Issue with school mum and cleaner

[hopefullyhelpfully]

I've been struggling to find a good cleaner for a while now, so a school mum friend (occasional drinks and coffees, children in same friendship group, same team in PTA quiz etc) gave me contact details for her cleaner and said I could see if she had any availability. She did, and she's been cleaning for 4 months now and is amazing! She works the time she's paid for, notices and does little extras, irons and is generally marvellous.
At Christmas she had the week off but I paid her (have always paid holiday pay to cleaners) and have her some chocolate- and a small outfit for daughter's new baby- nothing extravagant.
She recently announced that she'd be reducing her cleaning hours as she's going to be looking after her daughter's baby when her daughter goes back to work. She's given notice to school mum friend and not to me, and friend is furious. Friend called me and said that as she'd recommended the cleaner, and she'd been working for her a lot longer then I needed to tell her that we didn't need her any more! Apparently I must have found out about her planned reduction in hours which is why I paid holiday pay and gave presents etc, and I have essentially been sneaky. Tbh I genuinely didn't know as I'm not often there when she comes and I thought everyone paid extra at Christmas and holidays! It's also worth pointing out that my children are older, we're all out of the house when she cleans, we're generally tidy and I'm not especially demanding, none of which is the case for my friend.
Now I was perfectly prepared to ignore her- lovely cleaner has agency over her own life and this is all a bit mad. However she's been telling all our mutual friends that I've "stolen" the cleaner by paying her more (we pay the same) and that losing her is exacerbating her stress and PND (youngest is 5 and she's never mentioned PND in the 11 years I've known her.) There's a lot of other stuff but it boils down to, "heartless full time working parent bribes critical help and support away from vulnerable friend to facilitate her career." I'm the only working mum out of the group so she's got a lot of time to develop the narrative and I'm not there to counter it.
Now to the AIBU- this is impacting DS as he's close friends with her son and the children of her friends. He's not being invited to Friday play dates as we all usually have a glass of wine when picking up and apparently, "it'll be uncomfortable."
I can't have DS impacted, so I'm planning on doing as she asks, firing cleaner and trying to salvage this. However DH says it's unreasonable and unfair to the cleaner. Who's unreasonable?

[Mix56]

You have told her your side of the story I assume ?
Could you say to her that you will ask the cleaner if she would go to ex friend's house if you cancel. If she says no, then its pointless . Then explain to the cleaner the whole thing.
Or maybe the cleaner would be prepared to call her & say it's her decision?

[Sparklesocks]

Your friend has shown her true colours. Even if you meet her demands (and they are demands) and all is happy and cosy with your group again, what happens next time you or one of your other friend does something she perceives as a slight? She will throw her toys out of the pram again. People are the way they are and it’s revealed when things like this happen, things like this don’t change people into something they weren’t before - this is who she is.

She obviously gets her agency/sense of power in her life by pushing others down to buoy herself up. Please don’t give into it.

[AlaskanOilBaron]

She sounds like a properly dreadful person. You were good and right to give her Christmas pay. Tell her to fuck off.

[hopefullyhelpfully]

Son is 8 and very quiet and shy. He struggles making friends and has really blossomed in this group- having guaranteed people to play with and eat with even if he's more on the fringes than a core group member. All the other mums have been hanging round together since the children were small so I'm very much on the periphery as well.
Ive taken on board comments from everyone saying friendship over and i agree it possibly is but because m desperate to salvage something for DS. Theres no natural other group for him to join....

[Nanny0gg]

Have you told your other friends your side of the story?

Everyone is right. Firing her won’t fix this.

[gamerchick]

Dont do it OP, there will be more than one reason she's been ditched from the sounds of it and you depriving yourself of a good, decent cleaner who lets be honest are tough to find doesn't mean she go back to your friend and your friend will still blame you for it. Your friendship should be damaged now anyway just because she's kicked off.

Instead, stand up for yourself and tell her to pack it the fuck in.

[RedHelenB]

Golden rule you don't give in to bullies. Plan something great for Friday night and invite a friend of ds s that isn't on the clique.

