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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu thinking my parents should pay

430 replies

PigsInSlankets · 06/01/2019 22:59

For themselves on my birthday? I don't expect them to fork out on my dinner or my dh/dc. But its a 'milestone' birthday and I don't think it's fair to expect me to pay for themselves and their families.

Attending are myself, DD, DH.
My DMis bringing 2 DBros and DGM
My DF is bringing DSM, 2DBros and 1DSis.

They suggested going for dinner to celebrate, and now they've both said they're unwilling to pay. It's been booked for months and they've told me they don't want to pay when it's only 2 weeks away.

OP posts:
Bungleinthejungle · 07/01/2019 02:25

Sorry, I mean honest that you have no intention of paying for everyone and that you're cancelling the arrangement and just going out with your immediate family.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/01/2019 02:35

OP why are you lending your Mother a substantial amount of money whilst your Father is very well off albeit tight? and you know she won’t pay this money back.

Why are you allowing your Parents to treat you like a stinking Shit?

MaggieFS · 07/01/2019 03:31

I think if OP invited everyone then OP pays as host, I wouldn't assume it would be shared, however if other people invite themselves/ their family then it would have been handy to have had an explicit conversation at the time.

Alternatively, if it was a more casual chat between them 'let's do something...' then I'd be more likely to assume it's shared.

In this case I'd cancel and just go with DH and DC

PastaOfMuppets · 07/01/2019 03:51

@BumbleBeee69 it sounds like OP's parents are no longer together.

SusieQ5604 · 07/01/2019 04:49

Great idea, SpeedyBojangles!

My personal opinion, OP: Fuck that fuckin' shit!!!!!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/01/2019 05:05

I would contact your relatives and tell them why the meal is cancelled. I’d send what Ed said but change it to “When my parents suggested going out for a meal I thought everyone would be paying for their own meal”.

You could perhaps add how it isn’t customary to invite the guest of honour and all their relatives and expect the guest of honour to foot the bill.

Are your parents together? It sounds like it. If the case, your father is financially abusing your mum by leaving her with not much money.

lboogy · 07/01/2019 05:27

Happy birthday

Tell your parents they can't come.

Bloody cheeky of them to expect you to pay for them

EatCrisps · 07/01/2019 05:38

Yes to cancelling

Cherrysherbet · 07/01/2019 06:06

I’d cancel. That’s so cheeky. I don’t think I’d enjoy the meal now, it would bother me too much.

Weenurse · 07/01/2019 06:10

Happy birthday 💐🍾

ApolloandDaphne · 07/01/2019 06:21

I think I am going against the grain here. When DH and I have had milestone birthdays we have always paid for whatever we have arranged whether that be a party or a meal out. I would never invite people to celebrate something with me and not pay. If i couldn't afford a meal out for everyone I would have a party or meal at home.

CupoBlood · 07/01/2019 06:28

Do your parents do this when it's their birthday?

mortifiedmama · 07/01/2019 07:06

@ApolloandDaphne but the OP didn't suggest it, her parents did, then her parents invited other people and THEN told her that they expected her to pay. Which is rude and cheeky.

OP I'd cancel and do something else.

EdtheBear · 07/01/2019 07:16

Maybe a better way out is :

DH has booked for us to go to xyz (hotel, show, wherever) I have only just found out it clashes with the dinner my parents were planning for my birthday. Really sorry but I need to put out. However my parents may wish to go a

Aridane · 07/01/2019 07:35

If you invite, you pay.
If you don't invite, you don't.
You didn't so you don't.

Disagree - think it depends on the terms and context of the invite

Lweji · 07/01/2019 07:35

I suspect your parents will have a different recollection of how the meal was decided, which would explain their attitude.
Always better to make these things clear when arranging meals out, unless you are going to pay for all of it.

Out of curiosity, what age are your siblings?

Aridane · 07/01/2019 07:36

Please don't do the childish cancellation message saying cancelled because parents won't pay!

Lifeofsmiley · 07/01/2019 07:40

Thank goodness you have found out about this in advance.

Lweji · 07/01/2019 07:41

I agree.
Better to just say something about changing your mind about celebrating and how, and rebook either a cheaper alternative (McDs Wink, or buffet at home) or go for just a quiet meal with husband and child, or even a weekend away.

Mayrhofen · 07/01/2019 07:42

Just tell both parents you have cancelled as you can’t afford to pay for everyone. Job done.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 07/01/2019 07:44

if you invite, you pay
Nah, I really don’t agree with this. If I was throwing a party then yes, I’d cater for everyone. Going out for a meal though? No way. If it’s been my parents big birthday or anniversary then myself and my DB paid for them and vice versa. I’d feel really cheeky to expect to be paid for on someone’s birthday.

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 07:45

I would cancel but not tell them and go elsewhere and have them on do not disturb when they try to find out A. Why there is no booking and B where the hell you are.

Hardly fair on the restaurant though, is it?!

OP-what are you going to do?

Lweji · 07/01/2019 07:49

This topic has been discussed in many threads before, but the reasoning is:
People may decide to not have a party at home for convenience or whatever reason, but if they invite, it's no different to a party at home. Even more so when they decide what type of restaurant (expensive vs cheap) and then the people invited are expected to cater and even subsidise their choices. It's like asking for a present or deciding how much it would cost. Very cheeky.

It's different if you organize something for the birthday person according to your wallet. Like you do with and present.

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 07:51

Her words were "well we all assume you're paying". I said I couldnt afford to pay 12 people's meals and drinks, and it wasn't even my idea. I spoke to my df and he also said he assumes were paying and when I said I couldn't afford it they both told me they weren't paying for it. Its my meal.

How did that conversation end? They both said they weren’t paying and you said you weren’t either?!

LadyinLavende · 07/01/2019 07:53

OP remind your DM that "assume" makes an ASS out of U and ME (dixit Jack Reacher)....now you have corrected her erroneous assumption and cancelled the restaurant booking, how would you like to celebrate your birthday?
I suggest you have a lovely meal with just your daughter and your husband in a different restaurant and if you nevertheless want to celebrate with your extended family invite the CF to a bought-in buffet at yours (so you don't have to do a lot of work). Depending on how you feel about the cost it's up to you whether you get the buffet from Morrison's or M&S (but there's nothing wrong with Morrison's party food!): it'll still be cheaper than the restaurant and you control the costs so there's no danger of the freeloading CFs taking advantage and racking up a mamouth bill.