How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

Depends on health but assuming your DP is healthy I’d say he’s plenty young enough

Ok maybe the “ideal” parent is younger, but then the ideal parent also has plenty of money, but doesn’t work too hard, has no family issues, no health issues, no emotional baggage, no bad habits, endless patience... the ideal parent virtually doesn’t exist in other words

Being a bit older is hardly the end of the world as long as you think he would be a good dad.

Racecardriver
But your argument doesn't work. In fact the opposite is the case.
If you live till you are 90, which is not unlikely, your children will be in their 70s. You could still be a burden to them. If you;d waited till your 30s to have children, by the time you are 90 they would be in their 60s- a whole 10 years younger to look after you!

Some of us don't have the choice of having children at 20 . I was still at uni then. I didn't marry till I was almost 30 because the right person wasn't on the scene.

I’m really shocked at the ageism in here.
DP and I might have had two under two at 46, but what’s more relevant is our attitude to parenting. At soft play, we are the ones bouncing around with the kids, not sitting on the sidelines staring at screens. Being older means I’m less concerned about my career now and happy to instead spend more time with the children. We rarely rely on friends or relatives to babysit, get up at least once a night (often three or four times as DC2 has additional health needs and doesn’t sleep well) and still have the energy to run around with the children in the day.

Parenting is never easy but it’s personal circumstances that make it the right time, not simply someone’s age. Some of the comments on here re older parents are ridiculous generalisations.

Ok maybe the “ideal” parent is younger, but then the ideal parent also has plenty of money, but doesn’t work too hard, has no family issues, no health issues, no emotional baggage, no bad habits, endless patience... the ideal parent virtually doesn’t exist in other words

This!

I have too many friends who have lost a young parent (40s or younger) unexpectedly when they were in their 20s or younger to waste my time worrying that I might leave my children without a parent too soon. It might happen to any of us, no matter what age we have our children.
Caring for an elderly parent when you too are elderly is hard, just as it would be when you have young children.
If you wait for a perfect time to have children no one would have any . Go for it.

Selfish? Because you would die when your child was young?
Anything can happen in life. And you could still have 40-50years

Real life examples - a relative had a second family in his late 50s and is a great dad, still very active with his kids in his mid 60s

I know a few friends whose dads were in their 80s when they were in their 20s (so must have become dads at nearly 60). It had some downsides, but never to the extent that the friend wished they hadn’t been born!

*on

I'm 30, DP is 47. We have a 7 month old. You wouldn't think DP was 47, & he is still exceptionally hands on with the kids. I don't think you can pinpoint a generic 'over 40 is selfish' etc because actually some 30 year old parents are unable to interact/run around with their kids for various reasons. Go with what feels comfortable for you guys as a couple

He’ll be fine if he’s healthy etc. My DP was late 40’s when we ttc. He’s an active Dad now and is involved in family life. I don’t see a problem with your ages. I was 37 when we started trying and was lucky.

@Dartilla Id go ahead pre-40 if a partner was older because the cut off is for me seeing as I’d be carrying the baby, giving birth, hopefully breast feeding. My friend is 30, would like another but her husband is 52 so they feel that’s too old for him. Seeing him with their toddler, I do think 50 for a Father is getting too old.

I’d crack on if I were you. Start trying ttc ASAP.

Is it "ideal"? No. But if it's between being an older parent and not having much wanted kids at all, and everything else (good relationship, finances, employed, housed, good physical and mental health) is in order? I would go for it.

Those with a cut off of 40 (quite a few of you) - what would you do then in my case, where I'm mid 30s but DH is mid 40s?

I'd get stuck in tonight :)

You can't live your life worrying about how old you might be when you die and deprive your child of a parent No one knows when they will die. But looking at the stats, your DH has another 40 years.

I never knew either of my grandfathers. They died in their 40s when my dad was 8 and my mum was 17. No one could have foreseen that.

I think what you need to look at is YOUR motivation to have a child(ren.)
If you strongly want a child, the fact your DH is 45 (NOT old) is neither here nor there. You'd not be asking the question in the first place.

I think the age thing is a red herring; you've latched onto it because you are unsure about being a mum.

Agree satsuma - I'm not sure older parents were that common. Yes it happened and there were families with a lot of children, but I don't necessarily think they were the norm.

