How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

We had DD at 36, having been TTC since 29. She had DGS at 21, contraceptive failure. MIL, DGS's DGGM, is the same age as his DGGGM (mid eighties). DD's cousins range from 30 to 9. All of us are fairly healthy, if somewhat battered by our amusements.

My gran lived to 98, but my mum was helping her since she was a young adult.

abacucat

Fully agree. As a result of having older parents, I never knew my grandparents. They were all dead by the time I turned 6 :(

I had my first at 18. I was then with a much older guy in my late 20s (he was 50) and we both really wanted a baby together and I had the whole “is he too old?” Dilemma. The relationship then died out and I think the pressure of the age thing was part of its failure tbh.
I’m now 32 and with a man who is also 32 and I’m now feeling myself that I’m getting ‘too old’ however we’ve only been together a few months so it’s all too early to start seriously considering ttc, it’s stesssful though knowing my time is slowly running out - ideally i didn’t want kids beyond 30, that then shifted to 35 but I’m only 2.5 years away from that deadline now....

Before birth control was reliable, women would have children right up to age 50. There wasn't this angst over 'was it too late' or what about old age- in fact life expectancy was so much lower.
Oh this is interesting, I never thought of this

That is sad sakura.
I know people have kids older for all kinds of reasons. But if I had the choice, I would not choose to have kids when I was older.

Everyone saying it is selfish to have children when you are older, until very recently most women kept on having babies until they were unable to conceive, my great Grandmother was one of 12, her mother only stopped having babies as she was widowed in her early forties. There was no effective birth control for much of the twentieth century. The advent of the pill policed women’s fertility, initially as women were pressured into taking it, and now because women who get pregnant at various points in their fertile span are called either feckless, if they are young, or selfish, if they are older.
There are advantaged and disadvantages to having babies at any age. My dds didn’t get much time with my parents, and that time was when they were both ailing. But dealing with ailing , elderly parents while teenagers had GCSEs and A levels would have been harder for me, possibly. I will have less time with my children, and i worry a lot about dying and leaving them motherless, of course, but I know families of all ages, including a very fit 80 year old man who cycles everywhere and looks ten years younger, who has a wife my age and a 20 year old son.
Health and accidents are both unpredictable.

I always thought I’d have kids before 30 but due to miscarriage it hasn’t worked out that way. I’m in my early 30s and starting to panic that I’m running out of time :(

Before birth control was reliable, women would have children right up to age 50. There wasn't this angst over 'was it too late' or what about old age- in fact life expectancy was so much lower.

Yes. My mum is certain she was a late accident. She was still unhappy at having such old parents and chose to have her children young. Also remember in general good parents are way more involved these days with their kids, and often have less of an extended family to plug any gaps. Many of those kids born to say a 50 year old woman, would have had plenty of extended family round to play with them and look after them.

One of the consistent risk factors for Autism is older Fathers, the risk is considerably more if the Father is over 40.

@Birdsgottafly you may know this but there is a theory that the connection between autism and older fathers is that men with autistic traits (perhaps very mild autism, not diagnosed) are more likely have difficulty finding a partner, take longer to do so and therefore partner later in life, thus end up being older fathers when they pass those traits on. So it's not that the same man could have a NT child earlier in life.

My personal cut off was 45, but my DH is currently 44 and I want to have more, so looks like that's going out the window. Yes, it's a shame he isn't younger, it's a shame he won't meet his grandchildren, etc, but as pp said the ship has sailed on being a young dad hasn't it.

Being an older parent isn't ideal but it's hardly so immoral that it's wrong to bring children in to that situation IMO. For me it's way way way down on the list of problems.

Health and accidents are both unpredictable.
Except the risks soar once you get older.

I think over 40 is too old.

My husband is older than me so we just got in a few months before he was 40 when we had ds.

