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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How old is too old?

523 replies

Dartilla · 06/01/2019 21:52

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

OP posts:
ClarabellaCTL · 07/01/2019 12:29

My Dad lost his first wife to cancer when he was in his late 40s - they couldn't have children. He then met my Mum she was 22 years younger than him! They had me when my Mum was 30 and my Dad was 53. My Mum died of breast cancer when she was 52 (was 21). I lost my Dad 9 years later. Having an older Dad wasn't an issue for me - he was very fit and active and to be honest from what I could see growing up he was a better Dad than most of the young ones. He did loads with me, he was my best friend.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 07/01/2019 12:30

It was a general comment that a parent of that age would not be able to help with childcare

You are presuming they want to help with childcare.

I don't have living parents as a child of older parents. However I have older siblings who had children when they were alive.

When my older siblings needed help with childcare my parents and step-parents refused to help. It was myself and my other younger siblings, when we were in our teens and early 20s who lived nearby who helped them instead.

My mum herself had the same issue. Her parents refused to help her with her children when they were living. So she relied on her sisters, cousins and friends.

Oddly in my case I know I will get more help from my male relations than female relations.

Tentomidnight · 07/01/2019 12:31

I think that you need to answer a simple question OP - would you like to be a mum?

All the other questions, about the impact of age of your partner on parenthood, how good a parent you would be.. they’re all largely unknown factors.

If you want a child, go for it.. After all, today is the youngest age your DH will ever be from now on in!

ravenmum · 07/01/2019 12:34

'Many people wish they hadn't been born'.......well I know that is sadly true for a number of people.
I'd rather not have been born, but I don't see that as especially sad. It would be sad if I wanted to die, but that's not the same thing at all. I feel like I got lumbered with a life that I didn't want, and ending it would hurt people so I can't end it. The happy moments in life are great and all that, but there are too many of us on the planet and most of life is pretty unhappy or at best neutral for most people. Producing new people does not mean that you are doing them a favour. You are only doing yourself a favour. (I'm a parent too through this selfishness.) Hence the idea that it's better to be born than not to be born is a load of codswallop.

Original poster
Dartilla · 07/01/2019 12:37

I'm just reading through the last few pages, many thanks for the input and opinions, exactly what I was hoping for - lots of experiences, and sorry to those who lost family members or are going through a tough time with parents at the moment Flowers

@AhoyDelBoy thanks for your post, it's great to hear from someone in a similar boat! How are you finding parenthood?

OP posts:
tinytreefrog · 07/01/2019 12:37

OP in your position I would crack on and have a baby if that's what you both want.

Your DH is pushing it a bit age wise IMO, so I wouldn't want to hang around, especially if you want more than one. You on the other hand are certainly not too old at 34, you're probably pretty average these days.

Friends of ours have recently had their first child, she is 35 and he is 42. He is definitely finding the sleepless nights much tougher than we did, having ours in our 20's, but that's not to say he shouldn't have become a dad. I think that you just have to accept that your DH may be more tired, less patient or energetic than a younger parent and prepare yourself for that. I'm sure your child would still rather be born.

Geekster1963 · 07/01/2019 12:37

I was almost 40 when DD was born and DH was just 42. She is an only child and I wish in one way that we had been a bit younger or she had a sibling. Just so she would have someone else as we get older. But I love being a Mum and I don’t feel my age, I try and look after myself so I can be as fit as I can for as long as I can. We had six miscarriages before she was born then I went through an early menopause when she was one so we never got the chance for another.

The above said I wouldn’t change anything she has lots of Aunties and Uncles and cousins.

Davros · 07/01/2019 12:39

I had my second at 43, DH was 45. The first is 8 years younger. It's fine

Thatwasfast · 07/01/2019 12:39

I think some people on here are confusing s wish for your parents to have a close relationship with your children, with a wish for 'free childcare'.

I don't need any free childcare. But I would love for dc to be able to spend time with my dad alone, and develop a close relationship. That's sadly nt possible, and being upset by this is not unreasonable IMO

YetAnotherSpartacus · 07/01/2019 12:39

Friends of ours have recently had their first child, she is 35 and he is 42. He is definitely finding the sleepless nights much tougher than we did, having ours in our 20's, but that's not to say he shouldn't have become a dad. I think that you just have to accept that your DH may be more tired, less patient or energetic than a younger parent and prepare yourself for that. I'm sure your child would still rather be born

It's not just about babies. It's about parental old-age and the child grown up.

abacucat · 07/01/2019 12:42

I have been reading this thread asking teenagers how they feel about having older parents. Most say it was no different when they were younger, it was in teenage years and early adult hood that there were issues.
www.quora.com/How-do-teenagers-having-old-parents-feel

BettyDuMonde · 07/01/2019 12:42

Regarding the practicalities of child raising and the age of the parent, I had bags more energy when I had my first (at 24) and found the pregnancy easier, but I had a lot more patience and was a lot calmer and less prone to panic when I had my second (at 35).

So I firmly believe that there are pluses and minuses with either option. Only you can weigh up ALL your family, financial and health circumstances so don’t let age alone be the decider.

You certainly won’t be the only ones at your ante natal classes who are your ages!

