How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

Doubletrouble is spot on. OP, how is the health of your and your partner’s parents? Is there a history of dementia in either family, for example? Things like that are more relevant to your decision than the opinions of internet randoms!

I don’t think any of my generation will be retiring at 60. Our pension forecasts are 65-67 so dh and I said that 45-47 would be our cut off. Basically 20 years before retirement minimum.

We didn’t deliberately wait till we were older, we met older, and were very careful to keep fit as I know ds will be 12 when I’m 50 and I’ll need to keep up with him skiing and mountain biking.

Personally I don’t think I’d have a biological child past about 38, but that’s mostly because I found pregnancy hard enough at 25 (severe vomiting, gestational diabetes). I wouldn’t be judging anyone else though, yes there’s risks of parental ill health but I could be struck down by a bus tomorrow for all I know!

This is a piece of string question really.

I qualified, bought a property and married young and had all of my children in my twenties. I remember saying that I didn’t really want to be still having babies over 30 so that was the cut off for me. Had 100 things been different for me, I wouldn’t have said that though.

I think many of the posters have to bare in mind that the OP is using their opinions as a gauge as to whither or not she and her DH decide to have children. This is a massive decision and a very personal one. I feel strongly that all the posters who had their children younger and are fine with that are really of no help at all as that boat has sailed in the OP's life.

This is very true.

I don't think you can plan this through.You could be younger,in poor health.You could be younger and become unwell.You could remain in excellent health til your 80s.
I was 40 (DH is a year younger) when DS was born,he is now 18 and at uni.Health is a much lesser concern that the fact that retirement is looming,DH is job hunting after redundancy and older DC is still needing support.This is the only point so far when age has been an issue,and it's complicated by the fact that we have relationship issues too.The looming retirement could have been made easier by better financial planning,which neither of us are much good at! But I have never,ever regretted having DC,they are the best!
( When not behaving in ways that make me want to abandon them to the wolves! )
When they were younger age wasn't an issues at all.
And I have a friend whose DH is 20 years older,their DC was born when she was 35 so he must have been at least 55. That seems to have been fine for them,though he must be 80 now his health has been good.

Everything has pros and cons.The worst might,sadly,happen to you,or it might not.If you have your children young the worst might still happen.

Op you are young! Yes, people will tell you all sorts of horror stories about being over 30 but in reality you still have something like an 80% chance of getting pregnant in a year.

I just had my first at 36. Partner is 40. It might actually be good to have kids around when you are retired too. Better than having an empty nest. Plus 60s really isn’t old these days. Look at Madonna (ok maybe nit the best example!).

It took me ages to decide to have kids. But I’m so glad I did. They bring so much joy and better the devil you know.

Good luck!

My parents were oldish parents (37 and 41). At the time they were both fit and healthy. Their parents were between 24 and 35 when they had them. They were all fit and healthy at the time that I was born. From the age of about 5 I had to deal with regular hospitalisations of various family members (mostly my mother and grandmother at first). My mother had surgery three times and cancer twice by the time I was in my late teens. Between my grandparents they had 10 heart attacks/strokes by that time also. My parents both took on caring responsibilities for their parents starting from when I was about five. My mother died in my late teens. In my late teens also both grandmothers developed dementia and required constant care. My father had a few healthscares (which terrified me) when I was in my early twenties. I’m not even 25 yet and all I have left is my father who is a full time carer for my grandmother. I have suffered a lot of stress and bereavement over the past five years and I have had little support in terms of childcare, help while studying etc which I have seen other people have (and envied them to be honest). In the next five to fifteen years I will have to start taking on caring responsibilities for my father (depending on how his health holds out, I hope anddexpect it will be at least ten).

Having had my experience (and also the prospect of taking on caring responsibilities in my thirties/fourties) I wouldn’t have started having children after thirty if I could help it. Thirty five would probably be an absolute cut off if I was only having one child (it is easier to deal with if you have siblings). I wouldn’t have any after 40 at all unless my husband was 30 or under.

@Doubletrouble99 exactly, your post summed it up, thank you.

The crux is my DH's age, if I'm honest. I feel exactly the right age now. I wasn't ready before. But my DH's age worries me.

