My partner won't stop pestering me for sex

[Saminsachs]

My partner has a huge sex drive. We have a four month old baby and tbh,I have not been at all in the mood since giving birth. I wasn't before either,but I had sex with him to keep the peace,as he goes on and on and on about it and gets in a terrible mood.

Anyway,he's been away working for ten days and got back last night and wanted sex straight away. He didn't want to talk,just,as he puts it 'get laid' I was tired and kept on saying no and when he realised he wasn't going to get sex,he just went on the computer.

This morning,he's been on and on about it and even started unbuttoning his trousers, wanting a 'quickie' when our baby was right there next to him in his bouncy chair.

It's all he wants,but I just don't want to...not all the time. I just do it to make him stop pestering me. I could actually in all honesty very happily live without it. But I also hope that if I say yes and do it,it'll satisfy him for a few days...but it never does.

Aibu?

Read all the OPs posts @Gth1234... it's not just this unpleasant sex pestering, it's a whole heap of unpleasantness.

Thanks for your response, OP ! I’m really sorry, again, that your partner is behaving like this. Please ignore gth - what you’ve described is in no way too little to leave over! Hopefully the shocked response of most of the women here will tell you that.

Even if he didn’t treat you terribly, the fact you feel so much better when he isn’t there should be enough to make you reassess your relationship.

Btw my partner has never, ever called me a bitch or any other insult and would be aghast at the thought if it. Previous partners did... and you know what? I left, and I am so, so glad I did.

You sound like you’re in an okay position to leave eventually actually, given that you have an income stream of your own (and if it’s freelance, maybe it isn’t tied to this particular location?). One thing to keep in mind is that men like this, who aren’t especially interested in their children, often talk a big game about seeing their kids, threaten to get full or 50% custody, and say they would never let you move away... but after you leave, they will only maintain contact for a few months before they get bored of keeping up with the visiting schedule. It may be that in the end your partner will not present a serious barrier to you moving back to the UK, if that’s what you want. But if you are upfront about wanting to do that as you’re leaving him, he will almost certainly stop you.

Sending you strength and good luck, OP. Hopefully other posters can provide a bit of practical advice 💐

Also, does he contribute to the costs associated with the children? If not then you really are in an exceptionally strong position to leave (once you’re ready), as you’re already essentially managing by yourself...

He's an abuser. This is sexual abuse and coercive control.
I would be EXTREMELY surprised if he wasn't abusive in other ways too. He doesn't view you as a full human.

I appreciate this advice so much.

In answer to some of the questions...

He gets child benefit for our daughter, but I have absolutely no idea where that money goes - I provide absolutely everything for her. I receive child benefit for our son. I provide everything for him as well.

He has hit me a few times and pushed me over, but nothing serious. The most memorable was him hitting me when I was breastfeeding our daughter,because I was 'underminding' him and my glasses pushed into my nose and it made me bleed. His mother was there at the time and she comforted HIM - something along the lines of him being upset that he'd done it.

On Christmas Day just gone, he got so frustrated with our baby crying that he broke the front door. He also regularly calls me a c*.

Looks so bad written down :(

It sucks that some people have such high drives and others not. Some partners have very low sex drives and never ask for it (yes some men like this!). Would be nice if everyone had the same sex drive as their partner!

@Mamabear12
RTFT op's partner is abusive

Please get whatever support you can from friends, family or agencies to leave this awful man. You and your children deserve much better.

A man who instigates sex in front of a child and hits a woman whilst breastfeeding has such low boundaries he is a real threat to the safety of you all. Get help and get out.

Stay safe. If you post a new thread on relationships you will get a whole lot of advice on leaving safely. Start by clearing your internet history.

