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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu thinking my parents should pay

430 replies

PigsInSlankets · 06/01/2019 22:59

For themselves on my birthday? I don't expect them to fork out on my dinner or my dh/dc. But its a 'milestone' birthday and I don't think it's fair to expect me to pay for themselves and their families.

Attending are myself, DD, DH.
My DMis bringing 2 DBros and DGM
My DF is bringing DSM, 2DBros and 1DSis.

They suggested going for dinner to celebrate, and now they've both said they're unwilling to pay. It's been booked for months and they've told me they don't want to pay when it's only 2 weeks away.

OP posts:
Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 06/01/2019 23:49

Well, I don’t think you should host your own birthday party because that is just like asking for presents but a significant other (or parent) can host.

Winterberriesonatree · 06/01/2019 23:49

Most decent parents are aware of how tight the finances of people with young children can be.

Why not tell them the venue has changed. Ask them to come to your home instead and provide an inexpensive buffet style meal with wine and beer, soft drinks. The next year do not invite them if they expect a freebie.

Celebelly · 06/01/2019 23:55

Re: the invite, pay thing, I think it all just depends on how it's said.

  • I'd like to treat you all to dinner to celebrate my birthday (Asker is paying) *Would anyone like to go out for a meal for my birthday? (Wouldn't assume that asker was paying)

In the many birthday meals I have attended, no one has ever worded it like number one and I have always (happily) paid my way.

Winterberriesonatree · 06/01/2019 23:57

My in laws were a bit like this when we were young. They emptied DHs pockets every time he went home on leave from the army, expecting to be treated to meals and nights out at the pub.

I simply invited them to our home, if they wanted to come and freeload. It soon petered out when they had to organise taxis etc., put themselves out.

Gth1234 · 07/01/2019 00:05

@OP. did you have any part in arranging who was coming, etc.
Maybe it's just a misunderstanding.

I would cancel in a diplomatic way. (Or not, if diplomacy doesn't get very far)

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/01/2019 00:17

We have lots of family meals out to celebrate various things. We all expect to pay for ourselves. There can be any number from 6 to 22 and growing all the time depending on how many can make it. If I am invited anywhere that isnt a house I would assume I was paying for myself unless it was a wedding breakfast

OffToBedhampton · 07/01/2019 00:17

Wow, OP, that's a bit shoddy of your parents. Especially if you can't afford it.

I pay sometimes for my parents and they for me, when we go out for birthday meals, not by any rule other than depending on who is feeling flush at the time, or we pay for ourselves.

Most people can't afford to pay for 9+ people to have a meal out even if they are family (doesn't matter who invites), if there are other adults /families going.

I'd go with earlier PP who suggested you reduce booking by their 2 places, saying " thankyou for letting me know, we'll cancel your places and invite you over for birthday cake and coffee to celebrate another time " Two people meals + drinks is another £30-50 with exception of McDonalds!

*Unless it's cos they can't afford it due up having small pensions but really want to be there (then I'd ask rest of family first, before canceling places, if they can share costs to pay for Mum and dad's meal)

Monny1 · 07/01/2019 00:21

Cancel it and rearrange a meal for and Oh.

OffToBedhampton · 07/01/2019 00:23

Wait.... For your birthday , that they invited people to, your family of 3 are going. But they've invited another 9 people (mostly their older generation) and are at last mnute saying they expect you to pay for all 12 people's meals??!!! Like £200-300+ worth ?! Happy birthday to you.... 😶🙄

CF

Jeez. Cancel it. Go out for a meal with your little family of 3 and friends to celebrate. Friends who will clearly pay for their own meals.

There has to be a back.story to this!

Original poster
PigsInSlankets · 07/01/2019 00:53

For a bit of background.

I was speaking to my mum about dinner earlier. She was complaining how she's not got a lot of money at the moment can afford a new pet, yet can't afford dinner?
Her words were "well we all assume you're paying". I said I couldnt afford to pay 12 people's meals and drinks, and it wasn't even my idea. I spoke to my df and he also said he assumes were paying and when I said I couldn't afford it they both told me they weren't paying for it. Its my meal.

