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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I might be being used?

129 replies

smithy1991 · 05/01/2019 11:00

Ready for a telling off here to be honest. I think I've been really stupid.

Been with OH for 3 years, had a good relationship, we have lived together for the last 18 months and paid everything 50:50.

The last 9 months or so have been quite rocky.

Both of us not as happy as we had been. I'd noticed a massive drop in his efforts and interest. He never wants to spend time with me, completely lost interest in sex (he's even told me he just doesn't have the urge anymore - before he was very active). So obviously I've been questioning things, been very upset and felt unwanted, so I've spoke to him and he always says I'm being paranoid and that he definitely wants to be with me etc. But nothing changes. We sit separately in the house, no time together, no interest in my life whatsoever. But he doesn't leave.

I'm only now just realising, he knows that a few months ago I was left some money by a family member, since then. He quit his job (was out of work for a while but back working now) and since then hasn't paid a penny towards the house or anything else. He has pretty much rinsed all of the money I got left whilst I haven't touched it for myself because I was hoping to keep it for a house deposit or something useful. Every day he tells me he needs some money for something, and I know I should have been saying no but he gets so moody with me when I say no and says I'm being spiteful and cruel and he's going to pay me back. Well it's been 3 months now and I haven't received a penny from him for the money he owes me, nor anything towards the house.

It's dawning on me, he doesn't love me anymore, and he's staying because why the hell not! I make his life a million times easier and he is just happily rinsing through my money.

FWIW, he's my partner and I'd always help him out, but I think now it's clear he's taking me for a ride.

I know I've been extremely naive and stupid, but every time I've asked him about his feelings or said I am going to leave because I feel so unhappy, he's so good at convincing me everything is ok and to stay, until I stay and then we're back to normal.

So what do you think, am I being used or am I just being a little bit paranoid? Thank you in advance - sorry if I sound pathetic just getting quite desperate now.

OP posts:
autumngazer · 05/01/2019 11:53

It sounds like things weren't great before you received the inheritance. He had already 'mentally' checked out of the relationship. He knows this but probably can't be arsed to move out, or afford to since he quit his job. What normal person does that?! Just assumes you'll fund his life. I'd find that a massive turn off anyway.

If you're renting then I'd move out. Get yourself a nice little flat and cut him right off. He sounds like a right loser. You sound a million times to good for him.

Juells · 05/01/2019 11:55

If he's gone from being sexually active to no interest in sex I'm afraid I'd suspect he was still having an active sex life, just not with you :( Not trying to be nasty, but that's been the experience of several of my friends - asking him if he needs to see a doctor, trying to work on his lack of interest, being understanding, reassuring him that you still love him blah blah blah, all the time he was involved with someone else.

If he's been out of work, he's had ample opportunity to carry on an affair while you're at work.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/01/2019 11:57

Sounds like my relationship. Except I was/am married to the lazy fuckwit! Get out now!

Frouby · 05/01/2019 11:57

What has he spent the money on? If it's sellable stuff tell him to sell it and give you the money back pronto.

Also walk away before he costs you anymore. Friend been in a similar situation. Shes 30k in debt now and it took 2 years for her to see what he was doing. She was bloody stupid, dont be the same.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/01/2019 11:58

PS when he went off sex with me, it turned out it was because he was having sex with someone else....

MrsCBY · 05/01/2019 11:58

Sorry to hear this smithy. The last thing you need is a telling off.

It’s gutting, but the positive is that you’ve seen his true colours before you got any further involved (marriage/DC). You could have ended up being much more deeply tied to him and a life of emotional/financial abuse.

Get out now. And be nice to yourself.

PolkaDoting · 05/01/2019 11:59

He would be a cocklodger, except your not getting any cock.

I would write off what you’ve lent him and get rid. He sounds like poison.

IdaDown · 05/01/2019 11:59

How long on your tenancy?
Can you speak to the LL/agent about renegotiating the lease with just you as named tenant?

If not, ride out the rent, bills etc... don’t give him a penny. No washing, cooking etc...

Let this be the most expensive lesson you learn re boundaries.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/01/2019 12:04

Sorry OP, he does indeed sound like a user of epic proportions. I echo what PP has said about trying to recoup as much money as you can from him. Tell him whatever he'll believe but get that money - and make your plans to leave him. What a twat he is.

