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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What do you make of this DM story

228 replies

Stepmum3 · 06/01/2019 13:05

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6561079/Millionaire-reveals-moment-doctor-told-father-three-adored-boys.html#comments-6561079

Basically a man finds out after 21 years he couldn’t of possibly fathered his three boys he knew as sons due to being diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. Then sued his Ex wife for the CSA and walked away with 250k. He had paid her 4 million and maintenance following their divorce. Two of the boys no longer talk to him 1 saying if you sue mum I won’t talk to you again.

I get the anger and hurt caused by this however the value of the boys he placed at 250k. What will the money bring back I feel nothing. A real sad story and upsetting for all involved. Although, I do think the wife is a bit of a cunt.

OP posts:
BartonHollow · 06/01/2019 15:32

@Cherries101

If that was the case, he wouldn't have won in court

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/01/2019 15:41

I think this is much more common than people think.

I want to feel sorry for this guy but some of his wording and some of his actions make me think he got exactly what he desertved.

Whilst it might have seemed to be a great idea to hurt his ex-wife ultimately as a grown up we have to consider the impact of his actions on those who are not to blame.

I would dispute he wasn't the children's father. Just because he was't physically related to them doesn't make him any less of a father than a man who marries a woman with children and raises them as his own.

I dont understand also if the marriage of, I guess, around 20 years was so cold and joyless, why didn't he go for a divorce sooner if it was so bad.

Also the comment about robing Emma of becoming a mother I am a but confused about.

Emma is 46, I am presuming they met and got together soon after the divorce.

If Emma wanted children or he did then surely him having 3 already wouldn't have mattered.

Some of his comments just don't add up.
i think there is more to this than we will ever know.

MadMum101 · 06/01/2019 15:42

Cherries a quick Google brings up quite a few instances of older adults getting a late diagnosis of CF.

Bluestitch · 06/01/2019 15:51

Also the comment about robing Emma of becoming a mother I am a but confused about.

I took that to mean they had tried for a child as they didn't know he was infertile? And they could have considered other options had they known but now due to her own health it's too late. Although I would have thought they would have undergone fertility tests anyway if it wasn't happening and due to their ages but who knows?

dustarr73 · 06/01/2019 16:02

I think its awful he was duped for so many years.She basically stole his years.He didnt have a choice.But she did.

I bet if it was him having children with someone else you all would be up in arms about it.

JustMabel · 06/01/2019 16:41

What we are "up in arms" about is his treatment of his sons. Wouldn't he want to pay for the education of the three boys who called him dad?

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 06/01/2019 16:59

Maybe if he'd known the truth he would have walked away JustMabel.

While I don't agree with the story being made public, the woman is disgusting. She caused the initial issues but sadly the children are the ones who have come off worse when really it should be her.

dustarr73 · 06/01/2019 17:04

treatment of his sons. But they were not his sons.And he wasnt given a choice.If the wife told him rather than him finding out.He would have done the honourable thing.

But the wife is the one who started this.If her sons are suffering now,thats down to her.

OrchidInTheSun · 06/01/2019 17:09

Cherries - you don't know what you're talking about. There are increasing numbers of people being diagnosed with CF in later life. But they will have had unexplained health issues through their lives. And to Boleyn who said that it was unbelievable that someone could have infertility and be diagnosed late, that's also a load of baloney.

I've always wondered how lawyers feel when they read people giving crap and ill informed advice and opinions on MN. Now I know.

Geminijes · 06/01/2019 17:17

'Dad, if you sue Mum, I will never speak to you again” – and he hasn’t.’

I take this as the son is siding with the mother, almost as if condones what his mother did. Very sad, guess the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.
You would think the sons would be angry with their mother for the deceit and lies but apparently not.

Singlenotsingle · 06/01/2019 17:19

Horrified, Orchid. I remember once I was advising someone on bank holidays and the person said, "that can't be right. That's not what my neighbour says!" Shock

Graphista · 06/01/2019 18:02

While what she did was despicable he's not exactly covered himself in glory either!

Even when he believed the children WERE his

"Even though I always complied with the child support agency demands" - he's a millionaire! That suggests to me that even if they were his kids he had to be MADE to pay child support.

Also, he wants the money back because as far as he's concerned - even though he raised and supposedly loved them - they're not in any way his kids. He can't deny them his love and care and then bitch they won't speak to him!

"And now that he is upset at the estrangement how does he think giving interviews to the papers along with pictures of them will help?" Exactly! Hardly the mature, calm and reasoned response that might help matters.

