DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

Just tell her whatever she wants to hear and do what you want.

She’s bonkers and clearly can’t stand that her son has a partner. It’s bizarre to be thinking about what would happen in the even of her son’s death. He is his own person and decides of his own volition what happens to his money.

You have done the right thing by pulling out OP. Don’t doubt that for a second.

Don’t tell him about the thread. He will defend his mother and be upset with you for gaining support. It will cause an argument as all of this simply disagrees with his perspective and no-one likes to be ‘wrong’.

In months / years to come you will look back on this and be very, very relieved you did not purchase a flat on these terms.

I wonder if the reason your DP's sister and her husband sold up and went back to renting was so they could repay the "gift" and not have it hanging over their heads any longer?

You’ve done the right thing to put your foot down

Just write into the will that she gets 2.5% then change will once it's paid off

When you go to make your Wills and go through all of this with the solicitor, the notes of the meeting will be dictated and typed up to go on your file, a copy of which should be sent to you. This will also ensure that details are recorded should anyone -MIL- want to despite the Will, it’s all recorded. The wording of the Will will also probably include that the 5% to DP’s mum is only gifted should the loan be outstanding at the date of death.

It’ll also be worth considering whether to have the legacy to his mum as 5% or the actual amount that was loaned.

It’ll be interesting to see what DP’s relationship with his mother will be like once the money is repaid.

Buying a property is stressful enough as it is without all of this bollocks xx

OP something fairly similar happened to us. Mil gave us a gift of inheritance early so that we could buy our current house without selling our old one first. Reasoning was that she wanted to move into our original house, it is near our new one And she wanted to be close to gc, wanted to rent it off us for life (much reduced rent). We paid lots of money to do it up how she wanted it, signed a v long tied in mortgage deal (“I want this to be my last home” ) .
We moved into our new home and 2 weeks later she’s told us she’d changed her mind. Didn’t want to rent it after all. We ‘lost’ all the money we’d spent doing doing the things shed asked for and became landlords for next 5 years as would cost us £15k in mortgage penalties if we sold. We had two mortgages, two council taxes etc to pay while we tried to rent it out to strangers. Haven’t spoken to her for 4 years now.

DP's mother called again this morning saying she's very uncomfortable with the suggestion of her getting only back what she has loaned him and that as only his girlfriend I should not receive half the property in the event of his death.

WTAF!

She doesn't think you should get half the property if he dies, despite putting up the greater share of the deposit, but thinks she should get more than the repayment of the money "gifted"? She must have invented CF-ery, she's such a master of the art.

I hope you told her to get to the far side of fuck, etc. Someone needs to, and I rather think your DP will never do it.

I know we’ve moved on a bit but I’m wondering what did your DP’s mother suggest in the event that you died? Would your DP inherit or your parents??

I’m delighted you pulled out of this OP.
And my very wise mother always says ‘you don’t marry the man, you marry the family’.

Be careful OP.

Theres another way dont tell the witch though. You can make what ever arrangements with her but take out life insurance in joint names that way if he dies you get the full value of the flat direct to you regardless of the will as its in joint names it insurance money comes to you directly. No need to tell the witch this way you benefit of 50% flat and 100% full value of the flat total 150% markup. Like i tsaid keep it quiet. Also once you changed the will and shown her the change of will make another one with a different solicitor after a month without her knowing making the alteration of you as the full beneficiary. As far as i know the cost of will costs 100 quid and another 50 quid to amend. good luck I hate those types of ppl too you need to play their game against them. lol

she was absolutely furious, called me all kinds of things and berated him for not seeing what type of horrible, selfish, money-grabbing person I am.

Talk about projection - the only person in this scenario that those adjectives apply to is her!

OP, you’ve dodged a bullet here, I think.

It is a shame to have to say goodbye to your plans for this particular property but I think that your relationship needs some attention before you buy property together.

Buying a property, especially with a partner, is a big commitment to both the bank and to your partner. I think you need to look at this very carefully and make sure he is the right partner for you. He might be absolutely wonderful but everyone comes with ties and in case that means ties to his mother. She obviously can’t stand you. Her behaviour is, at best, unreasonable and, at worst, insane. Do you really want to deal with that for the rest of your life? Even if she were to be hit by a bus tomorrow, she will still cast a shadow over your relationship.

What would your DP have to bring to the table to make that bearable for you? My answer would be unconditional and unwavering 100% support. He hasn’t done that in the past (riding in separate cars etc) so will that get better or worse in the future? Is he still worth the effort?

