How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

I had a friend in Upper Sixth whose mother was 50 when she was born via IVF. The mother died from a terminal illness when friend was 19 and I feel it’s ruined her life as Dad died a few years later, no siblings either. So unfair on the child as they miss out on their parent being there in adult life and seeing potential grandchildren grow. Even at 47 my DM is starting to struggle with her mobility and finds it difficult to pick up my 2 stone DD so I can only imagine it gets harder the older you are

My dad was 46 when my brother was born.
My grandad was 44 when my dad was born.
My great-grandad was 52 when my grandad was born.
My great great grandad was a youthful 40 when my great grandad was born.

It happens

katy You keep talking about the past. Many adults in the past did not choose to have kids at all. They just got married and had kids, or got pregnant and got married. It was just what you did. It did not even really matter if you liked kids or not. I for one am glad that most people in Britain now choose to have kids. I think it makes for a much happier life for both the parents and kids.

I think people are talking about two different situations on this thread.

Person A is 30, has the opportunity to have kids now (willing partner etc), but is currently deciding whether to go ahead now or wait.

Person B is 40, and hasn't had the opportunity to try for a baby until now. Considering a time machine isn't an option, should they go ahead?

I would give different advice to each.

Often those who are horrified at people becoming parents post -40 are younger themselves and/or had children younger. They often struggle to understand that not everyone is in a relationship or position to have children any earlier. Increasingly people marry or find their life partner later, plus cost issues and changing social patterns mean fewer people have their children I. Their late teens and early 20s wh it would have been the norm a couple of generations ago.

It's impossible to say a categorical age after which it's too late. Older potential parents do have to consider a number of extras though, such as health, finances in the future.....things which all potential parents have to consider but which perhaps become more pressing and might have a greater impact with older parents......these things need considering but are just one or two of many other considerations and might well not over-ride the other considerations, such as ability to be a good parent, enthusiasm for it, etc etc. There are lots of things which people will consider in an ideal world, such as relationship stability, financial position etc etc but in fact, many people are not in an ideal situation when they have children. Some are in relationship chaos, some have no money or housing, some have no interest in children or ability to parent......within this range of factors, being older and having a small risk of dying before your child is an adult, or suffering health issues earlier in their life (which all parents will eventually anyway) seem rather minor downsides compared to thane that many parents face.

I guess a different but related question is about assisted conception. We read about 50 + year olds conceiving. Again,nits hard to draw a definitive line although the NHS and medical services ices might need to do this. Once there are additional costs to society then it becomes more complicated and perhaps isn't just down to individual choice, when we are talking about highly competitive,ex medical procedures and likely complications with costs. There has to be an end, and unlike other things which we might be able to have at any time, there is an end point for having a baby, not clear when it is. Moralising and being too definite about specific age cut-offs (especially when natural conception is possible) seems a bit daft and just unaware of the realities of the world, plus placing too much weight in the age factor for parenting when other factors are more important in determining good parenting.

I really don't get the ageism. Is it better never to have been born, life really not worth living, if your Mum was over 40 when you were born?

Bonkers. Just bonkers.

If I'd had children younger they would have been with my prick of an ex, not my lovely DH. Those children's lives would not have been better than my DD.

For me 40 because I didn't want to be financially supporting children after retirement ( well the government stuffed the idea of me retiring at 60 after that) I was 34 with DS1 and 38 with DS2. I would have loved to have three children but the thought of a third at 40+ was not attractive.
I have several male friends who have had children with their partners well into their late 40's, they are fit and well and what they lack in youth and overwhelming vigour is made up for with confidence and experience.
None of us know how long we will live or how our health will be, we can only guess. Age should not really be a factor in the natural spectrum of conception, but IVF treatment for those of 55+ leaves me feeling less certain.

ChocolateWombat

Often those who are horrified at people becoming parents post -40 are younger themselves and/or had children younger.

Or are the children of older parents and have first hand experience of the difficulties. It can work for some, but the risks are much higher and there can potentially be negative consequences for the children once they reach teens/early adulthood. All of these factors should be considered, not just "I'm 45 now and fit as a fiddle." What about in 10-20 years time?

OP is 34 ...

I think it's the luck of the draw a lot of the time, to be honest. My partner lost both his parents when he was in his late 20s and they were both under 50. In comparison on my side of the family, when my little girl is born next month she will have my very fit and active grandparents in their 60s (who do childcare for my step-siblings on a regular basis as they are retired) as well as a great grandmother in her 80s who is also very healthy.

The truth is that anything can happen at any time to anyone. Sometimes quality of life can mean more than quantity. And I think older parents (counting myself in that bracket as I'm 33) have a lot to offer.

Personally speaking, I can't really think of any tangible reasons that would have made having kids 10-15 years ago a good move for me. I wasn't in the right kind of relationship with the right kind of man, I wasn't financially stable enough for the life I'd want my child to have, I wanted to pursue a career... By waiting 10 years I've found someone who will be a wonderful father and who is a much better match for me than the men I tended to be with in my 20s, been able to buy a big family house, developed my career enough that I can now please myself and take however long I want off with my child and not have to fret about going back to work for financial reasons, and be in a position to offer our child a lot of opportunities when she arrives. At 25, I would have been living in a one-bed flat, living month to month on a not very generous salary, and with someone who wasn't the right person for me. I'm sure a baby would have been just as loved had one arrived then, but I want to give my child security, opportunities, and a lot of my time, and it's only now I'm in my early/mid 30s that I'm in a position to offer that.

