Teens are both young adults and children at the same time, in two worlds and trying to make sense of both. if they are not coping they hear parents advice as nagging and get upset although they may not show it. It may sound exasperating because you've probably already told him a number of times to do things, but keep trying. You've already got a list of what you would like him to do.
He will take his cue from you, the adult so try not to make it a hardline conflict but more something that may improve his life. Ask him nicely to do a specific thing. eg Tomorrow's breakfast, which he can choose and move on step by step from there. I wish you all the best.

Make your husband pay for childcare for him - why should you be lumbered with him from when the husband goes out when he's not your child.

However it is not unusual. I was still pulling clothes on one of my daughters when she had pubic hair I am afraid although my younger children were better.

Make your husband pay for childcare for him - why should you be lumbered with him from when the husband goes out when he's not your child.

Let's have a knee jerk reaction eh?

sits waiting for his cereal or toast?! Fuck that! My 6, 7 and 8 year old’s get their own bloody cereal so a 14 year old definitely should be!

My DC (like I say, aged 6, 7 and 8) get themselves dressed including shoes and coats on, brush their teeth and get themselves breakfast. Sometimes need prompting to put coats and shoes on, sure. All I do is brush and tie the girls hair back.