My dad was 49 when I was born (mum much younger) and it is not nice having a parent that old when you are older. There are plenty of people my age whose parents were in their late 60s/early 70s when he was around 90. I do think people should consider beyond the baby/toddler stage when they have kids. Also if they also wait until they're 40, do you want to be a grandparent at 80? People are getting fitter, older, all the time, but you're still lucky if you make it to 80 and are still fit.

abacucat

And it is sad knowing that a parent will never meet their grandchildren, or if they are fortunate to do so, will not be capable of being an active grandparent.

I suppose it is sad, but sad enough you'd prefer not to exist? Many if not most people have at least one grandparent they never meet or hardly know due to poor health/mental decline or early death of GP, GP falling out with parent, living far away etc. It's actually extremely unlikely someone would have all four grandparents live nearby and stay physically and mentally healthy well in to old age. So I dont think this should be held up as the standard.

Yes I find it strange when people only consider the baby/toddler stage and say - well I ma fit enough to manage that. You have to think about when they are teenagers, young adults, GPs as well.

I was 38 when we had DC3 and DH 48. I thought with DC 3s schoolmate's parents we would be the exception in terms of our ages, but funnily enough there are actually loads of older dads (some significantly older than DH on 2nd families) & quite a few mums older than me!

A friend has just had her 3rd DC at 46, so it's not too late & obviously possible but you are aware the older you get the higher the risk & no-one can guarantee all will be well. Only you can decide OP, weighing up all the various pros and cons of age / finances / lifestyle etc. Personally I don't think you or your DH are "too" old.

buttered My mum can not remember any of her GPs. Yes I do find that sad. Both her parents had her very old - as I said a menopausal mistake. I also said that people have kids older for a number of reasons. But I would not choose to have kids older.

Also the higher risks of disability in your child as you get older would worry me.

I'm also not that sure that pre-Pill, that many women had kids into their 40s. My husband is the youngest of 4 children and his mum was 35 when she had him. He is 55 now so born before easily available contraception.

My mother is the youngest of five children and her mum was 35 when she had her.

My father was one of six children and his mother was around 38 when she had his youngest sister.

So on that very limited evidence, I'd say that most women stopped having kids in their 30s, not 40s.

My mad had me mid twenties then developed breast cancer in her fourties. I've ended up caring for her mother (my gran) since my early twenties because of this.

We can try and be as healthy as possible but luck is definitely a factor.

Yes it is a bit sad abacucat, and it's a completely fair choice not too have kids when older.

But I'm just saying its a really common situation to not really know or never meet at least 1-2 grandparents. In fact unless you live in a town where everyone has kids really early, and no one ever leaves, it's practically universal.

For example, if your in laws lived overseas, your kids are already missing two grandparents. Would you really give up having kids (if you otherwise wanted them) because of that?

@SirVixofVixHall it’s co suffered selfish because you leave your children with little family and little help. Loosing parents/caring for old parents/caribgfir youbger siblings if you parents die young/getting help through illness/with childcare is much easier when you have half a dozen or so siblings to share the burden. Children also received less parental care back then and sick parents were less likely to linger for years and years. Older children often helped parents rather than the other way around. Family life is very different these days to the point where I wonder whether there is any point in comparing.

@KatyWhatsit not necessarily. I had my children young (19 and 20). My mother died before the first was born. My father, while he wanted to help as much as possible couldn’t help much because he had to care for my grandmother. One of the reasons why I had children while I was young was so that I could be more helpful to my children when they had children (healthy enough to help with childcare/not be a burden, hopefully my father will be healthy enough not to require full time care yet, if my children follow my example I may even be able to help financially more than I could in retirement).

Yes it is common not to meet 1 GP, or not remember 1 or 2. And yes if you move overseas your kids may not know any of their GPs. This is not the only reason I would not choose to have kids older, but it adds to the reasons. Other reasons include increased risk of the child being disabled, and much increased risk of the child having a parent die or being chronically ill, when they are still young. My cut off would be 40.

He is 55 now so born before easily available contraception.

You can't be serious? If he was born in 1963/ 64, that was a time when contraception was available. The Pill, the diaphram, condoms.

Those with a cut off of 40 (quite a few of you) - what would you do then in my case, where I'm mid 30s but DH is mid 40s?