How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

If it's what you both want I see absolutely no reason to not go for it!

40 would probably have been my cut off too, but we aimed for around 35/36 to be "done".

surferjet My mum was born to her 46 year old mother. If my gran was alive she would be 118. So yes it did happen, but much more rarely.

I think it's strange that so many posters on this thread seem to just reiterate the fact that ill health or even death can strike at any age so therefore maternal/paternal age is irrelevant. This is so incredibly misleading as in reality it's obvious that the older we are when we have our children directly impacts how much time our DC or DGC get to spend with us and have healthy parents or grandparents in their lives.

It's completely pointless to point out that Mary down the road had DC at 21 and died immediately afterwards and that Peter had kids at 60 and is going strong 40 years later, statistics and trends don't lie and these cases are going to be the exception and not the rule. We can all do what we can to maintain good health however at the end of the day the vast vast majority of us will experience our best health in our relative youth and our worst in our old age and there are so many genetic and external factors at play when it comes to health that the sad truth is we have very limited control over our healthy life expectancy.

I'm not really sure what my own personal cut off point is in terms of what I would consider to be too old, but I do think that there does have to be a point where the age of the parents means that the risk of a child losing a parent at a young age or becoming a child carer for an aged parent becomes too great and the decision to have children is therefore ultimately a selfish one.

I personally, have never met ( or even heard of ) a woman who had a baby naturally past about 43 in my entire adult life

Well done you. I'm the living, breathing proof that this happens and before it was trendy and cool. It sucks.

Bumpity Totally agree. Of course people can die young but it's very much the exception.

But the point in that comment is that you can't just take age as the only factor. If you are 45, obese, smoke like a chimney & at risk of heart attack, then yeah becoming a parent is probably not a wise idea. But if you are 45 & are healthy, have good mobility etc then the number shouldn't (imo) be the main focus.

We had children in our 20s. We then had the last one at 43/45. The pregnancy was harder in my 40s; at 8+ months in pregnancy 3 I climbed Glastonbury Tor with my toddlers, while with the last one I didn't have the energy to walk to the town at lunchtime.

I'm now 55 and youngest is 11. She does loads of activities and I take her to all of them, and join in some of them. We went ice-skating at Christmas, and to Disney in the summer. We probably have more money now than when the others were little. For me, obviously the biggest difference is to go from several similar-aged children to just one, so it isn't a direct comparison. She's a velcro child so there is a lot of where are you/what you doing/ hug me/talk to me that I didn't get from the others.

My only regret is that DH is really not as involved with this one as he was with the others. They all remember a fun, hands-on dad who was always there for them. This one will have a memory of a miserable old bugger who is either at work, asleep, or looking at his phone. Sadly I didn't know when we had her that we would have to move and that changes to his job would impact so much on us. But then none of us know what is around the corner.

As far as health is concerned, my dad was 29 when I was born and died when I was in my early 30s. My maternal grandparents lived until 92. DH's were much older parents than mine but his dad survived mine by 20 years. Nobody could have foreseen that.

I think the cut off date for a woman is when she feels too old, or after the menopause. There is no cut off date for a man. 2 of my children are autistic, but their father was in his 20s when they were conceived. If you both want a child and are in a position to be able to provide for it then I would say go for it, and don't worry about age.

The trouble is I can see two lives, now that we're at these ages - one where we have a family, and another where we don't.

If I was suddenly pregnant today, I'd be so excited and we'd then move to an area with great schools/opportunities for them and be closer to other family.

If I was told today conception was impossible, I'd accept that and probably look to start a new career, or move abroad, something to fill my time.

So this is a life-changing decision. I feel everything is on hold. DH's age is a big factor, where my worries are settling.

And neither option of family/no family looks happier/unhappier to me. I can see pros/cons both ways.

It's our future child/children I want to take into consideration, because it won't just be about us anymore if we had them. Does that make sense?

