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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Issue with school mum and cleaner

346 replies

hopefullyhelpfully · 07/01/2019 12:22

I've been struggling to find a good cleaner for a while now, so a school mum friend (occasional drinks and coffees, children in same friendship group, same team in PTA quiz etc) gave me contact details for her cleaner and said I could see if she had any availability. She did, and she's been cleaning for 4 months now and is amazing! She works the time she's paid for, notices and does little extras, irons and is generally marvellous.
At Christmas she had the week off but I paid her (have always paid holiday pay to cleaners) and have her some chocolate- and a small outfit for daughter's new baby- nothing extravagant.
She recently announced that she'd be reducing her cleaning hours as she's going to be looking after her daughter's baby when her daughter goes back to work. She's given notice to school mum friend and not to me, and friend is furious. Friend called me and said that as she'd recommended the cleaner, and she'd been working for her a lot longer then I needed to tell her that we didn't need her any more! Apparently I must have found out about her planned reduction in hours which is why I paid holiday pay and gave presents etc, and I have essentially been sneaky. Tbh I genuinely didn't know as I'm not often there when she comes and I thought everyone paid extra at Christmas and holidays! It's also worth pointing out that my children are older, we're all out of the house when she cleans, we're generally tidy and I'm not especially demanding, none of which is the case for my friend.
Now I was perfectly prepared to ignore her- lovely cleaner has agency over her own life and this is all a bit mad. However she's been telling all our mutual friends that I've "stolen" the cleaner by paying her more (we pay the same) and that losing her is exacerbating her stress and PND (youngest is 5 and she's never mentioned PND in the 11 years I've known her.) There's a lot of other stuff but it boils down to, "heartless full time working parent bribes critical help and support away from vulnerable friend to facilitate her career." I'm the only working mum out of the group so she's got a lot of time to develop the narrative and I'm not there to counter it.

Now to the AIBU- this is impacting DS as he's close friends with her son and the children of her friends. He's not being invited to Friday play dates as we all usually have a glass of wine when picking up and apparently, "it'll be uncomfortable."
I can't have DS impacted, so I'm planning on doing as she asks, firing cleaner and trying to salvage this. However DH says it's unreasonable and unfair to the cleaner. Who's unreasonable?

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 07/01/2019 17:27

She's batty but she comes across as unhinged. If a school mum was saying that sort of thing to me I'd be privately rolling my eyes and steering well clear.

You've made the right call. Good cleaners are worth their weight in gold! Hang on to her. And sounds like you're treating her well and the other mum wasn't.

Seaweed42 · 07/01/2019 17:30

I think the Dad thing is worrying because the DP of the woman at the centre of 'Cleanergate' isn't invited or something, but maybe he will come along anyway being oblivious to the schoolyard politicking going on.
Hopefully something good will come of it for your DH. If he's not social and now has gotten an opportunity to forming a lads night out that's going to be good for him. Hope his drinks night works out great.

alaric77 · 07/01/2019 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UrsulaPandress · 07/01/2019 17:43

I introduced my cleaner to someone. When she cut her hours she kept him and dropped me.

But it was my housebound dad and she used to chat Rugby League to him and not do much cleaning. He enjoyed her company.

EssentialHummus · 07/01/2019 18:12

You know how 99.9% of people on this thread agree with you OP? That’ll be the same in real life, among this group.

CherryPavlova · 07/01/2019 18:16

A cleaner isn’t a chattel to be owned and controlled. They are employees - albeit often self employed. They decide when they work, who they work for and if they want to continue in each employment. Anything else is dehumanising and treating them as objects to be passed between owners.

Oblomov18 · 07/01/2019 18:29

I've seen similar and this never ends well. Close friends and then there is a problem and one gets excluded.

Why has cleaner dumped her and not you? Surely cleaner should have the bollocks to tell her!!

tempester28 · 07/01/2019 18:32

This woman sounds very manipulative and if she is prepared to exclude your son over this issue then this friendsip group is not stable for your son anyway. Something else will crop up if you get passed this issue, which to be honest I don't think you can.

Do some one to one playdates - tell your side if the story to the other mums and they probably know what' she is like anyway! Help your son make at least one secure friendship.

You can also say to this mother you are sorry for what has transpired but there is no point you both being without a good cleaner!

