How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

My dad had his last two children at 46 and 48. Growing up he wasn't too old although frequently confused as being our grandfather which was embarrassing for us.
Since he turned 70 he's needed considerably more help from us which we found difficult as our friends didn't have that same tie to their parents. For me it's more odd now, for instance DH is 6 years older than me but my father is the closer in age to DH's grandparents rather than my in-laws.

However I do think that now it's slightly more acceptable to have children at a much older age and I think it'll be more common when your possible future DC's are older.

@Dartilla

Patenting isn’t all idyllic, you are right. But neither it is all sleepless nights and worrying. (Like you don’t worry your H has been run over by a car every time he leaves home).
It’s a balance of great and difficult, fun and boring.
Just like life.

For me personally I didn't want to be over 30. I don't want to be dealing with the school run into my 40s and dealing with teens in my 50s/60s.

Unless you were late 30s, the school run would still be in your 30s and the teens would still be in your 40s/50s.

Reportedly, children of parents over 30 are more intelligent, etc. So, there are benefits for waiting a bit longer to be a parent.

Parents have always had children at older ages (unless they stopped having sex), including their 40s. The main difference to older generations is the age of the first child.

I was 35 and my DH was 43 when we had our first. We'd like more and we're turning 38 and 46 next year. I think 50 is probably our limit for him.

Reportedly, children of parents over 30 are more intelligent, etc. So, there are benefits for waiting a bit longer to be a parent.

Just wanted to flag this up. In my dd1's class, out of the four most able children, three had parent who were 20 or under when they were born. Just saying.

And I call your anecdotal evidence with this

academic.oup.com/ije/article/46/3/850/2977842

"for the 2000–2002 cohort study maternal ages 35–39 were positively associated with cognitive ability (β = 0.16 SD 95% CI: 0.09, 0.23). For maternal ages 40+, the pattern was qualitatively similar. (...) was associated with socioeconomically advantaged family background."

@Troelsismyname oh not at all, you hit the proverbial nail, it took 13 pages and your pointing it out to see it! Thank you.

I am used to going with my gut feelings/instincts, but this has me decidedly un-gut-lead. I had a pretty bad childhood myself so I think that may affect my judgement and make me more hesitant.

There are lots of reasons not to have children, too. Really it doesn't make practical sense! And I completely understand why couples decide to stay child-free. But behind the logic, the reasoning and the responsibility is that bright image of those lovely, muddy welly boots.

There is a correlation between age of having a first baby and intelligence, not a causal link. It isn't because the parents are older that they have children with higher average intelligence (and it's an average before anyone jumps on this - of course lots of children born to younger mothers are as clever or cleverer) but that women who have children later have are on average more intelligent and highly educated themselves, as are their partners. Their children would have been equally intelligent if born to those women younger, but those women tend to stay in education and then work longer, which delays them having children.

So being older doesn't MAKE your children brighter, but older mothers are statistically more likely to have brighter children, if that's the age of their first child - doesn't make any difference if it's your subsequent children.

Again, many many factors make up favourable or unfavourable circumstances to grow up in/parenting of both children and adult children. Age is one of them. There are many others which will have equal or bigger impacts. And again, personal preference for having children younger or older, or knowing people who are finding parenting hard who are younger/older are just personal experiences and don't mean EVERYONE should make their decisions based on those observed patterns, or that everyone will have those same experiences.

I wonder how many of those who have been quite adamant that beyond 40 is a bad idea or even selfish, know many who became parents in this age group, or is there something about just being comfortable with what we know and our peer group?

It is interesting hearing from those adults who themselves were children of older parents, both those who hated it and those who found it no issue. I guess for current adults it was far less common. Give it another 10 or 20 years and it will be far more common for adults to have had older parents. We will then hear more about what it was like to grow up with a parent in their 50s and if dealing with health or death related issues in younger adulthood seemed much more traumatic than dealing with those issues a decade later.

Most situations are not ideal. We weigh the pros and cons and the risks and the liklihood of the risks becoming reality and we choose. And in the end, that pull to parenthood for many (not all) is very strong and will keep people pro-creating whilst it's physically possible. Older parenthood, with all its pros and cons will become more the norm and society will learn to live with those pros and cons, in the same way that it did when industrialisation meant people could afford to marry younger and so early parenthood became more prevalent.

My husband is a stem cell scientist working on paternal age effect. Takong personal emotions out of the equation, for me 35 for a female and 40 for a male woyld be my cut off to avoid risk of mutations in the egg/sperm that cause genetic disorders such as achondraplasia, Apperts syndrome, down syndrome etc. Not saying i wouldn't keep and love a child with thise or other genetic issues, but I wouldn't deliberately plan a pregnancy at the ages where those risks increase dramatically. That is easy for ke to say though as our children came when we were in our 20's. My siblings are in their early 30's and whilst I'd be happy for my husband to reel off all the risk factors and possible issues if they asked, I wouldn't try to discourage them from making a family and deny them the pleasures of children if they were late 30's, early 40's. I would think tbey are a bit mad though... i couldn't imagine starting over now at 38... too knackered.

ChocolateWombat

I agree with all that. And the conclusion in the article did point out that the main factor was economic, really, not age.

