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Original poster

Would you pay back this 10k?

507 replies

cantchooseyourfamily · 06/01/2019 04:25

I'm looking for some advice, I was really ill over the last few years and managed to get treatment overseas that cost almost £50,000. The treatment was somewhat experimental at the time but is now available on the NHS, however I couldn't afford to wait and see if it would start being offered on the NHS so we made the decision that we would pay and I would go abroad for it.

Before I went for the treatment I wasn't sure about going, was worried about leaving my children and was also worried because I was about £10,000 short with being able to pay for it. DH and I have good jobs and are very lucky, we would have been able to get hold of the last 10k within a few months and were prepared to wait until we had it before I went ahead.

However, my mother offered to give me the remaining money and was insistent it was a gift, I asked several times over the following months if I should pay it back and she was insistent that it was fine, it was a gift, she wanted to help, etc. At that point we had the 10k and could have given it back, no issue.

Not that it necessarily matters but she's fairly well off with different companies and a few properties. This all happened over a year ago, I've moved on, am doing well health wise and have not thought about the money much, other than to feel grateful. Now out of nowhere she has messaged saying she's having business problems and wants the money back. I'm so upset, I hadn't factored this in, have my own stuff going on have made investments and purchases this year that I would not have done had I thought this was a loan rather than a gift. If I don't give it to her the family fall out will be huge, with my sister's and mother likely disowning me. On the other hand I think it's a rubbish way to treat me. There's so much more to the backstory but I wasn't raised by my mum and had very little to do with her until I was in my 20's, didn't meet my sister's until they were older and so on. I'm quite sure this would be the end of our fragile relationship but don't know if it might be for the best anyway. I couldn't imagine gifting my children a house deposit or sum of money to help with there wedding or medical treatment and then asking for it back a year later.

I'm very upset and wondering if I should just pay it back or not?

I also can't help remembering times over the last few years when she has paid for very expensive holidays and bought cars and things for her other children, none of which bothered me at the time, I didn't need anything from her and am a bit older. I can't help thinking she won't be asking for those gifts back from her other children and it's just another way in which I'm treated very differently.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 07/01/2019 20:17

If she really does have ample property that she could sell or borrow against then I think asking you for the money back is really just a test to see how under her thumb you are, which is a bloody awful thing to do to you.

I'd either tell her that it was clearly a gift and to bugger off leave it at that or as someone else suggested, offer to make a formally documented loan to her.

EmeraldShamrock · 07/01/2019 20:18

B. Thought so Grin

Atthebottomofthegarden · 07/01/2019 20:18

Whilst I completely agree with you in principle, I would not want to be beholden to her and would pay it back as soon as I could. When is your DH’s next bonus?

cstaff · 07/01/2019 20:20

To those of you who are suggesting that the OP HAS to pay her mum back please RTFT. Tbh I wouldn't after the way she has treated you throughout your whole life. Go nc with her and let her sort out her own problems financial or otherwise. You don't need this crap. Tell her to turn to your siblings for any help she needs. Maybe they really do owe her!!

MadeForThis · 07/01/2019 20:21

I wouldn't give it back.

She wants to play the kind benefactor and still get to keep the money.

Go NC. She's toxic.

Henrypancake · 07/01/2019 20:22

Yes I think you should.

That is a lot of money for a gift and you are lucky to be able to afford to pay it back.

It sounds like she is in financial trouble so I would gift it back to her to help her out.

holey · 07/01/2019 20:26

You just don't change goal posts like that. If you do, you never make out that the other party are being unreasonable. Some years ago we loaned nearly double that amount to my MIL. She was moving to a different area and just couldn't quite finance the move without compromising on the property she needed. We had the money spare at the time as it had been part of an inheritance. We made it clear that we saw the money as only being payable from the sale of the house when MIL isn't around any longer. Over the years since then we have had a business collapse and have been desperate at points but asking her to find the money to pay us back has never occurred to us and we'd lose our own home before asking for it because it would be utterly wrong for us to do so. However, she has given us part of it- despite us trying to refuse- because she was worried for us but that was instigated by her and would never have been instigated by us.

What I can't believe OP is that not only does your mother have the nerve to ask you for money that was clearly gifted to you, but that she dares to try and make you feel bad about not complying.

HeronLanyon · 07/01/2019 20:35

I have read the whole thread and have posted from near the beginning. I still think op accepting a gift of that size from a ‘toxic mother’ when it wasn’t asked for or needed was a real mistake. Surely that changed the dynamic. I can’t imagine doing that and then refusingntonhepbwhen asked ( and I repeat ad nauseum only if the neednis real and properly explained to op and that the mother has gone abut it all wrong and said hurtful things). How could you take a gift from someone ‘toxic’ when it wasn’t needed in the first place?
Op I am sorry she has treated you poorly and agree wholly that your health is more important than anything. Do what will cause you least stress if you can identify that in all of the mess.
I have rtft.

Honeyroar · 07/01/2019 20:46

The stupid thing is, if she'd come to you and said her marriage was breaking up, she was worried about losing the business, and was there any way she could have/borrow the money back you'd probably have gladly done it. It's the demanding, the tantrums, the nastiness and the blaming it all on you that makes this so horrible.

Bunnybaubles · 07/01/2019 20:54

@Cantchooseyourfamily Do not pay the money back!

After the messages you received you should wipe your hands of the lot of them.

My DP went through something very similar with his family.

Wasn't in his dad's life much at the beginning until a family member forced him to include him in his new family.

Dp's Dad had money and spoiled his step children while watching his son go around with holes in his hand-me-down shoes! Like you he was cast aside, not bothered with and everything he achieved he did on his own, with no help.

