To "break-up" with a friend?

[trustyrustie]

Long standing friend (25 years) and over the last few years I have really started to seriously dislike this person. Many reasons.

Anyway I've tried distancing myself, declining invites saying I'm busy, leaving long gaps between replies but she is not taking the hint.

She's started texting and whatsapping the same messages to me and even texting my husband when I don't reply.

I really don't want to spend any time with her and I'm running out of excuses as to why I can't meet up, how on earth do you break up with a friend?

Please give me advice!! I would struggle to be really brutal to her as despite my decision I don't have any ill will towards her whatsoever.

@trusty I recently had to do this for a variety of reasons. I told the friend why though as ghosting isnt the best way to do it and actually i wanted her to know as she had behaved badly and lied. She didnt take it well but I am glad I said something

I think if someone makes you feel rubbish why have them in your life. Arrange to meet up with her and just say I think our friendship has run it’s course. I come away feeling rubbish after seeing you etc etc. I think she deserves an explanation after 25 years of friendship.

I think 'ghosting' is a really subjective term. Its possible that the leaving friend has given plenty of reasons why the friendship is ending but these have been ignored or dismissed.

In my own situation i would probably be accused of ghosting but it would be because i refused to change my mind. In my case my long standing friend did something unforgivable. The friendship had been struggling for a long period prior to this. It was a friendship started in childhood because our mums were friends and continued in that context. There was never a feeling of honesty but more of walking on eggshells so as not to rock the boat. Until the incident occurred i never really understood how competitve she was and how there must have been some deep seated resentment. Anyway after it happened it was communicated to her what my issue was (it was bloody obvious tbf!). She refused to accept any responsibility and even a year or so later contacted me with a flippant 'have you gotten over it yet' kind of message. It made me more angry.

I'm sure she is saying that i ghosted her but it really wasn't that simple.

The thing is that not everyone is reflective and willing to consider their part in what has gone wrong in a relationship. I've ended a v long term friendship. Similar to previous posters there was constant negging and it was always all about her. I once went to a funeral when young of a friend. I met up with her in the evening as I was devastated. She went on about some bloke she fancied and how hard it was that he wasn't interested.

I had always been her chief supporter, whenever anything was wrong I'd been there for her. I sometimes felt her family thought I was a bit of a ghoul because I was always there for the tough times: when her mother died; when she lost her job; when she had a row with her boyfriend. I just thought that was what was being a good friend. But I think she secretly despised me. When we were both off with maternity leave (her first, my second) she'd moan about her friends not wanting to meet up while simultaneously never being available for me. She wanted to hang out with more glamorous people while keeping me there to have her back when things went wrong. The thing is though, I wasn't her mother.

In the end I just snapped and had enough of the moodiness and the passive aggressive insults. I just texted to say I didn't want to see for a while. She didn't ever ask why. If she'd really wanted to repair the relationship she would have asked why and tried to work on it. She never did although she still continues to text occasionally.

I decided for once to put myself first and stop giving her my energy. I knew it wouldn't have ended well for me to have a conversation with her. She would have hit out because that's what narcissistic people do. She wouldn't have reflected and tried to repair things. I felt like I'd given enough and didn't owe her any more. I think it's pretty telling if your friend hasn't asked you what she's done wrong OP. Because perhaps she's not willing to entertain the idea that she could've done something wrong..

giraffe I think it's only helpful to give a reason for ending the friendship, if you are prepared to accept an apology and repair the relationship. If you aren't (which is your choice), then best to just be direct about ending the friendship, without giving a reason.

So is Iwantmyhatback purporting to be the friend?

I've been ghosted before by a friend in my home country after i moved abroad. She suddenly cut contact after i shared (tearfully) with her that I'd done something shitty (not to her, nothing to do with her). Not a word was uttered and it was pretty hard. I think it was that conversation that did it, but will never know, and it could have been anything really.

I've had to back off from several intense friendships but without ghosting or bust ups, just grew apart. I think we all realised it was for the best.

So I think after 25 years if she's not getting the message, send her a mail and block her on phone/ social media but maybe allow some email exchange in case she had questions.

I'm in a situation right now where I'd happily go nc with my SIL but can't because of family so no idea how to manage that one other than unfollowing on social media!

I feel very sorry for your friend. I think she is owed an explanation.

