DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

Sorry, but I would not be buying a property with a man who allowed his mother to treat him (and me) like this.

This situation sounds like a blessing in disguise. You pull out of the purchase and 'lose' the flat you were going to buy, but you get to find out just where you stand and whether or not it's worth continuing in this relationship.

I'd offer to take out life insurance so that she gets her money back if he dies. If she won't accept that, then its not about protecting her loan, its about her status and control. So I'd walk away, you'll lose a bit in fees but nothing compared to what it will cost you to appease her in the long term
I wouldn't accept my partner putting his mother first like this either.

Bevelino - the op said the loan is equivalent to 2.5% of the value. So unlikely she has lent them £100,000 unless their first house is worth £4 million.

I mean I know London prices are bad but...

Completely agree with mamalovesmango. She wants to protect her money. Fine, the will can reflect if your dp dies, she gets her money back, with interest.

However it's laughable to suggest that she should have any input as to whether you are JT or TIC. I honestly think she's doing that to undermine you and I would seriously judge dp if he goes along with it.

And no, hell would be freezing over before I agreed to her being allowed 50% if he died. As a pp pointed out, if you die he gets everything and if he dies you are left in a very difficult position. That is completely unfair.

I would keep it as joint tenants, and show her a will which will give her the money back if dp dies but not 50%. It's polite, it protects her but shows you will not be walked over or set a precedent.

Does she want DP’s half of the flat left to her in order to ensure that she gets her investment back? (and once she’s paid back she’ll be happy for you to inherit) Or does she think that because you’re not married you shouldn’t inherit from your DP at all and it should go to her?

If it’s the latter she won’t be happy with any agreement ensuring that she gets 2.5% back. She wants 50% because she’s DP’s next of kin. Have you considered that in the event of an accident she would be the one who has the power to approve treatment or pull the plug etc? This is exactly why I married my DP, because his mother was controlling and I wanted to be in control if anything happened to him.

A friend of mine bought a house with her DP despite everyone telling her not to due to his controlling and interfering parents whom he was unable to stand up to. Fast forward a couple of years and they've split up, XDP is being an arse about money and it's a complete mess.

Complicated arrangements with controlling parents never end well.

Plus making numerous wills and changing land registry documents will cost you money you could have used to pay her back.

I don't think this is about the money - this is about control

Exactly. Do not give in to this emotional blackmail. Give her the money back. There will be other houses. Save some more.
If he cannot stand up to his mother now it does not bode well for the future. Why should she think a loan for small % entitles her to half the bloody property?

If he dies she will be entitled to half your home. You will need to either buy her shareat the current market value or sell it and split the money.
Fuck that.

It would also fuck over any children you might have.

She wants 50% of the value of the flat upon his unexpected death when she's only loaning a tiny percentage of the flat's value? Very, very unreasonable.

I would find another way to source the money or not buy the flat together.

Is there some reason you're buying a flat together now when you're not married? Perhaps it would be sensible to wait... could that be her real concern? That you're solid enough to buy property together but not actually marry?

Regardless, I wouldn't involve her any more. If she's this unreasonable now, from halfway around the world, it isn't likely to get better.

@Seeingadistance I definitely agree. The legal agreement you're making with your mortgage provider via your solicitor is more important / pivotal /long lasting, than with the mother. You can't lie. It will come back to bite you on the arse, in spectacular style, if DP did die. Or even when making any financial changes eg re-mortgaging etc over the next 25 years.

I'd be keen to know how DP knows he won't die. Sounds awesome ;-)

If this wasn't about control it would be fine. You'd purchase as joint tenants and your DP's will would leave the first £x of his estate to his mum, with no explanation of why needed.

That's the simple answer to protecting her money. I think he should just email her and say that is what will happen, it is the only option, and if she is going to stick with her position she needs to let you know by the end of the weekend so that you can pull out of the sale first thing Monday.
Just don't over-complicate this. You're buying together, legally you should be joint tenants. Any arrangement he's made to fund his part of the deal is his issue, it shouldn't impact on the purchase. You paid your share.

If her son dies, why should you get to keep her money If you don’t like the terms of her agreement, don’t take her money. But bare in mind a will can be contested or accepted from the most ridiculous of things nowadays, I’d steer clear if lieing to her.

