To "break-up" with a friend?

[trustyrustie]

Long standing friend (25 years) and over the last few years I have really started to seriously dislike this person. Many reasons.

Anyway I've tried distancing myself, declining invites saying I'm busy, leaving long gaps between replies but she is not taking the hint.

She's started texting and whatsapping the same messages to me and even texting my husband when I don't reply.

I really don't want to spend any time with her and I'm running out of excuses as to why I can't meet up, how on earth do you break up with a friend?

Please give me advice!! I would struggle to be really brutal to her as despite my decision I don't have any ill will towards her whatsoever.

I think it's pretty telling if your friend hasn't asked you what she's done wrong OP. Because perhaps she's not willing to entertain the idea that she could've done something wrong..

OP and the contentious friend sound young enough for this to be a consideration but tbh - I think that this varies with age. I've got friends I've known for >30 years who are older than I am. One of them is obnoxious and very forgetful (not a great combination) but - he's had CVD with incidents, multiple strokes etc. Front lobe damage = negligible inhibition and every negative/inappropriate thought comes out of his mouth. There's also aggression because he doesn't recall conversations - add that to unrepressed misogyny and it's not a good combination.

There comes a time when the first thing that crosses your mind when older friends don't reply, can't organise a meet-up etc. when your default thought is that it's a symptom.

I get that relationships collapse through being nibbled to death by ducks - the accumulation of smaller annoyances and irritations rather than a big event that is an obvious trigger. But if the friend has never been pulled up on this, nor challenged, she won't spontaneously guess that this is the reason.

I get that nobody wants The Conversation but nobody would want to be the person who is ghosted without any explanation (unless you think that she does have insight and is aware that she's been hurting you all of these years).

Just wondering if you had some wine last night, OP. You were pretty confrontational and pissy with one poster, so you obviously do have it in you to be confrontational when you need to be. Maybe have a glass of whatever you were drinking last night and then chat to your friend.

Even if you feel she hasn't been a good friend recently, I think if you have a choice to behave kindly towards someone, you should probably take it. When I say kindly, I don't mean being a doormat. But kindness in this situation would be to make it clear to her that you no longer want to be friends and why. This stops her constantly wondering what went wrong and gives her an opportunity to potentially curb harmful/hurtful behaviours towards other friends in the future. If you don't like confrontation, do it in an email. You don't need to be rude, just be truthful.

The other thing to consider here is that she doesn't sound like someone who will realise she's being ghosted, so the situation could drag on and on, swallowing up more and more of both of your mental energy. Wouldn't you rather this was just done and dusted and you didn't have to agonise over it any more?

It doesn’t sound like you want to continue the friendship which is absolutely your call however ghosting someone is bloody horrible, woman up and be honest with her.

@Juells and @Giraffe what you both describe I wouldn't describe as ghosting.

The definition of Ghosting in my opinion is that somebody drops off the face of the earth with no apparent reason. Like the guy I was supposed to go on a date with, we got in touch on a dating site, we arranged a date, (luckily not fully), an evening of texting straight back and forth having what I thought was a fun time, no apparent red flags, then absolute radio silence. I text and emailed a few times wondering if we were still on for the date and if he was okay, and said that if he'd changed his mind for whatever reason I would be fine with it just let me know. He never did, and I wasted energy wondering if he'd been hit by a bus and was in hospital on life support or if he was just an arse. THAT in my opinion is ghosting, and is cowardly and putting your own mild discomfort at doing the decent thing over their feelings for no good reason.

If you've indicated to somebody that their behaviour is upsetting to you and they haven't apologised or you've got no interest in their apology, or, if like me you've decided to let a fall out become permanent, then cutting contact is not ghosting in my opinion. Just my 2p worth.