So sorry. Thanks

notapizzaeater · 05/01/2019 12:04

You need to get out whilst you've some left otherwise he will burn through it all.

Juells · 05/01/2019 12:06

PolkaDoting
He would be a cocklodger, except your not getting any cock.

^^ best post in the thread. Sorry for laughing when I know the situation is so stressful for the OP.

JollyAndBright · 05/01/2019 12:06

I would tell him I am happy to financially support him until he gets another job as long as he signs an agreement to pay back all the money I’d lent him,
I’d work out exactly how much it all was, round it up to the nearest £1k and ask him to sign an agreement that he will pay it back by the end of the year.
I’d tell him that each month we can review the agreement if he hasn’t yet found a job to increase the amount if I’m still suporting him.

I would then go on eBay and buy a load of fake designer handbags and expensive looking jewellery and tell him I splurged most of the money on ‘investments’ that I could enjoy.

I would hide the inheritance in a new secret savings account.

I would then tell him that now I can’t afford to support him anymore and I need him to start paying back the money he owes.
When he refuses I would kick him out and take him to court when the agreement elapses.

Storybarn · 05/01/2019 12:09

First thing to do is lock the remaining money into a long term 6 months deposit account or premium bonds in your name.
Then stop paying for the boyfriend and get rid of the leach.

Consolidateyourloins · 05/01/2019 12:10

Whose name is the flat in? Can you ask him toave? Or is it better for you to move out?

Any chance of getting any money back from him? Any valuables you can take to compensate for some of the loss?

trojanpony · 05/01/2019 12:16

Another one who thinks he is using you - Sorry Flowers

Use the remaining cash to rent your own place and move on and be happy Smile

jessstan2 · 05/01/2019 12:17

I've learned a new expression - rinsing through money. Never heard it before.

Well it certainly looks that way. You're bonkers giving him so much money. Don't give him another penny and try and extract some back.

You'd be no worse off living on your own, you might find you like it too so suggest he goes elsewhere.

Confusedbeetle · 05/01/2019 12:22

Tart by protecting what money you have, get your name off anything it shouldn't be on, Get him to start paying. As soon as you are financially tidied up leave him. If your house is rented in joint tenancy you need to see if you can get your name off it or you will be liable if he doesn't pay the rent

Baconmaket · 05/01/2019 12:24

Get him out today. Don't throw good time and money after bad.

eddielizzard · 05/01/2019 12:24

He certainly is taking advantage isn't he? I'd stop giving him money pronto.

DistanceCall · 05/01/2019 12:25

User. Get rid.

To be honest, I don't think you'll recover your money, if there was nothing put down in writing. Take it as an expensive lesson, and never again.

Cranky17 · 05/01/2019 12:26

You poor thing he’s a nasty bastard.
You need to get rid of him as quick as possible. Hopefully the tenancy is in your name but if not you need to make it unbearable for him to stay
Today ask him to leave, tell him you know what’s he’s up to..stop giving him any money for bits and bobs, don’t buy any food, any toiletries, hide the toilet rolls, fingers crossed he will go and you can wait the contract out without him.

LannieDuck · 05/01/2019 12:30

I would just ask him straight out - "I've realised you haven't paid anything on the rent in x months, even after you got your new job. Why are you expecting me to pay for you?"

I'm sure he'll mention your inheritance. You'll explain it's set aside for a house deposit, and that you've been covering his rent from your monthly pay. Does he think that's fair?

...And obviously paying for anything for him stops now. If you still want to be in a relationship with him?

jay55 · 05/01/2019 12:30

Can you tell him he needs to start paying you back? His reaction will confirm everything.

TatianaLarina · 05/01/2019 12:31

Only you can take responsibility for allowing him to talk you round when you say you want to end it. You have to find your backbone. You’re allowing another person to control you and stop you from doing your will.

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2019 12:35

Yes, sorry, op, he's not even pretending to be in love with you or pretending he wants to be with you, he's just using your money and having some place to live. When it's gone and you're no longer paying for the privalege of having him there he will go.

Time to kick him out.

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