So instead of thinking about what your child might miss out on, think about all the stuff you have to offer them instead that you might not have 10 years ago.

I have to be honest, at 27 atm I'm pregnant with baby 2 and I'm knackered!

I'm a child of older parents. Theirs was not a choice because I was born before contraception was reliable and abortion legal. Personally, I'd rather not have been born. When I was young they were of a different generation and I ended up as a carer far too young. I get so angry when people romanticise my birth with 'late life miracle' or 'they were blessed'. Fuck that. It's just romantic bollocks that keep other people happy.

celebelly At 33 I really do not see you as an older parent tbh.

My husband was 47 when our baby was born. He could not be a more dedicated and devoted Dad. He is in a senior position at work, financially stable and own our own home. He's had time to have the hedonistic life he wanted. Our only regret for not being younger parents is the ability of having a big family. Yes, we worry about the future but who doesn't?

I'm late 40s so nearly 50s and it wouldn't occur to me that I am anywhere near too old to be active with my children! My youngest two are 7 and we ice skate, go to water parks, do water sports will go sledging if we ever get any proper snow. Am shocked by the thought that I was too old to have them. The idea I could be a granny is ridiculous! Are people who think it's too old going to be sitting with a blanket watching the world go by and grumbling about the good old days the time their 55 ? If you're currently 20s or 30s you'll probably be shocked by how little you've changed by the time you're in your 50s.

I had DS when i was (just) 40.
I didn’t meet his dad till I was 37.
I do get tired at 48 with an active 8 yo.
I would say 40 is the cut off. Hopefully I will be around till DS is in his 40s, but if I get to see grandchildren, it will be a bonus

I think over 40 is selfish.
My dad had my sister in his 50s. He's dying of cancer now, my sister is only 22 :( he is in his 70s. It's awful, and it's not even a terrible tradgedy as he's in his 70s, but my poor sister has all this to cope with. I'm only early 30s. He's too old to do any child care for my children, let alone any of hers if she had any.

We also suffered a lot from our parents being quite far removed from our cultural reference points, and they have a very old fashioned view

I was 30 and 35 when had my 2, dh is 6 years older. Ds didn't sleep reliably until he was 2 when I look back now I've no clue how I managed to carry on as I did.

I'm 38 this year and won't have anymore 35 was kind of my cut off, where that age came from I don't know. I didn't want babies until I was 30 as wanted fun, travel, to establish a career but now my career is just a job as childcare needs dictate the logistics of our lives and I'm stuck In an easy very flex job that's beneath me but makes life easier

If I were you I'd do it if that's what you want and can afford it

I was 33 when I had my first child and was the first of my friendship group to have kids, although nearly 10 years later I was almost the last!

@abacucat I wouldn't either, but there have been quite a few posts on this thread by people horrified at the idea of having kids over the age of 30, oddly! In my own social circle, 33 is completely average age for kids.

There really is no right or wrong, it's far more about what you can bring to parenthood. Recently a friend of mine had her first at 45 (with assistance) and her parter is ten years older with grown up children. Their baby is doted on and has mature, intelligent and materially very comfortable parents. I had my first at 24 and my second at 38, as a parent I feel I'm a better and more relaxed Mother second time around - yes I might not get to see much of my grandchildren from my smallest DD if she has children later on but that's the way it is. Many of my female friends put of children to pursue children and have had them later (or unfortunately not at all) - from a lifestyle perspective, all are in much better place then they would have been in their twenties. At the end of the day, if it's something you both want then really it's your own business. Whatever age you are, you won't be cool to your children, you could suffer ill health at any age and however old you are when your parents die, it's going to hit you hard.

To all the people saying hwat good dad's their 50 year old husband is to their 5 year old, well, they can be young now, but in 20 years they'll still be 70. And 25 seems to young to have to deal with a frail, elderly parent, they should be enjoying life as a young adult. And if they had kids after 25, their dad would be very unlikley to be able to help with grandchildren, or even take them outside for a game of football etc. I know this from experience

I am in my late 50's along with my DP. I am fine physically, but more set in my ways and less patient with noise and chaos than when younger. I always said I wouldnt be, but I am.
DP is beginning to get arthritis. He can walk about a mile slowly, any more than that and it gets very painful. So he looks healthy and mobile to anyone who knows him, except those friends he used to play sport with. He never talks about his arthritis so most don't know he has it.
Most people do change as they get older. Sure you get the odd 85 year old still riding a bike and going to gigs, but they are very rare.

I have a friend my age with two young children and I know only now has she started to talk about what age she will be when they are teenagers, 16 etc with some horror. I was shocked she had not thought of this before - they were very much planned.

put of children to pursue careers! Bah!

thatwasfast Totally agree. I think when the children are young is the part of parenting usually least impacted by having older parents.