I was just pointing out that there are benefits to leaving child bearing to a later age. It's not just doom and gloom and tiredness. :)

Love the fact I had my two in my twenties as (barring catastrophe) and apart from all the fun we've had so far I will be in their lives and my future grandchildrens' lives should they choose to have children, as long as possible. That to me is invaluable.

There's never a consensus on this. Loads of opinions and experiences and no right or wrong answers.

You're 34 - to me you're young in the child-bearing world! I had my first at 33, second at 38 and third at 41. To me your 30s is the optimal decade to be having kids so don't be writing it off. From your opening post I thought you'd be mid 40s with a 70 year old husband.

I'm now 51 with a 10 year old in primary school (dh is the same age). And we're not the oldest parents at the school. I wouldn't be remotely bothered by your and your dh's ages. If you want kids, go for it. And don't assume it won't happen for you easily. With my last (so aged 40) I decided to give it 6 months of trying and then let it go if I wasn't pregnant. I was pregnant 2 week later.

Best of luck!!

The genetic bit, especially the link to autism with older dads would be a big concern since you can’t do genetic testing for it.

You're worrying over nothing. 46 is no age at all for a father. My dh and I have kids of 23,20,18 and 8 years old. I am 44 and he is 62. Yes there is a chance he won't see her children born but my Grandfather never saw my Mum get married as he died in his early 50's. My best friend never saw her daughter get beyond 6 years of age because she died of cancer.
Life is a gamble but having a child with 20 years of working life ahead of you is not what I'd call a risk.

DH was 46 and 47 when ours were born. I was a lot younger. I wanted to be done by 30, he said no more after 50, and we were.

It's worked out ok. No one thinks he's the DC's granddad .

I conceived naturally at 45.

Nowhere near too late. Our DCs are grown up now but I was 42 and DH was 53 when we had DC4.

I think your real dilemma is whether you want to have a child - if you do, then having a DH in his mid-40s is really not a dealbreaker!

I had older parents and am an older mum myself. In fact, I had my son at the same age (37) that my mum had me. I think my outlook and lifestyle is much younger than hers was, though - we are all so much busier, active and social these days. DH is two years older and both of us are loving being parents. We have money, time and patience, and we don't mind giving up a decade or so of posh dinners, lie-ins and holidays because we did so much of that before DS was born. We hope to have a second, by which time DH would be close to your DH age. We don't foresee any problems other than the omnipresent risk of ill-health but for a fit man in his 40s, that is very low.

However, I'd say 40s seems a good cut-off for both parents. My father was 54 when I was born and that age gap did cause problems - not just the granddad embarrassment of my teens but sheer inability to communicate across the generations. He was of the 'children should be seen and not heard' school, his word was law etc. We had a terrible relationship that never recovered. However, he outlived my lovely mum by 15 years - she never made it to 60. My DH's parents had him in their 20s but his dad was dead at 44. You just can't say what will happen.

What I do know is that deciding to have our son was the best choice DH and I ever made. Our childfree life was easy and lazy and comfortable, but our sleep-deprived, home-centred, noisy and chaotic toddler life is full of these incredible moments of joy. Think of those little boots by the door and times that fuzzy feeling in your stomach by 1000 and maybe that might come close to a cuddle from my little boy.

Good luck with your decision - but don't get hung up on age. It's not at all the most important thing.

Maybe that image is the gut feeling I'm talking about? If it really persists, that might be your answer. You have all the practical arrangements in place and so you sound as ready as anyone can be. It is definitely is not a logical decision, you are banking on the love for your child trumping
all the freedom and perks of a child free life. I understand that having a difficult childhood makes it harder, perhaps you want to do things better or are afraid you won't be able to? But we are all winging it all the time, honestly! Best of luck with your decision

45 would be my cut off point

Dartilla just responding to your question (will read the full thread later as I’m interested in people’s responses).. it’s great - ups and downs and everything in between. Being 34 is hardly prohibitive to having a baby from an age perspective IMO. I get your concern with an older partner though. TBH I was stupid and really didn’t even think about it at the time I fell pregnant with our DD (aged 32 and 43). I dunno, I don’t really think 45 is that old nowadays. In saying that personally we need to get our family complete ASAP as we wouldn’t want to be too much older than we already are. In short, I wouldn’t let your partners age stop you ttc if you both want a baby. The longer you leave it the older you’ll get 🤷🏼‍♀️ Also no concerns with tiredness, not being able to keep up etc with my DP, he still thinks (and acts like ) he’s 25.

If your DH is a fun, loving, open minded 60 odd year old dad of teens, who cares?! My DH will be 64 when our youngest is 18. They have a wonderful relationship and will no doubt continue to do so

My mum was 42 when she had me and I always vowed I wouldn’t be as old when I had my dc. It was very hard as a child to have parents older than everyone else’s and they haven’t been as hands on with my kids as with their other (much older) grandchildren.
I was 30 and 33 when I had mine. I do wish we’d had a 3rd when I was in my 30s but circumstances didn’t allow and I wouldn’t now, at 43, although it is more common now so wouldn’t stand out as much as in the 80s when I was growing up.