How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

To all the people saying their "cut-off" is 30, or 35 or whatever - congratulations. You managed to meet your partner and have your children when you were younger so you can claim this magical age after which you think it's selfish/silly/unfair to have children.

Well, not everyone has the luxury of having life work out perfectly.

I've just given birth to my first. I'm 37, DH is just 50. Our baby is perfect and gorgeous and much-loved. We tried for 3 years to get pregnant and had one mc. Would I have preferred to marry and have children aged about 30? Yes. But my life didn't run to that timescale. Fortunately, I now have my longed-for baby and yes, my DH may well be, in age, the oldest dad in the playground when it comes to school, but he doesn't look it or act it and I doubt anyone will ever realise. He has just as much love for our baby as any 20-year-old has for theirs. Yes, he could die before the child is an adult but that's the same for anyone. My gran was 22 when she had my mum but died aged 55, having a child young didn't prevent her early passing.

OP - if you want a child then you need to ignore people telling you you're too old, or older than they would like to be to have a child. Because you're not too old. But if you really, really want it then you need to go for it, or one day you'll wake up and realise you've missed your chance and the regret could be massive.

Best of luck with whatever decision you make and I hope your future is happy!

Round of applause for LittleScottieDog...

My husband was 59 when we had our last, and he's fit and healthy, goes to the gym most days. He did well with his career and took early retirement a couple of years ago so has unlimited time available for the kids. So in terms of time spent with them, he is comparable with a younger Dad who might be at work all day every day.

I don't think there's an actual cutoff point, apart from menopause, which makes pregnancy physically impossible. I had my last DC at 40 and it exhausted me and aged me - I started having aches and pains, my BP shot up and needed to be controlled with meds, I needed to stop working for much longer. I don't regret having him for a moment but I knew that I was "done" with pregnancies and sleepless nights!

I had mine at 34 and 36, and wish it had been 32 and 34. But all in all very happy to have kids in my mid thirties as I’d got the travel/party bug out of my system, and in my area I am completely average in terms of parental age.

You're over-thinking it. Just have a baby.

I think it's up to the parents and a very individual decision. For me the cut off was 30 although I had a little mishap and my youngest was born when I was 32. I was the oldest mum on the maternity ward by several years when I had him and now he's at school I'm older than most of his classmates mums too.

My dad was 51 when they had me. Doubly bad as they had no bloody money.

He really didn’t seem as old as he was. But even if you thought he was a younger age, that younger age was still old for a dad of young children.

He was not as engaged as younger dads, he had (to the end) out of date ideas of parenting, and at a certain age you suddenly age very quickly.

For most - you are guaranteeing your child will lose their parent in their 20s. Stop with the bollocks of “that might not happen/ well that happens to lots of people”. You make the choice, fine, but know what you’ve done to your DC - and in most cases, they’ll get my experience. Oddly enough, a bunch of us at uni had older dads - out of 8 of us, all our “don’t they seem younger” dads died in our 20s/early 30s. And yes, all had healthy lives.

In my case, it meant no DF at graduation, no DF at family weddings, he won’t be a grandfather, and I can’t remember the last time I didn’t actually think of him (subconsciously) as being the old man that lived in the house rather than a dad

Sorry I think it is rarely true the - they seem younger than they are. They may be fit and healthy for their age, but they also have the social attitudes of an older generation. So someone in their 60s with teenagers is not going to be the same as someone in their 40s with teenagers.

whatsnewchoochoo
My dad was 45 when I was born. He died when I was 18. I would still absolutely rather have had 18 years with him as my dad than 50 years with someone else!

What an absolutely lovely thing to say

can't think of anything worse than to have a young child while in menopause
I can - going through the menopause without the daughter I adore.

I had DD at 41 and had an earlyish menopause (46). Breezed through it and am now a happy, energetic mum to a happy energetic 14 year old.

I'd just say again, that whilst it is more likely that if you have children in your mid or late 40s that a parent will die while the children are in their 20s or 30s and if course that is sad (the death of a parent at any age is sad and difficult) I really don't think this is a reason not to have children at that point.
It will be difficult and having something happen which isn't happening to most makes it more difficult. That said, it might have been unusual for adults in our age groups, but it will be far less unusual for those children born to 40+ now as there are so many of them. And whilst it will still be more common, most will still have parents alive into their 30s. And lastly, I think we have a trend of infantantalising young adults at the moment. Those in their 20s and 30s are adults. They may have been out if education for less time than in the past but they are adults and actually they can cope with what is a difficult time if bereavement of a parent. It will be difficult, but it's difficult for those that it happens to in their 50s and 60s too. I think that often those who track everything bad that happened in their life back to having an older parent are firstly very few, but also perhaps tend to focus in on this one cause, when in fact there may have been multiple issues in their lives and simply having an older mum or Dad was not the cause of everything that happened.

