Issue with school mum and cleaner

[hopefullyhelpfully]

I've been struggling to find a good cleaner for a while now, so a school mum friend (occasional drinks and coffees, children in same friendship group, same team in PTA quiz etc) gave me contact details for her cleaner and said I could see if she had any availability. She did, and she's been cleaning for 4 months now and is amazing! She works the time she's paid for, notices and does little extras, irons and is generally marvellous.
At Christmas she had the week off but I paid her (have always paid holiday pay to cleaners) and have her some chocolate- and a small outfit for daughter's new baby- nothing extravagant.
She recently announced that she'd be reducing her cleaning hours as she's going to be looking after her daughter's baby when her daughter goes back to work. She's given notice to school mum friend and not to me, and friend is furious. Friend called me and said that as she'd recommended the cleaner, and she'd been working for her a lot longer then I needed to tell her that we didn't need her any more! Apparently I must have found out about her planned reduction in hours which is why I paid holiday pay and gave presents etc, and I have essentially been sneaky. Tbh I genuinely didn't know as I'm not often there when she comes and I thought everyone paid extra at Christmas and holidays! It's also worth pointing out that my children are older, we're all out of the house when she cleans, we're generally tidy and I'm not especially demanding, none of which is the case for my friend.
Now I was perfectly prepared to ignore her- lovely cleaner has agency over her own life and this is all a bit mad. However she's been telling all our mutual friends that I've "stolen" the cleaner by paying her more (we pay the same) and that losing her is exacerbating her stress and PND (youngest is 5 and she's never mentioned PND in the 11 years I've known her.) There's a lot of other stuff but it boils down to, "heartless full time working parent bribes critical help and support away from vulnerable friend to facilitate her career." I'm the only working mum out of the group so she's got a lot of time to develop the narrative and I'm not there to counter it.

Now to the AIBU- this is impacting DS as he's close friends with her son and the children of her friends. He's not being invited to Friday play dates as we all usually have a glass of wine when picking up and apparently, "it'll be uncomfortable."
I can't have DS impacted, so I'm planning on doing as she asks, firing cleaner and trying to salvage this. However DH says it's unreasonable and unfair to the cleaner. Who's unreasonable?

Don't fire the cleaner.

The cleaner might have uses the baby to sack your "friend". There is no guarantee that she will reinstate the play dates. You may always be the person who "betrayed" her.

Please don't speak to the cleaner about it or ask her to do this or that. It would be unprofessional of her to discuss her relationships with other clients with you, and you have no right to know anything about what she does when she isn't cleaning for you, or to ask her to do anything not directly related to that.

If you try to drag her into these dramas, the most likely outcome is that she will drop you as a client too.

I can't see talking to the cleaner will get me anywhere- and I rarely see her (about every 4 weeks or so if I work from home.)
DH has read the thread as well and is stepping up (January is the WORST month for me work-wise so it's going to be really hard organising anything.)
He texted a couple of the dads separately (using phone numbers from the quiz team what's app group!) and they're all going to have a quick drink after work on Wednesday. He kept it light "fancy sacking off Dry Jan and having a quick pint etc...?" and both said yes. One of them did respond with "Definitely mate. Controversial" which has now worried DH as he can't figure out if it's drinking in Jan OR having drinks with him which is controversial.
Fingers crossed for Wed.....

I wouldn't fire the cleaner, I don't think you will necessarily be invited back into the fold anyway.

I would invite kids from the friendship group to you for playdates instead (on a different night).

You want your kid to be friends with the dc of someone who's bullying you?

Your dc will be fine, he'll make friends who (hopefully) come with less drama attached.
With both of you being on the 'periphery' of this group, it makes it easier to further distance yourself and meet new people.
If anyone directly asks you about it, just be honest - "the cleaner made her own decision".
Any info/defense you give them will only add fuel to their gossip and give her more to chat shit about

I don't think it's a good idea giving in to, or appeasing, this bully.....and don't sack your cleaner
You could end up with a succession of nightmare ones you read about on MN!

This is the problem with paying people the bare minimum and demanding a lot. You will be the first one to be let go if it comes to it. The friend only has herself to blame. She wanted a save a few pennies and it backfired.

I absolutely WILL NOT fire the cleaner. Don’t believe for a minute you will improve the sour grapes if you do. So don’t put yourself in a lose-lose situation.

Don't fire the cleaner, but fuck it, fight fire with fire if she starts badmouthing you to everyone else

Counter with a rumour that the cleaner had to stop working for her after being disturbed at finding a drawer full of items of a highly personal nature while putting away laundry, and she wasn't even sure if some of them are legal in this country

i bet the cleaner ha wanted to get rid of your friend for ages and now can without looking bad-i doubt she will go back to her even if youre fired her

Cleaner is self employed she can chose whom she clean for,and she’s made preference clear

Re the friendship Maintain a light touch but don’t micromanage childhood friendships. Friendship groups aren’t always static it will experience changes and hopefully this recent good stable experience will have increased your sons confidence. great idea to have 1:1 play dates and maintain contact with the other parents

With the other parents be open about this, yes X and I did share a cleaner, the cleaner circumstances changed and she changed her work pattern

And chances are if you think she’s a handful it’ll be a shared opinion but maybe not openly articulated.

