To "break-up" with a friend?

[trustyrustie]

Long standing friend (25 years) and over the last few years I have really started to seriously dislike this person. Many reasons.

Anyway I've tried distancing myself, declining invites saying I'm busy, leaving long gaps between replies but she is not taking the hint.

She's started texting and whatsapping the same messages to me and even texting my husband when I don't reply.

I really don't want to spend any time with her and I'm running out of excuses as to why I can't meet up, how on earth do you break up with a friend?

Please give me advice!! I would struggle to be really brutal to her as despite my decision I don't have any ill will towards her whatsoever.

Ghosting will hurt her feelings, you just won't have to witness them. Talk to her.

You can just send a text like “hi x, sorry I haven’t been very communicative lately. I’ve been thinking about our friendship and I think it would be best for me if we go our separate ways. I’ve found x things you did lately hurtful & I just think we have drifted apart/have diff priorities/outlooks nowadays. Thanks for all the times you have been there for me anyhow; I still appreciate them all. Wishing you all the best with (the year/your new job/baby/whatever she’s doing atm)”

Sometimes friendships do change. People mature, lives go separate ways. It's happened to me over the years. Explain it to her.

I fell out with a friend of fifteen years a few years ago, and it was bloody awful. Sorry you're being shit on by everyone here, this stuff is really not easy to navigate. You don't have to do this face to face either despite what anyone says. You're allowed to set boundaries.

For me the person became so utterly clingy and dependent on me that I felt horribly smothered and it drove me away. I'm an introvert so my mates know that sometimes I go 'dark' for a week or so just to recoup. They know I will be back and just need time to myself to read and switch off the internet for a bit. The friend I cut things off with wouldn't deal with that well. They would bombard me despite me saying I was going offline for a bit, and needed some solitude. Constant stupid memes and links on WhatsApp (I won't use it now I refuse) and questioning me if it was their fault I needed time to myself. Followed me everywhere online and commented on everything i said and did and it just got to the point where I couldn't cope with it anymore, despite me telling them they needed to calm the fuck down a bit.

I snapped one day and read them the riot act via email and told them in no uncertain terms to leave me the fuck alone. That was about three years ago now, and it was like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. They pestered mutual friends about me for a while but I made it clear to them that I didn't want them to talk about me at all, and they respected that because they were good friends and still are. I think it helps that my closest mates are all introverts like me, and we need time to ourselves a lot, but it doesn't mean we don't love one another.

Do what's best for you. I would write her an email and just make it clear that because she's not taking the hint that you're going to be up front about it. I'm sure that folks will rage about it not being done in person, but your own emotional health is important here. Do what's best for you.

All I would say is that it would be a horrible thing to do to your friend just to stop contacting her after being friends for 25 years. That would be really mean of you. You definitely owe her an explanation.

Artisan i have the same situation with someone. I was so relieved when she moved as she would turn up at my door blubbering about literally everything, always.

Artisan thanks, it's so tough!!!!

It's a dilemma

The more detail you give the more she'll try to find out to change your decision. It could turn into a frustrating and heated argument;

Or ... Ghosting / ignoring and hoping the problem will go away leaves things up in the air and a big question mark over "what did I do??"

The things she says suggests you've known each other so long that she doesn't need to be on her best behaviour, she's giving you her unfiltered thoughts without worrying if it offends or upsets you. That pattern of communication may have existed for years without you saying anything, If you don't want to get into confrontation, you've let it until it's become unacceptable.

If you're convinced the relationship has run its course, be aware that once you've done the needful, that's it you've probably burnt your bridges and said goodbye to 25 years.

If it's what you want, then maybe soften the blow, don't make it personal but say your lives have moved in different directions and the friendship has run its course. At least you're being honest but not cutting or hurtful, it's something you can walk away from with kindness.

I think maybe as mentioned above sending an email or message is the best thing, including examples.

She gets to know that you want no further contact and the reasons why which mean she can reflect on her behaviour and make positive changes.

I think considering the length of your friendship that is the least she deserves.

It will also relieve the dread of her contacting you as you can block her afterwards knowing that she knows not to keep trying to meet anymore

I would not lightly break off such a long standing friendship without an honest conversation, she deserves that at least.

I’ve done both, ghosting just draws it out and I received many emails and texts from the friend who just couldn’t understand, she was a narcisstic who just couldn’t get why I didn’t want to speak to her “but I bought you a wedding present” was one of the comments , it just took too long and was painful, she eventually got the hint after a year!

The other was a friend who after a year of me saying I’m too busy to meet etc wasn’t getting the hint, she had been ghosted by a mutual friend the previous year and couldn’t understand why, again self centred as I knew why and I didn’t want to be friends with her for similar reasons she just could not see that she’d done wrong, so I wrote a lengthy email saying I wish her the best and will always have fond memories but don’t have time for a friendship, she responded angrily and took it personally, I then replied once more with actual legitimate reasons (lying, manipulative behaviour and more) and she went absolutely ape and didn’t once acknowledge or apologise and called me all names under the sun. But I felt relief knowing I didn’t have to pretend anymore, the hardest part was seeing her out with her husband the following week and he literally stood in the middle of the road hands on hips staring at me walking past trying to intimidate me whilst she stayed in the car... it was all quite pathetic!