[JoanofSarc]

Good grief!! Do not fire your lovely cleaner, she hasn’t done anything wrong!

Clearly she’s been looking for a kind way to drop your friend with her untidy as well as unclean house and extra unpaid childcare duties and your friend, instead of taking a good long look at herself and realising she needs to shape up and hire some childcare is trying to shift the blame onto you.

The cleaner won’t be going back to her, your son won’t be invited over for play dates even if you roll over and your friend will always be a drama llama.

Have some play dates at your nice tidy house instead!

[IwantedtobeEmmaPeel]

Sack the friend, not the cleaner. If you sack your cleaner I can bet she won't go back to cleaning for your "friend". I bet she is glad of the chance of dropping her because everything you have said here shows the DF is a cheeky fucker, expecting free childminding whilst cleaning a messy home. If your friend valued her cleaner so much why didn't she show that by not using her for free childcare, making her home tidy so it was easier for the cleaner to actually clean, and paying her holiday pay. If you fire your cleaner, your relationship with the DF will not recover and you will be down one friend and one excellent cleaner. I expect the other parents will start to see through the DF and start to include your son again, just give it time. Don't give in to a bully and punish your cleaner by sacking her when she doesn't deserve it. Bullies should not be rewarded.

[MakeItAmazing]

Somebody who makes threats and lies about difficult mental health is not a friend. You don't know me, I'm not a friend, would you sack the cleaner because I told you too? I hope the answer is no and there's your answer.

[OhLookHeKickedTheBall]

Has the cleaner actually told you she's dropping hours? Your so called friend may be making a mountain out of a molehill and you may be shortly finding out for yourself that you will be dropped too soon.

That said, I'd be inclined to tell the group that she's cutting down with you too regardless of whether its true, just to shut the so called friend up.

[Magenta46]

The cleaner is self employed. She can pick and choose who she works for.
I think the cleaner was being very diplomatic when she told your friend she was reducing her working hours; she need an excuse to leave.

[theoryBuilding]

Out of interest, how will you build a group of friends for your son? He's the one that will suffer if you end up feeling like you've won this battle.

Before it's suggested, seeing his Mum win some kind of 'moral victory' won't matter.

[Tweety1981]

Similar issues where I live except people just not willing to share cleaners or recommend their own... when I moved here I found it truly mind boggling ...

[Dairymilkmuncher]

That woman isn't your friend if she can drop you over something so silly, turn everything back on her. She's being ridiculous and bullying and harming your mental health and could she just calm down and be supportive....typical to pick on the working mum bla bla bla

And your son will find new friends without your help eventually and they'll be real friends. Kids that he can meet through a shared interest are far more important, does he go to cubs or football? Keeping up with these people for your sons sake isn't doing him any favours, he's not gaining the people skills he needs to make friends if you do it for him.

[MsMamaNature]

Your cleaner has chosen to stay with you as you are a low maintenance job, ie she comes in, cleans and goes home/to her next job (which is the way it should be). You also treat her fairly, eg the Christmas present. Now that the cleaner is looking to reduce her work hours due to looking after her grandchild it is little wonder that she dropped the high maintenance client and kept you. Your "friend" sounds deranged and I think this situation with the grandchild was probably a tactful way for your cleaner to remove your friend from her client list. There is no way your cleaner will go back to your friend - she probably sees this as her lucky escape and you will have lost a great cleaner and your friend will still be hacked off that she has no cleaner. Your son will still suffer. Invite other kids round to your house on Fridays and host your own play dates - at least the kids can play in a clean house!

[Poloshot]

Her issues are her problem. You want/ need a cleaner and you currently have a great one so don't change it.

[Gribbie]

theoryBuilding - are you the other mum?

[BumbleBeee69]

She doesn’ OWN the Cleaner, amd maybe if she’d treated her with a bit more respect she’d still have a Cleaner.

[ILoveChristmasLights]

DS will be fine. The others will see through her it you’ll find another set of friends for DS (sport or club).

