How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

And plenty of people wish they hadn't been born!

I had all mine under 30 and my last at 27. 30 is my cut off personally but it’s all down to circumstances and opportunities. I was lucky that I was able to do it. Now I’m 40 and my youngest is 13 and we can do what we like again.

Thatwasfast Ignore that horrible post. Hope you're doing ok (well as ok as possible) under the circumstances. It's very tough on you and your sister.

It's also tough because for many women, finding a same age partner who wants to settle down in their 30s is basically impossible. Im in my 30s and most women I know my age are with older men, and not through choice, but because that's all that's available. My male friends my age are all single by choice, reluctant to even commit to a second date. And they only date women in their 20s.

I wish this would change so more children could have younger fathers, but it won't. What can women do really?

There is no right age! I have friends who had their children in their 20's because they felt it was the right age. They're now in their 40's so their children are grown up and leaving home but they feel they've missed out on their 'freedom/fun' years and you can't recapture your 20's when you're in your 40's. I on the other hand chose to enjoy my freedom in my 20's/30's and have had my children at 42, 43 and 45. Very happy I've had my children later, no regrets and hopefully DH and I will be around for many years. None of us know what age we will live to so having children younger is no guarantee you will be around for longer for them.

There's a difference between having a sense of what the 'ideal' age for yourself is, which might include knowing when you're 'done' and won't be wanting or having any more, and saying that no-one else should do differently.

Lots of people who have their children before 40 are 'done' and glad not to have babies and toddlers later.......but if they hadn't had the baby and toddler experience before and wanted it, may well have been very willing to go through it at 40 or 45. Likewise, being a grandparent who find childcare tiring at 62 doesn't mean that you couldn't have coped with being a parent at 43 or that other people shouldn't do it. There is a difference between seeing other peoples situations and being glad we aren't in them, and saying that those situations are wrong or to be avoided. Perhaps the prospect of being an older parent seems more daunting and awful to someone who had their children younger and who now feel 'past that phase' when it is new and exciting for someone who hasn't done it. Remember that the 40+ decade of women (and men) are different to the 40+ generations of the past - many are fitter and healthier than women a decade younger were in the past. Yes, their fertility is still limited by time and yes health problems and death will still come, but more and more people live healthy active lives for longer. Being 60 isn't old age now unless you've lived a hard life which has aged you. And doesn't having younger children help keep you younger?

There will always be parents who are 'old' in outlook - those who limit what their children can do, who don't fit in with the other parents and seem odd - those parents aren't always the older ones, just those who are a bit different and that could be people of any age. Sometimes those who look back on their 'elderly' parents and blame their age for them not fitting in at school or whatever, it wasn't just or even partly always about age, just the people they were, in the same way that being a young parent doesn't mean you have to be reckless or foolish.

paddling Most people here do not have a strange view of getting older. Most people do not live to their late 90's like your father.

chocolatewombat Are you still young yourself, because that is how your post reads?

Going to be honest, i think older than early 30's is selfish of the parent.
My mum died at 48, thankfully i was 20 by then but it kills me that i'm going to live more of my life without her in it than i did with her in it, and she isn't here to see any landmarks like my wedding etc.
There are a lot of illnesses and diseases, people DO die of in their 40s and 50's, and thats a big thing for a child to deal with.
My dad is mid 50's now and has a lot of health problems, im terrified every day of being left with no living parent.

Butteredghost - I was talking about my experiences of having older parents. If you’d actually read my post, you’d realise that my dad is not able to look after my children, or play with them, because of his age. This upsets me. The fact that he’s dying of cancer is agonising and horrific, especially for my younger sister.

It’s not that he’s unable to help with my children is not due to his cancer.

I’m not going to let your vile and cruel comments upset me though. Because hey, my dad raised me right, to not be like you.

For me is when you don't have the patience or the energy to have sleepless nights and run after the children.

At 40 I still considered the (remote) possibility of having one.
Now, at 47 I don't think I'd want a baby. Particularly because I'd be 60 before I could get some freedom back.

Butteredghost You're taking Thatwasfast's post completely out of conext. It was a general comment that a parent of that age would not be able to help with childcare, not that she's angry with her dying father because of it. FGS.