Ghosting is awful.
Write to her if you can't do it F2F.
Unless she's truly awful, ghosting is just cruel.

Quite possibly but sometimes it just isn't that logical. If someone is deeply hurt (and in my case traumatised) by someone else's actions then why is the onus on me to sit down and give them closure? Respect goes both ways. In my case reasons were given very clearly but not accepted.

You keep saying you don’t want to upset her but ghosting her will upset her! Plus she’s been horrible and blunt to you and not cared so if your honest with her then you’ve done all you can.

Tell her you feel no ill will towards her but feel you've grown apart and won't have much in common anymore. Do it by email if that's easier.

Have it out with her. Does she have any redeeming features? Is she always judgemental? I'd have a chat calling her out when she is rude as it might turn things round

I did this to a friend. When I didn’t reply she literally started texting me 10x a day asking what I was doing, telling me she was having her tea etc. In the end I said look I just don’t think we have anything in common anymore as we have changed since school. And she said I was ‘jealous’ of her. Which was one of the main reasons I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore as she constantly put me down and seemed to think I was envious of her, when in fact I felt quite sorry for her. Her response told me I did the right thing!

Why don’t you just tell her you feel hurt when she’s being judgmental and unsupportive? It seems O.T.T to dump a friend of 25 years. I think there’s more to it than the tiny info about her you’re telling us.

I ended a friendship of ten plus years. Honestly I am so much happier now!

Ex friend was full on, constant texts calls etc. I felt like I spoke to her more than my DH!

Anyway, one night out with a group of us I decided I couldn't do it anymore. She used to insult and embarrass me, especially when others were around. That night she had been awful and I thought fuck it, I left and didn't speak to her again.

I found out afterwards that she told another friend I'd left because of her (like I'd left because of the innocent friend who I hadn't spoke to all night)? She is toxic and will happily turn others against each other.

It's been about 7 years now, if we bump into each other we will smile and carry on walking. Exactly how I want it to be and it makes my life so much easier

Please don't ghost her, it's very cruel.

I don't really suggest face to face.

I would wait until the next episode of texting you in every way possible including your DH and respond with something like

"I really think we need to step back a bit from our friendship, your too much and it's getting out of hand texting my DH when I don't respond. I need a break from you!"

Sounds a bit pathetic but surely she would get the hint

You're* sorry I've had little sleep and I didn't reread!

Giraffe
In my own situation i would probably be accused of ghosting but it would be because i refused to change my mind. In my case my long standing friend did something unforgivable.

Sounds the same as what happened with me. I got no apology, even when I told her how unfair she'd been - she lied that I'd said something horrible, because it suited her, and refused to admit that to the person she'd lied to. I asked her several times to tell the truth, each time she emailed back (I was living abroad at the time) with explanations for why she didn't want to do that. Eventually I stopped asking and stopped replying, so I don't think it was ghosting, more giving up. Every so often something will remind me of her, and all I feel is relief that she isn't in my life any longer, making me feel not-quite-good-enough.

Maybe she feels the same way and feels obliged to keep up the friendship for fear of offending you.
Sometimes the only way to resolve situations like this is by both of you being open and honest. It will either clear the air and get things back on track or you will both appreciate that your friendship has run its course and part on good terms.
Communication is always the key. Prevents people from hanging in mid air wondering what they may have done wrong etc.

I do agree with others as well in that in doesn’t have to be face to face. An email or text would be sufficient then you’ve told her but you can then control or ignore any backlash

Is there a reason you end up meeting up with her? Can't you just make it really clearly you find her behaviour unacceptable when you see her. If someone said the things you said that she said in you examples I'd be calling them out on it there and then and making it clear that it's out of order. It's less dramatic than either ghosting her or having a 'talk' about why you want to dump her.

If you end up having to meet up with her again then can you tell her beforehand that you don't want her to make nasty comments. Be blunt with her.

Op, if after the comments she’d made to you that you’ve mentioned, she’d apologised (and you knew she meant it) for making you feel bad, do you think you’d be less inclined to feel you wanted to end the friendship?

You need to tell her.

Yes, it'll be tough, but you only have to do it once.

After 25 years, she deserves to know. I once had a relationship with someone who expected me to "take the hint" that he wanted to break up with me. That's incredibly cruel. Don't be cruel to spare yourself the discomfort of manning up.