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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu thinking my parents should pay

430 replies

PigsInSlankets · 06/01/2019 22:59

For themselves on my birthday? I don't expect them to fork out on my dinner or my dh/dc. But its a 'milestone' birthday and I don't think it's fair to expect me to pay for themselves and their families.

Attending are myself, DD, DH.
My DMis bringing 2 DBros and DGM
My DF is bringing DSM, 2DBros and 1DSis.

They suggested going for dinner to celebrate, and now they've both said they're unwilling to pay. It's been booked for months and they've told me they don't want to pay when it's only 2 weeks away.

OP posts:
browneyes77 · 08/01/2019 18:03

If you invite, you pay.
If you don't invite, you don't.
You didn't so you don't.

I’ve never ever experienced this ever.

For me and my family/friends - if it’s your birthday and you ask people if they’d like to come celebrate at a meal with you, it’s always expected you just pay for yourself. Never in a million years would my friends or family expect the birthday boy or girl to pay for everyone else! The only time that would differ is if your throwing an actual birthday bash like a party where you are hosting it. You’re not hosting if your going to a restaurant - the restaurant are hosting you. And we choose a restaurant that’s affordable to all if you want people to come out and join you.

If it’s DP’s Birthday I pay for his meal and same goes for my moms birthday. DP does the same.

Although this does remind me of that stupid rule in work places where if it’s your birthday people except you to bring cake in. If it’s your birthday people should be bringing YOU cake!! That’s usually how birthday cakes work - the cake is for you! Cake

Bellatrix14 · 08/01/2019 18:05

I’m sorry your mother has been so unpleasant OP. I hope you have a lovely time at your new birthday meal Flowers

I have suggested meals out for my birthday before and never expected that I would pay for everyone, and none of those invited have ever seemed surprised that I’m not paying Confused

I think it’s in the wording, I tend to say something along the lines of “I thought it might be nice to go out for an Indian for my birthday this year, are you free on the 12th? Etc etc”. When I have been intending to pay for meals (which I have done, but for other people’s birthdays, not my own!) I have always phrased it as “I would like to take you out for dinner for your birthday/to celebrate your promotion etc”

Wondering now if I am just part of a very stingy cohort of friends as I have never had someone else’s birthday meal paid for... Hmm

ItsJustASimpleLine · 08/01/2019 18:06

Tell her you'll put her glass out, fill it to the rim and enjoy it on her behalf.

Shocking behaviour from all. I hope you have a wonderful birthday with the people you love and who truly love u back.

PinkPanther27 · 08/01/2019 18:09

They suggested going for dinner then said they didn't want to pay 😯😯
I'd say that's a shame but I understand, we can do it another time. Then do whatever YOU want to do for your birthday 🎂

PrimalLass · 08/01/2019 18:09

Even if my parents or DH’s DM suggested a day out or dinner or whatever, they would literally go incandescent if we expected them to pay because they brought us up and now are not working, so it’s like a moral obligation that we should insist on, if you follow me?

I would go nowhere with them. That's so rude. Your family are meant to love you, not see you as someone to bankroll you.

PrimalLass · 08/01/2019 18:09

*bankroll them

Kathygnome · 08/01/2019 18:10

In my world, if you invite people to go out and celebrate something, you're the one who pays. I would probably not be offended if the check got split, but it would seem a little presumptuous. They suggest going out then expect you to pay? You gotta be kidding.

You could be super snarky and take them to McDonalds and tell them that since you're paying for everyone, this is what you can afford.

delboysskinandblister · 08/01/2019 18:16

They've invited you to pay for everyone when it was their invitation and your birthday??

Your reply : 'Ahem, no the self catering option doesn't work for me that won't be happening. Have invited myself to my own getaway birthday break see you lot in February'

Seriously OP, find a getaway break without any of these buggers and enjoy YOUR birthday on YOUR terms.

MadMadaMim · 08/01/2019 18:16

It may be worthwhile sending a follow up message along the lines of:

"Dear M / D

It's unfortunate that the birthday meal we had planned had to be cancelled - please know that this decision was not taken lightly and I explored all possibilities before doing so.

I would have really loved to celebrate this milestone birthday with you all and the sentiment of wanting to spend it with me is not lost - I really appreciate it.

I was a little surprised that it was assumed that I would pay for everyone. We may have been able to pay for ourselves and you and [dad/mum], but paying for everyone was never an option - the food bill would probably be £350 - £400 and then drinks on top. It's just not feasible for me, sadly.

It would be lovely to see you all for cake and a glass of something nice in the evening aroung 'x' pm.

Again, thank you for the lovely thought and wanting to celebrate with me.

Lots of love"

Then it's up to them how to respond. I'd ignore your DM's last message and put it down to disappointment.

And for the record - whenever we have a birthday meal/night out/weekend away, everyone usually pays for themselves AND we split the cost of the birthday person. The only person we always pay for is my DM as she has very limited funds and this is usually split between my DB and I.