For me, growing up in the late 80s and 90s, my parents were by far the oldest compared to my classmates. Now my friends have parents who are still fit and able and provide a supportive influence to their adult DC and their children. While I've spend the last few years under a lot of stress caring for elderly parents who can't look after themselves. This included a mother who refused to accept my father's dementia so I had to go to social services in order to get him appropriate care. Mum is also going downhill physically and mentally and it's a huge amount of pressure to deal with. Another PP said she lost out on having her own family because she spent her 20s and 30s caring for her parents, and it looks like this will happen to me too.

I’m not sure if it has come up already but about half of relationships fail. If I’d had dc during my fertility-peak 20s they would have been with a man I would have split up with. By not starting till 30s I am, fingers crossed, with someone I will stay with. I would be more concerned about children not having access to their fathers than grandfathers, and I don’t mean eow type access.

My DF had already been married when he had me, so my DM was slightly younger than him. They had my brother first and then me a while later, so a bit of an age gap between us. My DM was 36 when they eventually had me, and my DF was 42, so not miles away from your ages. I can honestly say it made absolutely no difference to me growing up, altho similar to your DP my looks very young for his age and nobody ever believes us when we tell them he is mid 60's

Had DS1 at just turned 39 and then 17 months later had DS2 at 40. I was not the oldest in my NCT group and am not the oldest mum at school. A lot of professional women where we were/are who decided to have children later. I was working in finance in a great career but actually didn't choose to have kids so late. I simply didn't meet the right guy until 36. Upside to this for us was financial stability. We own property and can put both through private school which was important to us. I wouldn't have wanted to be any older though.

DH was 50 when we had our last (I was 38), and he managed better with the baby stage than I did. You're only as young as you feel. DH is now 55 and said he'd be happy if we had another.

I'd absolutely go for it OP. I know a couple of people who've been marvellous first time parents at your ages, and a few over 40 first time Mums, if you want to be parents get on with it! I don't think you would ever regret becoming parents but it sounds like you might regret not trying to become parents, and FWIW I really don't think you are particularly old as a couple to be TTC.

Also, all the people I know whose parents are now 'younger grandparents' get little help as their parents are still working.
It was pretty common having babies in your 40s around war time, certainly in mine and my husband's family.

My parents had me when they were younger, and it is only now in my late 50's that they are starting to go downhill. I do think that is a much easier age to deal with that, than as a very young adult.

I appreciate things are rarely ideal, but if I had a choice, I would always choose having kids younger.

And the risk of disability rises. If you are a 45 year old mother the risk of having a child with Down's Syndrome is 1 in 30. I know there are adults with Down's Syndrome who live independently and have a healthy life, but there are also plenty of others with a host of associated health problems including heart problems, who will always need care.

I don’t think you’re too old. If you want them then have them.

My parents were 42 and 53 when I was born. My mum is now 74 and is a fit and active grandparent who is much fitter than I am! My dad is 85 and has alzheimer’s so I am now faced with having a dad with dementia and not being able to help much because of my own young kids, and I’m 31, so pretty young to be facing this. On the basis of this, I would say anything over 50 is too old. It’s about how you feel, yes, but also the impact on your children in x number of years time.

I was 27 and 30 when I had my two. There are advantages and disadvantages at any age.

I honestly think there is too much over-thinking going on here.

You cannot please everyone.

I really don't think people over-thought this in the past.

Your role as a parent is to raise your child till they can support themselves- so that usually means they will be 25-ish- out of uni, in a job, earning money. Any extra time you have with them is a bonus.

Don't forget that parents and children don't always live near each other. My parents were relatively young (late 20s) when they had me. I moved away at 21 and never had any help really with childcare because of the distance.

You just can't plan for everything.

My dad was 42 when I was born and 44 when my brother was born. He was in great physical shape when we were born but was diagnosed with MS when I was 5, 26 years later he's still here. My mum's perfectly healthy youngish dad was killed in a plane crash when she was 18. My point is you have no idea what life will throw at you so I wouldn't place too much importance on age. My dad despite being older and ill is a fantastic dad and always has been.

Forgot to add, if either of you smoke, drink alcohol a lot or could be more physically active then start cleaning up your act too! It will make a huge difference in the long term.