Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu thinking my parents should pay

430 replies

PigsInSlankets · 06/01/2019 22:59

For themselves on my birthday? I don't expect them to fork out on my dinner or my dh/dc. But its a 'milestone' birthday and I don't think it's fair to expect me to pay for themselves and their families.

Attending are myself, DD, DH.
My DMis bringing 2 DBros and DGM
My DF is bringing DSM, 2DBros and 1DSis.

They suggested going for dinner to celebrate, and now they've both said they're unwilling to pay. It's been booked for months and they've told me they don't want to pay when it's only 2 weeks away.

OP posts:
londonrach · 07/01/2019 09:01

Dh and children i meant. Friends can pay if they come

SunLover53 · 07/01/2019 09:01

Yes Myglassesareknackered, must be a backstory to this. Absolutely ridiculous but it has made me chuckle!

Original poster
PigsInSlankets · 07/01/2019 09:02

Dm and Df aren't together (get on just fine though). I've currently left the conversation open ended while I try to either A. Get them to understand I don't have money falling out my arse, or B. Make plans with my partner and dd.

I suppose I should be grateful that DM suggested the restaurant we are supposed to be going to, instead of the the one DF was talking about when he suggested dinner (probably tripling the bill if we'd gone there)

OP posts:
elvis86 · 07/01/2019 09:04

Glad it's not just me! We'd expect to pay for ourselves and generally expect everyone to chip in for the birthday boy / girl.

If you're invited to dinner for someone's birthday and you can't afford it, you um... just don't go? I certainly wouldn't show up and order loads of food on the assumption that they were paying.

And tbh, if your budget literally can't stretch to an unexpected suggestion that the birthday boy / girl's share is split on the night, I don't really think you should be going to the restaurant? Genuinely - if you're that hard-up then you can't really afford it.

Myglassesareknackered · 07/01/2019 09:10

WTF-there must be a huge backstory here?!
Not really! My in laws are generally lovely, but they don’t eat out very often, and in the past have usually paid for everyone themselves, despite us offering to pay for ourselves. It was really odd and a bit out of character. It’s not happened since!

frazzledasarock · 07/01/2019 09:14

@myglassesareknackered you actually went out to dinner with your IL’s again after that?
I’d steadfastly refuse following such weird grabby behaviour!

Lweji · 07/01/2019 09:16

If you're invited to dinner for someone's birthday and you can't afford it, you um... just don't go?

So you just end up with affluent friends on your birthday? Hmm

I know it's the done thing in general but there's a flaw in the concept.

It's different if you don't have much money and give your friends a choice of venue and menu.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 07/01/2019 09:18

Happy birthday, here have a large bill for the meal I just ate! Cheers!
I just don’t understand it, surely you treat people on their birthdays, not take advantage?
All well and good if you have plenty of money and don’t mind paying for people to come to your birthday meal but even then I’d think it was nicer if they chipped in and paid for you.
Surely the cost of one meal divided among several people makes more sense than one (birthday) person paying for several meals?

mummyhaschangedhername · 07/01/2019 09:20

Don't go with them, just say sorry we can't afford to pay for everyone so we will just go out ourselves instead.

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 09:21

I've currently left the conversation open ended

Do they still all think you are paying then?

onalongsabbatical · 07/01/2019 09:21

PigsInSlankets don't really understand why you're hesitating with the cancelling. Why argue with them? Just cancel and book something with DH and DD. You don't need to consult anyone on this, surely, not for your own birthday? Are you usually so indecisive?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 07/01/2019 09:23

Wow..just wow! Blimey OP you really lucked out on parents bless you...Disgusting attitude from them regardless of finances.I am really sorry.You must feel awfully let down,Just cancel do it now and rejig your plans with your DH.No need for a great drama just say you have changed your mind and want to do something different on your birthday and leave it at that.

HeyArthur · 07/01/2019 09:27

I would cancel the meal but not tell them and let them turn up and enjoy that little bit of embarrassment.
I would book elsewhere for just my dh & dc.

Tbh though my family would never do this and we always split the cost of the birthday boy/girls meal between us.

PeaQiwiComHequo · 07/01/2019 09:27

of course you should cancel. you simply can't afford it and apparently neither can they, and there is no magic money tree.

if it had been your idea and you invited them then it might have been reasonable to pay for them. but not in these circs.

cancel the booking, invite as many of your family as live close enough to come around for a cup of tea and slice of cake. keep your celebrations limited to what you can afford.

PeaQiwiComHequo · 07/01/2019 09:29

(but in answer to the Q of the thread title no you can't make your parents pay either. that would be unreasonable.)

Mix56 · 07/01/2019 09:34

haven't read the whole thread. I would send messages or call:
"Dear All, would love to see you for meal as planned, however, clearly I am not footing the bill, as I don't have the money. so its each pay for their own meal, or cancel.
Sorry for any misunderstanding"

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 09:41

PigsInSlankets don't really understand why you're hesitating with the cancelling. Why argue with them? Just cancel and book something with DH and DD. You don't need to consult anyone on this, surely, not for your own birthday? Are you usually so indecisive?

If you’re not careful, you’ll leave it too late to cancel and the restaurant might charge you. Just cancel today-apologise to the restaurant and tell your family there’s been a change of plans. Your partners will know exactly why (and hopefully feel ashamed) and you can give the details if anyone asks.

flowery · 07/01/2019 09:42

So you thought you were paying for you and your DD and DH and you thought your parents would pay for themselves. Who did you think was paying for the other guests?

trojanpony · 07/01/2019 09:45

What shits there are.

Agree with others do something with DP ans DD. I would cancel the restaurant pronto.
If it’s a fancy restaurant there can be cancellation charges

Drum2018 · 07/01/2019 09:47

How long are you going to wait to make a decision though. It's only manners to give the restaurant plenty of notice seeing as it's a big enough group they are expecting. I wouldn't engage in further discussion with your parents and would just cancel the restaurant today. Once that's done send a text saying it's cancelled as you are not in a position to fund it. And leave it at that. Don't get into any discussions about it and even if they say they will pay after its cancelled just tell them it's too late as you have made plans with your Dh instead.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 07/01/2019 09:47

Just cancel and tell them why. Arrange a nice small thing with your DH and DD. After all of this, you'll probably enjoy it more.

blackteasplease · 07/01/2019 09:49

Yanbu.

I would just cancel it as, with their attitude, I wouldn't trust them not to turn up on the day having promised to pay but at the last minute leave you to it.

ShesABelter · 07/01/2019 09:50

I'd honestly say I wasn't aware you were expecting me to pay for everyone. However taking that into consideration and the cost that would be for everyone I have decided to use that money instead to go away for the night with dh and dd. I will cancel the restaurant.

NancyJoan · 07/01/2019 09:52

Oh, just cancel. Do it today, so it's done with, and tell them you've made alternative plans.

drspouse · 07/01/2019 09:55

Whoever sets up the event should pay.
I.e. Them.