Issue with school mum and cleaner

[hopefullyhelpfully]

I've been struggling to find a good cleaner for a while now, so a school mum friend (occasional drinks and coffees, children in same friendship group, same team in PTA quiz etc) gave me contact details for her cleaner and said I could see if she had any availability. She did, and she's been cleaning for 4 months now and is amazing! She works the time she's paid for, notices and does little extras, irons and is generally marvellous.
At Christmas she had the week off but I paid her (have always paid holiday pay to cleaners) and have her some chocolate- and a small outfit for daughter's new baby- nothing extravagant.
She recently announced that she'd be reducing her cleaning hours as she's going to be looking after her daughter's baby when her daughter goes back to work. She's given notice to school mum friend and not to me, and friend is furious. Friend called me and said that as she'd recommended the cleaner, and she'd been working for her a lot longer then I needed to tell her that we didn't need her any more! Apparently I must have found out about her planned reduction in hours which is why I paid holiday pay and gave presents etc, and I have essentially been sneaky. Tbh I genuinely didn't know as I'm not often there when she comes and I thought everyone paid extra at Christmas and holidays! It's also worth pointing out that my children are older, we're all out of the house when she cleans, we're generally tidy and I'm not especially demanding, none of which is the case for my friend.
Now I was perfectly prepared to ignore her- lovely cleaner has agency over her own life and this is all a bit mad. However she's been telling all our mutual friends that I've "stolen" the cleaner by paying her more (we pay the same) and that losing her is exacerbating her stress and PND (youngest is 5 and she's never mentioned PND in the 11 years I've known her.) There's a lot of other stuff but it boils down to, "heartless full time working parent bribes critical help and support away from vulnerable friend to facilitate her career." I'm the only working mum out of the group so she's got a lot of time to develop the narrative and I'm not there to counter it.

Now to the AIBU- this is impacting DS as he's close friends with her son and the children of her friends. He's not being invited to Friday play dates as we all usually have a glass of wine when picking up and apparently, "it'll be uncomfortable."
I can't have DS impacted, so I'm planning on doing as she asks, firing cleaner and trying to salvage this. However DH says it's unreasonable and unfair to the cleaner. Who's unreasonable?

I would suggest that the cleaner is using the dropping hours excuse as a reason to stop cleaning/childcare for your friend

I totally agree with this. I’m actually using a similar excuse to gently let
—get rid off— some of my more challenging —entitled— clients go.

Ok, @theorybuilding is clearly the other mum!

The OP hasn’t done anything wrong, she’s laid he cleaner the same, don’t what everyone recommends on Christmas pay and doesn’t take the piss!

I wrote She is a human cleaner with her own motives and feelings, not a vacuum cleaner to be passed back and forth.

Sorry OP, I've just realised that sounds like it may be aimed at you. I meant more that's how your friend is seeing your cleaner, not you. You sound like a nice person and an excellent client, so I can see why she picked you to continue on with.

Your friends a nut job who took advantage of the cleaner and got sacked.

It’s not your problem.

I don't understand the Dads meet up. Are these Dads the partners of this group of school mums...or a different set of Dads who are just commuting buddies on the train who may or may not have kids same as as your son OP?

Got to agree with the majority here - you sacking the cleaner now is not likely to make her go back to your friend - she's probably just used the "reducing hours" excuse as an excellent way to bump her off her client list!

I hope your DH manages to make some ground with the dads, but it may not achieve much - IME mums do most of the playdate arranging, not dads.

However, getting your DS to do other activities and meet more children can only be a good thing, and will mean that these other boys and their mums have less of a "hold" over you.

You have done nothing wrong here - hopefully the other women will come to realise that.
It's not like you stole her Dyson, is it - the cleaner is actually an independent person with their own will and mind! she can choose who she wants to keep as a client, and whom to let go - and the one more likely to be let go is the piss-taker.

Do not feel bad and do not stop your cleaner, poor lady. You have done nothing wrong in giving her a samll present and bonus. Cleaner will not keep your friend on regardless. There could be any reason why cleaner wants to drop her. Your house may be more convenient to get to, hours more convenient or maybe friend is filthy and/or untidy. Ignore her.

Out of interest, OP, do any other members of this friendship group use the cleaner?

