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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu thinking my parents should pay

430 replies

PigsInSlankets · 06/01/2019 22:59

For themselves on my birthday? I don't expect them to fork out on my dinner or my dh/dc. But its a 'milestone' birthday and I don't think it's fair to expect me to pay for themselves and their families.

Attending are myself, DD, DH.
My DMis bringing 2 DBros and DGM
My DF is bringing DSM, 2DBros and 1DSis.

They suggested going for dinner to celebrate, and now they've both said they're unwilling to pay. It's been booked for months and they've told me they don't want to pay when it's only 2 weeks away.

OP posts:
PopMaster34112 · 08/01/2019 19:07

I had a similar situation. My DS invited DH & myself to her house for dinner on DHs birthday. DS suggested my MIL might like to make a birthday cake & join us for dinner.
I asked MIL if she wanted to do it, within hours she had invited lots of people to my DS house without DSs agreement. In the end I told MIL that we weren't going ahead. We did go ahead but without MILs knowledge or interference.

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 08/01/2019 19:07

Sorry to see your mother's response OP. When the day comes, enjoy your birthday celebration with your DH and DD; early birthday wishes x

Aeroflotgirl · 08/01/2019 19:09

Wow how nasty, they just wanted to freeload off you, now you know what your mum thinks of you, I would distance myself from her. What mother does that.

Lweji · 08/01/2019 19:10

At work we used to have lunches to celebrate birthdays, and everyone always paid for themselves plus the birthday person. But... They were never organised by the birthday person, or it would be worded as "let's go out for lunch on my birthday", not as "you're invited to my birthday lunch".

Aeroflotgirl · 08/01/2019 19:13

I organised a get together in a local pub for lunch with some friends, so I should pay for it all then! Madness, we all pay our way, that is how it always has been. For birthdays we choose cheap and cheerful venues where everyone can afford. Nobody is expected to sub anybody else. Most of us are on a budget anyway, and we are all aware of that, does not mean we cannot meet up and enjoy each others company.

EdtheBear · 08/01/2019 19:17

I also think there is an element of you tend to know the customs within your own family and friendship circles.

Bunnybaubles · 08/01/2019 19:18

"No problem mum... how soon can you return the money I lent you, I want to buy myself something lovely for my birthday".

Aeroflotgirl · 08/01/2019 19:20

I have a few friendship circles, and we all operate this way, everybody pays their own way, it is fair, not to lump it on the organiser.

MrsMaker88 · 08/01/2019 19:21

Depends on what family tradition you have around birthdays. If its that birthday person pays and that doesn’t work for you then advise you cant afford it and explain you will not expect same on others’ birthdays.

We certainly dont do that in our family. A friend of mine’s husband paid for the whole family on her bday but he invited them and they do an awful lot for them throughout the year

lily2403 · 08/01/2019 19:28

You invite you pay...what a load of crock

So when I text my friends and say hey let’s meet-up for dinner I’m expected to finance it 🙄

Utterly ridiculous

Now if you were throwing a birthday party for yourself then yeah supply a buffet but sit down dinner just no

Spudsandspanners · 08/01/2019 19:31

Well done OP. I have the opposite problem where it's a nightmare trying to pay for a meal for the family! They all want to pay! Weird how your parents expect to not at least pay for themselves and your OH and DD between the two of them on your birthday.

Now you can enjoy a stress free meal. Have a great birthdayCake

DenCop1 · 08/01/2019 19:34

Oh no, how horrible a predicament to put you in and of course I agree with everyone else in that I would expect to pay for my own.
It is your birthday an you deserve to celebrate and if everyone else is willing and understands that payment is down to them then I would go ahead.
Your parents are adults and it would be there choice not to attend , I can only imagine how much it will hurt but you deserve the celebration.

CoraPirbright · 08/01/2019 19:38

Good grief! So your dad suggests you all go out ....but then expects you to stump up not just for him but for all your extended family??! So glad you have cancelled and I am sorry but your mum sounds like a bitch to text such a horrid thing.

Pa10ma.....I have no words. I literally dont know what to say to what your parents have done. It is so far from my experience and most other posters to judge by their reactions. Gobsmacked doesnt really even start to cover it.