If you do see a future with him (and keep in mind that there is no reason to make an immediate decision, as tempting as that might be) make sure that you are both painfully (I use that word for a reason) crystal clear on your expectations of one another with regard to his mother. And if you go ahead and buy a place on your own and live with DP, make absolutely certain that you consult a lawyer and draw up a document that makes it clear that his contributions to rent/bills/mortgage/living costs/whatever do not give him a claim to the property!

I am curious - I see that you and DP are different nationalities. I wonder if you are also different ethnicities as well and if that could be a reason for her appalling behaviour?

I replied earlier as was so aghast at her proposal, just got to skim through the thread - the view 100 per page is a great option lol!
Glad you pulled out. She is definitely a very manipulative person - the fact that she has now caused her son to miss the opportunity of getting on the property ladder in the UK and instead he will have to continue to ‘rent’ (albeit with yourself) instead of putting it into a property he part owned...just on the off chance he dies before her is absolutely crazy - especially as she was also trying to ensure that she makes money if he dies!

I read a great quote once...”Don’t waste another minute dealing with a toxic, negative, energy-draining person. Some people are wired for negativity. They love being argumentative, combative and abusive. Run for your life as quickly as possible.” (Les Brown)

If you stay with your DP, you need to really create a mindset that you put her into a ‘box’ in your mind that you deal with her when you are faced with her/have to, but do not take on board anything she says or dwell on what she says/question yourself. This will be hard, especially if you move there/have a family. The way she is treating you is really toxic and unhealthy, especially as it is already is making you question your own judgement, and wondering if it is you or her in the wrong...when to all outside, as you have seen, she is 100% in the wrong.

People with this type of manipulative behaviour often isolate partners/friends/victim from their close friends/family who can/would give a true perspective on the manipulator’s unreasonable behaviour - you are not doing this, but interesting that she accuses you of doing so when you are not...it shows she has an awareness of this type of action/strategy.

Even if she loves her boy so much and wants him there with her, she should not be so toxic and manipulative! Maybe she has a narcissistic personality disorder.

Also some have said your DP needs backbone, but I would also wonder whether growing up with a mother like that has meant she has so much control over him:( Maybe that is why she is so negative towards you, because for the first time he has found someone who can help him see how unreasonable her behaviour is as she for so long has controlled him and he is far enough away to get perspective. In fact she is probably trying to do what she accused you of doing and isolate him from people who can give him a true perspective!

All the best, really hope everything works out well for you both:)

Good advice:)

And also very good advice given from @return2thesceneofthecrime re getting a lawyer draw up something to say he has no claim on the property given his mother is property savvy! If you have a bad break up, or even if not, she might then want to make a claim that you co-habited and he contributed.

"I wonder if you are also different ethnicities as well and if that could be a reason for her appalling behaviour?"

What the ACTUAL FUCK?!

Ensure your DP has taken out and pays each month for life insurance covering at least the amount of his half of the flat, as long as he does this and leaves that policy to you in the same will as she is demanding to see, then in the very unlikely event of your DP passing away you would have funds to pay her off, this way you would not lose your home, however she needs to be paid off as soon as you can and then change the will And tenancy, once she has been repaid she should no longer benefit from her sons death unless he chooses to leave something to her in his will

"I wonder if you are also different ethnicities as well and if that could be a reason for her appalling behaviour?"

I think poster who said this just means that if that is the case, the mother might be racist...which is another possibility. Not implying that one ethnicity is more likely to behaviour like this than another. :)

Ohhhhhhhh

DOH

It's a bit terrifying that at the beginning of this thread the OP was second guessing herself to the extent that, quite possibly, had she NOT posted and received such excellent advice and strong confirmation that she was NBU, she may have actually been sucked into the potential nightmare before her.

ALL HAIL MUMSNET!

He's tried to say that I haven't been the most understanding towards her and that she isn't malicious, just incapable of seeing that she's being outrageous.

If he doesn’t see that she is being completely malicious to you, to the extent that she’ll use him as cannon fodder to get to you, then there’s no hope for him. Proceed very, very carefully.

@AnotherEmma - I had to re-read it myself as it could read the other way too! :)

@13thWarriorWitch - well said!

In terms of ethnicities... he is white Australian and I am mixed race but race has never been a question at all. He has told me she has never been fond of any of his previous GFs, all of whom were white I believe.

To those suggesting life insurances etc, those options have all been explored but the bottom line is, DP's mother wants to receive his half of the flat if he dies. No other solution is good enough. She describes it as 'inappropriate' that I receive more as I am not family.

What happens if you get married to your DP would this invalidate the will