However she's been telling all our mutual friends that I've "stolen" the cleaner by paying her more

Surely your mutual friends have the brains to realise what she's like? She's making herself look like a twat (and a skinflint too if she didn't include holiday pay for the cleaner in the first place).

Sounds like a right storm in a teacup. Invite some of your DS's friends over on playdates, no need for all this drama. Why do the Dads have to get involved? I don't really understand that bit.

ANYONE who would exclude a child to try to get back at an adult for something like this is a vile human being. Anyone.

ANYONE who would support an adult in an endeavour like this is a vile human being. Anyone.

I hope your group does see this thread. They should be ashamed of themselves for treating a child in this manner. For treating you in this manner. And for happily believing such obvious bullshit and bollocks from your vile ex-friend.

Hopefully the husbands have more sense. but I wouldn't hold my breath I'm afraid.

I would talk to the class teacher of your son, btw, before this gets out of control at school ... give teacher a heads up as to what has gone on.

I want to be friends with the dad who texted "Definitely. Controversial." That really made me laugh!

It sounds like anyone who knows the sacked employer will have a good idea of who is being unreasonable here. And it's not you.

Well done your DH!

On the any olden day's thread there's a poster who said she'd joined MN because she was worried about her young DS's social life. Fast forward many years and her DS's has many friends and a wonderful adult social life. Thought it was a great update.

I second what PP's have said about a social
life outside school, cubs, martial arts, football, chess. Builds up confidence and gives a whole new circle of friends.

Fuck the PTA mums!

this is impacting DS as he's close friends with her son and the children of her friends. He's not being invited to Friday play dates as we all usually have a glass of wine when picking up and apparently, "it'll be uncomfortable."

The other mother is being a bitch if she is excluding your DS because she has some problem with you.

@BUBS101 wished I had learned that lesson sooner :-(

Op, do the other mums know that she used the cleaner for childcare?

If so they will surely know why the cleaner dropped her?

Whilst they might still want to do the friday meets (& it could be for the benefit of their kids rather than her sparkling personality), that doesn't mean that they might be averse to doing something at other times with you/your son.

Thanks to everyone who posted. I'm keeping the cleaner and losing the friend! I've had a positive response to an invite to 1-1 play date from a nice lad whose mum seems sane. That's booked in for next week so I'm going to have to try and work from home...
DH has his drinks thing on Wed. Worryingly one of the other Dads texted just now suggesting "getting a few more people out as well..." DH hasn't responded and I think will ignore it and see what happens. If anything interesting occurs on Wed I'll come back and update.

That's great about the play date with the new friend.
About the DH drinks - I'd see that as including more people, so a good thing.

Yes definitely lose the cleaner. I'd just start hosting children as much as possible at yours so your DS doesn't lose out.

I expect all the other mums really wont care that much about it and it will blow over.

If asked I'd just say you had no idea and you can't sack her as clearly that would be nuts.

Good for you, OP! I don't think you'll regret it.

DONT I mean!

Tbh I would think the others if vaguely reasonable and sane will see the real picture in an instant. They will nod and tut along with nutter to be polite and not want to fall out but bet everyone will know she’s a flake and you have done nothing wrong.

Also there’s not much you can do re kids friendships we had a similar group kids now late primary early secondary with the odd exception most of the kids can’t stand each other or are at best indifferent to the other kids in the group. Adult schmoozing doesn’t get you very far with kids friendships post 6 or 7 ish.

Why is the suggestion to sound out a few more dads worrying? Sounds a good idea to me - extend the social group, get to know more people and be generally more involved.

I'd just tell the friend that the only reason she dropped her is probably because it's on the days the cleaner is needed for childcare, or tell her you've dropped the cleaner and just carry on. Just get the cleaner on board.

Bit late to this thread but agree with everyone else
The cleaner probably doesn't want to work for her as she was taking advantage. She has been gossiping about you and making things up so you're not going to want to be friends with her probably.

It would be unfair to sack the cleaner as she hasn't done anything wrong.

Although people appear to be siding with her, they probably don't want to end their friendships over something that's not their argument, but I bet they are rolling their eyes and thinking she's a twat every time they mention cleanergate

It sounds like you're approaching it in exactly the right way