The whole family were all about money, it's all they cared about, all about stuff. It's like they were incapable of having any type of emotional loving relationship.

He walked away and is so much better for it. It was destroying him, the hurt eating away at him all the time, why his dad pushed him aside for years to fall over himself to be there for his wife's child (not theirs together).

Sometimes you just have to accept people are what they are, and no matter how much you want them to see how they've hurt you, or want them to genuinely be there for you, they are not interested.

I hope you don't give her back the money and just move on from it all. You might be surprised how good it makes you feel.

Good luck op Flowers

PrincessConsuelaBanana · 07/01/2019 21:03

Jesus CHRIST - to the posters saying that because OP’s mum helped the OP, now the OP should help her mum - but she hasn’t ASKED for help? She’s demanded OP pay back a gift.
OP I’m sorry your ‘mother’ is such an awful dickhead. Maybe she should ask her other children to sell the cars she paid for, to ‘repay’ her...? I don’t think you should pay her back, or if you do, a minimal amount a month over a loooong period.
If she’d come to you and said daughter, I’m in a tough position and would really appreciate some financial help if you are in a position to help me - totally different situation. I hope you manage to resolve this on a way that makes you happy. Maybe going NC is the way to go..?

yve62 · 07/01/2019 21:03

This is a nonsense. A gift is a gift ESPECIALLY from a mother. I can't imagine anyone 'giving' in these circumstances and thinking it appropriate to ask for it back. You say you weren't brought up by your mother so I would have thought a 10k gift for health reasons is the least she can do.
Unless she is destitute, I wouldn't even consider it and the fact that she has asked would make me question the value of the relationship anyway.
You can choose your friends..........

MaeveDidIt · 07/01/2019 21:05

I haven't read the whole thread OP, but I do appreciate this is a very difficult situation for you.
What is it with these deranged people who give a gift and then in the next breath think it's their right to ask for it back!!
Perhaps it's resentment and control.

AnotherEmma · 07/01/2019 21:22

Honey
"It's the demanding, the tantrums, the nastiness and the blaming it all on you that makes this so horrible."
Yep

Mikklehaha · 07/01/2019 21:29

It is ugly behaviour that your mum has displayed and I’m sorry it has happened to you. However, if it was me and I had the money to pay back I would.
The truth of your mother’s nature cannot be denied so at least you know where you stand, no matter how sad it makes you feel. Once you’ve paid her back you can remove any sense she may have that she has a hold over you.
If you then want to continue the relationship you’ll be under no false illusions.

IdaBWells · 07/01/2019 21:30

I read the first page and last page. I am in the beginning stages of recovery from a serious illness myself.

If not giving her 10k is going to cause you emotional grief and her to become extremely toxic I would give her the money and go LC or NC. Money is just not worth that kind of stress. Some people always “give” with strings attached.

Then you can draw a line under the whole thing and if you want to, walk away.

Doctorwhosit · 07/01/2019 21:32

What do siblings think?

Doctorwhosit · 07/01/2019 21:33

Just asking because my mum is -a toxic cow- challenging sometimes and I ask my cousins for their take on things before I wade into the middle of it.

caringcarer · 07/01/2019 21:36

I would pay it back but then have nothing more to do with her. I would repay with a letter explaining that you feel less of her daughter than her other children who she seems to help out financially a lot with holidays etc. Have they been asked to repay her money? Your Mum sounds like an emotional manipulator and I would keep her away from your children too.

elfies · 07/01/2019 21:43

Pay it back If you can, then you owe nothing and will perhaps feel at ease .

heckythump01 · 07/01/2019 21:53

How heartless of your mum! I hope the stress of this isn't flaring up your illness......I also think although it's so not right by a long way...... I would have to somehow pay her and have nothing more to do with her.....so sorry your having to Deal with this!

EggysMom · 07/01/2019 21:57

Before anybody says, yes, I have RTFT Smile

I think you should pay back the full £10k.But not because your Mother has asked, or because her Accountant says so, or because the business is being divied up / taken over and they need to finance.

Pay her back because you will never hear the end of this if you don't. Not just from your Mother, but also her partner and your sister(s). You will get into a lengthy war of words, or you will struggle remaining NC when they are abusing you by text, phone, and letter.

Pay her back then once you have done so, go NC with the whole flippin' lot of them. They have made it clear that you are not part of the "family". Go NC for your own sanity.

Bunnybaubles · 07/01/2019 22:02

But the op doesn't owe anything. That's the point of the thread. It was a gift, you don't repay gifts... just because her - and I use the term lightly - 'mother' has stomped her feet and demanded, it still doesn't mean she owes anything.

All it means is her mother is an uncaring selfish woman who clearly does not see the op as a child of hers whom is to be treated with the same love and respect as her other children. It's heart breaking and I feel so bad for the op.

And she has already stated even if she wanted to pay it back, she doesn't have the disposable income which she had before so paying it back would be very difficult.

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 07/01/2019 22:08

Noooooooooooooo OP. Do not pay it back, it was a gift. You do not return/pay back gifts.

Delete and block her and be done with it. Ignore the hollier than thou plaster saints saying they would pay it back. Guess what? They wouldn’t. If you hadn’t have mentioned about your own financial position the responses would have been different. If you had said for example you were on universal credit the posters saying pay it back would have been outraged.

Do not pay it back.

KTheGrey · 07/01/2019 22:09

What Madeforthis said. Obviously her troubles are of her own making, not yours, and it isn't decent to do this to you. Don't let her make you unwell or feel sorry for her. Grey rock.

Flowers. Strive to be happy.

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