To think I might be being used?

[smithy1991]

Ready for a telling off here to be honest. I think I've been really stupid.

Been with OH for 3 years, had a good relationship, we have lived together for the last 18 months and paid everything 50:50.

The last 9 months or so have been quite rocky.

Both of us not as happy as we had been. I'd noticed a massive drop in his efforts and interest. He never wants to spend time with me, completely lost interest in sex (he's even told me he just doesn't have the urge anymore - before he was very active). So obviously I've been questioning things, been very upset and felt unwanted, so I've spoke to him and he always says I'm being paranoid and that he definitely wants to be with me etc. But nothing changes. We sit separately in the house, no time together, no interest in my life whatsoever. But he doesn't leave.

I'm only now just realising, he knows that a few months ago I was left some money by a family member, since then. He quit his job (was out of work for a while but back working now) and since then hasn't paid a penny towards the house or anything else. He has pretty much rinsed all of the money I got left whilst I haven't touched it for myself because I was hoping to keep it for a house deposit or something useful. Every day he tells me he needs some money for something, and I know I should have been saying no but he gets so moody with me when I say no and says I'm being spiteful and cruel and he's going to pay me back. Well it's been 3 months now and I haven't received a penny from him for the money he owes me, nor anything towards the house.

It's dawning on me, he doesn't love me anymore, and he's staying because why the hell not! I make his life a million times easier and he is just happily rinsing through my money.

FWIW, he's my partner and I'd always help him out, but I think now it's clear he's taking me for a ride.

I know I've been extremely naive and stupid, but every time I've asked him about his feelings or said I am going to leave because I feel so unhappy, he's so good at convincing me everything is ok and to stay, until I stay and then we're back to normal.

So what do you think, am I being used or am I just being a little bit paranoid? Thank you in advance - sorry if I sound pathetic just getting quite desperate now.

Why isn't he paying towards the house now he's working? Whose name is it in? Rented or owned?

You have enough support here to show you it’s him that needs to leave.

Do not listen to him, you are not in the wrong. Men like him are so good at twisting everything and making it feel like they are the victim. Don’t let him bully you op. You are the one that has been paying the rent and bills, so he should leave. Sorry you’re going through this.

He is just projecting his emotions and what he is doing to you..He is the bully.

It's not your fault, you trusted someone and acted once you started to have doubts.

Does he do drugs or gamble?

If he begins to apologise and tries to 'get round you' - play clever - get him to 'prove' he cares for you by giving you back what you've paid out 'as only then can you both start again'. As soon as you get the cash safely stashed, leave him as fast as you can.

If he sticks with his repugnant comments to you - get him out or leave, depending who is named on the lease.

Just to clarify I only suggested that you should hand in your notice on the lease because from the sounds of it you can't afford to pay rent alone. So to avoid losing more of the money you inherited, I would move out asap. But you should definitely stay in the flat until you find a new place- if anyone needs to leave during this period it should be him. Hope you're ok OP and he's not being too aggressive about this?

Yes it's time to get shot of him. Don't listen to any of his pathetic excuses anymore, just get rid of him NOW so that you can start afresh and rebuild your savings for something useful...like you said a house deposit!

Stand firm. If he loved you he wouldn't be saying such things about you. DO NOT let him make you feel guilty or like the bad guy in all this - he is in the wrong and he's trying to manipulate you.

Be strong. You can do this!

You are in trouble of getting a sexually aquired debt. Ask him to pay you what he owes then leave

What reason does he give for it being your fault?

I'm not in the uk but is it possible to go to small claims court if you have evidence of the money?
I honestly would leave if he wouldn't, leave him paying everything himself. Don't tell him you're going, hire a van while he's at work and take your stuff and everything of value.

In Australia if you're not married and one person leaves, you'd have to have receipts for items to prove they're yours if you wanted to call the police if your partner took them. I'm not kidding that I would clear the house of anything he couldn't prove was his. Fridge, washing machine, I'd take it.

Are you still in your tenancy contract?

My DH of nearly 30 years has just denied he didn't buy a tin of Cider for £1.89 the other day. I found the empty can in his jacket pocket. He goes for keep fit walks at least three times a day.

His excuses 'It wasn't cider', 'I don't know what it was,' 'I didn't do it.'
I just stopped talking to him.

He's not paid a penny in rent or expenses for 10 years. Yes he was ill but he's better now.

He's got my bank card because shopping and walks is his only hobby.

When I ask him for my card back or change from cash he is cagey or defensive or denies as in above.

We have nothing.

Don't let this be you in 25 years from now.

Can you just give notice on your tenancy OP? The easiest way to get rid of him is probably to move somewhere else.

On top of everything else it sounds like he’s gaslighting you OP.

What a twat.

tarabumdeay
That is so sad.
What will you Do?

He is taking the piss. Who is on the tenancy? Does he have access to your money? If so, move it immediately before he does!!!!

Put on paper asking him for the money he owes you including rent, bills, everything.

Error to let him back in. but he has proved how much it's over.

@tararabumdeay

Cancel your card and let your bank know that you'll collect the new card from the branch. They do allow this for people who have accommodation issues etc.

trarabumdeay

That's horrible for you. I agree about cancelling the card and getting a new one for yourself. Perhaps get a separate one for your husband that has a limit of £50, and top it up only when absolutely necessary.

Then wait to be told you're controlling

What a nasty abusive piece if shit op. Is his name on the lease?

Whose name is the rent tenancy agreement in?

Is he not paying for the rent/bills/food?
Where was he living before you moved in together?

Have you got a friend/parent/sibling who could come and practically help eject this nasty piece of work?

Is the tenancy in both names?

Any update OP?