I get the distinct feeling he was a deadbeat arse anyway and for the sons this has been the final straw proving he never really gave a shit anyway!

"It used to be normal to be faithful" no it just used to be easier to hide it! Let's face it if we didn't have DNA testing he'd likely be none the wiser necessarily - complete infertility is incredibly rare and even in cf it's possible the condition that leads to infertility isn't always present and if it was I believe he'd have noticed! I dated someone with cf years ago (dx as a baby and had it quite bad, we lost touch and sadly he's likely passed now) and the ejaculate was different to most people's (sorry tmi I know but pertinent to the discussion I think)

Also 7 years of no contraception in the late 80's and 90's and they never thought to investigate? That sounds off too.

If you think infidelity was less common in the past go look at the ancestry DNA thread! Or watch a few episodes of "who do you think you are?" Or "heir hunters" or similar. Was just as common way back when as now. Ditto illegitimate babies. It's just more known about now.

Nobody is saying he shouldn't mind, I'm just not buying he had no idea whatsoever and I'm also not convinced he's done this purely because of that, I think he's pissed off she got the settlement she did. I think it likely he thought he'd get much more back.

From an emotional perspective, albeit unwittingly, he's effectively an adoptive father and yet he seems to care little for how the people he raised feel.

"what I found most staggering was that after 21 years of being their father he could so quickly turn to they aren't mine." I suspect he's had little to do with them since the divorce - reading between the lines.

They married in 1987, the eldest was apparently born in 1994 and the twins in 1998. They divorced in 2007, though when they separated isn't mentioned. So the boys were 13 and 9 when they divorced.

Also it seems to me she may well have genuinely believed he was the father based on unprotected frequent sex with him vs infrequent protected sex with other guy (whatever he says about the supposed Jewish stuff).

"in favour of a refund" exactly! He's treating them like they're a defective product he's purchased!

"Sometimes you can't put the feelings of grown DC first when something so terrible has been done to you." Completely disagree! INNOCENT (even if adult) Peoples feelings matter more than money ALWAYS!

Those poor kids have had appalling luck in ending up with 2 shitty parents!

One who's lied to them all their lives about their true paternity and seemingly STILL won't reveal this? And one who values money over love (I hope wife 2 is taking note of that fact!)

He doesn't need the money, he didn't even really need the legal recognition because they're no longer young enough he was still paying maintenance! He lives in Wales and so could disinherit even legal children if he so wished.

It takes a long time for such a case to reach court and the article says it's very rare that people in his position take such action - probably because other men in his position aren't such twats towards the kids they raised! And they want to maintain a good relationship with them regardless of the mothers actions.

This guy seems to regard money and punishing his ex wife as more important than a continuing relationship with young men he claims to love!

Stuffedpeppers - he didn't need to sue her to get DNA testing done!

Winnie2019 - did you even read the article properly? My understanding is they met and married when they were both of a similar financial background. Also the marriage was 20 years not the affair.

"why didn't he go for a divorce sooner if it was so bad." I thought this too. Rather smacks of rewriting history/cheaters script doesn't it? I'm not convinced he was blameless in the end of the marriage.

He could have still enjoyed that future he says has been stolen from him if he'd not gone down this route.

"I’m just a guy who was there when they were being brought up." That's a vile thing to say and I wonder exactly how close they were even when he thought they were biologically his.

And to say his ex's deception has robbed him of a child with 2nd wife is bolllocks! She didn't MAKE him infertile and she didn't make him or his 2nd wife ill. That's too much.

dustarr73 · 06/01/2019 18:56

Rather smacks of rewriting history/cheaters script doesn't it? I'm not convinced he was blameless in the end of the marriage

That might be true but it still comes down to the wife.We know she cheated.
And to be fair its probably easier for her to drop poison in the kids ear.And turn them against hinm.

NWQM · 06/01/2019 18:57

Clearly you’d be devasted. Your family has CF genres. You’ve always understood you were clear. You watched your family be ill. You are given devasting news. You successfully sue for your money back even though one of the boys who you raised said he would go nc but you go ahead anyway as you feel so strongly about the process principal.

Sort of get it. But then...

You then say no comment. You do not do a victory lap including allowing the use of family pictures. Knowing how painful you have found it you don’t rub salt into the wounds of the boys you love.

You don’t break your Mum’s confidentiality in terms of her medical conditions.

You just don’t, surely?

EarlyModernParent · 06/01/2019 19:01

"The whole story suggests he’s lying. It’s just not possible to be diagnosed with cf that late in life (even mild cases)."