With the other parent don’t get caught up in this,no text,what’s app or email about this topic. Messages always look stark out of context and can be misconstrued

If need be I’d verbally say to her it’s time to let this go now, enough.

And finally the reason the cleaner ceased the job was the appalling treatment of being left in charge of PTA mum kid

I would stand your ground, but also try to keep the lines of communication open with the friend. Is it not the case the cleaner has to mind the daughter on certain days?
Do Not just listen to what other people are telling you she is saying about you. Speak to the friend yourself, that's the only way you'll get this thing to move forward. She's angry and upset, you get that and you hear that, but at the same time you didn't cause this and your son and her son's friendship shouldn't suffer.
Your friend is childish, but someone has to be the grown up if you want to move forward on this. Remind your friend that this cleaner could easily dump you in two weeks time and then all this would be in vain! Neither of you actually know the Cleaner's reasons for this. Cleaner probably is going to dump you but because you gave her the bonus she is going to hang around a week or two.

so you want to continue the friendship with this woman because of your son & loose a good cleaner - what makes you think that things will go back to being ok & stay that way - I would say that anyone who act like this is someone you should avoid & - sorry - I wouldn't want my son going there either.

Don't speak to the cleaner! She has a right to choose her customers. If she perceives you as putting pressure on her she may sack you too!

I think your plan to 'cull out' a couple of the more reasonable parents is a good idea. And remember also that at 8, friendship groups are rather 'fluid' and even a shy child will be part of groups that form and re-form over the school year.

Sack your friend keep the cleaner. In all seriousness i bet the cleaner been wanting to get rid of your friend for ages. If you were stupid and got rid of a very good cleaner i bet she wont take your friend back.

Wow what a CF. Everyone I know gives their cleaner Christmas pay and a gift. If she didn’t then it’s her bad. Keep the cleaner - a brilliant one is hard to find.

Oh that is awkward not sure husband getting involved with other husbands is the best course of action though is it not going to create further drama?

She's clearly a nasty sort who needs a wide berth and those other friends of yours are just as bad if they allow that chopsy gossip to influence their relationship with you and the children

I think your "friend" has mental health problems and do not think she will reinstate playdates ect even if you sack the cleaner. Wrong of her to make both your children suffer for the cleaners choices. As others have said the cleaner would not go back to her anyway and I don't blame her

Also, do not rush to be divisive in relation to arranging other play-dates with other kids. That's just childish tit for tat which excludes her son. Don't stoop to her level by excluding people.

I reckon controversial just means drinking in January on a Wednesday night x

I still don't understand why this woman's friends are falling for the nonsense about pnd getting worse because she can only go for a run when the 5 year old naps. they must be gullible af

come to think of it can't a sahm of school age dc do her own cleaning, just saying.

Agree with PPs - your cleaner would not go back to the friend even if you did sack her and she obviously finds you a better employer.

What you describe doesn't sound any more than basic decent treatment of a cleaner so possibly friend needs to step her game up.

Also agree on organising some playdates for DS with other children or the DC of the more reasonable parents.

Friends can be replaced a good cleaner is a gift from Heaven.

Your response to everyone who asks about it

Well, you can see why the cleaner made that decision!

or
Jesus Christ on a bike.. she's batshit!

Or any version you think your friends and acquaintances will giggle at!

On hearing her complaint most of them will think she is gone with the fairies anyway....

Yabu.

Don't fire the cleaner. And I wouldn't be so involved with mums (and dads) at school to facilitate your ds friendships. It won't work, he needs ti make his own friends his own way. You can't make friends with parents (ime) once they are at comprehensive school. I know you are trying to help him but asking your dh to get the dads onside too, is bonkers.

Some children do suffer from a lack of a big friendship group and it's heartbreaking. But micromanaging his friendship group to that extent isn't helpful. If he can't make good friends at school what about an afterschool activity maybe? Football or scouts or something? And help him with coping strategies and have a word with school if you are worried he is being deliberately excluded.

It's hard I know, but friendship happens organically. Ds is 5, we walk to school with a couple of mums from his class. I am friendly with them in the same way you are, but ds rarely mentions he has played with them at school as he has his own friendship group, as do they.

If you can see a point of view in which a person who employs someone thinks that entitles them to lifelong servitude regardless if that employee can find better working conditions elsewhere and chooses to leave, you’re as bad as OP’s ‘friend’. She’s a professional performing a service who can pick and choose her customers and her hours not a bloody indentured servant. It’s pathetic that grown adults can feel so fucking entitled as to behave like this towards other adults.

And OP, you’d do your son more favors by encouraging him to expand his social circle so he’s not just ‘peripheral’ and always at risk of being excluded because of some perceived offense on your or indeed his own part. They’ve already excluded him once, chances are it’ll happen again, do you really want him around adults who think that’s an ok thing to do to a child? Is that what they’re teaching their own children is what I’d be wondering. If you roll over this time you’ll roll over again and again and teach him by example to do the same.