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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu thinking my parents should pay

430 replies

PigsInSlankets · 06/01/2019 22:59

For themselves on my birthday? I don't expect them to fork out on my dinner or my dh/dc. But its a 'milestone' birthday and I don't think it's fair to expect me to pay for themselves and their families.

Attending are myself, DD, DH.
My DMis bringing 2 DBros and DGM
My DF is bringing DSM, 2DBros and 1DSis.

They suggested going for dinner to celebrate, and now they've both said they're unwilling to pay. It's been booked for months and they've told me they don't want to pay when it's only 2 weeks away.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 07/01/2019 07:53

I really suggest you cancel the who,e thing and just invite people round for tea and cake and maybe a glass of Prosecco. Then have a separate meal out with your DH & DD. No need to give explanations just say ‘plans have changed’.

All families do these things differently, in our family the
‘Birthday person’ would pay, we’ve just had a big restaurant meal out for my DF’s birthday and he paid and would have been offended if anyone even offered to pay Grin. Last year was a big birthday meal for me and DH & I paid, but we can all afford to do this.

I always think these big shared occasions can go wrong with an unseemly arguing over the bill at the end of the meal, so far better to do something simple at home if you can.

N2986 · 07/01/2019 07:53

Cancel! Im another commoner who doesn't get this 'invite and pay' concept. Surely you all split the bill and the birthday girl/boy gets theirs paid for?

MissingGeorgeMichael · 07/01/2019 07:56

They suggested to go out for a meal as they wanted you to pay!

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 07/01/2019 07:57

With friends usually we pay for ourselves and a bit extra to cover the birthday person

With family I’d have to wrestle my parents to even get a look at the bill. There’s no way they’d let me pay. I find threads like these such eyeopeners.

Op - have a lovely birthday with your family. I wouldn’t send the text blaming them. Especially as I guess you want your money back from your mum. Maybe use cancelling as a prompt to get your money? ‘Would love to go out but I need the money you owe me from x ago’.

RandomObject · 07/01/2019 08:05

Adults going out for a meal and not paying for their own food is so bloody weird. It's 2019.

Chewbecca · 07/01/2019 08:09

Another going a little against the grain here, we have generally paid the bill for big family birthday dinners. DH paid for mine with my family and I paid for his with his.

When you say about who they invited, I would have invited DGM and DUncle, Dnephew anyway so I wouldn't have classified them as their guests.

Anyway, if you don't want to celebrate with these family members and can't (or don't want to) afford it and your parents won't pay, you have no option other than to cancel.

I would invite them all for tea or bubbles and cake at home at the same time instead and go for dinner with DH another time.

anniehm · 07/01/2019 08:12

We would always pay, but we would sort out the guest list too - for df's recent birthday dm paid and we bought the fizz but we aren't short of money. With friends we split the bill, but again none of us need to watch the pennies.

Chickychoccyegg · 07/01/2019 08:12

can't believe they expect you to cover everyone's meal...on your birthday, 3here they could be treating you! So so chèky of them!
either cancel and book just for you and dh or send out a message to everyone going double checking everyone is still going and to say bill will be split between x 9 so everyone pays/ everyone covers the cost of their own.

ChakiraChakra · 07/01/2019 08:14

If you don’t intend to pay, you don’t invite someone. Inviting suggests hosting. Hosting means paying (among other things).

Confused Crikey! We must run in different circles! I'd never assume somebody else was paying for my meal if they invited me to a restaurant for their birthday. I mean unless they said specifically "it's my treat!"

In the circles I move in, there is either a mild and brief fight as to who gets to pay for everybody because more than one person wants to, or we all pay for our own plus tip.

OP I would cancel the booking, do whatever suits you and your immediate family as regards a birthday treat, and tell the extended family that they are to come to your house at the agreed time/date (maybe slightly earlier or later) for coffee and a slice of cake instead. That way they get their precious freebie and you don't have to break the bank for a load of CFs

EvaHarknessRose · 07/01/2019 08:14

Just go with your nearest and dearest. Having had the experience of agreeing to go halves on a dinner for 11 recently where the bill came to £360, watching people order extra beers, expensive desserts and cheeseboards when they are not paying can definitely sting! If it was my birthday I would be actually upset. Actually I think your Mum ha done you a favour, she was obviously checking the arrangements. Now you can say ‘I’m so glad you asked about who was paying, Mum, I am planning on spoiling myself a little for my birthday but I was hoping other people would be buying me presents, not costing me money!’