If you've indicated to somebody that their behaviour is upsetting to you and they haven't apologised or you've got no interest in their apology, or, if like me you've decided to let a fall out become permanent, then cutting contact is not ghosting in my opinion

Spot on @chakirachakira

You have the right to not continue a relationship for whatever reason, that's not up for debate. But ghosting is extremely an cruel and spineless way of breaking a friendship.

One of the problems with breaking off a long-term friendship is that that friend is 'a witness' to a large part of your life. With the friend I broke with, we formed so many memories together, shared a flat when we first moved away from home, later she and her husband asked me to share their rented house when they had a baby and couldn't afford the rent - that didn't end well as she resented the fact that I was free and she was stuck with a baby, but I overlooked that as she was under stress. Later we lived near to each other and shared school runs. All those times are now as if they didn't happen, as I have no-one to remember them with.

@WhatWouldPaulaDo

No, not at all

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut totally off topic but OMG I love your username!

I've cut two close friendships; one I did tell her why and the other I ghosted.

The behaviour of the first friend just got to be so toxic, she lied to me constantly and was a permanent ball of anger. Nothing was ever her fault, there was always some excuse and she couldn't grow as a person as she would never take on feedback in ANY form from anyone, never learnt a lesson from anything that happened to her. She even had us Wendy someone which I had no idea we had actually done until after I cut her off. She messages me rarely but she hasn't changed. The same shitty tone and attitude is there.

The second person, I was going through an awful time and they did something which was simply the straw that broke the camel's back. I had no energy to sit down and tell her why, I blocked her on all social media as soon as I found out and that was it. She lied to mutual friends about the thing she did that caused it all. They tell me updates occasionally, I just feel a tad sad. I couldn't be what she wanted me to be. I wanted a friend, she wanted me to be her surrogate Mum.

Where has OP gone?

Anyone else feeling like we’re being ghosted?

Jeez, so OP isn't allowed to dislike someone and is a horrible person. If it was her husband or partner and she just didn't like them anymore and they weren't compatible she'd be getting told to ditch them. It's her life and she gets to befriend whom she likes. She came on asking for specific advice on how to do something and she gets judged as being a nasty person. Is someone came on and asked for advice on how to fix a leaky tap would you then judge her on her DIY abilities. FFS Mumsnet at it's worst - again! OP I don't have any advice, it's a difficult thing to have to do but I feel for you getting all this judgey shit from folk who don't even know you.

A long friendship is like a long marriage - you get to a stage where you are absolutely comfortable with each other so you express your views and opinions with no frills. I never go clothes shopping without my oldest friend as she is totally brutally honest about what suits me and what doesn’t. She will also give her opinion on discussions we have even if they don’t align with my own. I sometimes grit my teeth when she gets near the knuckle but as you get older I think you do become a bit tactless. I guess she’s oblivious to you wanting to cut her off as considers you accept each other warts and all. You wouldn’t walk away from a 25 yr marriage with no explanation so don’t walk away from a 25 yr friendship without at least giving her a simple explanation.

Did DE really infringe on the Skinceuticals patent? :O Does this mean they will not longer be able to sell C-Firma? I've yet to try it. :(

It really is hard when a friendship no longer works for you. I had a friend of nearly 40 years (off and on, we had lost touch several times).
There were a few things that led to (on my part anyway) the breakdown of the friendship.
One was the incessant badgering to buy juice plus, going on and on about the benefits of it to you and your children.
The second was her two hen do's; she had been married twice previously but was having a hen do abroad for a weekend and in Newcastle, we live in West Yorkshire. I just couldn't afford either, I'm a single parent and any spare money I have goes on to my family obviously. She then decided to also have a 'hen do meal'; I did go to that; her mum was there and told me I 'hadn't changed since school'. Friend and her two sisters took great delight in telling me their mum had never liked me!
Last straw was I had put some weight on due to medication, friend had done really well dieting and was a size 10. She made the comment, 'angie used to be the pretty one but not since she got fat'. Said in front of about ten of her juice plus friends. I was devastated and didn't know what to say.
After a long think I removed her from all social media and stopped messaging her. I didn't hear from her so assumed she felt the same way. A mutual friend told me she thought I was jealous of her because she was now thin and had a husband to be,
A few months ago she went into the pub my son manages and made a big fuss of saying she knew his mum and we lost touch, she was my best friend from school. She asked if he knew why I'd dropped her, obviously he had no idea, and wouldn't give her my new number.

