How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

Some of the comments on here re older parents are ridiculous generalisations

They are, as with most comments on here, based on personal experience. We are what our experiences made us. I would have preferred my dad to be a similar age to my mum. It didn't matter when I was younger, but it did matter once I got into my 30s and he was very old. I realise I was lucky he lived independently until he was 92 and died at 93, he could have been a lot less fit, but as I mentioned in my first post, I see friends with parents in their early 70s who are really fit and healthy and I do envy them that.

Thatwasfast - just would question your assumption that grandparents should actively be involved in their grandchildrens lives. It's nice if they do but mine had zero involvement in my life. My Dad certainly never played football with either my 24 year old when he was in his late forties or my ten year old in his sixties and I've never relied on grandparents for care of my children - they have their own lives to lead! It would have been lovely to have had free child care but that's personally never been an option and I don't see why it should be expected.

abacucat - exactly. I didn't mind having older parents when i was young (

My dad is now 82 and still fit (keen rambler), but he probably won't be able to help if my brother has children, as he is 36 and showing no signs of wanting a long-lasting partner, let alone a child.

Like someone else said, few people would deliberately chose to have a child very late, but for some people, like my dad's second wife, it is their only chance to have a child.

SJane You can understand though why those who were close to GPs want that option for their own children?

I think it’s like comparing apples to oranges. A lot of women who tend to delay motherhood to late thirties / forties tend to be like me —independantly rich, serious about their health, and able to make considered decisions about diet / fitness etc. We aren’t the type of women who will pop our clogs barring unavoidable health issues.

SJane - I'm speaking from experience of one of children born to a much older dad, and a reasonably older mum. It's shit for the children, and I'd advise anyone against doing it. It might be nice for the parents, but it's shit for the kids.

cherries I know a fair few older mothers and none are independently rich. I think you are talking about your social circle only.

ravenmum - it was similar for my Mum. and i get it.

but there is a world of difference between it being your only chance, to intentionally delaying parenthood to your 40s/50s

It's really too subjective I think to generalise too much.

I think the mum's age is most important factor as physically you are going through pregnancy labour and potentially feeding etc. The dad can be a bit older, but his feelings on it are very important. If he feels happy and you do too then go for it.

I feel at 35 I don't want to do it again, I have one DC who will turn 18 when I turn 50 and I like to think I will be at peak earning power to help through uni, house deposit etc and if they choose to have their own kids hopefully be an active gp in my sixties, that would be great! I wouldn't be comfortable with being much older.

But, individual circumstances, health, wealth and the parents attitudes are key.

I would say generally a cut off of late 30s for the woman and mid-late 40s for the man is sensible if both are healthy and financially secure.

Wish you well!

So some people think that at in your 20s you are too young to have to cope with elderly parents and some people think that you must have your children in your 20s so that your children don't have to look after you when they are in their 20s. Not sure now that's going to work! ;)

thatwasfast That does sound shit.

@abacucat - everybody on this thread is though. There are people here who let themselves go after having kids in their 20s and so got illnesses etc and so feel they were old at 30-40.

I just wanted to point out that my experience of older parents is different.

Doesn't sound like Dartilla's dh has done this intentionally - more that he didn't think it through perhaps? And she wasn't sure at 30, when he would have been 40. Perhaps this is one aspect of having an older husband that might not be as obvious until you really consider having children seriously.

Weird ideas about later life here. My father had me when he was in is 40s. I am now late 40s. He is in his 90s and frail. I have never thought about his age being a disadvantage at all. Life is what it is. In his 50s we were travelling all over the world and in his 70's him and mum moved overseas for a while (depriving my older siblings of childcare - how awful of them!) Yes in their 80s when my eldest was born, they didn't offer full on childcare but they've had a very meaningful relationship with them.

Some people here are heading to be very old before their time. My DPs father died when he was young and he was raised by his Stepfather (almost same age as my Dad and very much live and kicking)

But the main thing is that your experience is your experience, it doesn't mean others will feel the same.