Except it is. Peruse the CF Trust website.

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/01/2019 19:45

I took that to mean they had tried for a child as they didn't know he was infertile

I am suspecting he is a bit of a tight wad.

A possible reason that this occurred was because wife wanted children and love because as he said it was a cold and loveless marriage and she sort comfort in the arms of someone else.

Nothing huge like a full blown affair but occasionally getting together for comfort.

The wife probably could see they were not getting anywhere and he probably dismissed ivf because of costs.

The wife becomes pregnant by this other man and whether she knew or not that it was this other mans at the time she went ahead with the pregnancy.

Probably same thing happened 4 years later.

They then divorce and he is made to pay a certain amount of maintenance. Again he has an eye on the costs. Not a penny more.

Then he meets Emma.

Now here it gets s bit murky.

If they divorced in 2007 and he met Emma that year or the next Emma would have been 35/36. He could have been seeing Emma or had his eye on her before he was divorced.
Given Emma’s age I don’t think he left it too long after his divorce to start with her

Now he either denied Emma the chance of children because he had 3 himself and didn’t want more. Or if after a couple of years of trying Emma and him would have gone down the Ivf route. Emma could have been anything between 37-38 or up to 40 st this stage.

But like before, he didn’t. Again I can only think he didn’t want to spend any money, probably telling Emma it was her fault anyway as he had 3 kids so there was nothing wrong with him.

He then finds out the children who he had raised and considered his own were not his.

Rather than being angry he had been duped and disappointed they were not his flesh and blood he sees an opportunity to make money off the situation.

He would rather be £250000 richer than still in his children’s lives.

He was warned if he went down that route what would happen and now he is DM sad face because it has.

In most people’s eyes even if the children weren’t biologically his he was still their father.

A sperm donor doesn’t make a father

I know everyone is saying the mother is in the wrong.
I can’t condemn her given I have seen similar happen in rl and no one knows what happens behind closed doors.

We are only hearing one side of the story.

As a supposedly smart man the article does not cover him in sympathy or glory.
It just opens up more questions than there are answers

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/01/2019 19:48

And to be fair its probably easier for her to drop poison in the kids ear.And turn them against hinm

These are adult children who can see that the person they think of as being their father would rather money in the bank than a relationship with them.

He was told before hand that this would happen it can’t be that much of a shock.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 06/01/2019 20:02

guess the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree

People who keep saying this should take a long hard look at themselves

A shocking thing to say

Ive read the whole thread and ive yet to find a poster saying that the woman was in the right, most posters seem to be saying that he could have maintained a relationship with the children

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/01/2019 20:08

I actually think she was. The fact that the boys have come out on her side and asked him not to sue their mother says a lot

Equally the fact he went ahead knowing he would lose any contact with them says a lot too.

We don’t know the circumstances of what drove her to do what she did.

As I have said I know one person in rl who has done something similar and until you have walked in their shoes you can’t tell what you would have done.

CarolDanvers · 06/01/2019 20:15

People who keep saying this should take a long hard look at themselves

Agreed. Just vile.

BunsOfAnarchy · 06/01/2019 20:24

I dont think he cares about the money. Because 250k is minute in comparison to what he already has and also minute compared to the settlement his wife received after the divorce (£4mil i think).

Personally, i think he was just that fucked off and shocked and hurt (as you would be!) that he needed her to be held accountable somehow. Its not something he can get over is it? So the only way i guess is through the court. Its silly and sad and nothing will ever make it right. There is nothing he can do about this. Its incredibly sad when you think of it. Nothing, nothing will ever bring back what he had.

thebaronetofcockburn · 06/01/2019 20:25

In most people’s eyes even if the children weren’t biologically his he was still their father.

But not in his. I guess when it comes to men they should just put aside their feelings, keep quite and be grateful for the relationship they have with their non-biological adults their wife deceived him into believing were his for 20 years.

I'd feel the same way, FWIW. The choice to adopt was taken from him, he was lied to and now MN says he should have just put up and shut up.

Wow.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 06/01/2019 20:29

now MN says he should have just put up and shut up. ...wow

Its one thread, and at least half of the posters are siding with him...one or two to the extent that they are slagging off his children

Its hardly 'MN'

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 06/01/2019 20:31

In fact more than half are siding with him...its just that a proportion of them believe that he should have maintained a relationship with the the children he brought up

NWQM · 06/01/2019 20:32

Did he only go for the £250k though? That was the settlement. Did he actually try & overturn the whole divorce settlement but find that the only fraud was the child support payments.

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