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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I might be being used?

129 replies

smithy1991 · 05/01/2019 11:00

Ready for a telling off here to be honest. I think I've been really stupid.

Been with OH for 3 years, had a good relationship, we have lived together for the last 18 months and paid everything 50:50.

The last 9 months or so have been quite rocky.

Both of us not as happy as we had been. I'd noticed a massive drop in his efforts and interest. He never wants to spend time with me, completely lost interest in sex (he's even told me he just doesn't have the urge anymore - before he was very active). So obviously I've been questioning things, been very upset and felt unwanted, so I've spoke to him and he always says I'm being paranoid and that he definitely wants to be with me etc. But nothing changes. We sit separately in the house, no time together, no interest in my life whatsoever. But he doesn't leave.

I'm only now just realising, he knows that a few months ago I was left some money by a family member, since then. He quit his job (was out of work for a while but back working now) and since then hasn't paid a penny towards the house or anything else. He has pretty much rinsed all of the money I got left whilst I haven't touched it for myself because I was hoping to keep it for a house deposit or something useful. Every day he tells me he needs some money for something, and I know I should have been saying no but he gets so moody with me when I say no and says I'm being spiteful and cruel and he's going to pay me back. Well it's been 3 months now and I haven't received a penny from him for the money he owes me, nor anything towards the house.

It's dawning on me, he doesn't love me anymore, and he's staying because why the hell not! I make his life a million times easier and he is just happily rinsing through my money.

FWIW, he's my partner and I'd always help him out, but I think now it's clear he's taking me for a ride.

I know I've been extremely naive and stupid, but every time I've asked him about his feelings or said I am going to leave because I feel so unhappy, he's so good at convincing me everything is ok and to stay, until I stay and then we're back to normal.

So what do you think, am I being used or am I just being a little bit paranoid? Thank you in advance - sorry if I sound pathetic just getting quite desperate now.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 05/01/2019 11:02

You're right. He's only interested in your money. You need to get away from this man. Do you share a mortgage?

Original poster
smithy1991 · 05/01/2019 11:03

No we just rent, I'm so upset. How did I miss this for so long!?

OP posts:
mimibunz · 05/01/2019 11:03

Sorry to say I think you’re right. Forget what he says, it’s his actions that are telling you the real story. You’re not pathetic for trusting a man you love! What are you prepared to do?

blackteasplease · 05/01/2019 11:04

Get away from him straight away.

LovingLola · 05/01/2019 11:06

Do you have children with him?

HollowTalk · 05/01/2019 11:06

You missed it because you're a nice, decent woman who wouldn't dream of doing this to someone.

Get yourself off to the estate agent's or onto Gumtree today.

LuckyLou7 · 05/01/2019 11:08

You've realised what he's like in time to tell him to jog on. Don't feel any guilt about ending it. He's probably chuffed with himself for his cushy life with you bankrolling him. New year, new start - dump him.

echt · 05/01/2019 11:08

I was about to say he's a cocklodger, but that would be to dignify his behaviour.

He's a leech. Kick him to the kerb.

KatsutheClockworkOctopus · 05/01/2019 11:10

Why did he quit his job. Was it making him unhappy or was it just he didn't think he needed to keep on when you had money?

If you do decide to leave him, I'd suggest keeping any texts/messages where he acknowledges owing you money or says he will pay you back. This would help you pursue trying to recover the money, if you wished to.

recklessruby · 05/01/2019 11:17

Sorry but it does seem as if he thinks your money is also his money and should be used to fund his lazy lifestyle!
Get rid of him and never ever tell any future partners about any money you may receive unexpectedly like this.
If someone loves you they would love you whether you were a millionaire or dirt poor.

Turin · 05/01/2019 11:20

What does he do all day OP?

SO glad you are not married or have children with this cretin! Ask him to leave and have a friend with you if needed.

How much does he owe you?

Angrybird345 · 05/01/2019 11:29

Make plans to get rid but try and get some of your money back. How much has he taken?

Original poster
smithy1991 · 05/01/2019 11:31

Yeah he was very unhappy at his job, came home one day and said he'd quit. No discussion nothing. He'd never have done it if I hadn't had the money though.

OP posts:
Original poster
smithy1991 · 05/01/2019 11:32

Almost £5k plus the rent and bills I've had to pay. I dread to think to be honest.

I can't believe someone I love so much would treat me like a bloody bank. Why would he do it? Just coz he can I guess?

OP posts:
ambereeree · 05/01/2019 11:33

He's using you. He knows as an unmarried partmer he has no right to it so is staying to spend it all.
Leave him today and buy a house

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 05/01/2019 11:33

Has he not made any effort to find a new job? Didn't you question that?!

HollowTalk · 05/01/2019 11:34

Get out immediately. You probably won't see any of that money again - in his head that was joint money because it belonged to you and he knew you'd share it with him. Who comes home and says they've packed in work, knowing that their partner's too nice to object? A leech, that's who.

theworldistoosmall · 05/01/2019 11:35

He quit his job when you came into some money? Says it all.
Show him how spiteful and cruel you can be and dump his arse to the kerb. But unfortunately, unless you can prove that the money you have given him wasn't a gift there's little chance of getting any back.

Stay as you are and either he will leave when the cash has gone or continue with the free ride.

HollowTalk · 05/01/2019 11:36

Just thinking... whose names are on the tenancy?

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 05/01/2019 11:43

Do you have any of the inheritance left?

If so, put it away somewhere else right now. Stop giving him money. Make him pay rent. He’s working now after all.

See how long he stays.

Cuddlykitten123 · 05/01/2019 11:45

Start quietly getting yourself ready to leave and try to recoup all the cash you can from him; 'your back in work so can take over the rent/bills for the same months i paid them alone (conviently getting your name off them if possible)', ' I leant you £20 last week I need it back for petrol' etc.

Then when your sorted just walk.

ambereeree · 05/01/2019 11:48

Write off the money you wasted on him as a life lesson. As a PP said don't discuss your finances with future partners.

Eliza9917 · 05/01/2019 11:51

Did you have a conversation about him paying rent/bills again once he started working again?

I don't understand how someone could be such a cheeky fucker as to not offer up their share.

Let alone give up work and expect to be paid for.

Missingstreetlife · 05/01/2019 11:51

At least you know now. Tell him you are not happy, how much he owes you in back rent at least (was it loans or gifts?). Get out or put him out.
If you don't want to split give him a deadline He needs to step up financially and in the relationship. If he pleads depression get him to the doctor. Think about relate or other counselling. Don't put up with it for long, it will destroy your relationship, if that's not already done.

trulybadlydeeply · 05/01/2019 11:52

Yep, you've been used, totally. But it stops now. I hope you have money left from your inheritance that you can spend on building a lovely new life for yourself.

I agree that you should save any messages, emails, transactions etc that show that the money you gave him was a loan until he found new employment. Sadly, though, I wonder if you will ever get any of this back.

Focus on getting rid of him as quickly as possible, he's not worth a second more of your time.

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