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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu thinking my parents should pay

430 replies

PigsInSlankets · 06/01/2019 22:59

For themselves on my birthday? I don't expect them to fork out on my dinner or my dh/dc. But its a 'milestone' birthday and I don't think it's fair to expect me to pay for themselves and their families.

Attending are myself, DD, DH.
My DMis bringing 2 DBros and DGM
My DF is bringing DSM, 2DBros and 1DSis.

They suggested going for dinner to celebrate, and now they've both said they're unwilling to pay. It's been booked for months and they've told me they don't want to pay when it's only 2 weeks away.

OP posts:
Lavende · 06/01/2019 23:18

Once again, I am astounded that people like this exist. WTF is wrong with them?? Cancel and have a lovely meal with your DH and DD.

elvis86 · 06/01/2019 23:18

"If you invite, you pay.
If you don't invite, you don't."

Do people really operate by this rule? If the OP or her husband had been the one to suggest that the family might go for a meal for her big birthday, would it have been reasonable for the entire family to assume they were paying?

If someone suggests going for dinner, I don't automatically assume they're paying for everyone.

Seth · 06/01/2019 23:20

Is there any chance they have had some bad financial news since the restaurant booking was made? It does sound odd.

TigerTooth · 06/01/2019 23:22

Is it just your parents who won't pay or the whole lot?
Cancel all the non-payers.

Bluelady · 06/01/2019 23:22

I agree, they should be paying for you.

TigerTooth · 06/01/2019 23:23

If I invite then I pay. But op didn't invite!

elvis86 · 06/01/2019 23:25

I can't believe that rather than "Sorry we can't actually afford it any more", both of your parents independently said they intended to come but that they expected you to pay?!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/01/2019 23:25

In our family the birthday person never has to pay for anything or anyone when we go out for a meal.

Are they always this mean and awkward?

Holidayshopping · 06/01/2019 23:26

2 weeks to go is ages-plenty of time to make changes.

Lweji · 06/01/2019 23:26

"If you invite, you pay. If you don't invite, you don't."

Do people really operate by this rule?

Yes.

Which is different to suggesting going out for dinner on non celebratory occasions, just to see friends.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/01/2019 23:28

Elvis.
I think it depends how it's said
'I'd like to invite you all out for dinner for my birthday' implication is you'll pay. After all , if you hosted a birthday party, you'd pay.
'Who fancies going out for my birthday' implication is everyone pays for themselves.

Jamiefraserskilt · 06/01/2019 23:28

I thought the norm was everyone pays for themselves and splits your meal between them?
"I am, sadly, having to cancel our birthday dinner booking. When you suggested dinner, i assumed everyone would be covering their own costs. Had I realised I was expected to cover the cost of everyone's meals and drinks on my xxxth birthday, I would not have made the booking.
Such a shame as I was looking forward to seeing you all and celebrating my special day with the people I love most."
Perhaps we can meet for drinks instead?"

HJWT · 06/01/2019 23:30

Woooow that is awful OP!! Looks like a lovely meal out for you DH and DD then 🥰

LellyMcKelly · 06/01/2019 23:30

If I’d said, “It’s my special birthday and I’d like to invite you all out to dinner to celebrate”, then I’d expect to pay. If someone else said, Hey, it’s PigsInSlankets’ birthday, shall we all go out for a meal to celebrate”, then I’d expect everyone to pay their fair share.

Holidayshopping · 06/01/2019 23:31

Surely if this is your parents-you know them quite well.

Do they have a history of suggesting something and not paying?
Do they have a history of letting you down?

If so-you probably shouldn’t be surprised.

If not and they are really lovely people who wouldn’t normally suggest something like this, shouldn’t you be able to talk to them about it?

They are not some CF friends who you’ve just met-they are your parents. What’s the history here?

Killerqueen2244 · 06/01/2019 23:32

Even if they begrudgingly accept they’ll pay I expect they’ll probably end up not paying their share of the service charge or order the most expensive food/drink and insist on the bill being split evenly. Not worth the stress! Cancel their places!!!

UhUhUhDennis · 06/01/2019 23:32

Wow no way would you invite immediate family moreover your PARENTS to a milestone birthday and they expect you to pay!!! That's ridiculous. They must be terrible parents honestly I have to fight both my parents and in laws to pay for stuff when we go out regardless of the occasion and who invited who, and they're not even well off. They're just normal caring parents and as normal caring children when it's their milestone birthdays or whatever we insist we treat them. So odd! How did it even come up OP?!

BumbleBeee69 · 06/01/2019 23:32

Cancel the meal, your Parents are selfish tight twats.

Enjoy your birthday with those who actually cherish you.

BackforGood · 06/01/2019 23:38

Unusual for AIBU? responses to be all agreeing Smile

I would say that sometimes there are families who historically do things differently from me, so, if, on any of their big birthdays there has been a history of them always treating everyone else in the family, then the answer would be different. It's a bit like having a free bar at a wedding. I've never, ever come across that, but, if the last 40 wedding you went to in your family and friends circle all did that, then it would seem appropriate that you did too.

So my Answer is YANBU unless there's a history you've not yet revealed.

mummmy2017 · 06/01/2019 23:38

Just cancel it.
Tell them you can't afford it and you think it is better to cancel so no one gets upset...
Do not go ahead, as you still stand the chance of them just not paying.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 06/01/2019 23:40

Yes, people do operate on the ‘if you invite, you pay’ rule.

Are there really people that don’t do this?

If you don’t intend to pay, you don’t invite someone. Inviting suggests hosting. Hosting means paying (among other things).

The alternative is agreeing to a joint, unhosted activity. Which is apparently what the OP thought this was. And that is fine, as long as everyone is on the same page. And good that they are on the same page before the bill arrives to give everyone a nasty shock!

CheshireGirl38 · 06/01/2019 23:40

Are you particularly well off compared to them? It's weird that they expect to freeload off you on your own birthday! You could cancel the restaurant, invite them round to yours and then produce the world's worst buffet

Yulebealrite · 06/01/2019 23:41

So you have to pay for 12 meals. They're expecting you to fork out hundreds to celebrate your birthday in the way they want to. Hmm just no.

Saltandsauce · 06/01/2019 23:44

I can honestly say that I’ve been invited for many meals in my life, and have never once took that to mean that someone else will pay for my dinner! I can’t believe this is a thing!
How bloody rude of your parents, I’m shocked!!
Definitely cancel their space and send a group text out telling everyone they’re paying for themselves as it’s your birthday!! Cheeky feckers!!!

Saltandsauce · 06/01/2019 23:46

But surely you’re not hosting if you’re all just meeting in a restaurant to celebrate someone’s birthday?? You’re hosting if you’re in your own home, aren’t you?? You can’t host if you’re being waited on in a restaurant??
God am I so working class that I just don’t get it??

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