DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

Yes, you need to be very careful that you are not making a fraudulent mortgage application and possibly even breaking the law.

It’s one of those pivotal moments in a relationship where there’s a control battle which you have to win over his Mother to set th3 time for rest of relationship and your DP’s response on this will be the key thing.

Life insurance with as her as beneficiary will be a simple way forward. It would be interesting to see her response to this. It should be simply that’s fine but suspect it won’t be. If she’s overseas as someone previously said she probably sees your flat as your London base. It’s all a potential can of worms and might well be sensible to walk away from purchase now and start again in a way where you don’t need her money. Brexit may well be your friend in this.

Pull out to be blunt reconsider your relationship with your dp if he is not willing to say to his mom no you lent me 2.5 it's not an investment

To echo many of the PPs, I really wouldn't go through with it if his mother would potentially be a 50% owner with you. No-one expects to die young but sadly each day, people do so you have to plan hoping for the best but thinking about possible worst-case outcomes. You'd then have to buy out your MIL but for more than the value of her share.

It gets really complicated down the line if house values have risen - does MIL then get the uplift as well as repayment of her loan? What if they drop and there's no equity in the house but your MIL still owns 50%? What if you improve the house before the loan is repaid - does MIL get the uplift too even if she didn't "pay" for it. Trying to document these sort of things gets horribly complicated. It's bad enough trying to write a document for inequal shares in a house if it's between the two owners but much worse if you're trying to document what's fair to you, your OH and also his mother.

What about the costs of buying? Who is paying for these ie is that you or is your DP paying his share out of the loaned money?

Don't set up something which relies on your OH getting round to re-writing a will.

It's not necessarily unreasonable in itself that your MIL asked but it is unreasonable that she's let you get this far down the line before saying all of this.

Is she adamant she needs a share in the property?
Why don't you take a life insurance on him and name her as a beneficiary?

So we know as @exexpat says he can easily change it will/tenancy afterwards but you say he doesn't want to damage his relationship with her by doing this. IMO this makes him the one at fault, he's copping out, possibly even telling her one thing and you another. The power is essentially in his hands not hers, I'd tell him to grow a pair or just accept he is happy to have this arrangement in which case you change yours so he doesn't get all your share if you die.

To be honest I’d blackmail her 😂
Tell her he has the money now and will use it as intended and that you will put some clause in place to say she’ll get her loan back in the event of his death but if she doesn’t keep her sticky beak out of your life, she’ll get nothing.

Sod her! No way would she get half of my property!

Do you have life insurance OP? Surely you have to don't you when getting a mortgage.

But that doesn't solve the problem of MIL wanting 50% I guess. What a mess. Have you seen a solicitor?

As said above, this will set the tone for the rest of your relationship. I'd give your partner sensible alternatives that have been mentioned above. I like the life insurance policy to the value of her gift with her as the sole beneficiary. She's guaranteed to get her money in that case, so that should be the end of it. No will, no change to ownership of property, just a policy all for her. Done and dusted!

Any demands on top of that from her are unreasonable and as others have noted, are her trying to control you and your partner. That's unacceptable and he either puts your relationship first and you purchase the way you planned to purchase or you pull out of the purchase and re-evaluate whether you want to be in the relationship at all. MIL will only get worse if she is successful in her current demands.

Despite losing money I would pull out of the sale. I had a similar conversation with my now DH at the beginning about tenants in common or joint tenancy. I did not want to work hard and put money into my home for one of us to die and effectively their beneficiary could start legal proceeding and I would lose my home and potentially have to start again with 'half the money'.

Once we both sat down and thought about the implications for both of us we did joint tenancy because otherwise why bother purchasing together one of the biggest things you will own in your life but if you unfortunately die ripping it out from underneath your loved one whilst they are grieving.

What I would do is pick someone your DP doesn't like or a charity and say if his mother is left his half you will explicitly leave your half to them in a will. Ask him how comfortable he now feels if you were to die and someone else owns half his home and wants to sell it. If that doesn't change his mind to stand up to his DM then I would refuse to buy with him until he is financially independent.

Put a second charge in it for the exact amount (not a percentage as house prices go up). We did this.
Or a life insurance policy. Probably the easiest and simplest to do.

And when he talks to her, take the tact of acknowledging her concern over getting her money back and that it is a valid concern.

The way to win when you know the answer is going to be no (learned this in a course on business writing) is to set out logical yes arguments. For example:

• she is concerned about getting her money back
• she is concerned that if her son dies, you may not repay her
• she wants certainty that she will be repaid
• she wants a legally binding document
• here Mum, this is a life insurance policy for $x with you as the sole beneficiary

I used the approach for a proposal that was stalled for 6 months (boss kept saying no) and it worked like a charm.

I think you need to see them both for what they are op.
She is controlling of her son and he dances to his mummy's tune!

This will only get worse & It's utterly ridiculous!

I could not be with a man who didn't put me first and your partner is not putting you first! To leave you in such a vulnerable position is disgusting and he's putting her feelings above yours.

I would tell him you are calling the estate agents to pull out of the flat sale. Give him a chance to stand up to her for once and if he didn't then I would walk away from him too. If he did then I would give the money back to his mother and start saving for his half of the deposit. I could not use the money from such a nasty piece of work.

I don't know how you could even still consider buying with this man tbh after all this.

Firstly what she is asking is fraudulent. She said it was a gift. She signed it as a gift to mortgage company. Her son intends to pay her back as gentleman's agreement. Any more official than that and you have made a fraudulent mortgage application & can be legally pursued/lose your mortgage and future ones.