That was long! What I was eventually going to say is my opinion now is that I should have messaged her and said how I felt and said we didn't have anything in common any more. So I'd suggest that was the best for you OP if you can, rather than ghosting.

Actually I do have some advice. Meet up and explain how you feel, that things she's said over the years have chipped away at you and you just don't have the energy anymore. Thought it best to say it out loud. She'll either be aghast and apologetic which gives the relationship a chance as the terms have been set out and if they are broken then it gives you a reason to end the relationship and she knows why. Or she'll be aghast and take the hump in which case you can end the relationship anyway. Neither option is easy but better than ghosting. Sounds like the relationship is toxic

I did this last year, a 40 year long friendship, and ended it for the same reasons. I started to detest how awfully she treated others (though not me). I tried dropping hints, backing off but it didn’t work. In the end I spoke to her twice on the phone and explained why I needed to back away. She tried to instigate contact once or twice since and both times I fobbed her off. She finally understood after that and now we have no contact. I was cowardly in not addressing it sooner but that was born out of really not liking her anymore and seeing her terrible treatment of friends. I don’t regret ending it

Hi OP.
I've had to do this and very sad to say I just ghosted the friend in question.
To be honest I found it easy as the friend hasn't exactly been nice and we had already stopped meeting up.
I hated the way she made me feel. If I posted anything on social media she would put up a snide status basically slagging me off.
I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and consider that perhaps I was being paranoid but it kept happening.
I even asked her outright if she was talking about me but she would make some excuse. I let her make me feel shit about myself.
She wasn't a nice person at all really looking back. We met when we worked together and she was slightly senior to me. Whenever we had a new member of staff join, especially younger females she would go out of her way to be nasty and then laugh if she made them cry. Almost as if it was an initiation.
I basically blocked her on all social media, blocked her number on my phone and decided not to use sites like Facebook as much so that she couldn't hear about anything through mutual friends.
I felt like a weight had been lifted and although ghosting sounds like a horrible way to go, it was the quickest way to make myself feel better.

I doubt she cared that much tbh. I always got the sense that she didn't like me anyway!

I always got the sense that she didn't like me anyway!

Some people don't like anybody. But a 'friendship' where one of the friends chips away at the other constantly, letting you know that you're vaguely irritating, is awful :( My ex-friend was always volunteering things like "I've noticed you do X, Y and Z..." - all perfectly normal innocuous things but then I'd be second-guessing myself. I think it's about feeling superior, being able to bring someone else down and make them anxious.

You are right @Juells I do think it was about superiority. She never seemed happy for anyone. If anyone had any good news she would have something mean to say to put them down.
I honestly hope she has mellowed in the 4 years since the friendship ended as I don't think she can be happy being like that.

I don't understand why people don't take hints though? If you ask if someone wants to meet up and they say "hmm, no i don't fancy meeting up" without ever trying to make an arrangement or wanting to meet and responds to about 1 in 20 communications and has been doing that for years - can't a person think "oh we must have moved on" and just leave it.

Thanks for all the replies, I was not expecting so many!!! I still don't know what I'm going to do but I certainly don't want to meet up, tricky thing is we live not too far away about 12 miles so we may bump into each other or she may even turn up at the house 😱

But that’s what I said to a friend @thighofrelief101 after several cancellations from a mate and got my arse handed to me as she had started a hugely demanding project at work and working all hours.

BUT I do smell her “going off me” and I’m not immune to BS but have to take what she’s said at face value.

This is why it’s SO important to just put the other person right - always.