How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

I was 37 and my dh was 46 when we had our last child. He’s a fantastic dad. Tbh I am surprised how many parents of our age are at the school gates now. We don’t feel out of place at all. I think many people are having children later now. Good luck.

Ha ha typo - I was 41! he was 1

Ah op, you haven’t missed it ! You are a great age to have a baby, and i know several fathers much older than your dh. Why not try ? I had both mine in my forties, and yes it is tiring, I would rather have had them younger but I was single. I am very grateful to have had them at all.

I should have added that our youngest is now 8, making us 45 and 54.

I had my last when I was 44, DH was 49. We don't feel too old.

Put it this way, I had mine at 38 and 40 and that’s considered normal nowadays .

I’m the second oldest mum at the junior school gates. 50 with a 9 year old.

I was pregnant again at 46, but didn’t expect her to last and she didn’t at around 10 weeks.

I’ll be in my early 60s when my kids turn 20. That doesn’t seem too bad. If spud had pulled through, I’d be in my early 60s with a very young teenager. That’s a lot more worrying to consider.

Don’t underestimate what peri menopause can do to you in terms of dealing with babies and young children. It’s like having insomniac flu on a hot beach in a sandstorm with Delhi belly and no emergency igloo.

Congratulations @Megan2018, I hope it works out for you. I was 3 weeks shy of my 41st birthday when I had my second child. I know someone who has just become a dad for the first time at 48. Not too old!

One of the consistent risk factors for Autism is older Fathers, the risk is considerably more if the Father is over 40.

My DH was older than me and I do wonder if my youngest's Autism was anything to do with his age. I'm sorry we had the age gap we did, in hindsight. Just to lesson the risk.

My Mum was in her 40's when she had me. She had a hard time recognising how the World had moved on and bringing me up with an open mind. She had a lot of old fashioned views.

I think there's a lot you can do to keep your mind, view and knowledge of the World, Society etc 'young' and you should actively do that.

I know people in their early 60's who have parented Teens really badly because they haven't got a clue about life in schools etc. Their Teens experiences are so far removed from theirs and the Parents just won't except that's how things are.

it the old days (quaky voice :) )women continued to have babies until they couldn't -often the youngest child was the same age as the first grandchild. It certainly happened in my grand parents generation (a close relative) so women would have children up to their late 40's & men in general were older. If you have made financial planning in case "something happens" & you give your dc love & security & you both want it & your are in good health - go for it & I say this as someone who lost a parent while I was in my teens (& they weren't retirement age) its the quality & good memories I cherish! :)

My personal cutoff for me is 37, my husband is the same age as me. My parent’s accidentally got pregnant and had my sister a few months short of my mum’s 40th bday and my dad was 42. This was the early 90s so not as common as it is today to have children so late. Friend’s that hadn’t seen them in a while and saw them out with a baby assumed it was their first grandchild (my brother was only 15, but I guess they thought he was older), old ladies in the street would say “are you looking after her for the day?” My poor mum would reply “yeah” to save the awkwardness.

My parent’s didn’t have the same energy or enthusiasm to do things with my sister, they didn’t want to go to a water park or ice skating etc. Holidays they wanted to read a book in peace, not be in the sea surfing as they did with my brother and I in their 20s/early 30s. So based on that generally speaking children over 40 probably is a bit selfish.

My cutoff was 35 originally but I’m 35 now and unless I get pregnant in the next week (I’m not trying yet!) I’m going to be over 35when we have our third and final child. Of course it’s nothing to do with anyone else what age you have children, I’d never ever voice these opinions openly.

Dartilla - I think you are being far too hard on yourself. What on earth has being shy got to do with being a good parent?
The fact that your DH is in his mid 40s really isn't a problem at all. Give yourselves a break. You are condemning yourselves to a childless existence just because of numbers and convention. Age is just a number. the fact that you know that your DH would make a great dad is all that counts as far as he is concerned and the description you have written about yourselves sound like you would be idea too.

Go for it for goodness sake, and ignore the nay sayers.

As someone who's DH was considerably older than yours when we had our last (I am only 7 years younger) and we are now in our 60s. I really think we know what we are talking about we have lived it.

I’m the second oldest mum at the junior school gates. 50 with a 9 year old.

That’ll be me in a couple of years, but I think I might be the eldest mum.

For me, mid 30s (I had my last at 35 1/2). I lost my Dad at age 22, and three of my grandparents in their early 40s too so this obviously coloured my view.

I think it is down to the person rather than age. My parents were 19 when I was born and they were selfish. By the time they were in their mid to late 20s all they wanted to do was go out every weekend and I was left with any Tom Dick or Harry. I am an older parent and my parenting skills are totally different.

Personally I couldn't imagine anything worse than having a baby past 30. The thought terrifies me and is one of the reasons I got sterilised at 28. I do have 2 dc and had them when I was young and they will be in their 20s when I'm in my 40s - perfect to me.

My dad was 45 when I was born. He died when I was 18. I would still absolutely rather have had 18 years with him as my dad than 50 years with someone else!

It’s such a stupid question
There are good parents and shit parents
End of.

I had my first at 38 and am now ttc at 43! DH is 5 years younger than me. We're knackered like all parents, but in a financial and emotional place to be the best parents we can now.

A friend of mine had her last one at 49. She’s very fit and healthy, wealthy, looks 10 years younger, , and there is great longevity in their family. Her mum is still actively involved in high level boards at 83 and her grandmother died a few years ago at 101. It works for her. She was married to a high flying coke head in her 20s and 30s and travelled a lot for work. It was only when she met her current husband in her late 30s that having kids even became an option for her.

My DSis just had a baby at 46, no father present/involved, it was an affair. Secretly, I think it is far too old and selfish. She is relying on my parents for childcare most of the time and about to hit perimenopause (I've just gone through it and am just a year older than her) and can't think of anything worse than to have a young child while in menopause

However, you are still so young OP. I had DD at 37 and DH was 53.

Worked out great!

Mummyshark do you genuinely think that because one set of older parents haven’t the energy to do stuff with their dc that they all don’t? Your post stood out for me because at almost 50 I still went ice skating with my dc during the holidays, took them to theme parks (including a water park!) in the summer and manage to do my reading in the evenings or when it’s dh’s turn to do stuff with them. We had 15 years as adults to relax and get drunk and do what we wanted, we can focus on our children now. Ones I might feel sorry for are families like my mum who had babies as a young woman and also as an older one, no “free” decade at all for herself!

And I had my last at 40. I go ice skating and swimming and all the usual stuff with them. I’m not the oldest mum at the school gates but I live in an area with a lot of older mums so it’s not weird or unusual.

I had my first at 19. Second at 25. I then got pg at 44 but lost her at 14!weeks.

I'm now 46 and I'm open to having another. I'd love to. I'm leaving it to fate. I'm probably way too old to even conceive but if I did I would love another.

DH was 44 and I was 38 when our third and last child was born. It has worked out fine for us.

DH retired when he was 59 and DS3 was still at school but it meant he could do the school run which was great, as I would have struggled doing it and getting to work on time. (DS3 has ASD so was not able to use the bus).