Df has always been quite tight with money but is very well off. I thought he would be paying atleast for his wife and children as it was his idea to begin with. Dm will probably try and make excuses about how she's got no money (when she very much does) , and how she'll pay me back (and never will). still waiting for a significant amount back from her from months ago

Extremely agitated. I think might do what you all suggested and spend it with just DH and DD. A lot less hassle

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 00:54

Why would you not cancel?!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/01/2019 01:01

Why would they assume you are paying?

Alpacanorange · 07/01/2019 01:09

I think you are all rude to assume that someone will pay. At invite state, set the record straight, pay as you eat.
In this case I would simply ensure I had been sick on the morning of the anticipated meal. Oh what s shame, you can’t make it now.

Alpacanorange · 07/01/2019 01:10

I mean to assume someone “ else “ will pay.

OffToBedhampton · 07/01/2019 01:13

OMG @PigsinSlankets. That's outrageous of your parents though 😮

I'm glad you are cancelling meal! Let them (grabby parents) explain to the people THEY invited for a free meal and as they hadn't even asked you.

Every normal.person would have assumed those adults would have paid for themselves! It's beyond CF.

Do a buffet at your house next time if your parents ever suggest a meal, and say, 'i can't afford your suggestions" as, frankly £30 will do some lovely quiches and nibbles with some fruit juices for lunch.

That was nearly a very expensive treat from you to people you had no idea you were being committed to treat! Sheesh.

muckandbrass · 07/01/2019 01:19

I think if you were rich and they were poor, it might be understandable. But seeing as they're well off but stingy, and you can't afford a restaurant bill for 12 people, its a bit strange ....

Restaurants can be very expensive. I'd just do it/go with your immediate family, or have something fab at home and do something else on your birthday. But I wouldn't make a drama out of it, I'd just say "change of plans" we're going to Majorca for a week or something (it would probably cost the same as a restaurant for 12).

EdtheBear · 07/01/2019 01:20

Cancel.

Hello Aunties, Uncles and GPs
Very sorry but I am cancelling my birthday do.
When my parents suggested all going out I thought, they were footing the bill. However it's transpires that they expect me to pay for everyone really sorry but we don't have that sort of spare cash.
Sorry to disappoint everybody.

If they then come back and say don't cancel we'll all chip in then fine. If they don't then cancel asap.

muckandbrass · 07/01/2019 01:22

p.s. don't lend her money again. and keep up the pressure for getting it back. cheeky cow!

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 07/01/2019 01:23

Oh my goodness, such CFery! in our families the rest of us would pay for the birthday person. Def cancel the CF family members and celebrate with your DH and DD.

katekat383 · 07/01/2019 01:24

Cancel. How rude and cheeky.

muckandbrass · 07/01/2019 01:29

hmm.... second thoughts if it was a big birthday, some families might assume host might pay .... it does differ in different families. I think different families have different traditions. Still, if you can't afford to pay for 12, best not to go ahead, and cancel with neutral reason. It would probably be reaaaaalllllyyyy expensive!

abacucat · 07/01/2019 01:41

Is there more to this than you are saying OP? I am only asking as I am wondering why they have said this?

Monty27 · 07/01/2019 01:53

Cancel it. You could probably have a short break with your own little family for that cost.
It's not going to be some sort of surprise they have in store is it? I really can't believe how selfish and greedy some people can be.
Tell them to bugger off you'll have a better time without them Angry

Groovee · 07/01/2019 01:54

I would cancel but not tell them and go elsewhere and have them on do not disturb when they try to find out A. Why there is no booking and B where the hell you are.

Bungleinthejungle · 07/01/2019 02:24

OP I would be honest about this. It's outrageous. It's important to show them you've got new boundaries now and they can't take advantage of you.

I think OP would know if it's traditional in her family to pay when you invite people out for dinner. In my circle, I would never consider an invitation to dinner to mean they were treating me, unless they made this very clear. But in this case it wasn't even OP's suggestion to go out!