ChocolateWombat · 07/01/2019 12:46

I don't think it's better to be born than not born. If you're not born, of course there's no-one to know anything about a life that never even existed.

Most people however don't wish they hadn't been born. Most people with younger parents and those with older parents too, despite the various difficulties of life we all go through for all kinds of reasons, are still glad to be alive. And what I was saying is that most of us would have liked more time with our parents or would like to have more of it than we will. Most of us will find their ill health and their dying difficult whenever that comes. But most of us won't see those difficulties in such a light as to wish we hadn't been born so that we didn't experience them. Most of us view difficulties as part of life and those associated with parents or other relationships are part of it. I just say these things to those who are nearing the end of fertility and thinking about trying for babies, to remember that even though there are risks and downsides of being annolder parent, there are also benefits too - and in all liklihood, you will love your children and be enriched by them and they will love you and be glad you were their parents (and yes I can't say that will categorically be the case for everyone - but the fact it will be so for the vast majority gives me enough confidence to say it is worth facing the risks, because the rewards are likely to be so much greater)

Parenthood is one of life's great adventures. Everyone does it and is different. Not everyone wants to do it or has the opportunity - but if you do want to and you do have the opportunity, it can be a fantastic element of your life and of course create another life.

And to whoever asked if I was young......no I am certainly not!

ravenmum · 07/01/2019 12:54

My comment that many people wish they hadn't been born was in response to the above argument that "surely it's better to be born". I have no idea how many people, on balance, would ideally prefer never to have been born, but the fact that any at all exist proves that no, it is not always better to have been born.

Chocolatewombat, you may be glad that you had the opportunity to be alive, but try asking around your friends - how many, if they were in the film "Back to the Future", would actually prevent their own birth!

BlackPrism · 07/01/2019 12:59

If they're likely to die in their child's 20s

tinytreefrog · 07/01/2019 13:00

@YetAnotherSpartacus

If both her and her DH were 45 I would probably be of the opinion that the time for children is passed, but she is only 34. While it's not ideal for her husband to have a baby at his age, I don't think that they should let it stop them being parents.

I have several friends who have had children late, but fate no design and have had to care for elderly parents at the same time. It's hard, and again not ideal, but they've managed and with hindsight, they would have still had their children.

If it's what they want then they should go for it.

barberousbarbara · 07/01/2019 13:01

It's all dependent on your own experiences and your family history. My parents were in their mid-thirties when they had me. I'd lost all my grandparents before my 16th birthday. I lost my Dad in my mid-thirties and it's too late for me to have children in my forties as I'm now caring for my Mom, who has dementia.

My partners Dad was in his forties when DP was born and DP was only in his 20's when his Dad died.

I have friends who still have grandparents alive and parents who can actively take part in family life. My DP and I don't have that.

DoingMyBest2010 · 07/01/2019 13:04

I was 38 when I had my DD, my friend was 50 when she had twins. I know a couple with a 27-year age gap between then. Dad was in his early 50-s when they had their first. He is quite often mistaken for the kids' grandad though. He is now 63.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 07/01/2019 13:10

If both her and her DH were 45 I would probably be of the opinion that the time for children is passed, but she is only 34. While it's not ideal for her husband to have a baby at his age, I don't think that they should let it stop them being parents

Oh good lord yes! 34 is youthful! How old is the DH?

surferjet · 07/01/2019 13:13

It’s interesting about women having babies up to almost 50 pre-contraception.
I personally, have never met ( or even heard of ) a woman who had a baby naturally past about 43 in my entire adult life.
I wonder what’s changed?

Presh12345 · 07/01/2019 13:15

I'm 40, 1 MMC. Husband 63. We are keeping trying.

tinytreefrog · 07/01/2019 13:15

He's 45, so nearing the upper end of what is acceptable (IMO) for a man, but perfectly ok so long as they don't hang about (again IMO).

Lexilooo · 07/01/2019 13:20

As someone hoping to start a family with their 40th birthday looming I am finding some of these comments very depressing. Surely if older parents are motivated they will make sure their children don't miss out. The couple referred to who went surfing and ice skating with their eldest and just sat and read with the youngest were clearly just being lazy. If you can't cope with sports then there are plenty of other things you can do with a child.

My Mum was the child of parents in their 40s. She was a late happy accident. She has spoken about having older parents and says that it didn't disadvantage her at all. Her father was in significant ill health before she was conceived but was a doting father who said that his age meant he had more time for her than the older ones. She said that while her parents may have been less active they more than made up for it in other ways.

She recalls significant generational differences about social issues but that is in common with the most baby boom children.

Both parents lived long enough to be at her wedding which is better than several people I know with younger parents.

Augusta2012 · 07/01/2019 13:20

All my children are from assisted conception and the latest my clinic which has my remaining embryos will treat women is 42 so that will make DH 50 then. We’ve had it taken out of our hands really. He’s a bit anxious about his age but we’re trying for one more because I feel quite confident about my own health.

In general, morally I feel that one of the parents should be 45 or under in order to maximise the chances of a child having a fit and healthy parent into adulthood. I’m relaxed about whether that parent is male or female though and don’t have a problem with older women hacking assisted pregnancies as long as they have a younger partner.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 07/01/2019 13:39

My DH died at 38, when our DS was 2 so I wouldn't worry too much about age, shit can happen at any age.