Boobsarenotloadbearing · 08/01/2019 19:38

CF!

I agree with others, cancel it and spend it with your nearest and dearest. As a PP said, even if you say they need to pay and they begrudgingly agree the chances of them conveniently "forgetting their wallets", putting you in a position where you don't have a choice (like none of them bringing any money) or guilting you into it is too high. Not worth it and expecting you to pay for 12 people on YOUR birthday (and when they invited you!) is appalling!

onlylonely · 08/01/2019 19:39

Today 18:50 Lweji

"You invite, you pay"
So on that principle, anyone who suggests a night out, pays for everyone they've invited?

See, the difference is inviting vs suggesting. It's in the dictionary.

But who uses the word "invite" for a night out. You say "Do ya fancy going out for a night out". Doesn't matter what you call it, you aren't expected to pay,

DeaflySilence · 08/01/2019 19:43

"DM responded. She told me not to bother putting out a glass for her."

I wouldn't even bother answering that. It'll bother her more if she doesn't know whether you read it or not.

RLABC · 08/01/2019 20:10

Has your father responded yet OP?

MrsAJ27 · 08/01/2019 20:11

I would not have invited them for cake and drinks.

I hope you have a lovely Birthday Flowers

AWishForWingsThatWork · 08/01/2019 20:25

I'm so sorry, OP.

Your mum is a bitch, and I don't use that term lightly.

Imagine, being put out that the birthday dinner they suggested you should have should be funded by you when you can't afford it, when she already owes you money, then sulks mightily via text when invited only for drinks and cake to celebrate it. Bitch.

Don't think much of your extended family. I'm so sorry.

Handprints2018 · 08/01/2019 20:27

There's your extra proof that she's a cheeky and also manipulative person. I'd text back 'no problem thanks for letting me know'. She will be so pissed off at your lack of upset.

eleigh66 · 08/01/2019 20:30

I would of just gone along with it but 'forgot' my purse!

MsLexic · 08/01/2019 20:34

Did you not make this clear in the first place?

skyblu · 08/01/2019 21:16

My husband had his 50th birthday last year and I organised a family meal with all his brothers & sisters (6 + partners), some friends and my family. I made it clear from the start (from point of invite) and with the Hotel we were at, that everyowoukd be laying for themselves - so I kept it very informal, come when you want, stay as king as you want, order what you want...let’s just all get together, have a drink and lovely evening and people who want to eat can, those who don’t, don’t have to..but the finances are each couples responsibility, not mine. Everyone was really fine with it and we ended up all together at a massive table for 26, everyone paid for themselves at point of order, everyone mingled/sat together etc and it worked REALLY well, was a great evening! There was no way I could afford to pay for everyone (Husband was signed off work medically & not being paid either, but no-one knew that). It was more important to everyone to all be together, celebrate & have a nice evening than the fact that they weren’t being paid for.

Really sorry that this is happening but no way should you feel obliged to pay for everyone & very rude of them to expect you to!

Pinklady1982 · 08/01/2019 21:18

Oh Op how horrible for you, that really must be making you feel like shit. I completely agree with you and others who have said you should not be paying for them at all, and they really shouldn’t be making you feel guilty, especially as it was there idea to go out!

For my dd’s bday last year I invited some kiddies over for a little party with some nibbles and games, as had to keep costs down, then said afterwards we were planning on going to an ice cream parlour, and they would be welcome to join us but I wouldn’t be able to cover the costs for them too. They all completely understood, although I felt awful I couldn’t afford to pay for them all as it was my idea for my dd. I think lesson learnt for the future to check what people’s expectations are from the outset, saves these kinds of situations from arising. I genuinely hope you can still enjoy a lovely birthday xx

TriciaH87 · 08/01/2019 21:19

Tell them it is your birthday so if anything they should all be chipping in to cover your bill but your not asking this you simply expected them to be paying their own way. They invited all these other people not you so why should you foot the bill. Tell them as they all expect you to pay you are going to cancel because you and your partner could take DC away for the weekend to celebrate for less than it will cost you to feed all that lot. Plus it would be less stress and I bet the 3 of you would appreciate time together more than they value time with you if they cannot celebrate the big milestones with you unless your paying.

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