FamilyOfAliens · 07/01/2019 08:17

OP remind your DM that "assume" makes an ASS out of U and ME

Please don’t take this advice unless you want to come across as an utter knob.

ThanosSavedMe · 07/01/2019 08:22

Well by pp reckoning I’m owed and owe loads of money. I’ve been invited to restaurants to celebrate friends birthday and friends have been to restaurants with me to celebrate my birthday and we’ve all paid for our own meals.

At least you know now in plenty of time op and you can cancel the booking. Definitely tell them as it’s not fair on the restaurant staff to have several people turn up for a booking that’s been cancelled

Handprints2018 · 07/01/2019 08:35

Cheeky fucks, they tried to really stitch you up. Thankfully it came out now. Cancel and send a message saying you are under the impression that people expect you to pay, you cannot afford that and when you were invited you believed the bill would be split. As a result, you have cancelled and will be going out with your family.

It sounds like they have form for this with him being tight and her already owing you money. I suggest you write the money off (unless you need it or its a lot) and be wary in future, sadly

Looneytune253 · 07/01/2019 08:42

Sometimes we would treat the birthday person and their partner but would never expect it of anyone. My sis did that once when we had young children. Suggested we went half’s on our parents meal and it had been so carefully budgeted for us. Never forgotten it. It was awful!

trulybadlydeeply · 07/01/2019 08:43

I would always expect to pay for myself in these circumstances. It's very different to you hosting a party, either at your home or a venue, where you would be providing food and drink (although I would still ask if you would like me to bring something).

Just go and enjoy a lovely meal or outing with your DH and DD. If you want to see family, invite them round for tea and cake.

Have a lovely birthday.

Looneytune253 · 07/01/2019 08:44

I meant at the last minute when we were getting ready to pay, not in advance

AlwaysInMotion · 07/01/2019 08:51

Hope you cancel it OP and have a lovely birthday with your DH and DD.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/01/2019 08:51

Cancel. Go somewhere with your OH and DD and dont invite anyone else! Sorry, but your parents sound tight and unpleasant! So they suggested a meal, and then they decided they didnt want to pay....words (almost) fail me!!

ResistanceIsNecessary · 07/01/2019 08:53

In OP's update she's mentioned that it was actually her Dad's idea that they all go for a meal to celebrate her birthday. On that basis she's not hosting at all, so if we apply the MN logic that the host should foot the bill then surely her Dad should be paying for everyone?

OP I would cancel the meal, send a short text explaining that you've done so because you're now aware that there's an expectation from your Mum and Dad that you'll pay for everyone, despite the fact that this was not your idea and you can't afford it.

Perhaps also send a separate text to your Mum reminding her of the money she owes you and asking for a firm commitment as to when it will be repaid?

Iloveacurry · 07/01/2019 08:55

Cancel the meal and just go out with your DH and DCs.

Myglassesareknackered · 07/01/2019 08:57

So they suggested the dinner and now expect you to pay? How bloody rude and upsetting.
Cancel the dinner and arrange something else.
That said, in my family we split the bill for meals. But at my 40th birthday, my FIL announced to the whole table that I would be paying for everyone and then left with MIL! DH was spitting and hugely apologetic, but fortunately my family thought it was a joke (it wasn’t).
Unless these things are clearly agreed up front - ie, ‘it’s on me’ why would people ever presume someone else is paying for them.

Ispini · 07/01/2019 08:59

Cheeky feckers! Absolutely do not pay.
Happy birthday.

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 08:59

But at my 40th birthday, my FIL announced to the whole table that I would be paying for everyone and then left with MIL!

WTF-there must be a huge backstory here?!

SunLover53 · 07/01/2019 08:59

Cancel meal and go out with your immediate family. Why on earth would they assume you'd pay for all of them? Absolutely ridiculous!! To be honest my parents always pay for my birthday meals for me, husband and son. I always try to pay for our share but they never let me as they say it's my birthday, which to be honest makes a lot more sense to me than expecting you to pay for their pleasure of their company????

londonrach · 07/01/2019 09:00

Cancel and go with dh and friends. Is this normal for them.