To "break-up" with a friend?

[trustyrustie]

Long standing friend (25 years) and over the last few years I have really started to seriously dislike this person. Many reasons.

Anyway I've tried distancing myself, declining invites saying I'm busy, leaving long gaps between replies but she is not taking the hint.

She's started texting and whatsapping the same messages to me and even texting my husband when I don't reply.

I really don't want to spend any time with her and I'm running out of excuses as to why I can't meet up, how on earth do you break up with a friend?

Please give me advice!! I would struggle to be really brutal to her as despite my decision I don't have any ill will towards her whatsoever.

She’s not bothering you... she’s just continuing the friendship and giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Exactly.

Maybe she's the one who should have dropped you if this is how you treat people.

I broke up with my best friend after I met my husband. She totally changed towards me as she wasn't in a relationship and admitted herself when we talked that it was out of jealousy. She made snide comments and was never happy for me. I felt like I was walking on eggshells with everything I said or did and it began to feel horrible. I don't think you sound horrible OP if you don't want to be friends you don't want to be friends! My friend and I did end up having the talk because I couldn't ignore it anymore, I told her I felt we had grown apart and she acknowledged that she hadn't been nice for a long time and wanted to remain friends but tbh it had gone on a few years and I just didn't see a way back. By then I didn't like her at all and as you are you realise you don't have time for people like that in your life only people that make you happy

Mammylamb that's interesting as someone on the receiving end, I really don't want to upset her just phase things out really

I was hoping she would just catch the hint and stop bothering
Me

I doubt she's realised that she's "bothering" you. She probably believes she's simply trying to maintain a friendship that was good enough for you for 25 years.

You are going to have to tell her straight.

I've never looked back by the way. It made me so happy getting rid of such a toxic person that made me so anxious. It wasn't always like that though for years we had a great relationship

I think knowing the context would help us advise OP.

I once ghosted my best friend which is a very cowardly thing to do but she was manipulative and abusive and i was genuinely scared of her. So in the circumstances, since i couldn't "break up" with her without getting sucked back into her web, cutting all contact was the best thing to do.

I recently broke up with another friend as I felt she was selfish and not adding to my life anymore. However I explained to her that I didn't think we could be friends anymore... it was the least I could do given our friendship. Different situation though as she wasn't toxic and I knew she'd be rational enough to accept my decision even if she didn't like it.

Unless your friend is a toxic person, I think you do owe her a proper break up. What you're doing at the moment is mean and cowardly sorry to say.

SB its a very similar story to mine tbf, I'm dreading having to have the 'chat' I loathe confrontation

Yeah, we kind of did. We had a bit of a row where we both said a few things, made up then realised it wasn’t working out. We’re both better off not being in each other’s lives.

You don’t have to be friends with anyone you don’t want to. You’re not doing them any favours by sticking around. If you don’t want to be friends then you and your friend will be better off.

Few examples

Her: 'What did u get for Xmas?' ... 'this bag'.... (looks at bag) 'oh I don't
Like it'

Me: this dress is too short for
Me.... her: you just need to lose weight

Me: oh I'll get a photo of this... her: what, on that shit phone? No I'll take
It on mine

Me: I've had a touch of PND... her: oh u just need to force yourself to snap out of it

I broke up with one of my close friends because her husband was consistently vile and rude to me and she wouldn't do anything about it. I did tell her why though. I wouldn't have just ghosted her.

Its a tricky one OP.

You say you wish her no ill will ... but also that she's done "plenty". Which leads me to think that she has hurt you quite badly, and you don't want to talk to her. So for those reasons, maybe you don't want to explain, even after 25 years.

So just keep distancing yourself until she gets the message. Just stop responding if need be. Your husband doesn't have to reply either.

I don't like the ghosting thing either tbh, I just don't want her in my life anymore, I'm scared the 'chat' she may try and win me round

Pearly thanks xxxxxx

Given your examples she doesn't sound like much of a friend. Just explain that you struggle with her negativity towsrds you which has been affecting your self esteem and so you don't want to see or contact her for a while... that you hope she understands.