I know we can handle young babies/toddlers now, we both have so much energy and are healthy. But it's the projection of a 15yo against a 60yo DH that I'm seeing, thinking it's not fair on the 15yo to have a parent whose health is inevitably at risk of declining.

Does everyone think this much and weigh everything up before having DCs or am I a big fat over-thinker?

bumpity People don't like to face the fact they will get old and have health issues. They would rather deny facts and say things like, well I exercise, eat healthy, etc. My mum was the same, until she slowly became crippled with arthritis.

@Dartilla

Massive overthinker. Just get on with it woman! There is literally no reason at all not to try.
I didn't want kids in my 30's, met now DH at 35. I find myself pg now at 41. Wish I'd just got on with it sooner.

I personally, have never met ( or even heard of ) a woman who had a baby naturally past about 43 in my entire adult life

Really?!! Only two of my 'mum friends' conceived under 43 and all DC were conceived naturally. (Even the younger ones were over 35!). I'm the only one of us who couldn't conceive at that age (early menopause) so chose to adopt.

We originally hoped to adopt an older child (school age) but were selected to adopt two young babies. Interestingly, we were selected over younger adopters as age was only a very small consideration in the selection process and we were considered the best fit overall for our specific children in terms of meeting their needs most effectively.

Megan2018 that made me smile! You could be right. Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

I don't know about other people, but I for one was a big fat underthinker. I think of having children as essentially selfish, and knew that having children abroad with a non-Brit would put me at certain risks, but decided not to think about that too much and went ahead and had two.

Are you sure you'd be equally happy going both directions? You sound like you love adventure, and that's easier, and easier to finance, without children. Would you really be happy with a more sedate life? And you say you'd be fine without children, but are you just convincing yourself that's the case to avoid disappointment, for instance?

I was reading only this morning about difficult it is for Millennials to move out of their parents houses, so I'm thinking new parents will become older in many cases.

I was 27 when I got married. That was an age considered relatively old to get married then but relatively young now. And yes I know one doesn't have to be married to have a baby, I'm just using this as a yardstick to different times different perceptions.

As what my mum called 'a career woman' I would not have considered having a baby before 30 and I've always believed it's best to go do stuff before starting a family if you actually want to go do stuff.. Obvs that's personal.

So when did I have a baby? I was 43, DH just a year older. Yes, it was our decision, but no it's not selfish. We wanted one child we could give a comfortable life to and not to do stuff first. It would have been selfish to have a child earlier and try to do the stuff and risk resenting not doing stuff.

Regarding energy etc - a super rude comment I got when I was a new mum was from another new mum (aged about 32-5). She said she could not imagine having a baby over 40 because I must be so tired. I wasn't then and I'm not now. Incidently, she was the one who looked tired and she's the one with grey hair and a worn look now.

Another thing I find scary is people being grand parents under 55, but, again, I know this is personal.

The answer is there is no perfect age in any other sense than what feels right for you at any given time.

PS - a colleague (male) became a dad at 64 recently

For me personally I didn't want to be over 30. I don't want to be dealing with the school run into my 40s and dealing with teens in my 50s/60s. Just because you can have children into your late 40s/50s (for a woman and much later for a man) doesn't mean you should.

I think having a baby much past 40 for a woman and 45 for a man (maybe 50 of the mum is younger) is selfish even if you're currently in good health. My uncle was 49 when my cousin was born and at 54 with a 5 year old he finds it exhausting even though he's in great health.

It's not just the baby/child stage that needs to be though of but the teen/early adult years. Plus the child's side of having aging parents in need of greater help when they're in their early 20s starting their adult life and maybe thinking about starting their own family.

mastertomsmum my parents are grandparents to 4, the eldest being 11. Mum is 54 this year dad 55. The last time my dad took my daughter out alone everyone assumed she was his 😂 it works tho, they absolutely dote on all the kids & are actively involved grandparents rather than, as my grandparents were, more the sit & watch type

OP You're not alone in thinking it all through so thoroughly I did too. (posted upthread gad my children at 42, 43 and 45). I also considered what our lives would be like financially, health wise etc in 10, 15 years or more and how this would affect our children. But in the end I concluded we're both healthy now and anything can happen at any age, you can't go through life not doing things because of the what ifs.