@Mrsfrumble health wise - DH is active & looks 35. He had a health MOT last year, passed with flying colors. His dad is in good health and his Grandad is in amazing health at 92, living independently tending to his 2 acre garden. He's from a long line of farmers, my grandparents died in their late 80s. No dementia/cancer/heart problems in either of our families, we're very lucky.

And you guys aren't just any internet randoms, you're the fabulous Mumsnet internet randoms!

My dad was 45 and 47 when he had DC. School friends thought he was my grandad which I found embarrassing. He did seem like he was going to live forever as he was active, he didn’t retire at 65 but was forced to retire at 67 as he failed his control and restraint course (psychiatric nurse).
He was noticeably ‘old’ when I went to university. And died at 72 from a disease that had no cause to it.

So obviously without him I wouldn’t be here but it ‘definitely’ influenced when I wanted to have children for ever since I can remember. I knew I’d have to have them young so they see their grandad, but I wasn’t in a position to have children before he died, so he never saw his grandchildren or his children get married. My mum was 16 years younger so we still have one parent.

So decide what fits your life, but don’t be offended if your children believe in something different. Eg I stopped having children at 33 because I didn’t want to be an old parent, but have plenty of friends that had DC in late 30’s/early 40’s. What I did tell myself is that at least he got to see his children grow up and maybe that was enough for him.

I don't think it is so much the age but the overall picture.
You say you are fit and healthy. For me a fit 45 yo with good diet and habits is absolutely not too old.
My dad died in his 40s, in an accident. You simply don't know what will happen. At your ages and how you describe yourselves, do you have a strong relationship? If you want this and have sat down and planned, don't let the age stop you
I a, 38 and DH is 41 and we want a second

My FIL was 51 when his youngest was born and had been mildly disabled since his teens (TB), but by all accounts he was an excellent father, very hands-on. Yes, he wasn't able to play football with dh in his 60s, but then, given his disability, he wouldn't have been able to when he was 25 either.

My ex-SIL was 45 when she had my dn: she was far fitter and more energetic than I was at 32. When he was in his teens she was still active and adventurous enough to take him inter-railing all over Europe summer after summer.

@Whatsnewwithyou My dad was 45 when I was born. He died when I was 18. I would still absolutely rather have had 18 years with him as my dad than 50 years with someone else!

I was a younger parent (20s) and had my last baby at 30. Certainly 30 was the cut off for me. I didn't want my children growing up with ageing parents. Although it totally depends on the individual.

Birth and recovery were 100x better at 20 than 30, so I can only imagine 40+.

Definitely positives and negatives to both. If it works for you, go with it.

I think starting a family any older than 45 is pretty selfish. And I think it should be made illegal for any woman over the age of 50 to have IVF or any other kind of help to concieve.

I met my DH at 39.5. We married at 41 and started TTC straight away. There seemed no apparent issues other than age but it didn't happen. We went straight to privately funded IVF and had twins a week before my 43rd birthday, DH was 44. It worked out for us but we were pushing it and had no time to 'wait and see'.

My twins will be 12 this year. I have never been mistaken for their grandparents (thank you Zara, salon cut and colours). My DH was football coaching yesterday and I was outside rthe changing room in H&M whilst DD was spending her Christmas vouchers. Another mum mum around mid 30s (similar aged DD) and I were both trying ro encourage a size up as everything fitted the girls like a snug glove.

Its more common now to become older parents. My children were toddlers when I read in the paper that the birth rate for women over 40 had over taken the birth rate for teenage pregnancy.

My biggest fear is the health factor. We are healthy now but my 85 is not. This will be my first proper year of the 'sandwhich' years twins going through puberty and mother with dementia. But almost all lives have their issues. A good few of my younger friend lost their parents early. But I have to be realistic, if my children wait till my age ro conceive then it is a possibility I won't be around.

There are pros and cons at any age, this thread proves that. There is no right time to have a baby, sometimes you have just got to close your eyes, hold your nose and jump of the cliff.

Good luck OP.

Being fit & healthy at 42 with a new born is fine, but you don’t stay 42 forever. I’ve lost count of the women I know who have developed breast cancer & other serious illnesses in their 50’s - I wouldn’t want to be going through that ( even if the outcome is good ) with a 12 year old. I know anyone can get I’ll at anytime, but the rates increase massively for the over 50’s.
Having said that, if I got accidentally pregnant in my 40’s I couldn’t terminate the pregnancy, I’d just hope for the best.