Sending you love and strength Sam, this is a sad thread.
Take your time, and plan your escape from this horrible man.
You will always have our support, so don't be alone.🌸

OMG. It looks bad because you're in a severely abusive relationship. No wonder you don't want to have sex with a violent man-child.
Disgusting. Run run run run run 🏃‍♀️

Sounds like you need to leave that violent man. I know it’s easy said than done but your daughter needs to grow up in a household where her mum is not being abused!! Seek some advice, there are some agencies out there that can support you. His behaviour is disgusting. I agree with Blackprism - run!

It looks really bad written down because it is really bad op. Really bad. I’m so sorry you are going through this

He has hit me a few times and pushed me over, but nothing serious

It is that serious, it’s absolutely fucking serious and your children are witness to it. You need to get out for you and to protect them.

This is domestic abuse and sexual assault.

Oh OP. You know you need to get him out of the house before he seriously injures you or the children. I'm sorry

It doesn’t look bad at all written down.

Not at all.

It looks fucking horrific

Please, plan your escape. Please.

Oh, and you might want to get this shifted to relationships. There is nothing worse than pea brained idiots telling you this is normal and flattering

Am not one to say this lightly but LTB.

Is there an equivalent to the Freedom Programme or Women's Aid you can access to help with how leaving might work?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Read this. And look up the Freedom Programme.

Yikes. Didn’t read the part about partner being abusive. That’s awful. If your partner is absuvie, you should leave him!

OP You need to leave for your own safety and your children's safety. When H is away next month could you move back to UK and stay with your mum as an emergency. Don't tell him, just do it. You said hour mum hates him. She seems to have the measure of him. Would she not welcome you back, knowing you have left your violent and abusive H?

Oh god OP I just saw your latest update. As other posters have said he is seriously abusive. Hitting you while breast feeding your child? Hitting you at all?! You cannot stay.

If you cannot leave right now, please please please start logging his abuse whatever way you can. I know it’s so much easier said than done, but if he hits you again try to call the police. They likely won’t do anything but at least the record will be there. Also contact Women’s Aid equivalents to log his violence and abuse. It will be so important when you build your case around custody and access. As it is apparent he will fight you every step of the way. If you have acquaintances in the country you can talk to about this you need to. You need witnesses. Save his abusive text messages (I bet he sends them, doesn’t he?) and keep your phone safe.

And here’s something you can do tonight: get all passports, birth certificates and other essential documents for you and your children together and hide them somewhere he will NEVER find them.

Remember there are so many women on this forum who have been through similar situations and found a better life on the other side. They will always be here to advise you - and I have seen them give some truly excellent, life-changing advice.

Thinking of you all the time OP 💐

The only place this "partner" deserves to be is in prison for rape, sexual assault and domestic violence. This is one of the saddest and most disturbing descriptions I've read about a "relationship" on MN

The only silver lining is that you have time and space and some financial independence to be able to plan your escape. Do your research carefully as he is dangerous. To behave the way he does without any inhibition about your DCs or his mother is quite terrifying.

Stay safe OP xx

To all the posters who were responding as if this was a 'mismatched libido' issue particularly the ones suggesting she should be flattered - please get a clue about domestic abuse. It was screamingly obvious that this is an abusive relationship because of the way he treats her around sex and one type of abuse rarely exists without a spectrum of others.

All of these responses have really hit me hard - I have never talked to anyone about this. I'm really re-evaluating things.

My mum hates him because I told her about one of the times he was violent to me,when I was pregnant with our daughter. He also called her a whore to her face :/

But I don't want to go to stay with her - she is remarried with her own life now and I have a lot of issues with her from childhood - if I moved back to England (which seems like an impossible, unfeasible feat at the moment) then it would be somewhere just the children and I, starting afresh.

But that seems incredibly unlikely. It's all a bit confusing and overwhelming at the moment

Hopefully Saminsachs you’re starting to open your eyes as to how wrong this is and how not normal it is. It’s so utterly horrific that you and your children are being treated like this.

Hopefully his time away will give you time to think about what you need to do and how to get there. And all of MN will be supporting you.