Secondly, go ahead with joint tenants as you planned. Do not add a second charge against property (see above, you will get caught! )

Ignore all those saying "Do as as she asks now, and change Wills /flat ownership arrangements later". You will likely lose most of what you gained from her loan, in solicitor fees to make all these last minute changes now and to rectify later on. It'll cost thousands.

AND it sends the wrong message to MIL, or anyone else in the family, who wants to undermine your relationship. You're either a partnership or not.

Just say No. She is being grabby controlling and abusive. You will be put at a disadvantage and she is asking for a massive financial gain from this tiny amount which is not a proportionate protection of her "loan/gift". You're putting in more money and it is half your money paying the mortgage off, that she'll gain from, unless you expect him to die pretty quickly!

Who would want to live with that uncertainty thatshould something tragic happen to either of you or your DP, you become homeless? I couldn't live like that and why should you, his partner?

There is no reasonable choice but for your DP to stand up and say No to her now and that you are doing what you originally planned and agreed. Because she wants control of her DS instead of supporting his choices. And she will get emotional in each future unreasonable demand.

Will she want half your baby next? Or a say over what you name them? Will she demand you give up your bed for her when she decides to stay visit with you for a month? Say No early on to unreasonable interference, your DP is a grown adult. It's definitely a deal breaker.

Totally agree with k1233 using a life insurance policy to pay her loan back NOT a share of the flat.

Do not let her dictate the tenants in common/joint tenants situation, that is down to you two, the two adults buying the flat under the guidance of your solicitor.

Sorry, I put paragraphs in when I typed my comment, but the app changed it.

OP, you say the money given to your DP by his mother has been legally declared a gift. Are you sure as in the UK, gifts are usually given with no strings attached? It is not possible to give you accurate advice without the full facts as different rules regarding the treatment of gifts/loans can apply depending on which country you are in.

If the money is a loan (rather than a gift), it might be that your DP’s mother has lent him a substantial sum and therefore she is entitled to protect her position. The mother knows that Wills can be changed and that is not a solution here.

As you know, if the property is purchased (UK) as joint tenants you would automatically get your dp’s share of the property and she would have to completely trust you to pay her back. The poor relationship between you both may seem to her, that is unlikely.

Lots of parents loan their dc’s money to buy property and will usually put in place a formal repayment plan or have a beneficial interest in the property. No sensible person would agree to a contract which simply says “I will pay you back”.

I am too horrified to RTFT but really OP, this would be enough for me to pull out of the house sale and maybe even a future with your DP.

If this is a pattern of how things are going to be in your future relationship, marriage, children, house purchases then you are going to be in for a terrible time.

The best thing you can do is to save up so you don’t need to borrow the money and do this, and every future purchase, on your own. How can her paying towards a deposit mean she is entitled to half the property? That’s ridiculous. Getting her loan back, yes, the property no.

Seriously OP, think carefully about this. If your DP won’t stand up to her now you are going to be in for a lifetime of her attempting to control things. Nightmare.

Is she so batshit that she wants to remove any possibility of you doing him in for his half of the house?

DH and I were tenants in common, with mirror wills that said our halves went to our son if we died. It has been an absolute bugger to sort out now he's dead and took a whole year to get the land registry updated. I wish we'd just been joint tenants

Couldn’t your DP takeout life insurance for an amount MIL is happy with? That way, when suggested to MIL, you would know for sure if it is all about her having some control or not.

PIL gifted my DH ( and BIL) a large amount of money when we were younger which we used as the deposit to our house. Their concern was if anything happened to DH early in our relationship I would benefit more from the gift than their family. We agreed to an additional life ins policy for the amount to benefit BIL. It gave them piece of mind in case the worse happened and I had security that I wouldn’t lose the house on top of DH. It didn’t cost that much each month. DH and I had only been together 2 years then though and I could see their point that if anything happened to DH in the next few I would have benefited from his early inheritance rather than their family.

Couldn’t your DP takeout life insurance for an amount MIL is happy with? That way, when suggested to MIL, you would know for sure if it is all about her having some control or not.

^^ This.

If she won't accept this then I would definitely pull out in your shoes.

Also agree with other poster who suggested that if you can't find 2.5% (£10-15k?) is it possible you're over stretching yourselves?

Not RTFT but some very good suggestions on how to keep her happy but protect yourself. Your best option is to make the will, then change it. I think is free wills week in March so great timing for you.

DH and I did exactly the same set up as you propose when we bought our first property together, and we're not married. Tenants in common and mirror wills.

To be fair to the OP's DP I doubt he gets the full implications of what his mother is suggesting and is thinking that he won't die before her and it'll be fine and that's not necessarily because he's a mummy's boy or doesn't care about the OP but because it's incredibly common for people to not really 'get' this and get into a real pickle when the shit actually does end up hitting the fan.

Now people have highlighted the very serious implications for the OP should the worse happen, and have offered a variety of solutions that will flush out the real intentions of this woman should she reject them all, it should become clear to the OP and her DP what it is he needs to do.

OP - loss of fees will sting for sure if the vendors would not accept a lower offer (and I hate the idea of pulling out on vendors so late or 'gazundering' them but that is the reality of the market at the moment) but pulling out and waiting until you can afford somewhere without any involvement from this woman whatsoever really would be the best idea all round.

No matter how much you love and trust your DP your priority needs to be protecting yourself and your future.
We see too many posts on Mumsnet where relationships go wrong or the unexpected happens.
Do not agree to this he's going to have to say no to her.