I also have a very different experience to you re: partners. Mine is 31 (a few years younger than me) and most of my friends are with husbands/boyfriends in their own age group. The biggest gap is 5 years and in that case the woman is the older one.

My dad was 43 when my sister was born, which back then made him at least 10 years older than just about every other dad we knew. Occasionally a bit embarrassing, but he never looked his age, and was working pretty hard in various voluntary capacities until he was 80, so he seemed to retire later than everyone else's parents. Now 92 and still going strong, he's had a chance to have a great relationship with grandchildren etc. Age is just a number - attitude means so much more. Luck with your health obviously plays a big part too, but as life expectancy is going up, I can't see why 45 would be too old to start a family. It's also way more common now than when I was young, which reduces the embarrassment factor.

However, there are slight additional risks to be aware of, as with female older parents:

www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/health-problems-more-common-babies-older-fathers/

I had my youngest when I was 35, which was my own personal cut off point.

I know lots of women who are having children in their 40s and are healthy and managing brilliantly but my mum died at 54 so I’ve always had that in the back of my mind. I didn’t want to take unnecessary risks of leaving a teenager (or younger) motherless.

If there is a big age gap between the parents, with one significantly younger, I guess that’s not quite the worry?

My mum had her children in her 20s, and she died when I was in my 20s, so I realise my opinions are very much based on personal circumstances.

i think older than early 30's is selfish of the parent.

Dear god. It's not likely that any parent will die before their 70s, let alone before their 50s.

I think only you will know when your to old, I’m 35 with 2 teenagers and I’m definitely finished but my sister is 43 and has a 21 year old, 5 year old and a 1 year old. It’s what you think that matters 😊

My Dad was 40 when I was born, 51 when my brother was born. He's still very fit and healthy aged nearly 70. My mum was only 23 when I was born and leads such a stressful life that I fear for her health more than his.

None of us knows what will happen to us. A friend of a friend of mine, a non smoker, has just been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She is only 29.

Sakura7 - thank you. It’s very raw, as I’m sure you can imagine!

It was a general comment that a parent of that age would not be able to help with childcare

Well it didn't sound that way. I value my parents for much more than just potential free childcare. It's literally not even a thought or concern in my mind. But each to their own!

'Many people wish they hadn't been born'.......well I know that is sadly true for a number of people. However, it is fortunately not true for the majority of people and the majority of those born to older parents have happy lives and happy memories of their childhood and time spent with their parents as adults, even if that time might not have been as long as some people with younger parents have.

In all our lives, there might be things we'd have liked to have been a little different, but for most of those things, we think about them briefly and rarely as passing thoughts. For most of them, they don't make us regret our lives or the relationships we've had. We might all have wishes about our parents, that they played with us more or spend more time at home and les at work, or had more money, or engaged with our own children more, or didn't get divorced, or were younger or were older or were richer or kinder. In the end though most of us love them and accept them for who they are or were.

Dartilla I’ve only read the first page but just wanted to say I’m the same age as you and my DP is also 45. We have a 15mo and will probably ttc number two this year.

chocolatewombat You don't actually know if any of that is true, as none of us do.

Thatwasfast - very sorry to read about your Dad and best wishes. I understand that you wish they were younger. But the reality is that even younger parents can die at horribly early ages - my bestfriend lost her Mum to ovarian cancer when she was only 60 - my friend didn't have her first child till she was 42 so very sad and her mother never got to see her but unfortunately, that's life and it can be horribly cruel. I've friends with older parents and my Mum was born when my Grandparents were in their forties - while I'm sure they would wish they had their parents for longer, they wouldn't not have had the lives they've had either. I'd like to be around for my youngest's DD's children very much - the reality is, I might not be. But then, I might not be around for my 24 year olds children if she ever has them either (she's a lesbian & at the moment being a Mum couldn't be any further from her agenda). That's life really!

I have not read the whole thread but some of the comments on here seem hopelessly ageist! I was a couple of months shy of 46 when DS (one and only child, after years of miscarriages) was born. DH was 38.

And yes , I fully expect some people at school, at the shop etc think I (now aged 55) am the granny (when I was DS's age, 9 , my own granny was 50). Why would I care what they think?