Surfingtheweb · 07/01/2019 18:33

Don't fire the cleaner, fire the "friend"
Your son can make new friends & learn a lesson that we don't let people treat us like crap & bully us so they can get what they want.

Bumblebee39 · 07/01/2019 18:34

Friends come and go

But a decent cleaner? Gold dust!

As you should be able to tell by the fact you're friend would rather lose you than the cleaner. But you're lucky, you get to keep the cleaner.

The friend was not your friend anyway. If it wasn't this it would have been something else.

& cleaners are meant to clean not babysit!

DarlingNikita · 07/01/2019 18:37

Why has cleaner dumped her and not you? Surely cleaner should have the bollocks to tell her!!

It's up to the cleaner what/if she wants to tell her clients about her reasons for cutting down hours/dropping them. She probably has decided the 'friend' is a right royal pain in the arse but has told the white lie about cutting down her hours to spare her feelings. Which is classy and professional, rather than a case of not 'having the bollocks' to tell her the truth.

longwayoff · 07/01/2019 18:40

Nasty jealous entitled hag. Your son needs new friends. You don't need a new cleaner.

Flowersonthewall · 07/01/2019 18:40

@theoryBuilding are the cf friend?!

Kikipost · 07/01/2019 18:45

Why has cleaner dumped her and not you? Surely cleaner should have the bollocks to tell her!!

Daft comment. The cleaner has bugger all responsibility in this scenario. She’s said she is reducing her hours. That is sufficient.

PotteryLady · 07/01/2019 19:00

Friendship is already broke and will still be awkward on a Friday even if you give in. I doubt the cleaner wants to work for her and you are both BU to think you can decide for her.

coconutwheel · 07/01/2019 19:08

Don’t fire your cleaner. The damage is already done, however unfair it is on you. Generally unkind people get found out, it just takes a while. She’ll get her comeuppance. Just quietly contradict her lies whenever possible/asked. Sorry this has happened to you Sad

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 07/01/2019 19:55

Tell your dh to text back the other dad and just say yes great. There's no reason why a few more shouldn't be invited it'd be a good chance for him to get to know the other dads.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 20:03

I really don't understand this, how does she know you paid extra? Why would you tell her this?mWere you showing off? And why is it worrying for others to go out with your husband?

I'm sorry but I suspect you're partly to blame for this idiocy.

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 07/01/2019 20:07

Ditch the bitch!!

MadameButterface · 07/01/2019 20:10

I still don’t understand why/when/how the 5 year old is having naps and being left with the cleaner so she can go running, surely all her dc are at school now if the youngest is 5 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wallywobbles · 07/01/2019 20:33

I'd forewarn the cleaner I think and let her deal with it if she wants to.

SalmonLeBon · 07/01/2019 20:38

OP may not be in UK. So a 5 year old may not be at school yet. A 5 year old napping does seem unusual to me, but maybe if they are a crap night sleeper, it is possible (and may help explain why the ‘friend’ has lost the plot). Or, OP has changed a few details to remain anonymous, which has led to minor inconsistencies.

AhNowTed · 07/01/2019 20:43

Good outcome OP.

Read nothing more into the dads night out as just including more dads. All good.

Like you my DD had a terrible time with friendships at school (still does at uni) and I would have done anything to pave the way, so I understand your dilemma.

A difficult one, but the mum has clearly taken the piss and you're an easier, and more generous/fairer client.

I understand she's pissed off, but in the cleaners place I would do the same.

Tough one.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 07/01/2019 21:00

@hopefullyhelpfully - I've been watching your thread all day and just wanted to say "YAY!" to you and your DH.

As for the dads wanting to have a drink on Wednesday and it being 'controversial', I would imagine that it means going out for a drink on a 'school night' in January...kind of mixing things up. I wouldn't read anymore in to that.

I'm delighted to read your latest update and think you're doing the right thing by hanging on to your cleaner (she obviously likes working for you) and ditching the so called friend.

Onwards and upwards!!!

Absofrigginlootly · 07/01/2019 21:13

Invite kids to yours for play dates, if they come, they come, but don't raise your DS to be so desperate for friendship that he puts up with this kind of shit.

This !!!!!!

Agree with the advise to step back from micromanaging your DSs friendships. Offer him lots of opportunities to make friends but more to help him build the skills for himself

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