My father was 57 when I was born, He was a wonderful father, had lots of time for me and we were very close (unlike my sister who is 10 years older and our father was very busy with work when she was little). He recently died, aged 105, having kept in wonderful health until the last few years.
He gave me an incredible connection to the past, and he gave me the the time, attention, and perspective that a 60+-year-old in good health has, after living a very full life.

I would have preferred my dad to be a similar age to my mum

I think all of us would have preferred our parents to be different in many ways.

As for pp above who is pissed off her dad is dying because "He's too old to do any child care for my children". That's a bit harsh isn't it? Our parents don't exist just to give us free childcare. Anyway how many grandfathers do childcare alone no matter how fit they are? None that I've ever met.

Have the baby, but get cracking! You are young, healthy and that’s the main thing. Having an older father is hardly unusual. I was 37 and 39 when I had our two, DW is 2 years older. No regrets here.

These threads always make me laugh, my DH will retire before the DCs leave primary school and me before they leave secondary, we do just fine thanks.

Clearly, older parents do have greater risk of sooner health problems and death. However, I think that some people have a rather skewed view of that risk (which is usual with perceptions of risk - people generally aren't very good in understanding its severity or liklihood)

The chances of an adult dying before they are 65 or having severe health problems (so during a child's childhood perhaps) is present, but low. Therefore, whilst there is an increased risk of these issues for older parents, the risk is still very low. More children will have a parent die who is younger than those with older parents, simply because more children have younger parents. A child experiencing the death of a parent is a terrible thing and it does happen, but it happens to children with parents of all ages.

What is much more likely is that a child who had older parents is more likely to experience the death of a parent or serious health issues and implications during their younger adulthood. Going through the illness of your parents or caring for them or experiencing their death is always difficult. It might be more difficult for younger adults than older ones, but I think the idea that it is impossible to cope with or means it would have been better for those children not to have been born at all is a rather extreme view of things. I guess older parents need to have this issue in mind and make sure their young adult children have enough support around them to cope with this eventuality. Death of a parent is never going to be easy to deal with, but it is a feature of life and dealing with it in your 20s or 30s is not something if horrific proportions - think of the last and other societies where this was very much the norm - not something we'd want everyone to have to face, but something well balanced adults can face and cope with.

Clearly there are people on this thread who have had much older parents and wished they hadn't for a variety of reasons. Some experienced the health issues or death or issues in childhood of having older parents. As they say, their experiences shaped them, but it is also important to recognise these are not the experiences of everyone with older parents. And to say that it would have been better not to have been born than to experience a sick parent in your 20s or whatever is certainly not a typical view, but an extreme one.

And so, all I'm saying is that whilst we do need to recognise individual experiences and to understand increased risks, we also have to hold these in balance when making decisions. The vast majority of children of older parents will have full and happy childhoods and their parents will survive and not have serious health concerns. A number of them will have to deal with parental illness or death in their 20s and 30s and 40s, but most will cope and manage. The vast vast majority will love their parents and be glad they were their parents.

I had mine at 25, 28 and 35 and used to think I would love to have one or two more. Glad I didn’t though ( and I know everyone is different) as now aged 62 I have noticed that I’m starting to feel exhausted after a day of childcare for grandchildren. It seemed to creep up from about aged 56, coinciding with menopausal years I suppose. So I am pleased that I wasn’t living with teenagers in my 50’s if you see what I mean.
First grandchild was born when I was 55, and although I am in good health, I was much more energetic with him at that age than I am with the most recent babies born a year ago.

I think there's no right or wrong answer to this. If you really want one then have one. Age isn't what it used to be - 60+ year olds aren't 'old' in the way they were when I was a kid. They are often still working, socially active etc.
I had my last at 34, which was right for me. I have friends who had their first at 34 and last at 44. It's about how you feel and your personal circumstances.

Buttered ghost - I did not say I was pissed off my dad was dying of cancer because he can’t do childcare for me. What a vile, nasty thing to say.

Did you miss that my dad is dying of cancer?

Iwannasee, exactly

I find the "surely it's better to be born" argument a bit silly. If I hadn't been born I wouldn't know any different, I wouldn't have any concept of life or have any ability to miss it. It's the same type of argument anti-abortion campaigners come out with and it's equally ridiculous in that context.