Anyway I’d say being honest is a bit like ripping a plaster off, painful but quick! I’ve been ghosted by a relative - still have no idea what I’ve done to upset him but he went from texting every week to completely cutting me off and ignoring me to the point of being rude at family get togethers, we were close so it hurts and I’ve asked many times what I’ve done but he refuses to speak to me... so being on the other side I’d say ghosting isn’t the way to go!

This is the other side of the many "why's my best friend ignoring me after all these years?" threads

From your posts you sound a bit self-absorbed & unable to take any criticism. As soon as someone does criticize you, you resort to childish insults but with sympathizers you keep claiming "you don't like confrontation." Maybe your friend's admittedly snarky comments are coming from her being frustrated & fed up with you... Ending the friendship (hopefully you do it respectfully by letting her know why, even if it's a toned done explanation, & not just ghosting her) might be the healthiest thing for both of you.

Like the OP, had a friend since the very first year in school, through college, jobs, children etc.. She was always lecture-y and critical, but I'd known her so long that I just sort of accepted that she was always right and 'we're friends' and I'd be a bit shamefaced about whatever the shortcoming was that had been pointed out to me. Finally one thing happened where I thought 'fuck that for a game of cowboys' ended the friendship (by not replying to any of her messages explaining exactly why she'd done what she did).

The relief! It's been years, but I never want to lay eyes on her again. Just because you've known someone forever doesn't mean they're a friend.

Email her and set out why you feel the relationship has run it’s course.

Maybe a few learning points for her and ensures you act with intergrity.

Ghosting/phasing is a cruel move even if she has been a prick. It leaves the other party bewildered and upset and gives the ghoster a punitive power trip of knowing why but not sharing. Not cool.

I reckon you keep doing what you’re doing. Respond less and less to her, when you do respond don’t do it immediately. Don’t initiate contact. When she suggests meeting up, make excuses or say no I don’t fancy it or no I’m busy. Don’t answer the phone let it go to voicemail etc. The only awkward thing is if she turns up but you can always claim to be just off somewhere so no time to chat. She sounds quite controlling so it might take a while.

Have you considered telling her in an email? I had a long standing friend who had started being very judgemental, and I found that I just didn't want her around me and my family anymore. I would make excuses when she wanted to meet up, but then she started to wonder why I was never available and I realised I had to be straight with her. I couldn't tell her face to face as we lived miles apart, so I sent her a lengthy email explaining how her behaviour made me feel. It turned out I wasn't the only friend that felt that way, others had mentioned it to her. The upshot was that we stayed in contact, although less often than before, but she did modify her behaviour and stopped being so offensive.

Just tell her!

I had this with a very close friend. She was very distant after my third child was born, kept on cancelling meet ups, but insisting nothing was wrong, over more than a year.

I then sent her a message saying I don't think you want to be my friend anymore, and I won't contact you anymore. This gave her the chance to correct me if I was wrong, and also gave me closure that I had done all I could.

She replied saying she no longer wished to be friends. I just wish she had said this a year previously, rather than partially ghosting me, but insisting she wanted to be friends. I wouldn't have wasted time trying to maintain the friendship.

It's best to be direct in these situations. Your friend isn't a mind reader.

I'd either continue to reduce contact or confront her each time she does it.

I saw the counsellor where I work before doing this. She gave me some great advice and assured me that I was not BU to not want to be in my friend’s life anymore. My friend had some great qualities but she took her issues out on everyone else.

As it turned out, we met in a coffee shop and I was all ready to go NC. However, by being honest with her she broke down, took responsibility for the horrible things she’d taken out on her friendship group and it actually saved the relationship. That was about 4 years ago and she’s recently helped me through a really difficult time (just as I have for her in the past). Whichever way it turns out, honesty really is the best policy.

A long term 'friend' ghosted me after i had my last child. No idea why, but on reflection said friend was narcissistic and very immature to the point of abusive. If they got back on contact now id shut them down.

I've broken up with two close friends, at separate times. Both of them had a go at me about something and rather than placate and apologise and try to make it better like I had found previously, I was at the end of my tether and already considering or trying to end the friendship and I just didn't reply. In both cases I think they thought they were not talking to me, and both sooner or later sent me another message to goad. One I just ignored/blocked/deleted and that was that, the other was threatening to take away my access to X (thing that would out me on here) so I agreed with them that the time had come to stop that thing. She flew off her handle with rage, and I stopped replying.

So I found it easier to end both with me just not putting up with goady accusatory shit from them. I'm fairly proud of one, and the other I wish I'd have told her I was breaking up with her, but distancing myself hadn't worked.

I HATE ghosting, I think it's cowardly and hurtful. In your shoes I'd take offence at the next petty snipey comment and walk out and stop replying, so she's got something to hang your behaviour on.

You really do need to tell her somehow OP, ghosting is not fair on the ghostee, even if she isn't very nice!

Agree with an email or a message if you feel you can't talk to her and be firm. Don't engage. Send email, be done. No replying / answering the phone.

Good luck.