To "break-up" with a friend?

[trustyrustie]

Long standing friend (25 years) and over the last few years I have really started to seriously dislike this person. Many reasons.

Anyway I've tried distancing myself, declining invites saying I'm busy, leaving long gaps between replies but she is not taking the hint.

She's started texting and whatsapping the same messages to me and even texting my husband when I don't reply.

I really don't want to spend any time with her and I'm running out of excuses as to why I can't meet up, how on earth do you break up with a friend?

Please give me advice!! I would struggle to be really brutal to her as despite my decision I don't have any ill will towards her whatsoever.

To everyone saying ‘but 25 years of friendship’ - this is a red herring.

I was having problems with my longest friend (not closest but we’d been friends since we were 7, about 23 years). She was very manipulative and toxic and could be your best friend or your worst enemy. I used to think ‘life’s too short to not be friends’ and would forgive her every time she was a twat. Then someone (completely unrelated to the group) pointed out ‘life’s too short to be friends with someone who makes you unhappy’ and I stopped being friends with her by saying I didn’t want to see her any more next time she asked and said (very calmly but assertively) that she’d fucked me over one too many times. She had the grace to accept it but I don’t think she was too bothered really. We had mutual friends still (although they got out soon after as she was awful to them too in the end) but I completely avoided her. It was the best thing I ever did and I realised how much the relationship had been me trying to please her, for years.

Sorry OP this isn’t helpful in terms of strategy but totally support you in not wanting to continue a friendship you’re not enjoying.

"When you look back at the people you've known in life, you don't remember them by what they said, but by how they made you feel".

^ I say this to myself an awful lot nowadays! I don't care if I've known the person for 20 minutes, 20 months or 20 years, if their presence contributes nothing to enhance my wellbeing (ie I'm frequently left feeling defensive, frustrated or hurt) I take that as a sign that the relationship doesn't work for me.

We're all intuitive beings and instinctively know if that cutting remark is a one off faux-pas or a dedicated put-down campaign. It isn't what is said, it's how it makes you feel.

OP take time to consider the approach you can cope with, there's no one right or wrong way, ghost or long detailed email or something in between. Just don't beat yourself up that it's 25 years or 25 mins, the key thing is to protect your emotional well-being.

iwantmyhatback sorry!

@thighofrelief101 it's really bloody draining isn't it? I was at the point where I would sigh and dread messages from them, and frankly it wasn't fair to either one of us because they weren't going to sort themselves out until I said enough was enough. I don't know or care if they even got a hold of themselves, just that it wasn't going to be my problem anymore. I felt like i could finally breathe!

Update

I just ghosted

Blocked
From everything

Tear a strip off me I don't care!!! I feel that I can do anything right now, even put my needs and wants above someone else's for the FIRST TIME

Trusty OUT!!!!!

DAISY very well put!!!

@thighofrelief101 sorry I meant to add this to my previous post; I think if anyone moaned about me about their nest egg dropping below £75K I'd flip my shit. honestly that's absurd!

@trustyrustie had she been blocked on your husband's stuff too? Otherwise she will bombard him the poor sod.

No but I'll warn him tomorrow

He's not on FB or insta anyway or any social media, just text / WhatsApp

Yeah cos otherwise she's going to be spamming the fuck out of him.

OP, I know you've blocked, but I did think VelvetFlower's suggestion way down thread was good. This is what she said:

You can just send a text like “hi x, sorry I haven’t been very communicative lately. I’ve been thinking about our friendship and I think it would be best for me if we go our separate ways. I’ve found x things you did lately hurtful & I just think we have drifted apart/have diff priorities/outlooks nowadays. Thanks for all the times you have been there for me anyhow; I still appreciate them all. Wishing you all the best with (the year/your new job/baby/whatever she’s doing atm)”