To "break-up" with a friend?

[trustyrustie]

Long standing friend (25 years) and over the last few years I have really started to seriously dislike this person. Many reasons.

Anyway I've tried distancing myself, declining invites saying I'm busy, leaving long gaps between replies but she is not taking the hint.

She's started texting and whatsapping the same messages to me and even texting my husband when I don't reply.

I really don't want to spend any time with her and I'm running out of excuses as to why I can't meet up, how on earth do you break up with a friend?

Please give me advice!! I would struggle to be really brutal to her as despite my decision I don't have any ill will towards her whatsoever.

Or if you cannot have a conversation, write her an email mail or message, at least she will know and can move on. Don't just leave her hanging.

I've had this both ways. I had to cut contact with one friend after she got so bad to be I was starting to hate myself. I'd just got out of a horribly controlling relationship and it took me a while to recognise how bad she was for me. She used me, and it wasn't healthy for either of us. I did talk to her about it though.

The other one was a friend of almost 30 years. I fucked up massively and because of that one thing she blocked all contact. I don't know if there was more. I'll never know. There was a brief email exchange, I don't think she'll ever understand how broken I felt. It's a long time ago now and I still think about her. She probably thinks I acted like a twat and didn't care.... It's the absolute opposite of the truth.
I'll never get over how 'disposable' I was though.

I trusted her. I now feel like all my friendships are so fucking fragile and I don't fully trust them. It's been really altering and I'll never forgive her for how she dropped me. I don't understand how you can do that to someone you've known for 3/4 of your life

So yeah.

Talk. To. Her.

how close do you live to one another? what is your joint social circle like ? can you close the door easily or are there cross over groups clubs etc ..

Funny it's 25 years you've been friends, because you sound about 15.

rustie nothing you’ve said seems that bad. After 25 years it sounds like she’s being honest but I guess it depends how she said it.
If my best friend told me she didn’t like my bag or my phone was shit or I needed to lose weight i’d just laugh and tell her she was a cheeky bitch, if she said something hurtful, I’d probably say oi you’ve gone too far with that one rein it in will you.
Nothing you’ve said would make me go home and think I had to cut them off completely

Fuck.

☹️☹️☹️

Why are so many poster's saying 'man up'. Sheesh. It's a woman yes? How about 'put your big girl pants on' or 'act like an adult'.

Very similar situation happened with me and a friend I used to work with (bit difficult to cut her out of my life whilst still seeing her at work)
I didn't confront her directly but cut almost all contact with her apart from the bare minimum required at work. She noticed a change in our friendship and invited me for a last minute night out with her boyfriend and a mutual friend.
It was a fun night - although it ended up with her boyfriend trying to snog me - and our friendship ended there and then!

Yeah, that would have been a brilliant insult if you didn't have the word DOLL in your name.... seriously get a life, sat at home on a Saturday night scrolling through a thread, finger poised and trembling with anticipation to tap out such a well thought out and witty remark 🙄

I was in a very similar position OP, my friend never took the hints, if anything she became more persistent. She upset me every time we met, everything was a competition and she was blunt to the point of rudeness. Eventually I agreed to meet up and was totally honest, I told her I didn't think our friendship was the same, her comments upset me and that we were not really getting along anymore, I wasn't unkind, just to the point. At first she looked angry but then started to agree with (some) of my comments, we parted amicably and she never got in touch again. I don't regret it, it is supposed to be fun and pleasurable meeting friends, not treading on eggshells and being upset about rude remarks. Just tell her, you will feel a hell of a lot better.

I'm not sure what I'll do but it's been helpful reading the comments, it's an incredible shame that I'm at this point but it's really a cross roads for me now, how long do I keep planning to spend time in the company if someone who I dislike?

@trustierustie

Yeah, that would have been a brilliant insult if you didn't have the word DOLL in your name.... seriously get a life, sat at home on a Saturday night scrolling through a thread, finger poised and trembling with anticipation to tap out such a well thought out and witty remark. 🙄

WTF has my name having DOLL in it got to do with anything?

I rest my case. You sound very immature. Yep ghost your friend, just do it. Probably do her a favour tbh.

After 25 years of friendship ghosting her would be cruel. Be honest but kind. Say you feel you have grown apart and you no longer have anything in common. You don't have to be friends with someone but you don't have to treat them like dirt.

Ah thanks for your input, hope it's inflated your self esteem enough to make you feel proud 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

hearty It's a struggle because I don't want to upset her I just don't want to be around her, I'll have to give it some pondering I think xxxx

Have you always had these issues with her or is it a recent personality change? I've recently had issues with a close friend who I've know for 35 years. I've been pissed off but I wouldn't drop the friendship I'm just trying to figure out why they have changed. Unless this friend was never very close to you you sound pretty callous tbh.

you should just meet her in a neutral place and tell her straight. Give her the examples you said on here and then tell her you have just grown apart. It's not nice and clearly not working to phase someone out after 25years. it's cowardly and not nice of you. Just tell her especially after 25 years.

Looks like your friend is on Mumsnet, OP.

Have you ever actually called her out on it?

"is that a new bag?"
"it sucks."
"well that's pretty rude!"

"is my skirt too short?"
"no, you're too fat"
"that's really hurtful!"

If her answer is "tough" they you leave / end the call.

However if you've ignored it for 25 "years it's probably a bit late. I'd tell her you feel like you've grown apart and have started to dislike how she treats you. It's better just to not see each other any more."

@trustyrustie I had a friend like this, f* years - I am sure you've got plenty reasons for wanting to stop relationship. Just cut her off, ignore her.

OP, I've tried to do this.

My friend was the narcissistic type. I felt bad for her, but it got draining after a while. She eventually said something that was extremely hurtful and didn't see the issue. I tried to have a frank conversation with her, but it ended with her saying that I wouldn't be trying to distance myself from her if I didn't have some pretty serious, unaddressed mental health problems (she's not a professional who can diagnose these things).

Sometimes, a frank conversation doesn't help. Try it, but unfortunately, you may have to ghost her.

I'm still trying to put distance between myself and my frenemy. It's not always easy.

I was ghosted by a friend of 10yrs, as others have said it was horrid to feel that disposable & not know what you did wrong. I’d talk to her about it or at least send a text/email explaining (if even just out of respect for the gd friendship times u presumably spent at some point!)

Ghosting is cruel. A long friendship doesn't deserve that. Call it a day. Fine. Tell her why. If you can't face meeting to tell her then text/message.

I also think ghosting sometimes just makes more drama cos there’s no closure- for me my friend hinted that I’d done something but wouldn’t tell me what, I spent weeks angsting over what it could’ve been and apologising for anything I could think of lol. I’m not entirely sure there actually was anything. She never told me or any of our mutual friends what I’d done. I think she found it entertaining me trying to guess.. but anyhow if she’d just said we’d grown apart and she’d rather not be friends it would’ve been much simpler/faster.