Happy birthday and have a lovely meal with your family

delboysskinandblister · 08/01/2019 18:26

I was speaking to my mum...She was complaining how she's not got a lot of money at the moment can afford a new pet, yet can't afford dinner?
Her words were "well we all assume you're paying".
I spoke to my df and he also said he assumes were paying and when I said I couldn't afford it they both told me they weren't paying for it. Its my meal.

Df has always been quite tight with money but is very well off.... it was his idea to begin with.

Dm will probably try and make excuses about how she's got no money (when she very much does) , and how she'll pay me back (and never will). still waiting for a significant amount back from her from months ago

can you see how they've managed to accrue a lifetime of wealth op and are very much well off....

celticprincess · 08/01/2019 18:28

I’m confused with the etiquette around who pays from some of the comments. I often invite people to go out for a meal with me but we always pay our own. None of this you invite you pay malarkey.

As for family. My mother never lets me pay when we go out for a mewl - her birthday, my birthday or just a meal for meal’s sake and she pays every time. When we used to go out for family meals with my ex dh’s Parents we would all pay our own. Sometimes they would treat us and other times not. We would never expect them to pay or them for us to pay.

My dad on the other hand rarely pays for my meals. He pays his own and I pay mine. If I’ve had to go out of my way to help him with something that week (such as pick him up, drive him to town to buy a TV, carry said tv to car and home for him and set it up) then he may by me lunch as a thank you (after his very close friend bends his ear about it!!) but he’s a whole different kettle of fish to most people I know.

And a milestone birthday I’d expect my parents to buy me the meal not me theirs to be honest. A party is another matter where you put in a buffet and invite people and pay it yourself (again my mother insisted she oakdnwhen we did this for my milestone birthday).

Pashal2 · 08/01/2019 18:30

I'm sorry but I don't understand. It's YOUR birthday is that correct? If that's the case, you're the birthday girl why are you paying anything? They must not realize it's YOUR day not theirs.

JustJayne1959 · 08/01/2019 18:34

They’re her parents, that IS immediate family 🙄

onlylonely · 08/01/2019 18:35

"You invite, you pay"
So on that principle, anyone who suggests a night out, pays for everyone they've invited?

JustJayne1959 · 08/01/2019 18:38

Wow! I’ve invited people to a milestone birthday (50th) and everyone paid for their own meal, including me! I’m thinking you’re not that close as a family if they’re doing this. I once invited friends to my own father’s 70th birthday meal and asked on the invitation that they all paid for their own, everyone agreed. I wouldn’t expect to do anything else whether I’d invited or been invited.
Go out with your husband and those who choose to be there.

MatildaTheCat · 08/01/2019 18:40

Following that entirely uncharming response from your ‘D’M I suspect you are extremely glad you didn’t give in and pay for the whole family and Uncle Joe Cobbly.

I like the response, ‘Thanks for letting me know Mummy.’

Have a really special birthday and splash out on an extra nice bottle of wine. Or two.

delboysskinandblister · 08/01/2019 18:41

I think she has just confirmed you have made the right decision and it's kind of you to even let them know the restaurant you are taking your own family to.

I hope your mum doesn't cancel the table you've booked out of vindictiveness.

YouCantPolishThis · 08/01/2019 18:45

The only time I'd not expect to pay for dinner is if someone had said "let me take you out to dinner, my treat" otherwise I'd be expecting to pay my share.

I'm glad you stuck up to them OP. spend the money on your DH and DD and having a special day.

Sb74 · 08/01/2019 18:49

What horrible parents and cheeky sods asking even more family along. I quite like the suggestion of letting them turn up and you just go somewhere else and don’t tell them! With your dh and dc. Teach them a lesson the mean bastards. Why are some parents so horrible? They should pay for you!! Have they been telling everyone it’s some kind of free for all?

Lweji · 08/01/2019 18:50

"You invite, you pay"
So on that principle, anyone who suggests a night out, pays for everyone they've invited?

See, the difference is inviting vs suggesting. It's in the dictionary.

BlueJava · 08/01/2019 18:53

Cancel it and go out with someone less mean! YANBU.

celticprincess · 08/01/2019 18:59

I make sure I never use the word ‘invite’ in future then and will always just suggest to be on the safe side.

Romanmonkey · 08/01/2019 19:04

I’m sorry OP. Hope you have a lovely birthday meal with your DH and DD and that your dad is better behaved than your mum!

Bobbi73 · 08/01/2019 19:05

My friends and I always pay for ourselves and the birthday girl/boy whoever does the inviting. That said, there are a few of us going out for a milestone birthday soon and I did send a message apologising in advance for not being able pay for everyone as I've been ill and not working.
I'm astonished that you would be expected to pay for your own meal at your birthday let alone everyone else! I hope you have a good night x

Aeroflotgirl · 08/01/2019 19:06

Cheeky blighters, there is no 'you invite, you pay rule here', never heard of it, everybody pays their way, if they don't want to, they can decline, it is the fairest way to do it. I would just cancel it all, and do something nice with you and your dh, and kids.