Easier said than done though to be fair...

I'm afraid to say I just ghosted.... I blocked all forms of contact and waited it out.

I think with some people that's the only way, especially if it's because they are a bit toxic that you dont want to be friends any more. If you try and have 'the conversation' with them they will use it as a debate not a goodbye. I just didnt want to have to listen to the torrent of criticism so I just ghosted.
It's been ten years since i did it and I've not heard from her at all since and it's the best thing i ever did!

Ribbons did u block on social
Media/ phone etc?

I think the thing to do is to end the conversation when she's said something rude. Either stop texting or if she's with you, say straightaway that you have to go. She's not going to take the hint otherwise.

Send a text:
«Dear stbxf,
It’s not working out between us, I’m ending it.
I’m sorry it’s not me, it’s you.»

Yes blocked on all social media, changed my email address and got a new phone with a new number!!
I didnt live in the same city as her at the time so didnt risk running into her.

A couple of years afterwards I did run into her randomly but she just ignored me and I ignored her.

OP I can understand why you want rid. But given how long you have known her can I suggest the next time you meet up and she starts being rude, try challenging her by telling how hurtful you find her endless comments. In that way you are giving her the chance to address her behaviour and if she can't/won't and you then cut her off, she can't say she doesn't know why. But I wouldn't see someone like that as a friend. She's being overly familiar and lacking respect for you.

I have broken off a friendship before where I felt I was just being used.
I just wrote an email that explained why I felt so let down and that I didn't want to continue being friends. She did respond and offered an explanation about what a tough time she had been having but that was my point - I had supported her through so many tough times and when I needed a bitof support she had no time for me but was still able to socialise with others.

I also - about 10 years ago- cut a cousin out if my life who had treated me meanly since we were kids. I never explained and never responded to her attempts to try to make me. I still speak to her parents but have never regretted removing her from my life. She was absolutely mean and sly and I put up with it for years. I am much happier without her.

25 years is a bloody long friendship.

Of course you should be friends with who you want, but "I don't like your bag" etc seems a rather flimsy thing to end a friendship over.

And having experienced ghosting, I can tell you that the not knowing is quite cruel. And I think it's cowardly of the ghoster to leave someone hurt and confused rather than go through the personal discomfort of having an honest conversation with them. But, then I've never ghosted anyone

This was done to me ... it took me quite a long time to work out that my friend's behaviour had changed. Sadly, it appeared that I was just no fun any more, due to illness and depression. I was going to try and talk to her about it, but there was never an opportunity to bring it up. I happened to be going to counselling at the time it was happening, and spent hours trying to work out what had gone wrong, before realising that she just wasn't the person I thought she was, and in particular that our friendship wasn't that special to her. Having accepted that she's been quite rude and dismissive to me on many occasions, I've stopped expecting very much from her.

There's no 'kind' or 'nice' way to put across to someone that you don't value their friendship, but ghosting is pretty vile IMO.

I would just block and delete on all phones and social media including your husbands phone so she can't contact him.

Funny... I have spent this evening wondering if I should ‘break up’ with a friend of twenty years following a bit of a spat on FB.

He’s done a few things in recent years that have made me think he’s not an entirely nice person. And whilst his politics was never quite on the same page as mine, he has become more extreme as he’s grown older.

Usually I turn a blind eye, but this afternoon he posted a video of Katy Hopkins spouting shite and I couldn’t leave it unchallenged. He and his Daily Fail reading friends piled on and I ended up feeling a bit savaged.

I know, I know, don’t get into arguments on FB etc etc; but it’s left me feeling like I don’t know why I’m still friends with him. Our lives have diverted, I hardly ever see him nowadays anyway, but it seems so final to ‘break up’. It’s interesting to hear pp’s experiences of doing just that.