Again, it's about measuring the risk, it's severity and liklihood. There is certainly more risk of your children not having you as long if you're older when you become a parent. The grandchildren might not see you or see you for less time. These are realities and might be factors that make someone who already has 2 children decide to stop and not have a 3rd at 45, but for someone who has not yet had the opportunity to have children and for whom a child at 42 is the only chance to have a family, then they may well be risks worth taking, and that child will be able to have a happy childhood and lengthy enough relationship with their parents to make it very much a 'worthwhile' venture.

People forget that often we are talking about a choice between becoming an older parent or not being a parent at all. In the end, no children ask to be born, it is always the parents choice, and a very wanted child born to older parents, in my view, in a time when health is better and people live longer and people are active for longer can provide great parenting and adult children can and have to cope with the loss of a parent at some stage. If we are in our 40s or 50s and had older parents, our experience will have been very different to that of today's babies with parents I their 40s - it is a different world and will be in another 20 years.

Go for it! We had our 3rd just before I turned 30 and my DH turned 40. If money was no object I’d have another now at 32 and 42.

my youngest was born when I was 32. I was the oldest mum on the maternity ward by several years when I had him and now he's at school I'm older than most of his classmates mums too.

It really depends where you live and on your social circle.

Most of my friends had children after 30 or late 20s.
I meet many older mothers or fathers. Some with older children, and second marriages but not all.

It’s interesting, I don’t have children yet due to losses unfortunately so things haven’t worked out the way I hoped yet. but younger friends (I’m early 30s) say they are the youngest amongst the mums at their kids schools (they are mid to late twenties) and that most of the mums are mid 30s onwards. I wonder if it also depends on the area you live in!

I think it’s all very well having a cut off and you’re very lucky if your plans worked out that way, but if like me you’ve had problems trying to have a successful pregnancy, you don’t want to give up just because you’ve reached a certain age. My midwife told me I was still young with plenty of time after my last loss - obviously she was trying to buoy my spirits but I do think she genuinely meant what she was saying.

ChocolateWombat

Several people have posted here about their honest experience of having older parents, with most of us talking about some of the difficulties we encountered. It doesn't mean that we blame our parents for everything that has gone wrong in our lives FFS. It does however mean our childhoods were different to most - seems some on here just don't want to hear it though, which would suggest a level of selfishness.

Also, it's easy to pontificate about how people on their 20s should be fine with losing a parent or becoming a carer at a young age, when you clearly haven't experienced it yourself. To claim that losing a parent at 20 is comparable to losing one at 50 is just utterly ridiculous. The 50 year old has had an extra 30 years with their parent, got more quality time with them when they were younger and got the chance to set up their own life before having to deal with health issues, caring responsibilities, etc. My dad got dementia when I was in my early 20s and it's really really shit. I've spent the prime years of my life looking after him and my mum at huge personal cost to myself. It would be nice if people would actually listen to what those of us with older parents are saying, rather than having our views dismissed because it's not the picture of sunshine and roses that some want to imagine.

The problem is with a cut off at 40 is that is you haven't conceived at 40, you just think one more month - one more month. Thats what I did and I had my 3rd at 41, and he was such a joy and I felt so young that I decided to have another as company for him as my first 2 were much older- hence 4th at almost 44.
They bring me joy - and worry and I love them dearly but I do think I was about 5 yrs too old and 40 IS a good cut-off for extending your family but if you're childless and want to try at 40+ then I can totally understand why you would keep trying.

sakura It is simply because some people don't want to hear it.

School gate age definitely depends on area.
Middle class areas of North London definitely average early to mid 30's for first time mothers - any in their 20's would stand out as very young.

That was me Tiger, in Islington too. Found it impossible to make mum-friends my age. They were mainly in their thirties and above - though I did make good friends, took a bit longer though.

My dad was 36 when I was born. 43 when my younger brother was born.
He died when we were in our 40s.
He was a great dad and was able to support the grandchildren because he was retired when they were young. My mum too.

There will also be many people with good experiences of older parents.

And the adult life expectancy is not 50s or 60s. Most people with children (I.e. adults) will live beyond their 80s.

As others have pointed out what makes at good parent is not age. It could be argued that many young parents are still too focused in their own lives and freedom.

Average life expectancy is 79 for men and 82 for women. This is based on an estimate of how long a baby born this year would live.
If a man makes it to 60, his average life expectancy is 78 years old (a fair few men die before 60).
In Scotland life expectancy is 2 years less.

I find people in general have a distorted view of average life expectancy. Because they know people who lived into their late 90s they think that average life expectancy is much higher than it actually is.

In the UK, for a 60yo male, life expectancy is 82.44 years.

www.riskprediction.org.uk/index_lifeexp.php

I took my figures from the Office of National Statistics - so compiled by the Government.