To think I might be being used?

[smithy1991]

Ready for a telling off here to be honest. I think I've been really stupid.

Been with OH for 3 years, had a good relationship, we have lived together for the last 18 months and paid everything 50:50.

The last 9 months or so have been quite rocky.

Both of us not as happy as we had been. I'd noticed a massive drop in his efforts and interest. He never wants to spend time with me, completely lost interest in sex (he's even told me he just doesn't have the urge anymore - before he was very active). So obviously I've been questioning things, been very upset and felt unwanted, so I've spoke to him and he always says I'm being paranoid and that he definitely wants to be with me etc. But nothing changes. We sit separately in the house, no time together, no interest in my life whatsoever. But he doesn't leave.

I'm only now just realising, he knows that a few months ago I was left some money by a family member, since then. He quit his job (was out of work for a while but back working now) and since then hasn't paid a penny towards the house or anything else. He has pretty much rinsed all of the money I got left whilst I haven't touched it for myself because I was hoping to keep it for a house deposit or something useful. Every day he tells me he needs some money for something, and I know I should have been saying no but he gets so moody with me when I say no and says I'm being spiteful and cruel and he's going to pay me back. Well it's been 3 months now and I haven't received a penny from him for the money he owes me, nor anything towards the house.

It's dawning on me, he doesn't love me anymore, and he's staying because why the hell not! I make his life a million times easier and he is just happily rinsing through my money.

FWIW, he's my partner and I'd always help him out, but I think now it's clear he's taking me for a ride.

I know I've been extremely naive and stupid, but every time I've asked him about his feelings or said I am going to leave because I feel so unhappy, he's so good at convincing me everything is ok and to stay, until I stay and then we're back to normal.

So what do you think, am I being used or am I just being a little bit paranoid? Thank you in advance - sorry if I sound pathetic just getting quite desperate now.

He’s a gold digger and you really need to get shot. Can you kick him out?

Time to show him the door. He'll be going anyway once the money is gone.

I'd tell him the relationship was over and it was time for him to go. He wouldn't be getting another penny off me that's for sure. Your being badly used.

Do you think he quit his job or was he sacked? There's something else going on, like another relationship, paying for sex, gambling, drinking or a combination of those. If you've been working you've no idea what he's been doing to occupy his time.

What do you want to do OP? Can you leave him or get him to leave, whichever would suit you - obviously make sure you are ok with the tenancy agreement first. Tell him you want that money back and put it in writing? If there is no real relationship remaining then as painful as it is, its over. As of now.

Smithy, seriously, he needs to go - get him out (or you go). He will continue to leech off you if you let him (because why wouldn't he, its worked well so far). I was an idiot and put up with it for years - because I thought we were committed/in love/blah blah - didn't count for anything when he took my money and cheated anyway. Soooo much happier now he is gone!

Sorry OP, even without him spending all your inheritance, it sounds like it's over. it will be painful, you may never understand why.
But please pull on your big girl pants & tell him he can take his sponging arse elsewhere.

Try and create some evidence of the money he owes you. Text/email him a breakdown and get him to confirm it. Somehow.

Put the money into an account he can't access. Preferably one that is locked in for a year or two.

Accept that the £5k is probably gone. But think of it as a small cost to get rid of him.

Sell anything he's bought to reclaim some money.

Don't let him know that you have figured it all out until you are ready to kick him out.

Thank you all. I think it's safe to say I've been very naive and I'm pretty angry with myself right now.

Don’t be angry with yourself. Channel your anger on him for using you.

You did what any normal person would do - trust that someone who loves you wouldn’t treat you this way.

Better find out now than later. Best wishes for a new start and new year

I've just told him how I feel and he stomped out saying that he can't believe I'd suggest that. If someone I loved told me they felt like I was using them I'd stand my ground to reassure them. Taking this as yet another sign he's been taking me for a ride and fingers crossed he stays away for tonight.

Well done! You’ve rattled his cage! Hope you are okay and not feeling guilty.

I think it's safe to say I've been very naive and I'm pretty angry with myself right now

Don’t be angry with yourself be angry at him! You did all to approach the subject so quickly well done

If he is not working, he shoud be signing on at the job centre for job seekers or UC. Don't give him any more money. He is by the sound of it fit and healthy and he can work !

He'll be back, saying he's sorry etc he should make more effort....
he doesn't want to have to leave suddenly. Too bad eh. Lock the door, leave the key in the lock & turn off your phone.
You are susceptible at the moment. You will listen to his lies

He's back and has told me I'm a bully. He says he can't stand me or anything about me and called me a miserable bitch. Wow

The gloves are off and the mask has slipped. Well, it's better than pretending.

Oh well, time for him to go then.

This is classic abusive behavoir. Get out now

Be careful, once you cut off his supply, hes likely to get nasty. Tread carefully. But yes, he needs to go so you have some money left for yourself

Pack his bag, tell him he is a slimy bastard and you will be taking him to court to get the money he took off you. Next week talk to a solicitor/Cab to see how you can get the money back or google it

Do you have any of the inheritance left? If so, pay half your bills with your salary and the other half with the inheritance.

'He says he can't stand me or anything about me ...'

Except your money, it would seem ... He should go.

Glad you’ve confronted this OP. What’s your next move?

Wow op, he’s really showing his true colours. He sounds awful. Hope you have somewhere safe to go if he turns nasty.

He’s throwing his toys out the pram because you have sussed him out.

I hope you have some money left to pay rent etc..