Personally not past 40 because my best friends parents were older parents and they died when she was 18. It was bloody awful for her as she was an only child too but luckily she had my families support.

One thing that strikes me here is something no one has mentioned.
Those posters who had children young, I bet your parents (who might be in the 60s or older) are looking after your children!

There is a lot of ageism here about 'the elderly' yet many of the friends or people I know in their 60s / 70s are working AND doing childcare for their grandchildren - running around after toddlers!!!

My parents had their 2nd child at almost 38. It wasn't considered old even then (50+ years ago.) At the time, a friend's mum had her 3rd at 40.

Before birth control was reliable, women would have children right up to age 50. There wasn't this angst over 'was it too late' or what about old age- in fact life expectancy was so much lower.

I think you just have to get on with it. Parents can die at any age- I've got friends who were born to young parents and lost them to cancer when they (the child) was in their 30s. I have friends who have parents aged 90 and the child (like me) is in their 60s.

My friend had hers at 21 and 27 and has had major strokes, traumatic injury, been paralysed etc, all of which has put major stress on her children. Two of my friends, in their mid-thirties have recently had their mothers die and both were at least ten years younger than my “older” Mum who was 39 when she had me. I used to look at their mum’s and wish mine was as young so she’d be around longer.

You just never know what is going to happen. Having kids in your 20s doesn’t guarantee you’ll be healthy and around to see grandchildren at 50, sadly. My Grandmother was almost 40 when she had her last and died at 93, living totally independently until 86.

I wanted to have my children at 24 and 25/26. Life didn’t work out that way for me. I’m single and will turn 35 next month. I don’t want a future without children. I can’t get excited about a pregnancy at 40 or older just because I know that I’m already feeling more knackered than I did 5 years back and I want to have lots of energy to have fun with my children. So 39 is probably my cut off. That being said, at 40 I’d consider adopting older children as I just know a life without children, for me, would be worthless. I have seen wonderful mothers who had their biological children in their 40s and would never judge. Each to their own.

How much would you regret not having children OP? If you can’t see a future without them, go for it. If not, think about how else you’d see your life going and make that happen.

Also, comments made by someone who is currently in their 20's saying they wouldn't have children in their 30's/40's are completely irrelevant - that may be your opinion right now, but circumstances (and relationships!) change!

(And that's coming from a 39 year old who said I'd never be an older parent - and now have a 16, 10, 15month and 3 week old) -

My mum had my youngest sister at 48. She's now 61 and my sister is 13. She's a bit older than most mums but doesn't look her age, is very fit and healthy (works out a lot, always has done). The dad (my step dad) is about 4 years younger. They cope ok. So I think it depends how fit and healthy you are. If it had been my dad it wouldn't have been a good idea because he was a heavy drinker and smoker and died at 61.

DH and I are both 28 (29 this spring) and I’ve never wanted kids, while he has been on the fence. Recently he had been making noises about having one when we are ‘about 45’. I laughed in his face!

I told him that if I hadn’t come around to the idea and gotten pregnant by 38 I don’t want one at all. Having discussed the risks of older pregnancies, he has since agreed.

Life expectancy for men is almost 85 so anyone having a child at 45 could be around for some time!
Life expectancy for men already older is 79.

I know lots of people always say on these threads that it does not matter, and older people can be fit and active. But I know from both my mum and my DP that older parents even when they are healthy is different from younger parents. People do get set in their ways when older. It does not matter so much when they are young kids, it really matters when they are teenagers.

Also for most people their parents have a relatively long period of slow cognitive and/or physical decline. So my mother in her mid 70s is physically fine, but struggles with memory and gets anxious about any changes. I know my mum effectively looked out for her mum since being a young adult, and lost her dad when she was still a teenager. I think simply thinking of life expectancy is foolish.

And it is sad knowing that a parent will never meet their grandchildren, or if they are fortunate to do so, will not be capable of being an active grandparent.
My mum had her DCs young because of her experiences of older parents. And I think DP has really missed out by having older parents.
DPs parents were very fit - still working on the farm till they were both 70.