@Justabetterplayer she wants 50% of the property if son does, not 2.5% loan repaid.

I’d go ahead and pay back very very fast.
She has gone back on a gentleman’s agreement.

I would give back the money. There is no way I would do the will or change the deeds, that all costs money to redo at a later date. Nobody knows when they are going to die, and if children came into the equation, this could all blow up in your face.
I think, if you go through with the purchase, get married ASAP, you will legally be each others next of kin and all wills will be voided after marriage.

I don't understand why on earth she's demanding half of the flat when her contribution has been just 2.5% of the price.

Surely a will stipulating return any of the money that hasn't already been repaid, would be enough? I don't see how she can imagine she's entitled to more. In which case you'd need to keep careful records of what she's had.

She sounds like a particularly nasty vulture, of the type that often shows up after someone has actually died.

Please do not do any of this complicated secret will stuff you’re thinking of. This problem has a very simple solution: your DP just needs to grow a spine and say to her “I’m very grateful for the money you’ve given me but I wouldn’t have accepted it if you had told me upfront it had these conditions attached. Wanting 50% of the house for 2.5% input does not make sense. I’m happy to ensure you get your investment back in the event I die or sell the house, but that’s it.”

Then just put a second charge on it and let her rage. She’ll get over it eventually. But she is being unreasonable and it does not make sense to bow to unreasonable people.

This thing has only become a massive complicated problem because your DP is spineless. It’s actually very straightforward.

She gifted the money, only later did she come up with the conditions... They would not have gone ahead with the purchase, & fees involved if she has stipulated the ridiculous 50% at the outset

She's trying to bully you. Your DP is allowing her to do it.
If you agree to this, she will continue to bully. She will be forever finding ways to do it. And your DP won't want to upset her. She will demand early repayment if you fall out. She will hold it over you forever (long after the loan has been repaid)
If the worst happened, she'd contest the will.
Your DP needs to safeguard your investment, and prove to you that he values your relationship too much to give into his mothers unreasonable demands which could jeopardise your future.
And he needs to prove that he won't allow her to bully or control you.
Don't trick her. You'll regret it in the long run. Stand up to her or pull out.

Absolutely get a small life policy on his life with her as beneficiary. She gets her "security" and can't argue with that. End of. Do that and don't give the issue any more headspace.

If your DP doesn't agree to shutting down his mother in this way, then that's something you need to address separately.

OP, if your partner won't dupe/upset/confront his mum now, how do you know he will change the will/tenants in common status after the loan is repaid? That will still upset mother as she is being unreasonable now, She will still be unreasonable after loan repaid.

Either make sure your share goes to your parents in event of death, or tell MIL no. Or cancel purchase.

You are in love, first concern should be protecting each other from homelessness if one of you dies, not appeasing mother.

TBH I would have trouble forgiving my partner if he let the sale of a house we were set on fall through at this stage just because he can’t stand up to his mad mother on a very simple matter. I’d personally be so resentful I’m not sure there would be any coming back from it. But perhaps you don’t bear a grudge the way I do.

Why should she think a loan for small % entitles her to half the bloody property?

Because she’s legally his next of kin.

I agree with PPs. The way your DP deals with this is going to set the tone for the rest of your relationship. If he's not prepared to stand up to his mother and protect his relationship, you should seriously reconsider buying a house with him, which is a big commitment.

At the very least, if you do buy the house as tenants in common and he makes a will leaving his half to his mother, you should make a will leaving your share to your parents, or whoever you choose - but not him.

Do you want to live like that, though? Do you want to be with someone who chooses to appease his unreasonable mother at the expense of his relationship with you?

I strongly recommend that you read "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward and he reads "Toxic Parents" by the same author. Ideally ASAP so you can both benefit from the insights in the book before making any big decisions about the house purchase and wills.

Please don't go ahead, she will use her non-gift at every opportunity to abuse and bully your DP.
Speak to the chain see if they can absorb the 2.5% you need or walk away, London house prices are currently stable.

I’d go along with what she says and stall her to the point of purchase make her think you have decided to go along with it , complete sale then let her know that you have drawn up contracts stating she gets her money back in that position she can’t really do much about it , she gets her money back and you don’t need to give half your house away . If she causes a problem she will look like a calculating greedy bastard . Why on earth would she expect to get half of your house .