You CANNOT let this stupid woman dictate to you like this, nor your cleaner. Even if you did give your cleaner notice, what makes you think she’d use that slot fir your (ex) friend? She’s probably got several others she’d rather clean fur than be used by your friend as a babysitter while cleaning her less tidy house!

[RhiWrites]

The cleaner is a human being with a job, not a robot or a servant. She decides where she wants to work.

I see a couple of options.

First is speak to the cleaner and say “Friend is quite upset that you’re not working for her any more. I wonder if you could possibly squeeze her back into your schedule?”
The cleaner will either say “I’ll see what I can do” or say “no, that doesn’t work for me”. She might expand on why she doesn’t want to clean for friend and if she does try not to turn it into a bitching session. Say something neutral and understanding and disengage.

This will help with option 2 which is to talk to a mutual friend in the group and say “I wonder if you could give me advice. Friend thinks I’ve stolen her cleaner, but I honestly don’t think I’ve done that. I’m paying cleaner the same amount as friend and I’ve asked if she’d consider working for friend again but she says no, is there anything more I can do?”
With any luck the mutual friend will agree you’re being reasonable and plead your case with the others. Or if she has a go at you, you know she’s as unreasonable as friend.

Treat people like humans with their own motivations and opinions and try to engage with it on that level. Keep calm and reiterate the message that you don’t control cleaners actions and are paying her the same as friend, aside from an Xmas bonus.

[missperegrinespeculiar]

They all sound unpleasant, excluding a child because of petty squabble between parents is really mean, are the kids excluding him, too, now? if not, I would invite kids to separate playdates, if they don't come this is proof they are a toxic group and I would stay out of it, not what you want for your child anyway!

[hopefullyhelpfully]

theoryBuilding- that's exactly it. He won't understand about the adult dynamics here. He'll just be on his own again and I can't countenance that. I'm going to try to pick off the parents of a couple of the other boys who seem most reasonable and who also aren't in the core group of three and suggest 1-1 play dates.
DH also thinking of suggesting beers for Dads after work- they all commute in so could meet at a local pub. This'll be hard for him though- he's not a natural socially so it'll be very out of his comfort zone...

[TeddybearBaby]

Son is 8 and very quiet and shy. He struggles making friends and has really blossomed in this group- having guaranteed people to play with and eat with even if he's more on the fringes than a core group member. All the other mums have been hanging round together since the children were small so I'm very much on the periphery as well.
Ive taken on board comments from everyone saying friendship over and i agree it possibly is but because m desperate to salvage something for DS. Theres no natural other group for him to join....

I wondered if it was something like this. My son is 12 and very sensitive. Still cries sometimes which worries the life out of me especially now he is in secondary school. But he has made some lovely friends and is happy, I wouldn’t want to jeopardise that so I know how you feel. Is your son aware of what is going on? Tbh I don’t know what the answer is but I just know that I would consider getting rid of the cleaner too (not saying you should, just that it wouldn’t be an easy decision) just because my son would be so upset.

This woman sounds nasty and a bully and I can’t believe other mums would go along with excluding you / your son.

[justonemoreminutepls]

I can understand why 'friend' would be annoyed, she feels like she has done you a favour and now she has been inconvenienced whilst you have not - to her it is not fair. But her issue should be with cleaner not you.
She is her longer running customer, so would have liked to have been priority but at the end of the day, cleaner chooses what works for her and it just so happens that she prefers you. This is not your fault.
Whilst I can understand your friends annoyance, she is behaving completely unreasonably and very immaturely. Going round and talking about it, twisting it all and making you out to be the 'baddie'. It's pathetic, and if the other mums have a brain between them, they'll soon see her for what she is.
You're going to have a to take a little hit for now on the Friday play dates. It's a pain, but people always get bored of these kinds of people. They'll realise her game, and you and son will be back in group. Seen it happen so often. Just be patient.
And in the meantime, arrange your own playdates at weekends or whenever you can, even include her son, to show you are the bigger person. x