I personally, have never met ( or even heard of ) a woman who had a baby naturally past about 43 in my entire adult life I did twice at 43 and 45 both conceived naturally first month!

I’m really shocked at the ageism in here.

I don't think people are being especially ageist, just honest about the challenges when parents choose to have children later.

Re. Women conceiving in their mid-late 40s. I personally know four -they were 43, 44, 45 and 48 when they had their babies, all naturally and all unplanned!

They have older children (born in their 30s) and I have to be honest and say that three of the four Mums have told me it's been harder this time around. They're in their 50s now and I'd say two families are struggling, the other two seem fine. All are worried about the future, though, as it's impacted their finances and they know they/their DH's will have to work longer than they'd anticipated.

That's probably the same as parents of any age, though, some cope better than others.

OP I think you're being sensible and thoughtful to consider this seriously and look ahead. I sometimes comment that I may not have a second in part due to age, mainly of DH who is already 42. People think I am mad for even considering that! It's like they don't look ahead at all, no consideration of the risks and pitfalls of being an older parent for the child, just how they themsleves feel so young right now. It is a bit selfish. They also don't factor in longer term financial aspects of having children, I think people bury their heads in the sand a bit. I would rather forward plan my retirement and financial security for my existing child than consider having babies in my 40s just because it can physically be done.

You sound conflicted and unsure and maybe trying to find what feels like a sensible reasons not to go ahead?i.e. age. I would examine your real motivations first and foremost and if you want to take the plunge into parenthood consider factors like age secondary (as long, as as I said upthread, you are both healthy and financially stable and therefore there is no obvious age related reason not to do it).

I know plenty of people without children living a fulfilling life, I love being a mum (mostly) but it is very hard and I can completely see an equally wonderful, just very different life without being one.

Is age clouding your real issue which is about whether you want to be a parent or not?

Foreverexhausted thanks for that, I'm glad I'm not being completely unreasonable to consider all the implications. And you're right - if I'm honest I'm probably a bit risk adverse too.

@ravenmum Luckily I've had a lot of adventure already. DH and I were able to travel quite a bit, we've set up a business that runs over by itself almost so I don't need to work (he only needs to work very part time) so we've both got lots of time spare - we're VERY lucky to be in a position now of deciding which road to take. Forever care-free, wondering where-ever we fancy, no ties, or to try for family life.

I am craving stability, either way. A farmhouse kitchen so I can bake cakes. Maybe a garden with chickens. And a little person's wellington boots by the door.

But family life doesn't look idyllic like that, does it? It's about sleepless nights and school runs and worrying over whether the fact they hiccuped means they're poorly...

@Troelsismyname

Is age clouding your real issue which is about whether you want to be a parent or not?

Yes. I think so. Oh god, I've welled up. It's such a big decision.

Any relationship involves vulnerability. Doesn't stop most people having relationships.

I think it's great that you're thinking about it properly.

Try a psychological trick. Take a coin and if it's heads, you have a child. Tails, no child. Flip it. Then see if you want to make it best of three!

Sorry to make you upset! It is a big decision but you sounds like practically you have an amazing set up to be a parent and provide a lovely home life for a child, as well as the urge for stability and focus that being a parent forces upon you. Yes it is exhausting and stressful and at times you think why did I do this, plus you don't know how easy or hard it will be, but you definitely get plenty of those lovely moments too. The little wellington boots by the door is a sight that makes me feel so happy funnily enough!

For me it came down to gut feeling, did I think I would always dwell on what ifs or could I embrace fully life without kids. I didn't believe I could and so it was right decision to do it. I have close friends and family that were able to move on and be happy with their decision to stay 'free' and for them that's the right decision. Gut feeling is key perhaps, alongside all the practical considerations..